1. Blog Posts: April 2017

April 11, 2017 Tuesday - The Events Surrounding Irene's Passing

She had been laying the groundwork for weeks, consciously or subconsciously, by telling everyone that she was getting tired of the fight and the suffering, and we all knew that she was fighting so hard to stay for our sake because she knew how much we all loved her and how much her passing would hurt.  Irene went into the hospital on a day when some of the kids had decided to come up and cook some burgers. I rode in to the hospital with her in the Ambulance, my heart in my throat the whole time. After a scary day in the hospital with her wearing a cpap mask to force oxygen in her, she had gotten much better and had a great time with all the family that was gathered there wearing only her normal oxygen canula.

While she was wearing the cpap and having trouble breathing, another daughter, Ivori, and her son Emanuel came to visit. Irene was in and out of consciousness at the time. Crying, Emanuel took her hand and she squeezed it, opened her eyes and as clear as day through the cpap said "I love you."  They told her they loved her too. Ivori told her she was beautiful and she laughed, looked at Ivori, then nodded and winked.

Her brother, Herbie, asked her if she wanted some steak (she couldn't eat due to a swollen esophagus) and in response she wiggled her eyebrows and laughed. Everyone in the room saw it and heard it and laughed - I can't imagine being in such a condition and still trying to lift the spirits of those around you.  What an incredibly strong, loving and giving person.

Soon after everyone left she started having serious problems breathing.  Our son Robert and I were with her, and she told us that we were the ones that were going to have to make the decisions, and Robert and I both knew what she was telling us - that it was okay with her if it was time for her to go. I don't know that either of us could have made the decision alone.  I felt kind of in shock, it all had happened so fast and she had just felt so good.  We realized she had been leading us to this point for weeks now. Robert called back the other children that had left to go home, thinking the worst was over.

Irene really hated not being able to breath and she hated the cpap device that force oxygen into her lungs. She became barely conscious and mostly incoherent, asking for pain and anxiety meds when she was, and the prognosis was that there was nothing that could be done because she was already so weakened and frail due to the many surgeries and issues caused by the cancer the past two years, so Robert and I decided she had fought and suffered enough and put her on hospice, keeping her on pain and anxiety medication because without them we felt she would be in pain and in panic due to her poor breathing and underlying pain due to cancer issues. She lost consciousness and lasted another day and a half.

Before long she entirely lost consciousness and was almost entirely unresponsive.

During that time we had all family and friends come up to the hospital and have time alone to say their goodbyes and get closure.  I don't know where the strength came from to endure that time, but I am grateful to God that I had it. It seemed more like I was playing a role in a movie.  Our close friends (that we considered relatives) brought us all into prayer and sang beautifully in that hospital room, saying that she was already free from her body and all we were waiting for was her body to shut down, telling her we were all there, we all loved her and she was free to go home.  It was very stirring and comforting.

Later, some of us went home to get a shower and some sleep - we didn't know how long this would be and we had been up and catching what rest we could in that room for 72 hours.  With Robert and our daughter Gerra in the room, the pastor came into the room and asked if it was okay for him to pray. Robert and Gerra were there and he prayed with them.  As he was praying her eyes opened a little and when the Pastor said "Amen", she took one last breath and passed.

Some time before, Irene had told our son Mike that it didn't matter to her if everyone was there when she passed, that it was okay and told him not to feel bad if he wasn't there.  Mike walked into the room 2 minutes after she had passed.

About a week before, Irene sewed a button that had come off of my grey vest, which she handed to me when done and I hung up in my closet.  On April 11 after about 3 days of very little sleep, I had come home to shower and try to catch some sleep.  I showered but I couldn't sleep, so I decided to do some work to see if I could unwind some and then sleep. In my mind, Irene and I had said everything that needed to be said for years; we were entirely in love with no regrets or unspoken feelings.  I felt she was already out of her body and I was already talking to her on the way home and while I was at home.  Robert called about 30 minutes later and told me that Irene had passed.  I put on some clothes and picked the grey vest, and when I went to button it, the button Irene had supposedly sewn on just came off - no tug, no string, it was as if it was just balanced on my vest somehow.  I smiled and said "Thanks, babe!" knowing that I was right where I was supposed to be at that moment.

I got to the hospital and said, "man have I got a story to tell you!" thinking about the button on the vest, and they said "Wow, do we have a story to tell you!' about the pastor and the timing of her final breath.

One of our pleasures during the almost three year cancer battle when we drove into town for chemo treatments or doctor visits was to stop at a particular gas station chain (that had several stores along the way) for a flavored cappuccino.   For about 4 months before her passing, when Irene and I would come into town, all those gas stations had been out of any of the cappuccinos we loved.  I tried every one of them in or near our path to her various appointments, sometimes multiple ones on the same day, trying at least 4 different stations over the course of those 4 months.  At one point I just asked the manager if they were out and if  he was going to get any more because they had been out so long.  He just said "no", so I figured they were phasing them out and I stopped even trying to get any.

