Blog Posts: July 2017
July 1, 2017 Saturday - Our Anniversary
I had joined a death-of-spouse grief support group on Facebook and from what I read there today – our 27th anniversary – should have been a very bad day. Instead, it was a good day. I read Irene the card I got her and what I wrote inside, then sealed it and put it on her “shrine”. A couple of times during the day I got sad for a couple of minutes but it quickly went away. I’ve had good sessions and feel very strongly that we are doing so much better than anyone could have expected. Especially after reading some of what people say in the group – I realize I am very, very blessed. God I love Irene so much! I consider myself the luckiest guy alive – I know that we being who we are together and so much in tune with each other is helping out immensely.
I had joined a death-of-spouse grief support group on Facebook and from what I read there today – our 27th anniversary – should have been a very bad day. Instead, it was a good day. I read Irene the card I got her and what I wrote inside, then sealed it and put it on her “shrine”. A couple of times during the day I got sad for a couple of minutes but it quickly went away. I’ve had good sessions and feel very strongly that we are doing so much better than anyone could have expected. Especially after reading some of what people say in the group – I realize I am very, very blessed. God I love Irene so much! I consider myself the luckiest guy alive – I know that we being who we are together and so much in tune with each other is helping out immensely.
The day went well -morning prayers session and 3 meditation sessions spaced throughout the day - and I went to bed and talked with Irene while I drifted off to sleep. It was great.
July 2, 2017 Sunday - The Coffee Mug In The Video
Needless to say I felt much better and the rest of the evening went great.
July 3, 2017 Monday - The Realization That Changes Everything
July 2, 2017 Sunday - The Coffee Mug In The Video
I joined a new Facebook group either yesterday or the day before on the afterlife and found out it was basically run by Victor Zammit (see link in the sidebar)! I’ve been reading and referring to his website for years in online debates at various sites, and referring friends and family to it. I put a post in and got a LOT of positive and helpful response. I had a great session this morning and came in really close contact with Irene which triggered a very, very happy emotional reaction. I think I’m going to be able to use some of the information and suggestions from the “AFTERLIFE RESEARCH AND EDUCATION DISCUSSION” Facebook group to help us on our journey.
I do need to do a better job of emptying my mind when I meditate, but I feel great so far today. Had one really weird attack of sadness for about two minutes, then it was completely gone.
Made some food while listening to “I Can’t Wait” and talking with Irene. I watched a TV show while eating and it was one of “our” shows, one called Dark Matter on the SyFy network. Part of the storyline was that the love of this guy’s life had died but her consciousness had been transferred into a computer where she had created a virtual reality to exist in. He was able to put on an interface and enter her virtual world where she was waiting for him to come as soon as he had worked out his issues about the situation. They had a very sweet and happy reunion. That part of the storyline really just came out of nowhere. Amazing!
Jessie called and told me that something (Irene) kept touching her all night keeping her up. Irene had told me to call tell Jessie on Saturday – again! – to tell her she could always come by and talk, but instead I texted her that I love her and Khloe and to have a great weekend. I think maybe this was Irene’s way of getting her to call me so that I could tell her what Irene was telling me.
A couple of times I started feeling sad and then something would happen that would take my mind completely off of being sad and then I’d realize what had happened. I felt like she was figuring out how to stop me from being sad.
So this was really crazy. I got a little sad and started doubting some things that I felt Irene had let me know about our relationship. I asked her for reassurance. The “Perfect Accord” commercial came on, but it didn’t do any tricks. So I went and lay down in bed with my Ipad and opened it up. There was a message on the front that Victor Zammit himself had responded to my post in the Afterlife group I joined. In it he linked to a video someone made about how to contact a departed loved one. In that video the guy was talking about getting the departed’s favorite coffee mug, getting some coffee and sitting it down with you and having a regular conversation over coffee – which is what I do every morning with Irene. He said that you can even test whether or not you’re actually “hearing” your loved one by asking them to tell you something out of the ordinary, and that later in the day what they told you would be verified. The crazy part was that the coffee mug he used in the video as the one the departed was using was one with a single blooming flower on the side – and a white drawing of a blooming flower appears in Irene’s coffee every day since she passed!
July 3, 2017 Monday - The Realization That Changes Everything
I was having a long discussion with Irene about the nature of our existence and our relationship there and here. Let me characterize what I mean by "discussion with Irene" so that you don't misunderstand. This isn't like "clairaudience" where one might hear their loved one clearly speak in their voice (whether in voice or in their mind). Have you ever carried on a conversation with someone in your mind? I would "feel" what seems to me to be her response. Do I know it's her? No. I believe we are communicating this way but I would never assert it as a fact. I'm hoping one day to be able to interact with her with that hyper-real clarity that NDEers (Near Death Experiencers) report.
I was telling her that in some ways I feel didn’t get to fully live out our love for each other here – not in the number of years we had together, but rather due to the fact that we had so many responsibilities, pressures and issues, both internal and external, starting from the very first day. We were both exhausted most of the time when we met; we both had serious money issues; we both had 3 children (6 in all); we both had trust issues and ex-spouse issues; we both had other psychological issues; etc. There was literally never a time that it was “just us”; we had the kids, then had my aging mother move in and Irene largely took care of her until I could move my work to the house. When my mother passed away, Irene was at that time already sick from cancer.
I’m not complaining about going through what we obviously came here to go through. I understand what all of that did for us and how it gave us the opportunity not only for growth but for seeing each other under extreme pressures and in various situations. Our love for each other grew immensely through all of that.
What I told her I wanted, though, is for us to have time and space without all of those pressures and challenges and the draining, tiring nature of the physical world and the limitations and failing nature of our physical bodies to really live out and express that love we have for each other. To have a relationship that isn’t constantly challenged and buffeted around by the suffering and issues and limitations of the physical world.
I found some posts on the Afterlife Facebook group made this morning that seemed to be a response to what I said and validated to some degree that this would be the case. I asked Irene for some validation or reassurance if this would be the case and when I went out to walk the dogs I saw the yellow and black butterfly for the first time in weeks. Then this realization hit me like I was remembering something – this house isn’t our home; it’s the place we made here in this world that reminds us of our real home in heaven. We already have a home there – an actual home, where we live. This world is where we visit to do certain things or learn. This is why Irene has always dreamed of this kind of home and why we manifested it twice in our lives here and how she knew both times we would live in that house when she first saw them; it reminds us of our home in heaven and she knew the home from the plans we made before we even came here. It is a representative manifestation of that place. She always knew it was where we belonged. She longed for that place since she was much younger. This is why our living room is full of “cottage” puzzles by Thomas Kinkade I why I always said our home reminded me of those paintings.
This is why she dreamed of me before we met; this is why two days later, in her journal, she wrote about us getting engaged and marrying and why three days later I wrote that she was the one, and 5 days later wrote that I was in completely in love with her. A week after meeting it was like our identities up to that point had been discarded and we were drawing up our dream home and living in our own private world. This is how she knew where we would be married and where we would live, and why finding this house was like coming home. We were like new people in our self-contained world, but really just reunited lovers re-establishing our real home the best we could, and from that point on we started creating what became a wonderful new life that would wash away all the failure and misery that constantly plagued our lives before meeting.
That is who we are in the next world; that is our life there. We do not have to create it there because it is already there and is the root of what we created here. That is where we live – our home, our world created by our incredible love for each other that has always, eternally existed. We are simply visiting here to do what we came here to do and learn what we came here to learn. We already have the existence I crave for us and when I am done here I will return to her and our home and that life without the worries, problems, issues, limitations or pain of life here. That is why I crave it – it’s already my real, eternal life and I want to get back to it. I long for it just as I longed for it without knowing before I met her, longed for it through two prior marriages never to be satisfied until we were reunited here.