On the way home after Irene passed with Robert in my car, my cell phone rang and I answered it because we had all just left the hospital and I thought we might have left something there or forgotten something. Normally I don't answer the cell phone when driving, and the distraction had caused me to change my path out of the hospital and the route I normally take home so I could pull off towards the side of the road and not be in traffic.  The person who had called sounded like a sales person but, once again, I thought it might be something important so I listened a little longer than usual and she mentioned the pastor's name at the hospital so I continued listening politely until I could find a time to hang up ASAP.  She asked if I thought Irene would want her corneas donated so someone could get to see and I rolled my eyes knowing yes, Irene wanted it and so I needed to stop and talk to this person.  I  thought I might as well pull into the gas station we were by and fill up the tank while I talked to her.

We sat by the gas pump and she said I would have to verbally fill out a form - it couldn't happen later because it was 5pm and she got off work soon, and it couldn't be the next day because they had to harvest immediately.  So I asked Robert to fill the car up and thought I'd go into the store while talking to her.  Since I couldn't get off the phone until we were done and since I had some time, I decided on a whim to give the Cappuccino another try.  They actually had my favorite cappuccino!  I laughed and said out loud, "That's great, babe!" - talking to Irene, again acknowledging her efforts. (Her corneas were harvested and used to give someone sight.)

When all of us got to the house I made sure we had the TV on the Wheel of Fortune channel and paused it while we were talking because that's what Irene and I always watched (and made everyone else watch if they were with us).  Robert's wife, Shanna, had brought some food over and it smelled great. I had already eaten that day (I only ate once a day) but this food smelled so good and I was so hungry that for the first time in about a year I decided to eat a second time in a day. I realized that what I was eating was mashed potatoes and meat loaf.

I asked Shanna why she made that in particular and she said because it was the only ingredients she had on hand.  Meat loaf and potatoes was my favorite meal that Irene made me for 27 years and whenever she wanted to make me something special, she knew without asking to make me meat loaf and mashed potatoes. To me, this was another sign in a long line of signs that she is with us.

When we came to the point in the conversation to where I thought we could watch some Wheel of Fortune, I looked at the TV and realized I had paused it on an graphic on the part of a Texas Oncology commercial that reads "I CAN" in red letters of the words "FIGHT CANCER", right over the Texas Oncology information. Texas Oncology was where Irene's oncologist was and where she got all her chemotherapy and saline infusions.

We all felt she was there with us.  I feel so surreal - it is so, so strange that she actually passed.  She is the glue of the entire family, the central figure.  She is so strong, so vibrant and so loving that it just seems impossible that she's "gone" and the universe is still here.  It's like in one moment, everything changed and nothing is like it was before.  Somehow, by the grace of God, I'm not destroyed - yet, anyway. I can only think it is her and God helping me through this.


April 16, 2017 Sunday - The 43 Year Old Note


Our other son Mike and Gerra stayed at the house the rest of the week and Robert and another daughter,  Ivori, were over about every day. I spent the past few days getting some of Irene's affairs in order, such as applying for a death certificate and notifying doctors and services.  I also had the kids take things of hers they wanted. Today everyone had left and I was doing some work and cleaning up.  Gerra had gone through the desk by the bed and I wanted to find Irene's pocket calendars (which she kept years of, with daily notes throughout), so I could find some information about when our dogs might need flea and tick meds because summer was coming up. It's astounding how much information a married couple relies upon each other to have. Irene kept track of all sorts of things even while battling her illness.    

Looking through her stuff was very emotional. How much every little thing means to you when a loved one passes!  I found an old notepad marked “recipes” and  threw away some recipe notes she had made on the front page so that I could use the notepad (she had lots of barely-used notepads).  I flipped through the pad and didn't see anything written inside so I tossed it onto the bed behind me with some other pads. When I went to pick it up I took it by its back and it opened to reveal her handwriting on the backside of the back two pages. I just happened to pick it up in a way that I saw those passages.

Glancing at the entry the pages were dated ’74 at the top - I didn't initially make out the rest of the date.  Both pages were her writing about the loneliness and despair she felt because she had no one in her life to love, talk to or who loved her, and that was all she wanted in life. It broke my heart. I burst into tears..  I put the notepad down and felt so sad for that lonely, despairing 17 year old girl.

Then I could feel Irene telling me that we had given her everything she ever wanted in life. I started feeling immensely grateful and happy, even through my heartache, about the life that 17 year old had ultimately lived.  I felt so comforted that I and all of our children had been able to fill her life with the love and companionship she had so desperately wanted.  

I was dumbfounded that this note had lasted 43 years through many moves to many different states she had made in her life, now tucked away in the back of a drawer of a nightstand.  I doubt she even knew it was there.  An hour or so later I read the notes again and felt the urge to look at the date again – it was dated April 16, 1974 when she had written those notes.  I got up and went to the living room and the digital clock said it was April 16, 2017.  She wrote those notes exactly 43 years ago to the very day!  I knew this was Irene's way of telling me she was here and to know beyond doubt that she had a completely fulfilled life.


April 17, 2017 Monday - Irene Changes the Channel

Today I paused the TV to get up and get something out of the kitchen and the TV changes by itself to another channel. I was going to watch a recorded show anyway so I sat down and started a recorded show and watched it a bit, paused the recording and got busy doing other things. A couple of hours later I finished watching my show, then switched to live TV and realized it was on ID network – a network I haven’t watched in a week. Apparently Irene changed the channel to ID network right in front of me, I just didn’t realize it at the time. That was one of her favorite networks.

When things like this happen I always acknowledge it. I talk to Irene virtually all day long every day, unless there are other people around. I've even started acknowledging and talking to other people who have passed who I think will probably be around - my mom, dad and brother; Irene's son Jamie; her biological dad Karl and mom Lynette; and her step-father Donnie. I also acknowledge the presence of Cory, the son of my good friend Trey. 

I talk to Irene and act as if she is around me, envisioning her as often as possible, for a reason beyond merely seeking comfort and continuity. Something we believed in was the manifesting power of prayer and affirmations, and that one should live as if something is true if that is what they wish to be true. Our life is a long, long history of having faith, praying, affirming and living in gratitude and love as all of our dreams not only came true, but came true in a way that was even better than we could have imagined. We have a saying, a kind of motto about our love and our life - "the Reality is Better than the Fantasy" because at every juncture and change, even after every challenge and problem, we came away stronger and more in love than ever, and life became even sweeter and better than we previously thought possible.

So, as she and I had discussed before her passing, I'm continuing to do that same prayer & affirmation and "living as if" as we did before in order to develop our relationship going forward. There is not and never has been any thought of trying to "move on" or trying to "get over it"; this is about us moving forward and both of us doing what we can from both sides of this to continue our relationship going forward to see what we can accomplish. The idea of leaving my relationship with Irene behind as a beautiful and treasured memory is incomprehensible to me. 

She's my eternal soul-mate. The depth and completeness of our love for each other would probably be considered unhealthy by some. I don't have the slightest need or desire for anyone else in that sense. She is the only on that makes me feel complete. I still feel her completely and totally in my heart and mind; the challenging aspect of this is that I cannot physically see her, hear her or touch her.

Every day I do all I can with thoughts, actions, feelings and words to manifest our future together as a joyous, happy, and fulfilling transdimensional soul-mate marriage for as long as I'm still in this world. I know she's doing the same. I'm excited to see what we can make happen.

As the day ends, I'm still feeling relatively good. I feel the presence of something in my heart, protecting me from too much pain or despair. I feel like she is protecting me. I am constantly talking to her and envisioning her.


April 18, 2017 Tuesday - Sentimental Value

I found a new “our song”.  It came on the radio as I was coming back from dropping Freya (another daughter - we have 7 children in all, including Jamie ) off yesterday – “My Best Friend”, by Queen.  Somehow it makes me very, very happy to play that loud and dance through the house talking with my soul mate like some crazy old man dancing and talking to himself.  You'd think it would break my heart, but I still feel I am being protected from any serious pain or grief at this time, and only continue to feel my great love for Irene and my happiness that she is no longer in pain and is still with me and will always be with me.

I find myself torn about getting rid her immense collections of stuff, but we just can’t keep passing a ton of stuff around.  Someone’s gotta let this stuff go, and I feel like it has to be me to do it.  Of course we will keep all the good and meaningful stuff, but nobody needs to hold on to 1000 seahorse, cardinal, buffalo and whatnot trinkets and nick-knacks. Not to mention a gazillion notes and scribbles and receipts and everything. Irene wasn't as bad as a hoarder, but she did have a great sentimental attachment to things that remind her of people she loved, loves and what she has been through in life. If someone gave her a gift or a card, or a child or grandchild drew a picture or wrote a note, she kept it and it was dear to her.

As I look over her possessions, I begin to really understand why it was so hard for her in life to part with any of it - and I know she is now depending on my and the kids to go through everything, find the things that need to be kept and get rid of all the rest. She doesn't want us dragged down by all her possessions - something she and I talked about even before she passed, even though it was painful for her to think about it - she knew it had to be done.