Somehow all of that came very clearly to me and it settled in my heart and mind like a big adjustment of my whole perspective. It’s like, everything changed with that understanding. I started doing some work, playing “I Can’t Wait” on the media player, and I’m crying and crying … but I’m not sad or happy. I don’t understand the emotion I’m feeling. I ask Irene what it is I’m feeling and it comes to me … relief. I’m sobbing with relief. I understand what is going on, who I am, who she is, who and what we are together, where I’m from, what is going on here, what the afterlife is, what this is. And it’s such a profound relief that I’m crying and my heart is pounding like I just won some huge challenge and I’m so excited all at the same time.
July 4, 2017 Tuesday - My Routine
It was such a good feeling that something I posted in the Zammit Afterlife group seemed to resonate with and even help others.
July 5, 2017 Wednesday - "Soul Smart" by Susanne Wilson
Somehow all of that came very clearly to me and it settled in my heart and mind like a big adjustment of my whole perspective. It’s like, everything changed with that understanding. I started doing some work, playing “I Can’t Wait” on the media player, and I’m crying and crying … but I’m not sad or happy. I don’t understand the emotion I’m feeling. I ask Irene what it is I’m feeling and it comes to me … relief. I’m sobbing with relief. I understand what is going on, who I am, who she is, who and what we are together, where I’m from, what is going on here, what the afterlife is, what this is. And it’s such a profound relief that I’m crying and my heart is pounding like I just won some huge challenge and I’m so excited all at the same time.
July 4, 2017 Tuesday - My Routine
Today was a relatively normal, average day. Had a good session morning session and two more meditation only sessions – that’s my new pattern. Prayers and spirit-talk once, then meditation of one sort or another about 3 times a day for 30-40 minutes each time. I have also continued with my circulation yoga and light exercise and have stayed on my new diet for quite some time – lost several lbs the past couple of weeks. Mostly I just eat stir fry, rice, tofu and White Mountain Foods yogurt, plus I drink juice and coffee. I make sure and get some sun every day (Irene let me know that is important).
Had a couple of moments of sadness but nothing too horrible. It’s so weird that I can get such transformational knowledge one day (or one minute) and the next I can be sad. Or, I can have a phenomenal “touch” experience and be so happy and feel like nothing could possibly ever make me sad again, only to succumb a short while later. How can I possibly experience sadness about Irene knowing what I know about us, about her, about our home and our real life? It’s so bizarre. I guess it’s like I’ve been saying – you can’t stop from experiencing the withdrawal spasms no matter how much spiritual knowledge you have – it’s a purely physical reaction that also affects your brain’s psychology. It may never go away. There's still a clutch in my throat at times that feels like I'm about to panic, but it doesn't happen. Is something blocking it out for the time being? I don't know.
It was such a good feeling that something I posted in the Zammit Afterlife group seemed to resonate with and even help others.
July 5, 2017 Wednesday - "Soul Smart" by Susanne Wilson
So this happened last night before I went to bed: I was asking Irene for some validation (yes, I’m still a needy SOB at times), and I started reading an e-book called “Soul Smart” by Susanne J. Wilson that had been recommended in the afterlife group several times. I was telling Irene that I usually dislike reading what anyone else has to say about the afterlife and spirit communication because it doesn’t take much to upset my apparently delicate equilibrium. Anyway, I felt like it was okay to at least read some of this so I started it very tentatively.
It was really, really incredible. Everything Susanne said was describing what I had come to be doing and the information I had gotten from Irene or from someone on the other side. I had already created an incredible “sacred space” for my meditation without even realizing it, sitting on the couch in my usual position (Irene would always sit right next to me), right in front of the “shrine” that had actually been put together and collaborated on ever since we had moved in, never knowing that is what it was going to ultimately be. I do my prayers out of joy, love and excitement to be able to interact with those who are helping me on the other side.
I was already using prayers of protection and stating my intentions before meditating. I had already gotten the information about what life is like on the other side, what our lives there were already like, where we lived. It was absolute vindication and validation from someone well known for their afterlife knowledge like Susanne. I was already talking to those I thought were working on my behalf, out loud, every day. I tell my wife and my grandparents, parents, brother, her parents, her son, and the son of my good friend how much I love them and appreciate them. I have already started including whomever my spirit guide(s) might be, and joke with them that I don’t know their name.
I was already using prayers of protection and stating my intentions before meditating. I had already gotten the information about what life is like on the other side, what our lives there were already like, where we lived. It was absolute vindication and validation from someone well known for their afterlife knowledge like Susanne. I was already talking to those I thought were working on my behalf, out loud, every day. I tell my wife and my grandparents, parents, brother, her parents, her son, and the son of my good friend how much I love them and appreciate them. I have already started including whomever my spirit guide(s) might be, and joke with them that I don’t know their name.
This morning I woke up from sleep fresh from a dream where I saw Irene pull up into the driveway in her truck, only her truck was brand new and she had her long black hair.
I drove into town to bring Freya out so she could clean the house, and on the way in I had the best time and laughed it up with Irene and the rest of my “soul crew”, as I call them. Later Robert and Shanna came by and Shanna cooked dinner and everything was great – we had a good time. I feel like some of Irene’s and my relationship is becoming more normalized and less centered around my needs.
July 6, 2017 Thursday - My Fairy Queen Angel
July 6, 2017 Thursday - My Fairy Queen Angel
Yesterday was amazing in many ways just because I felt normal to really good all day long, even though I drove to town twice, had people in the house the entire day, and only got to do one real session. I didn’t feel any panic or pain – I only felt a comfortable and comforting arrangement with Irene and my spirit crew where I realized that some days I were going to be like that and it was okay to focus on the physical during those times. It doesn’t mean care about her less; it doesn’t mean I’m less interested in pursuing our new direction; it doesn’t mean that I am less motivated to meditate myself towards better clarity with her; it doesn’t mean we are moving apart.
It just means that our relationship is adjusting, moving away from my desperate, panic- and pain-filled need for her towards a healthier, more fulfilling, confident and joyful dynamic that must include my participation in the physical world while I am here.
I’ve been trying to figure out if there’s some way I can share some of what I’ve experienced in the Loss of a Spouse Grief Support group, but every day I read there I realize I’m so blessed and I feel like I don’t have any room or standing to share some of these things with them. The pain they are going through is so devastating and so tremendous; although I know that pain intimately, mine has not been anywhere near so constant or long-lasting. I feel if I try to post something positive it trivializes what they are experiencing and I don’t want to do that. I don’t want to cause anyone any offense or any more sadness. I just want to help if I can.
While I was writing this, the following came to me:
“I want to share something but I don’t want to offend anyone in doing so. I respect everyone’s beliefs and their pain. I’m not saying anything that I’m writing here applies or should apply to anyone else here. I would never say that. I’m only sharing because maybe it might help someone else and I feel compelled to do so.
A couple of weeks ago I feel like I got a very clear message from my departed wife, Irene. She said something very simple but I literally burst into tears as soon as it crossed my mind in her voice: “You don’t have to be in pain to show me you love me.” I immediately knew that, in some ways, I actually held the pain closely because it was strongly, so strongly, connecting me to her.
Years ago, long before she got sick, I drew my wife (how I saw her) and wrote her a message on it to try and tell her how I felt about her. The last line sums up the crushing realization I had when she spoke in my mind. The last line says:
Years ago, long before she got sick, I drew my wife (how I saw her) and wrote her a message on it to try and tell her how I felt about her. The last line sums up the crushing realization I had when she spoke in my mind. The last line says:
Beyond all that
All the explanations
Beyond your beauty, your light, your dark,
Your joy, your sorrow,
The endless hours of passion
And delightful communication
And falling asleep next to you ...