April 20, 2017 Thursday - Beginning a New Kind of Relationship

The past couple of days many events have happened in our lives that make us think that Irene is around influencing things for our good.  What I want to write about though is some of my experience so I can look at it at a later date.

About a year before Irene passed she went through a very serious medical problem with her breathing and at that time the doctors told us she wasn't going to make it.  During that entire time I was fighting back a tidal wave of panic and grief and whenever I was alone I would completely lose it and crumple up and sob and cry out and beg God to not let her die.  I also remember back about two and a half years when we first met the oncologist and the first thing she said was that we should consider hospice at that time.  She took Irene out for an X-ray and I was in the office by myself and a wave of panic and great sorrow rushed through me.  The rest of the day I was fighting back tears at the thought of losing her.

I write that in order to make sure anyone who may read this knows that the very idea of Irene dying was enough to break my heart any time I thought about it.  I recorded her telling me she loved me so I could play it back and watch it if anything ever happened.  When she actually passed, though, I felt  a presence I can only describe as a hand on my heart that was protecting me.  I had expected to perhaps even die of a broken heart when we realized how bad it was this time, but that pain didn't come then.  Perhaps I was in shock.  I don't know. 

But throughout these last events, from the time she had to go into the hospital on Saturday the 8th, even after Sunday night when she went downhill fast, I never felt that overwhelming sense of loss or grief – it was amazing. The most sorrow I felt was when I read that note I found.  I could feel Irene protecting me – like she had her hand on my heart the whole time. Yes, I would feel pain, but it was completely different from before – I knew she was there, I knew she was with me. It seemed to me that she was with all of us, guiding, comforting and protecting us.

At some point I became aware of a sensation unlike any I have ever experienced – at first I sort of recoiled from it because it was so overwhelming I thought it was grief and pain, but that wasn’t it. When I recoiled it vanished. I started processing what I had actually experienced; it was like something had touched me because it it originated on my face.  I wondered if Irene was touching me or communicating something to me in some way.

When the sensation came again I didn't recoil and this incredible sensation crept over me from the side of the couch she used to sit on beside me.  It was a physical and emotional/psychological experience that was again unlike anything I've ever experienced.  I let it wash through me and it brought tears to my eyes.  It made my heart beat fast and made me breathe in big gulps. It just filled me with an indescribable, positive emotion/sensation.

Of course, I talk to Irene all the time and can feel her presence most of time. I’m working out our new relationship like we had talked about before she passed.  I set her coffee out and I leave the channel on one of her favorite channels when I work or sleep.  Every so often some words pop in my head as if she said them and they make me laugh out loud.  I find time to talk at great length to her to brainstorm about how to handle this new form of relationship.  I’m really quite excited about it even if some others might think I’m crazy.

When I was out running various errands that I had to run (unbelievable how much one must do when someone passes, along with having to work and carry on normal functions), I would feel her with me. I would easily envision her sitting beside me, walking beside me, doing cute, funny things to make me laugh or warm my heart. I imagine anyone seeing me would have thought I was a little nuts, busting out laughing at times or saying "I love you so much" to my invisible wife, chuckling intimately or nodding.

I can feel a couple of different ways she makes her presence near me known – a sense of love and relief and calm flow over me that is unmistakable, and recently images of her will pop in my head whereas before I had a hard time imagining her with me.  These are two different experiences – when I imagine her, and when these images of her being with me pop in my head. Imagining or envisioning her requires effort on my part, while the image-popping just happens and carries a really nice sensation of love and of her being there with me. Mostly she pops in my head wearing a blue overall shorts outfit she used to wear when we first met, or the black dress with a floral print that was her favorite for a long time, and she usually looks like she did wearing the black dress. Sometimes she pops in my head younger than that, sitting crosslegged on the couch, with shorter hair like when we first met.

I have some ideas about developing this relationship going forward.  I was thinking last night, wondering if over time we lose connection to people that have passed because we don’t really interact with them, we don’t validate their presence and we succumb to the notion that we must “move on” with our lives, that it is more “healthy” for us not to “live in the past”.  Also, perhaps it is just too painful and too hard for many people, who do still have lives to live, to try to maintain a relationship especially when there is family around and co-workers who might have a difficult time dealing with someone carrying on a relationship with the departed.

I am quite blessed in the fact that I don't face such behavioral or lifestyle limitations.  I can act in concert with my beliefs - that there is in fact an afterlife or spiritual dimension and that those there can and do interact with us and our lives - in fact, the love they have for us is why they wish to stay with us for the duration of our lives.  We are in their heart and soul. My family knows about our beliefs and many of them share those beliefs.  I work from home and so do not spend most of my day in an environment that would require I act as if Irene is not with me.

So, why not have a relationship with her? Why not acknowledge and talk with her and other family here? Why not validate their presence and what they do?  Why not do all I can to better interact with more clarity and connection, instead of trying to "move on"? Why not move forward with them and in a new kind of relationship?


April 22, 2017 Saturday Morning - The First Dream

Either I am still in shock or Irene is still protecting my heart because I felt fine when I went to sleep last night.  I haven't had any trouble at all going to sleep.  I do leave the TVs on to channels I think Irene might enjoy watching - kind of a silly notion, but it makes me feel more connected to her.  I always talk to her as I fall asleep (well, I talk to her all day long), but so far no real pain or sorrow, just a kind of dreamy sense of love and connection.  

Just before I woke up I had a few seconds of dream of Irene that I remember, she was in her shorts-overalls outfit from the big picture I made for the Celebration of Life and she looked like she did in that picture. She was coming in through a doorway saying “It got warm in here” – clear as a bell I heard her voice.  I was so excited I woke up. It jogged my memory that a few weeks before she passed I had a very sweet dream of us when we were younger that I told her about when I woke up.  

I don’t dream often or at least don’t remember it.  Very cool that I heard her so clearly and was able to remember her so distinctly. Had a nice talk with her over coffee this morning where I felt her touch again. I’m going to have to come up with a name for that sensation.  It's an incredible sensation.  I would think that the sensation could easily be mistaken for some kind of emotional pain in the beginning because it's unlike anything else.  Also, I think that if such sensations are when the departed touch us, it could be a purely good feeling that might generate some sadness inside because it is that person and we physically, psychologically react in a kind of automatic way with pain because a part of us insists that they're "gone".

I started noticing that every time I set her coffee out, later in the day when I pick it up there is a white drawing of a blooming flower in the coffee.


April 22, 2017 Saturday Evening - The Allen Wrench

Ivori came out and Emanuel (her son, our grandson) was putting a new swing bench together in the front living room (the old one broke).  He needed an allen wrench. Usually, the boxes come with the tools necessary to put the thing together, especially if it’s an allen wrench.  I looked around for allen wrenches, literally pulling stuff out of my tool boxes and fishing around in them for about 5 minutes and didn’t find one. I called Robert and asked him and he said he’d round his up and bring them over.  Meanwhile, Ivori was standing at the cabinets in the hallway looking for an allen wrench and said out loud, “Irene, I know you have allen wrenches, show me where they are!” and she immediately turned and walked into the mud room looked down at the tool box I had just searched, and right there in plain sight, the first thing her eyes landed on was a whole. brand new set of allen wrenches.

I know I did not have those allen wrenches before.

We were all amazed.  One of them fit and I called Robert back saying we found a set.  Then Emanuel came in and we were validating Irene, thanking her for her help and were going over the sequences of events again and I popped open my ipad and right there at the top of the news scroll in a automated facebook "memory" post, there was a pic of Irene with coffee in one hand, her arms up as if to say “Look at what I can do!” in response to the allen wrenches, I turned it around and showed Ivori and emanuel and a few seconds later the lights dimmed twice just like they did for Robert and I before.

Robert, Shanna & Khloe (our great-grandaughter) came over and Shanna dressed her up in her new Batgirl outfit I got her. The mask went missing and we couldn’t find it anywhere.  I asked Irene to help find it and while she was at it, jokingly, find the soundbar remote we lost years earlier. About 1 minute later Robert found the old soundbar remote, but we didn’t find the mask. We had looked for that soundbar thoroughly several times.  I wondered if Irene was doing something with the mask for later, which is why I wrote this down.  We  were all walking around going, “Where’s the mask? Where could it have gotten off to? Is it in your pockets? Where’d you put it? Could it have fallen?”  It seemed to have simply disappeared.

I still feel my heart being protected.


April 23, 2017 Sunday - The Mask, Part 2

I had another short dream of Irene, she was in her blue overall shorts with a t-shirt and we were at the small house we lived in for many years and she was fixing something on the wall above the couch. She said something, I don’t remember what.  I didn’t even try to interact with her in the dream, just walked by into the bedroom.

A couple of hours later I lay back down to sleep and I had another prolonged envisioned interaction with Irene, before I went to sleep, that was very vivid. In my mind I could see her and feel her for prolonged periods of time, much better than before.  Towards the end when I fell asleep I was remembering things about us that I had forgotten.  The pictures help with this, but I remember she would curl up in my arms while we were sitting on the floor or on a couch and I remember her wearing a white short-overall with a pink shirt and also a pink and brown top. I specifically remember being with her while she was in that outfit.