Beyond all explanation
I know that to be without you
Would turn my world into a lifeless, painful, bleak existence
Where my only comfort
And my greatest torture
Would be to think of you.
It’s taken me some time since she told me that for me to realize there are many, many ways that I can show her how much I love her without clinging to the pain. I can talk to her anytime, get cards for her and write her notes just like I used to; I can watch our favorite shows with her (even though I cannot see her) and find new ones for us to get involved in, and set her coffee out for her just like always; I can laugh with her and enjoy the sunshine and family events and holidays just like always. Experiencing laughter, and happiness and joy is not a betrayal of her; it is not a diminishment of our love or what she means to me; it is a testimony of my love for her. It is a validation that the joy and goodness of our love on Earth continues even while she is in Heaven and I am still here. I want her to be so proud of me that she brings others in heaven to see what how her man is strong, is proud of her, is living his life in positive and loving testimony to what a wonderful, good, joyful woman she is.
Thanks for letting me share that with you. I love you guys and pray for you all every day.”
I added the picture poem of Irene as a winged angel/fairy and posted it. Immediately it got a lot of very positive response and a couple of people said it even helped them!! I was ecstatic! I just felt like we did it – we used our story to help others!! It felt so good.
Later I had a very good meditation - a new technique just occurred to me after my beginning prayer of intention, protection and God’s will. I sit in lotus position in our living room, where we always sat together and in front of her “shrine”, our sacred space, and concentrate on this: “I have strength, confidence, energy, love and focus – I am manifesting my spirit body into our space (while envisioning our meeting space, as described in “Soul Smart”) to be with Irene – we are supported and protected by the white light of God’s will and love”. It’s easier for me to imagine/focus on being right where I am, and it was we spent much time together by ourselves or with family and friends. I felt more incredibly focused and near to spirit than any other session so far – it felt like I was right there, just on the other side of a thin veil.
July 7, 2017 Friday - Overthinking Everything, Part 3
Later I had a very good meditation - a new technique just occurred to me after my beginning prayer of intention, protection and God’s will. I sit in lotus position in our living room, where we always sat together and in front of her “shrine”, our sacred space, and concentrate on this: “I have strength, confidence, energy, love and focus – I am manifesting my spirit body into our space (while envisioning our meeting space, as described in “Soul Smart”) to be with Irene – we are supported and protected by the white light of God’s will and love”. It’s easier for me to imagine/focus on being right where I am, and it was we spent much time together by ourselves or with family and friends. I felt more incredibly focused and near to spirit than any other session so far – it felt like I was right there, just on the other side of a thin veil.
July 7, 2017 Friday - Overthinking Everything, Part 3
Weird day. Felt disconnected, neutral, had a long discussion about whether or not I liked it, what to do about it. Wrote Irene another note. I got up early – 3:00 am to make the kids some breakfast before they headed out to Colorado to see Helen, Chuck and John. Sessions have been good. I need to get some memes about doing the work and being good with average days and normal days and to let things happen without panicking or feeling weird. Got to feeling bad later, wished I hadn’t gotten weird about feeling disconnected or neutral.
Realized later I need to stop trying to figure these things out and have faith and go forward in trust, faith and love. I’m incapable of figuring out how this is going to work, all I can do is do what resonates with me when I am led to information about how to proceed. God can make me feel any way at any time, and god can open the way between Irene and I at any time. Some things just take time and I need to trust in that which I have already been shown about she and I and our eternal love and life. Also need to remember that some days not getting enough sleep and the heat just gets to me and to stop thinking everything I feel should be analyzed and figured out.
This evening I had a long talk with Irene about what I wanted to experience between us and I have started making affirmation phrases.
July 8, 2017 Saturday - Tiny Habits of Self-Sabotage
July 8, 2017 Saturday - Tiny Habits of Self-Sabotage
Woke up feeling great! Feel totally connected and in love with Irene and very, very confidant about what we’re doing. Had a great session this morning.
During the day my feelings moved towards “normal”, which was fine. I noticed it has been difficult getting wifi on my Ipad lately. I was in the living room to meditate but had started trying to get on the internet instead when it just wouldn’t connect. It seemed that something was telling me to go on and meditate.
I had a very interesting experience while meditating. The sensation of “accomplishing something” has been increasing with my new combination of intense personal connection affirmations with Irene, manifesting myself in the spirit world with Irene affirmation, and my use of the terms “we are focused, we are strong, we have the energy of God in us, we are deeply, intimately connected” etc., after about 30 minutes I am so deep and so comfortable and feeling so good I feel like I could stay there for days – just let all my body parts go numb, I don’t care, I’m like in a physical and emotional womb. Then I feel this really nice sensation occurring in my head, building in intensity. It’s not as emotional as other experiences I’ve had because it seems to be leaving my heart alone and focusing on the center of my head. It built in intensity until it felt like my head was going to burst into light; then there was something like a release – like some barrier had been broken through.
After that I felt great! I started wondering, however, why it is I do certain things, like procrastinate or put off things I know are good for my spiritual growth and good for Irene’s and my connection (like trying to check Facebook, putting off meditating). Then I realized that in very subtle ways I sabotage my efforts and work because I don’t want to be disappointed if they never work. I can just blame myself for not trying hard enough or for taking a step backwards.
I remember when I used to meditate in Sant Mat - I dreaded it. I didn't like meditation at all, but forced myself to do it. Five minutes would drag on forever. I certainly wasn't as motivated as I am now, but even then, when I could meditated for more than about 15 minutes, it was actually pleasant in the sense that I felt myself more detached from the world and more at peace. Now, however, I actually enjoy meditation and even look forward to it, but I have this weird habit of trying to distract myself from it, or absent-mindedly eating too much just before a usual meditation time and so my mind is too sluggish for it. It's definitely some form of self-sabotage and I need to work it out.
July 9, 2017 Sunday - Getting Closer and Gaining Confidence
I remember when I used to meditate in Sant Mat - I dreaded it. I didn't like meditation at all, but forced myself to do it. Five minutes would drag on forever. I certainly wasn't as motivated as I am now, but even then, when I could meditated for more than about 15 minutes, it was actually pleasant in the sense that I felt myself more detached from the world and more at peace. Now, however, I actually enjoy meditation and even look forward to it, but I have this weird habit of trying to distract myself from it, or absent-mindedly eating too much just before a usual meditation time and so my mind is too sluggish for it. It's definitely some form of self-sabotage and I need to work it out.
July 9, 2017 Sunday - Getting Closer and Gaining Confidence
Had an amazing session this morning. Before I meditated, I received 3 messages from Irene that we are in total agreement about my meditating as if we are doing it together, using terms like “we” and “us”. Throughout our time together here Irene would always say that as long as she and I were in sync and on the same page, we could do anything and create anything. We talked about it several times, about how everything (including us) changed when we got together, and how many things happened like magic for us as long as we in harmony.
Last night I wondered what we could have accomplished had we actually prayed and made our affirmations together - out loud, as we are doing now.
This morning, when I start my meditation affirmations it is in a dual voice in my head – I could “hear” her voice in perfect unison with mine. I noticed that there was a new affirmation that wasn’t part of my usual affirmation list and felt it was something she was adding to the session, which was really cool. Just a couple of minutes after I started to meditate my head and heart were just filled with this amazing sense of peace, love, connectedness and joy – it built up quickly and brought tears to my eyes. I continued on for about 30 minutes in what seemed to me a state of meditation very close to Irene and our goal of being together in perfect clarity, feeling so good during the whole time.