This morning I was looking at that “glamour” shot of Irene and I and I was just so glad I had it, because she is just so beautiful in that picture. I love to look at it. I feel like looking at photos of her and watching videos (there are very few) and listening to her voice helps me to better establish and maintain her presence in my life. I found myself wishing I had more photos like that. There was a sadness I was starting to feel, of missing her.

I took my ski exerciser apart for Freya and started moving some furniture around.  When I swung one of the hallway double doors open I saw the glamour shot of the whole family up on a little corkboard hanging behind the door.  It was a different shot, one of all of us about 21 years ago. Good grief, we looked like a roving band of gypsy models.  What a picture!  I was very happy that I found another picture of Irene and after I scanned it in realized it was high quality and I’ll be able to blow it up really big and not lose quality.

While I’m moving furniture around, I kid around with Irene about the mask that disappeared, wondering why she took it,  saying it would be nice if I could find it.  A little while later I sat down and was flipping through some channels to find something Irene and I like to watch together, and I run across Long Island Medium, which is one of her favorite shows and we have watched it together many times.  The medium's daughter was doing Teresa's (the medium) makeup and at one point she says, “I can’t find the mascara” and for about 5 minutes they’re doing exactly what we had been doing with the mask and saying the same things, asking the same questions, only it’s “What did you do with the mascara” and “we just had the mascara” and “is it in your pockets?”  Instead of "mask", they were saying "mascara".

The next show they had a scene where Teresa was telling this woman about her husband and it affected her in what appears to be the same way Irene affects me when she is around and touches me. It looks like grief and sadness but it isn’t, so I was telling Irene, pointing at the TV and saying “See? You think she’s sad that her husband is still with her and said all those comforting thing through Teresa to prove to her he is around?  That isn’t sadness.  It's something indescribable - happiness, joy, relief, confirmation, reunion." It was a perfect example of that sensation when Irene touches me with that profound emotional content.

Teresa then went on to tell her that her husband said he was always going to be with her everywhere she goes and that he will be there to greet her when she passes, and then said that the soul bond of love couldn’t be broken. That was the first time I’d ever heard her say that. It was extremely validating.   Later, in another show, she told someone that the feeling of their loved one being around diminished because the pain heals, but they were still around.  This validates some things I was thinking about how it is really a lack of attention and interaction that begins to diminish the sense of presence, and that both sides may do it in order to “heal” and decrease the pain. The person on the other side might think they are causing pain by being around or are scaring people or are troubling them.

All of this pushed back the sensation of sorrow and missing Irene, as I talked with her, wondering what might happen if both people – the one on this side and the one on the other – both work to keep the connection strong?  What if they both commit themselves to working through the pain and grief and all the problems and challenges that such a relationship might entail?


April 24, 2017 Monday - The Upside

Today I went into Waco to pick up Irene’s death certificates that had finally been authorized, and place her obit placed in the a local paper.  I also stopped by and ordered  a new storm door for the front and after going home, walking the dogs and eating, went to Temple to get the obit placed there in the Daily Telegram. Irene was with me all day – literally all day long. I felt her presence all day and she touched me with that amazing contact experience several times. I’m starting to comprehend that sensation – in one respect it’s overwhelming happiness, but another part is like trying to explain an orgasm.  It’s just indescribable.  I envisioned her flirting with me and playing with me and it seemed she put all sorts of fun and cool images in my mind. I heard her voice several times in my mind telling me she loves me and making funny and sarcastic comments.  Sometimes she just sat next to me. 

It’s really hard to express some of this without sounding like a raving lunatic.  Most of the time I’m just so happy for her and us.  We get to be together all the time now. She has no sickness holding her back.  She’s her full, powerful, beautiful, young, vibrant awesome self.  Most of the time I envision her as she is in the glamour shot, but often she appears as other ages and times just to have fun with me.

I’m experiencing this deep, profound sense of relief and freedom. I’m with my soul mate; I will always be with my soul mate.  I don’t have to worry about it.  I can talk to her any time and she’s there.  I can listen or look for her and know she’s there.  That bond means we are always together even when we are physically apart.  It’s the most amazing sensation.  I haven’t experienced real grief once since she died. I have experienced sadness in short bursts here and there for very short durations but it seems she comes and blows it away like she’s blowing out a candle. Sadness can sneak up but simply disappears.

Another aspect of this is that now I feel this much greater degree of intimacy with her, which is very freeing and liberating.  I feel we are in total real, complete union and understanding.

Gerra called to tell me that she thought Irene was doing some cool stuff to get her finances straightened out.  A random call from a random number was looking for Veronica, but it turned into Gerra getting her default student loan situation sorted out through an official forgiveness program.  