After the session there were more signals that this was indeed the way to go forward and that I should just trust that I’m in sync with her efforts and desires.
I want to note that I am so very grateful to Irene, my spirit guide(s), my guardian angel, and my spirit team for bringing me through such a difficult time; after reading in the grief support group about what others are going through, and have been going through for years, I realize I am very, very blessed to be having this kind of experience after Irene passed over. I almost feel guilty about it, and I want to let others know that yes, I love Irene with all my heart, mind and soul. She is everything to me. I am utterly amazed at how well all this has gone so far since she passed. I’m deeply grateful every day that I have apparently been showered with signs, messages and help and relief. I have a great support group both here and “over there” and I would certainly be a complete wreck without them.
So, this is really exciting. When I sat down for my afternoon meditation, I was thinking that if we had really made progress this morning in getting through a barrier, Irene and I, working together, should be able to pick up where we left off and continue our deeply intimate and very close affirmation meditation. Almost immediately after I said my protection prayer and set our intention I was in a deep, almost dizzying state with a charged love connection between us. She popped in my head with a look I had never envisioned before with a playful smile on her face. This was not a hyper-real vision, but just a regular “in your mind” image, but it really affected me emotionally – I burst into a big smile and my heart lept and I laughed.
Ivori and Emanuel came by and she didn’t bring Irene up and I decided not to bring her up unless she asked. We went the entire visit without talking about her, and I was okay with it. Apparently I don’t need as much of that kind of support and apparently it doesn’t bother me as much – at least not today. I’m much more satisfied and supported by this internal connection I seem to have going with her during meditation. It’s really exciting to me and I don’t feel like I need to share it with others in order to gain exterior support.
July 10, 2017 Monday - "The Betty Book"
July 10, 2017 Monday - "The Betty Book"
What a great morning! I did morning prayers, then worked some, took care of the pets and then had a great meditation with Irene.
I was posting some of these entries into the blog this morning and realized that a whole month ago I had already discovered that I should meditate and affirm with “we” and “us”, that it is something we do better and are more effective when we do it together, and it had been validated twice that day … and then somehow over the course of events I totally forgot! Unbelievable. I realize I do need to read back over my journal entries to refresh my memory about what has happened and what I’ve already learned . It seems my mind works to keep these things from me – I guess to try to maintain my “status quo” of being involved in physical world activities. It’s a cognitive bias that seems to disallow or push aside anything that challenges or changes the way things are in my mind, current patterns and habits.
Reading back I am struck by the remarkable, sheer number of message/sign events that have occurred; it’s almost every day, sometimes more than one a day. Also the power and nature of some of those events is simply unbelievable. I am truly so blessed to have an almost embarrassing wealth of support from the other side!!!
Irene had a great idea during meditation on how to contribute more and maybe help people in that support group – use my art and combine with poetry or words to inspire and soothe and give hope. When I met Irene she would write poetry every now and then, and I think it’s her poetry coming through. I’m going to give her credit for it.
I got the first poem and art done – it’s great!
It’s been my regular pattern for several days now to have a full prayer and meditation session in the morning and two more meditation sessions later – one around noon, another around 6pm. The one this afternoon left me feeling totally high and dizzy, I had to go lay down afterward. A couple of times during the meditation I felt like I was high above looking down, even though I couldn’t see anything.
I have had a little trouble today off and on about things changing. Of course things must change now because our relationship is changing and our situation has drastically changed. It’s still hard. Even though she was sick and we couldn’t do much, that was still our relationship/situation for a while and now that particular way of us being together is gone. I wouldn’t wish us to be back in that situation because of her condition and she’s free and young and perfectly healthy now, but it’s still hard. It’s what I was used to.
So I got information that the blocked throat/panic feeling that I get a split-second sensation of sometimes might be some grief that is currently being blocked and which might be currently blocking Irene getting through better to me, so we started a litany of affirmations and prayers in my third session to release all grief, pain, and sorrow – “We are free of all grief, we are free of all pain, we are free of all sorrow” and “I release my grief, pain and sorrow and accept joy, love and excitement for the future.”
Started reading “The Betty Book” today – it reiterated something I was saying just the other day about the difference between intellectual knowledge and incorporating a real understanding of that knowledge into you. It takes time to actually "become" what you have accepted intellectually. Reading afterlife information and understanding it is different from it seeping into your ongoing living existence.
July 12, 2017 Wednesday - In Search of Regular Conversation
July 12, 2017 Wednesday - In Search of Regular Conversation
It's been a busy couple of days. The kids got in at 2:00 am yesterday morning from their Colorado trip. I tried to go back to sleep but couldn’t. I got lots of work done both for work and for this blog. I knew it was going to be a challenge because they were going to be here most of the day yesterday and today Gerra & Jace will be here and we went into town to court to finish up the adult adoption.
I wasn’t able to talk openly to Irene or my spirit team and I had decided not to bring Irene up in order to see how I would weather it. Lately I’ve been feeling that what she and I are personally trying to accomplish is something best kept to ourselves unless asked and put on the blog for those who are interested or shared in interested groups. I don’t want to “force” what we are doing or my methods on the family or anyone else. That’s an old Sant Mat perspective – if others are interested, then speak; otherwise, let life go on here as normal.
Irene didn’t come up much, just a little between Gerra and I. There’s no reason for me to feel bad about it – I’m sure they all talk to Irene in their own minds and hearts. The real issue for me was if it would cause me to crash, but it didn’t. I kept reassuring myself that it was fine; at every opportunity I covertly talked in a low voice with Irene; I meditated when I could; I affirmed that I was releasing my grief, fear an pain and affirmed that it was fine to just be a father to just be involved in whatever was going on at the time. As the song said, she loves me even when I don't try.
I don’t know how well I did because frankly I don’t have much to talk about other than work or what I’m doing to visit Irene and afterlife information I’ve gathered. I probably need to affirm some on just having regular stuff to talk to people about - at least until I can just channel Irene! She was always the conversationalist.
I had a real rush of happiness that almost made me cry in court when the Judge finalized the adoption and Gerra’s name change. I didn’t realize it would make me feel like that – it felt like I was also feeling Irene’s happiness.
The rest of the day went fine - no crash, felt pretty normal other than feeling happy that the adoption was done.
July 13, 2017 Thursday - Drawing In The Coffee
Every single day after my wife passed on April 11 of this year, I've made her coffee the way she likes it as usual and set it on the coffee table where I used to, and I sit where I have always, next to her - where I believe she sits, with me. At the end of the day, when I go to take her cup, there has been a white drawing in her coffee - the same drawing every single day up until about 5 days ago. I posted a picture and made a note of in on my Facebook account on June 11, I think
About 5 days ago I told her that if she didn't want me to make her coffee anymore, stop drawing in it. I think somewhere in my mind I had subconsciously attributed the drawing to natural causes, because it was the same drawing every day. It looked like a blooming flower to me. I didn't for a moment think it would stop.
At the end of the day, there was no drawing. Nothing. Just a cup of coffee. My jaw dropped and I instantly realized that I didn't for a second seriously think the phenomena would stop.
I realized immediately that I couldn't stop making her coffee yet - it was one of the ways I connected to her and, in my mind, showed her I loved her and loved to do things for her. I told her that if she wanted to stop drawing it was okay, but I was still going to have to get her coffee for the time being.
Next day, nothing. No drawing. I realized I hadn't been honest with myself, or her. I told her, "Look babe, I realize I said you could stop drawing in your coffee, but to tell you the truth, I really do miss it now that it's gone. I can get over it if I need to, but I sure do miss it. Would you please keep drawing me pictures in it if you can?"
The next day, a new drawing appeared - a circle in the center of the cup with spikes emanating outward from it. I didn't get a picture of that one, but yesterday she drew what looks like a tree with roots and branches that look like energy.
I put yesterday’s post about the coffee in the grief support group and got a very heartwarming response, but for whatever reason I got into a strange, negative mood – some sadness but mostly just this weird confusion and overall unhappiness, even some anger at still having to deal with this world. Did my full session routine yesterday and even added an extra meditation.
July 13, 2017 Thursday - Drawing In The Coffee
Every single day after my wife passed on April 11 of this year, I've made her coffee the way she likes it as usual and set it on the coffee table where I used to, and I sit where I have always, next to her - where I believe she sits, with me. At the end of the day, when I go to take her cup, there has been a white drawing in her coffee - the same drawing every single day up until about 5 days ago. I posted a picture and made a note of in on my Facebook account on June 11, I think
At the end of the day, there was no drawing. Nothing. Just a cup of coffee. My jaw dropped and I instantly realized that I didn't for a second seriously think the phenomena would stop.
I realized immediately that I couldn't stop making her coffee yet - it was one of the ways I connected to her and, in my mind, showed her I loved her and loved to do things for her. I told her that if she wanted to stop drawing it was okay, but I was still going to have to get her coffee for the time being.
Next day, nothing. No drawing. I realized I hadn't been honest with myself, or her. I told her, "Look babe, I realize I said you could stop drawing in your coffee, but to tell you the truth, I really do miss it now that it's gone. I can get over it if I need to, but I sure do miss it. Would you please keep drawing me pictures in it if you can?"
The next day, a new drawing appeared - a circle in the center of the cup with spikes emanating outward from it. I didn't get a picture of that one, but yesterday she drew what looks like a tree with roots and branches that look like energy.
Needless to say, I'm quite a bit more appreciative of the daily drawings now that I know they are definitely Irene. I can't for the life of me even think why I would even consider not getting her coffee - it seems to me it was all a nudged setup to show me that the drawings are in fact from her. Some days odd things happen, or I'm in odd moods, and there seems to be no reason at all until later when something unfolds.
July 14, 2017 Friday - The Pool Table Upstairs
Got up this morning feeling better, had a good morning meditation, and felt back to a good, happy/normal place.
Got to feeling absolutely great and had a great noon meditation and prayer. I was laughing and talking with my "spirit team" and we were having a great time. Then the breaker for the upstairs ACs went out – apparently the socket up there shorted out and the breaker wouldn’t kick back on. Robert said he could replace it and I decided to stop air conditioning the 2nd floor because nobody uses it, so I brought down everything I didn’t want to get heat damaged. Then a wave of “forlorn longing” of the past hit me about Irene and I playing pool up there (one of the rooms has a pool table in it). We only got to play pool a couple of times and I got to thinking about all the time and other limitations in this world that kept us from doing things like that as much as we would have liked - like playing pool, traveling, going swimming - countless things, really. Even though I know we will have an eternity to do any and all of those things, the sense of sadness at times like this is irrational.
After I cooled down I got back to normal. I really don’t respond to heat well. These afternoons in the middle of Texas summer, where it gets to 100 every day outside, drag me down – always have. It’s always the worst around 6pm and it was long before Irene passed. I don’t know what it is but it always gives me trouble emotionally and psychologically. Irene learned to basically just ignore everything that came out of my mouth at those times and I learned just to shut up until later. Having a giant AC blowing on me seems to help but it's more than just the heat, it has something to do with the time of year.
July 15, 2017 Saturday - Asking For And Getting A Specific Validation
July 15, 2017 Saturday - Asking For And Getting A Specific Validation
My meditations are really getting deep and good. I mean, really good. There is this indescribable sensation now that I get regularly … it’s like a hum my whole body feels that is peaceful, but centered in my head. I enjoy it a lot, making it easy to meditate often. I’m finding it easier to quiet my mind quickly because I know this sensation awaits. There’s also a kind of anticipatory building sensation, as if the hum is building towards something really, really good. This morning Irene was in my dream, but I forgot what it was about and what she was doing. I know it was only for a second, though.
I was reading the Zammit Afterlife forum and in it there was some talk about how much the afterlife resembled life here – houses, gardens, etc., and I remembered another source saying there were jobs, industry , etc. Then I noticed there was an ad in my news stream for dresses and one dress was really great so I got excited and told Irene to look and clicked on the site and they had these absolutely fantastic dresses. We had a great time looking through them and I thought about how one of our highlights every day was watching Wheel of Fortune together and we always loved to see what Vanna White would be wearing and we’d critique her dress. We’d also critique Pat’s suit and the clothes the contestants were wearing, telling them where they went wrong or what they had right.
I remember when I was in high school I go my mom to alter my pants in particular ways so they looked the way I wanted, with wider bell-bottom with black cloth inserted into the bottom of the white pant leg. Throughout my life I've always altered my clothes and put things together in certain ways to get a certain look. Whenever I was drawing something it was the clothes and outfits that interested me the most; and I’ve always been into Steampunk style. Whenever I play online games the most fun and interesting part to me – I’m almost embarrassed to say – was dressing up the avatars with cool outfits. Not just dressing them up, but designing every aspect of the avatar and the clothes to go together into a certain designed look. It's really the only reason I played the games - the games themselves bored me.
As much as Irene would talk about wanting to run around in nature with as little on as possible, she loved colorful and funky clothes. She made her own bandanna dresses and loved to mix to match her color scheme. I loved looking at her in her outfits. She also used to make bead earrings.
A thought jumped into my mind while I was looking through those dresses: “This is one of the things we do on the other side – we design artistic wearing apparel.” It immediately hit me how totally awesome that would be – she and I designing custom, artistic clothes, dresses, outfits, steampunk gear, etc. Our taste in clothes was totally in sync.
Then I remembered from the book “Soul Smart” about asking your guides for a response by setting a specific kind of message response for you to notice. So my question I posed to my spirit team was whether or not Irene and I were artistic apparel designers on the other side; if yes, a sign about making dresses or outfits; if no, a sign about clothes being ripped or ripped off a body, and to make it clear to me it was the sign. The book said you’d probably get a response the same day.
A couple of hours later I tried to turn on Netflix to watch a show – it had just been fine earlier, but now it was glitchy, so I turned to Amazon Prime to look to see if anything good was on there. I almost never look at Amazon Prime. As soon as I turned on Amazon Prime, there it was – the movie, with poster, of “The Dressmaker”. I had an immediate emotional connection and reaction in my heart. OMG!!! Validation!
In another Zammit group discussion I was wondering if anyone else felt ambivalent about spiritual “advancement” and just wanted to spend eternity with their loved ones doing stuff in heaven, and a guy said that he did a reading and had two spirits come across that were together and perfectly happy and content to be as they were, spending eternity with each other and doing things together – and that was their message to him. I felt like the message was for me, telling me that yes, Irene and I and our heavenly life is just like that – exactly what I envision and hope for. I’ve said it before, but it seems that the my longings are really about things I already have in spirit but which are hidden from me while I am here.
I have to find a way of organizing my thoughts about our past and Irene’s stuff. I found out today that going through what stuff she has left is still a mine field for me. I’m pretty sure whatever is causing the choking sensation has to do with “her stuff” and my knowledge that it was all very precious to her but now it’s just stuff that has to be thrown away.