April 25, 2017 Tuesday - Mental Gears

At just past midnight this morning I woke up had another long mental/envisioned interaction with Irene.  Those interactions are so pleasant.  Later I started feeling sadness, like Irene wasn’t here.  I still didn’t feel grief, just sadness that she wasn’t here physically.  I miss her. Then around 6:15 I suddenly felt completely comforted by her presence again - like she had to have her attention elsewhere and now it was back. I was totally fine from then on.

On Wheel of Fortune there was the old gray-haired guy named Karl with a K, like her dad.  I wondered if Karl was with her and around here. The rest of the evening I just felt that same protective barrier keeping my emotions normalized, which I know must be Irene, because I know what’s down there trying to lure me into it. I have something of a self-destructive streak I grapple with - I tend to think about things that cause me pain.  Irene would say she could see my gears turning and a mechanical look would come over me when we first met and something was bothering me.  I tend to overthink things and always look for worst-case scenarios, but I have gotten much better since we've been together.  I occasionally worry that I'm annoying her or disrespecting or not paying her enough attention. This is the self-destructive chaos of my worrisome mind working overtime.  

To be fair, this is an entirely different kind of relationship and navigating it in actual practice is a little intimidating and confusing. Trying to separate my thoughts from what I think are her attempts at communicating via feeling into my thoughts and projected imagery is ... I don't even know how to describe it.  Sometimes I wonder how much is me projecting and how much is really her.

I know there is a profound, unmistakable difference between an actual transdimensional event/visitation and implanted or projected thoughts and imagery. From the information I have actually interacting with clarity is a hyper-real experience and is unmistakable. I haven't had that kind of experience yet - where I can see her and hear her and feel her with crystal clarity - although that emotional touch was definitely overwhelming, and envisioning and the images of her popping in my head is very warm and comforting.

Every day, I talk to her all day and validate it when I think or feel like she's coming through. I tell her my sensations and thoughts so that on her side she can evaluate her attempts and actions and know what kind of effect they are having in my experience.  I do this from the perspective that she is actually here and actually trying to communicate and be active in my life. I do feel a little panic when I go for too long a stretch without talking to her or feeling her, like when I concentrate on work or when I have to talk with or interact with other people for a a while.


April 26, 2017 Wednesday - The Mask, Part 3

Jessie, Robert's daughter (our granddaughter) came by to look through Irene’s things and she was looking for a particular little bottle that Irene used to tell her, when she was little, that a genie would come out of if she opened it. She looked through the bottles but couldn’t find it. Finally she just said that she really wanted that little bottle and was then led right to it in the nick-knacks where she didn’t think it was.  She also found the Batgirl mask that had been missing - we had looked all through that stuff when we were searching for it!

I playfully talked to Irene about her hide-and-seek game with the mask, validating her.  I realize I may mistake a coincidence for a deliberate event, but she knows I'm doing the best I can.  I'd rather validate mistakenly than not say anything at all, if for nothing else to let her know I appreciate all she's doing.

Today I have felt so good about things.  I’m much, much more comfortable with our (Irene and my) new relationship. I’m not worried about losing that connection, not worried about feeling separated from her. I can feel her here. I don’t feel like I have to keep trying all the time to see her mentally nor do I get panicked when I have trouble connecting.  It all happens very naturally and I’m completely reassured that we are good going forward forever. I’ve been happy all day long about our new relationship!!  I was feeling drained at one point and my brain was fried, so I lay down and she appeared in my mind naturally, laying there next to me with her head on my chest and her arm and leg draped over me as had been our habit for so many years. It was a like a miracle cure for my normal drained and brain-fried sensation problem that usually drags out all afternoon.

Robert brought in her Temple obit and it looked so good with that great "gypsy" picture of her.  Had another 1 minute bout of sadness after he left but it was fine.  I'm starting to wonder if there is a connection between people visiting and the sadness I feel afterward.  I have always tended to take on other people's emotions, feelings and pains.  There have been times when I've felt really bad in certain ways only to find out later that someone in the family had been going through that very same thing.  Irene and I used to talk about it and I'm talking to her about it now. I've got to be careful about picking up other people's feelings and thinking they're my own.


April 27, 2017 Thursday - When The Pain Begins

I woke up 2AM with my tooth killing me.  It finally subsided and I went back to sleep but didn't rest well. I felt a little sad this morning for about a minute, but I think that has more to do with lack of sleep than anything else.  I couldn’t get a dentist appointment until Tuesday. They sent a prescription in for antibiotics, but I still had pain meds they had prescribed me before.

Later in the evening both my tooth and my emotions erupted in major pain – tried every over-the-counter pain killer and combination including oral jel and the prescription pills and I couldn’t get it to stop.  I'm starting to feel grief - real emotional pain. It's not just pain, it's flat out panic and despair.  I've become someone else than I have been for the past couple of weeks.  I'm sobbing uncontrollably, kneeling beside my bed and praying desperately between convulsions of physical and emotional pain.  I wished that Irene had written me more a card or note or letter that I could read and re-read. I told her it wasn’t fair that she had so many in writing from me and I didn’t have any from her. I'm hoping I die of a broken heart or some kind of tooth infection tonight so this will end and I can be with her.  