July 16, 2017 Sunday - Alleviating Mournful Attachments
I had four meditation sessions yesterday, they all went great! Bought another digital book, “The Realities of Heaven: Fifty Spirits Describe Your Future Home” by Miles Allen. I’m getting really good information that resonates and I think will help greatly with my attachment problems with Irene’s things and certain memories. I also think I’m getting addicted to meditating! I love it! in my 2nd meditation this morning I felt like I was trying to give birth to my astral or spirit form. Literally, about 30 minutes of me feeling like I was both pushing and pulling in an attempt to free myself from my body – a very energetic feeling, like I was working with energy. It left me almost dizzy it felt so good.
I have to find a way of organizing my thoughts about our past and Irene’s stuff. I found out today that going through what stuff she has left is still a mine field for me. I’m pretty sure whatever is causing the choking sensation has to do with “her stuff” and my knowledge that it was all very precious to her but now it’s just stuff that has to be thrown away.
July 16, 2017 Sunday - Alleviating Mournful Attachments
I had four meditation sessions yesterday, they all went great! Bought another digital book, “The Realities of Heaven: Fifty Spirits Describe Your Future Home” by Miles Allen. I’m getting really good information that resonates and I think will help greatly with my attachment problems with Irene’s things and certain memories. I also think I’m getting addicted to meditating! I love it! in my 2nd meditation this morning I felt like I was trying to give birth to my astral or spirit form. Literally, about 30 minutes of me feeling like I was both pushing and pulling in an attempt to free myself from my body – a very energetic feeling, like I was working with energy. It left me almost dizzy it felt so good.
So a couple of books I’ve read now say pretty much the same thing; that we can fully and completely relive any memory of our lives here on earth, and we can remember them with others if we wish. This is a full, 3D experience; and we can also explore alternative scenarios, things we might have done but did not. Also, the thing is, we can create or have anything basically that we want in the afterlife. Many of us live in homes recreated from their earthly experience. This means that Irene has everything she wants there – she doesn’t need these things here. Her attachment to these things, and mine, are is unnecessary; we can have them or revisit them any time we want. We can revisit anyone in our lives here we want. There really is no need to be attached to things here because it is all available to us on the other side.
I was then able to go through some stuff and take it out to the trash and it didn’t bother me and that throat blockage didn’t come up yet, which it usually does in those situations. I still have to be careful, though. There have been other times that I thought I was okay only to pay a price later.
July 17, 2017 Monday - Russian Accent
I feel weirdly disconnected this morning. Had a kind of “blah” meditation (good prayer session, though), decided to drive into town and get some chores done (shopping, bank), talked to Irene during the trip. Got back and still felt blah, took a nap, felt better when I woke up, had a good meditation, but got back to feeling disconnected but in a kind of “normal” way.
July 17, 2017 Monday - Russian Accent
I feel weirdly disconnected this morning. Had a kind of “blah” meditation (good prayer session, though), decided to drive into town and get some chores done (shopping, bank), talked to Irene during the trip. Got back and still felt blah, took a nap, felt better when I woke up, had a good meditation, but got back to feeling disconnected but in a kind of “normal” way.
Got to feeling a little worse, totally blah, had a bout of sadness, got to wanting to be able to astral travel already to visit Irene. I searched YouTube and found a few videos about some supposed “easy” way to start astral projection. Watched them and they actually made sense and resonated. I’m going to start incorporating some astral travel exercises into my daily routine.
Totally weird --- I was joking with Irene that I should get a Russian mail order bride, but maybe instead that she should learn to talk with a Russian accent for when I visit her in the astral world – then a few minutes later this Russian bride spam email came in with the subject line “Irene”. I thought that was a cute joke and I felt much better.
July 18, 2017 Tuesday - Wow! A Very Encouraging Experience
July 18, 2017 Tuesday - Wow! A Very Encouraging Experience
I had a rather exciting experience this morning. Last night on YouTube I found some videos on "easy", basic ways to astral project that were different from how I normally meditate - they advocated certain techniques that started with lying down. My old Sant Mat training always said it wasn't a good idea to lie down because you'd probably fall asleep.
Anyway, I decided to give the techniques a try; one was all about doing it at the time you normally go to sleep; another was about doing it at a time when you were well rested. Since I saw the videos just before bedtime I tried the bedtime technique out. I prayed my usual protection prayers before doing anything that might involve me leaving my body or experiencing spiritual phenomena.
Anyway, I decided to give the techniques a try; one was all about doing it at the time you normally go to sleep; another was about doing it at a time when you were well rested. Since I saw the videos just before bedtime I tried the bedtime technique out. I prayed my usual protection prayers before doing anything that might involve me leaving my body or experiencing spiritual phenomena.
Apparently I fell asleep, because at one point I found myself awake - fully conscious - and I was looking at something happening in front of me. It was like a "shadow show" in light projected in a big circle on the ceiling, with these beautiful patterns that ebbed and flowed and changed, almost like a kaleidoscope; some of it looked like calligraphy mixed in with what looked like some natural silhouettes of trees and snowflakes. This wasn't at all like imagining something or a dream; it was just like looking at something in a totally awake state. I remember thinking “What the heck am I looking at? Is that coming through the windows?” – Which is unlike a dream, where you can experience the craziest stuff and never even wonder about it – it all feels normal. I also thought that the angle of my body, on its side, was all wrong for me to be looking at something projected up on the ceiling, and besides the ceiling is a very colorful tile pattern that would show through.
I thought to myself that I was completely awake and conscious; I knew who I was, I knew I was in bed; I was aware of my position in the bed, but I began to doubt that my eyes were shut because what I was looking at was so clear and real. I gently attempted to open my eyes and realized that yes, they were shut. I realized I had to use the bathroom and as I slowly started to open my eyes, the visuals faded and I felt like I was coming up out of a deep, deep relaxation - it was almost like waking up except no change in consciousness or thought.
I got up, went to the bathroom, and went back to sleep. When I woke up I completely remembered the event as if it had actually happened. When I dream, I forget dreams very quickly. It in no way was like a dream; it was a perfectly real experience I had in a deep, relaxed state where I clearly saw something happening in front of me. That’s exactly what I’ve been wanting to happen to give me encouragement that these kind of experiences actually occur – that I’m on the right track, that I can actually do what I hope to be able to do – leave my body and visit Irene with fully conscious perceptual clarity.
Later I realized my mind was trying to downplay what had occurred, but the more I thought about it and validated it the more excited I got about it. I’m reworking my session schedule to include one Astral Projection exercise during the day and then adding the “falling asleep” astral projection method that worked last night.
I just realized I had actually already been practicing the falling asleep method when I started talking to Irene as I fell asleep, keeping myself conscious as long as I could, envisioning an interaction with her, until I fell asleep. It’s basically the same thing with some added intention techniques.
I had a good morning session after I worked quite a bit, then in the afternoon I did about a 45-minute Astral Projection “rope” technique where I got my body in what seems to me to be a fully relaxed state and it was easier and easier to imagine pulling myself out of my body with a rope hanging from above. I need to remember to just let my throat and mouth go dry when I do this which is the best way to get past any throat/mouth allergy discomfort. Anyway, my mind would start slipping off into dreamlike imagery and scenes but all the time I remained conscious and aware and returned to pulling myself up via the imagined rope. I felt like it was a really productive session and would come in handy for setting the intention and mental note to stay conscious as the body drifts off to sleep or to regain and maintain consciousness while sleeping and experiencing something.
The only problem with the daytime astral projection technique is that when I lie on my back I have what seems to be a constant nasal/throat issue where I'm always coughing or swallowing. I may have to start taking an antihistamine at some point just to be able to get some uninterrupted time for that particular kind of session.
July 19, 2017 Wednesday - Another Drawing & How We Met
So what I thought I'd do is share some stories about our life here, from time to time, that others might find interesting.
July 19, 2017 Wednesday - Another Drawing & How We Met
Busy day of running errands, visitors, phone calls, etc. Got in my full prayer session, 1 meditation and attempted astral travel when I went to bed. A quiet day overall, but I’m impressed with my ability to get through a day like this without a descent into grief, although I did have some sadness. Due to a conversation with a good friend who has been reading the blog I decided to go back and fill in the signs and messages that I have left out. I haven’t felt any real pull against it and he said he liked reading about them. He suffered the loss of a child a few years ago, and he and Irene were good friends and I know her passing hit him hard too.
Anyway, not filling in those events was just a precaution at the time because of something I read about those things supposedly being private, but I think they might do some good if others read about them.
During the day a couple of ministers came by and left some materials, and one remarked about the Thomas Kinkade puzzles we have on the wall in our living room. We talked about the cottages and I said something about how those cottages were a favorite of ours (my mind going back to the earlier realization that this house and those paintings remind us of our home in heaven.).
At the end of the day, when I reached to pick up her coffee cup, it had a drawing of a little cottage of light in it. You can see a little window in it - I've never seen that kind of a little detail in her drawings before:
It occurred to me that I could meditate and attempt to astral project for years and I might not have any more experiences. A gloomy thought, but it may be the case. If that is the way this turns out, it's going to be a very boring blog with nothing of much interest happening.
What many people even in our family may not know is how we met; a personal ad in a small thrift newspaper (the old-timer’s version of a dating site). She had placed an ad where she described the kind of man she wanted to meet, and it was pretty much a description of me to a “T”. At the time though I wasn’t that interested and I tossed the paper aside. I worked midnight shifts at a grocery store and was broke all the time due to paying child support to one of my ex-wives. I was also getting around on an old Triumph 650 Bonneville motorcycle that didn’t even use a battery. I didn’t know how I would even date someone if I wanted to.
A couple of weeks later I saw the paper again and remembered the ad, and decided that it couldn’t hurt to write her a letter because I liked how she wrote her ad. It interested me that it described me and it was also interesting that the paper was still there so I took it as kind of a sign. If she wasn’t interested because I was broke and had kids, eh, nothing lost. In those days the letter would go to the paper and then they would forward it to whomever took out the ad.
In her journal, which I have, she had prayed to God for a man that would be to her what she wanted and had never had. Then she had a dream of meeting a new boyfriend named “Bill”, and that day was when she got my letter. She liked the letter and wondered if I was going to be “the one” (because of her prayer and her dream), so she gave me a call. We decided to meet that night in a small town Dairy Queen parking lot about halfway between my location and hers – about a 30 minute drive. She showed up with her three cute children in tow and proceeded to tell me that she had just recovered from cancer; that she had had a double radical mastectomy; that she had three kids and she had no time to play games or mess around, so if any of that scared me off, it was best to just get it over with right off the bat and not waste her time.
I was hooked right off the bat – that was the most incredible thing I’d ever heard anyone say. I later wrote in my journal that I hadn’t even noticed what she looked like because I was so struck by her straightforwardness. After that I always said she had “balls of steel” because she had just blurted out all her business, good and bad, and didn’t care if it scared me off because she didn’t have time to waste.
She is the most amazing person I ever met.
Thursday, July 20, 2017 Irene Thwacks Me On The Head
I had to drive into town again this morning. I really dislike having my routine interrupted but we (Irene and I) had a fun trip in and back. Later I was reading in the Facebook Grief Support Group about “moving on” and “finding a friend with benefits” or another life-partner. I thought it would be funny to reply something like “Well, Irene would haunt and harass the heck out of anyone that tried to get their hands on her man, so that wouldn’t be a good idea for me.” I didn’t, but it reminded me that Irene always said she was possessive, not jealous – you can only be jealous of what you don’t already have, and she already had me. I joked with her that you’re not supposed to be possessive in heaven and immediately thought about her saying “You just try it.” We both had a big laugh.
That started this whole conversation I was going on with Irene about how ridiculous that would be – how miserable anything like another relationship would make me, how I’m extremely happy to be alone and to be able to do what I’m doing now without people thinking I'm crazy and without anyone interrupting my crazy dialogues with the dead.
Thursday, July 20, 2017 Irene Thwacks Me On The Head
I had to drive into town again this morning. I really dislike having my routine interrupted but we (Irene and I) had a fun trip in and back. Later I was reading in the Facebook Grief Support Group about “moving on” and “finding a friend with benefits” or another life-partner. I thought it would be funny to reply something like “Well, Irene would haunt and harass the heck out of anyone that tried to get their hands on her man, so that wouldn’t be a good idea for me.” I didn’t, but it reminded me that Irene always said she was possessive, not jealous – you can only be jealous of what you don’t already have, and she already had me. I joked with her that you’re not supposed to be possessive in heaven and immediately thought about her saying “You just try it.” We both had a big laugh.
That started this whole conversation I was going on with Irene about how ridiculous that would be – how miserable anything like another relationship would make me, how I’m extremely happy to be alone and to be able to do what I’m doing now without people thinking I'm crazy and without anyone interrupting my crazy dialogues with the dead.
For whatever reason this whole scenario popped in my head about my daughter-in-law telling me that some woman she works with was interested in me and that she was really, really good-looking, and I said “What possible difference does that make?” and then, to be funny and crack wise with Irene, I said “Is she Sophia Loren?” (I had a big crush on her when I was young & Irene knew about it and we joked about it now and then) I went on to joke: “Because I think Sophia Loren is the only person Irene might give me a hall pass on.” Literally the instant I said that I bumped my head on a low doorway and immediately knew that Irene had just playfully smacked me in the head – it didn’t hurt at all. It was hilarious. She would playfully thwack me on the head for saying smart-aleck, stupid things like that during our lives.
My friend whom I had talked to on the phone yesterday called and let me know that he got a clear sign today that helped him in grief. We had talked about some things I kind of take for granted and I don't think I've even written about in the blog, things that the books and materials I've been reading agree on - like how those who have passed can hear you, how you can make your thoughts known, where they are, what they may be doing and what they may be going through on the other side.
Something to remember is that, from the information I've gathered, it's hard for those on the other side to contact people here, because they have to lower their vibration and push into a harsher vibrational world. I've read where it's actually painful to them to do it. Also, they can feel our grief and pain; perhaps they could shut it out if they wanted, but most don't want to shut out a loved one. So in my opinion if we want a good relationship with the dead, we should do as much of the work on this side as we can. It's easier for us to go to them (from what I've read) via meditation and astral projection than for them to try to push into this world.
They are people in a world that has it's own set of physical laws - yes, they are bodies of a refined matter that has a much higher frequency than our own. They don't work by magic and they don't become God-like with the power to do anything they want. Also, many people have to recover or get acclimated once they cross over, depending on their physical and mental condition when they die.
We should also pray for them, do affirmations and send them our love - these are very real streams of energy that actually help. Of course, this is all in my humble opinion from what I've read and have understood, and from what little personal experience I have.
July 21, 2017 Friday - The Importance of Intention
I keep feeling like there's an electric body I'm trying to "give birth" to, like I'm trying to get out of my physical body. It's a pleasant but weird feeling.
I posted a new message in the Afterlife group where I referenced something I wrote on another blog last year - I'm going to quote here the relevant part:
July 21, 2017 Friday - The Importance of Intention
It's been a really busy day. I had to drive back into town to get some errands done. That and the unrelenting heat outside have frayed my attention and willpower today. I did my morning sessions and an afternoon astral projection session lying down where I took an antihistamine and it was good.