Looking through the medicine cabinet later I found Irene’s morphine pills, took  a couple and they pretty much knocked me out.  As as they took effect and both pains subsided, I fell asleep with tears in my eyes, and it was so bizarre that I thought it was too bad I was falling asleep because I noticed the NFL draft was on and I wanted to stay up and see who the Cowboys drafted in the first round. So stupid and silly the kinds of thoughts that float around in your head.


April 28, 2017 Friday - The Dallas Cowboy Draft Picks

I woke up about 2:30 in the morning.  Wasn’t in pain, actually felt okay emotionally.  About 10 minutes after I woke up Ivori texted me saying they had been up all night trying to fix plumbing – something I remember Irene and I doing a few times at our previous house.  I decided I’d better put some food in my stomach and take a couple more pills before I went back to sleep, so I heated up  a tortilla, sat down and turned on the TV.  Right at that point the Cowboys were next in line to make their first draft pick.  I couldn't believe it and laughed out loud thanking Irene.

The pain meds  for my tooth seem to be dulling my emotional pain as well. I can feel it back in the background like a giant rabid bear ready to tear me apart, but it stays in the background as I function the rest of the day.  I pick up one of our other daughters, Freya, to bring her out  to the house for a visit.

After I took her home, there was a song on the radio on the way back and I immediately knew was another new “our song”.  By the time I got home, though, I had forgotten the song.

Gerra and Matt (her friend) got here at about 9 in the evening.  I told Matt the stories about the things Irene had done after she passed and went to bed about 11:00.  I woke up around 2:00 again but felt like I was having trouble breathing normally.  I was also really itchy, so I thought I might be having a reaction to the antibiotics and took a Benadryl.  I couldn’t get back to sleep so I turned on the TV.  I don’t know if it was live or a rerun of the past day, but when I turned it on it was on NFL network and the Cowboys were at that time taking their 2nd pick in the draft.  I felt comforted, acknowledge Irene's efforts and was able to go back to sleep even though I still felt that pain just waiting for me.  I was actually glad I had a tooth issue if the pain meds were keeping that mind-numbing grief at bay.


April 29, 2017 Saturday - Celebration Of Life For Irene

(5' tall picture board I designed and had printed on plastic for the occasion)

Today is the day we have Irene's public Celebration of Life at the elementary school cafeteria (which the school rents out for private and public events).

When I woke up I had dreamed of Irene and I had a song going through my head. While showering I realized it was the song I had forgotten on the way home from Freya's that was now one of our new songs – Reminiscing, by Little River Band.  Got it downloaded, played it a little but it was too emotional so I changed it to a metal rock song while I did some things around the house.  I have my media player set to random play and I have around 200 songs, and (now) 5 of those songs are our “Our” songs.  So the next song after the rock song was one of our songs; and then it played another.  I laughed at the end and said “Okay Irene, play “You’re Still The One” (by Shania Twain) and I’ll know it’s you.”  Boom, next song was “You’re Still The One” by Shania Twain, our favorite "our song”.  I couldn't listen to it all the way through but I acknowledged what she did.

When I write that I "acknowledged" her actions, it means that during my day-long, virtually every moment dialogue with her I tell her how much it means to me that she is doing what she is doing; I tell her how much I love her; I tell her how grateful I am that she is my soul-mate; and when those special "sign" events happen, I say things like "Oh, baby, that's awesome!  I love you so much!  Thank you!" and it's usually very emotionally charged with a stream of love and gratitude pouring out of my heart towards her and towards God for giving me all this support and confirmation that she is there.

We had her memorial/celebration and it went off great!  Much better than I expected. There were a lot of family and friends there.  Irene had a lot of very good, very dear friends.  I’ve depended on Robert quite a bit and he has been there for me every time. He and the other kids basically ran the event while I concentrated on keeping myself emotionally stable.  Afterwards the family and friends gathered at our house and I became so physically and emotionally drained that I went and laid down in our bedroom and slept.

Some time later I woke  up and remembered that Gerra wanted this little desk of Irene's to be her daughter's changing table when she was born (she's pregnant).  While I was cleaning out the little desk, I found another note on a a big notepad stuffed into it's drawer, which I guess was where Irene was figuring out what to put on a birthday card to me for my 45th birthday.  It was exactly what I asked for on the 27th.   I was getting very emotional reading and re-reading that note and went back to sleep and slept for longer than I have in years.

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