I keep feeling like there's an electric body I'm trying to "give birth" to, like I'm trying to get out of my physical body. It's a pleasant but weird feeling.
I posted a new message in the Afterlife group where I referenced something I wrote on another blog last year - I'm going to quote here the relevant part:
Each of us experience ourselves as a seat of consciousness with direct, top-down, intentional, prescriptive control (to varying degrees) over the behaviors of many elements of our bodies and thinking processes. We don’t know how to make various cellular or chemical reactions occur that are necessary for motion and thought. Somehow, without any technical or mechanical knowledge at all, with no understanding of how to initiate or control any of the various chemical and mechanical resources, simple intention can operate what is probably the most highly advanced and complex piece of equipment in the universe with amazing precision. Like a ghost inhabiting a doll out of a movie, our will alone can set physical forces in motion, control them, and stop them on command – no physics, chemistry or mechanical knowledge required whatsoever. It is precisely like magic.
Furthermore, our will can instantly access any of virtually countless memories without any understanding whatsoever of how the memory process works or how the data retrieval process works. We can simply intend to write or say something on a subject and gain immediate access to a seemingly never-ending stream of information corresponding to our intent. We can imagine things that do not even exist in the real world, our minds effortlessly rendering a massive virtual reality for us to experience as we daydream or sleep-dream. We cannot see this agency; we cannot explain how it can immediately differentiate from innumerable, variant intents to magically set billions of cellular processes and chemical interactions on a precise course to find memories, find or generate thoughtful, relevant information, or direct our body to precisely achieve a limitless variance of actions.
We experience this self-will as transcending mere physical causation from a higher order of existence, being able to direct the matter and energy of our bodies at will. We have power over our physical and mental nature exactly like a supernatural ghost in a machine, capable of the most wondrous and amazing feats of physical complexity, creativity and computation without any understanding of how any of it is physically initiated, maintained or controlled.
I've read where in the Astral Plane/Summerland, transportation can be done by thought - focus on a place or a person and in an instant you are there. So, I've incorporated this into my thought that I don't have to know how to astral project in the same way that I don't have to know what my physical body is or how I make it do what I want; it all works from intention - even your physical body is commanded by intention. You don't have to teach a baby about muscles and nerves or how to make cells convert food into energy. Intention is all it takes.
It may take a while and require a lot of learning that comes from trial and effort and failures, but that's how we learn any new skill.
I was able to throw more stuff out today without it getting to me. I'm turning one of the rooms into a "grandkids" room where they can watch TV, play games, play with toys, etc. Later Robert & Shanna came by for a visit and to put up my new TV for the living room, and they stayed until 10pm, and it was all good. No emotional letdown or sadness after they left.
July 22, 2017 Saturday - Well, Now The Blog Is All Caught Up
Good Morning!
The first was about imagination, where the spirits talk about imagination being the doorway to greater reality. It's the one thing we possess consciously that connects us to the substance of the next world. They then say they will hunt for a word that is more respectable since we all dismiss imagination as a frivolous and meaningless commodity when it comes to doing real things.
That is exactly what I've been doing in using the word envisioning. As I've written, there are different kinds of mental experience that cannot all be summed up as either "imaginary" or "real"; sometimes I have experiences that are much different than simply trying to construct something out of imagination - sometimes continuous imagery simply jumps into my mind's eye without effort. The book says that what we refer to as the imagination is the very tool we use to begin our journey. It's a sort of vehicle that can get you through the gate.
The next confirmation was that the path and journey into the next world is largely individual, and the book actually says "We cannot be helped by rigid regimes." One of the things I understood early on is to be careful in accepting things I read by others because their experience may not be suitable for me to work with or from, and recently I've given up trying to hold to a rigid schedule because it just sets me up for failure and disappointment. This book confirms that we must largely just experiment on our own. Spiritual books and instructions can point out landmarks and give general descriptions, but only the individual can plot their particular course through largely because that world is much more integrated with and empowered by consciousness. I have to go with what feels right and empowering to me without trying to over-intellectualizing it.
That brings us to the third confirmation that the intellect is really something that simply needs to be largely set aside at this point. I am doing it with an open mind and heart and simply allowing experiences to occur without trying to break them down into something I can understand on this side. Accept the experiences and be open to more. If the intellect is good for anything, it is in recognizing its limitations and restricting itself a more reserved role in this endeavor. Let the substance of the other world in to transform and inform me on its terms, not on mine. You can't bring what's outside the box into terms with what is inside the box. The only way to go outside the box is on the terms of whatever is outside the box.
The fourth confirmation was something Betty said: "I just work hard, and then find I am raised up somehow to a superstate, and am in touch with something I did not have before." That matches my recent perspective about just doing my work and then being satisfied with that and open to whatever changes or experiences that effort brings. It also goes along with my two astral vision events where I simply program myself to be open to having those experiences after I fall asleep - or anytime, really. I do the work of intention and affirmation; I do the work of imagining and envisioning. I meditate and clear my mind and relax. I let the rest just happen whenever and wherever and however it occurs without expectations.
Another confirmation the book provided in those few page was about meditation. Part of my meditation is simply about clearing the mind and relaxing - focusing on my breathing and settling in to a relaxed state, imagining white light from above "curing" me ("curing" being a process that changes a thing from one state to a different desired state) calming the intellect down. That's also been in my prayers of late - to remove my mental confusion and clear my mind of everything that isn't helping me.
So, all that said, I find it very interesting that this has gone on throughout my life - where I think of things and they are confirmed by outside sources. Irene and I had a running joke about how she and I would talk about metaphysical things, and then a few months or a year later she would read it back to me from whatever book she happened to be reading or tapes she was listening to - Lobsang Rampa or Abraham or whatever. Here lately I've been thinking things about the way it seems to me the afterlife should be - like with the capacity for perfect memory re-experience of your life here, or like it being more like Earth in many respects - solid, with bodies and virtually all physical capacities; or like your departed loved ones staying nearby to help and then greet you when you pass, etc., only for those thoughts to be almost immediately validated from some source or multiple sources.
Lately, for instance, I've been feeling a great resistance in my mind about the idea of "spiritual advancement" - as if existence was some sort of game where you gain levels to finally get to the level where the big "boss" is. I have no desire to do that - to gain spiritual levels just for the sake of "moving up". It's why I could never really get into Sant Mat. My mind also rebels at the thought of coming to this world to learn "spiritual"things - like how to have greater empathy or how to love unconditionally, etc. I'm not saying other people don't do exactly that, nor am I criticizing it - I'm just saying that's not me. I don't really care about getting greater empathy (good grief I've got too much as it is) or even about being able to "love unconditionally".
Honestly, I think I'm a good enough person and I just want to enjoy eternity with my wife, family and friends. That's it. I don't require great adventures or advancing to great spiritual levels or uncovering and understanding cosmic truths in order to deeply and thoroughly enjoy existence - I found that state here on Earth with my wife, family and home doing ordinary things. It was completely, deeply and thoroughly satisfying and fulfilling. We were basically living in heaven on Earth until she passed, and that was even with her battling cancer for almost three years. It was only the issues that inevitably come from being in this particular world that ever caused problems in our magical happy place.
And then, boom! That sort of contented experience without the idea of spiritual advancement or seeking further "enlightenment" between soul-mates was validated by someone in the Zammit group, saying that just such a couple had come to their group session for the purpose of telling them that kind of contented, ongoing enjoyment of experience is available and valid.
There's more I want to say on this, but I've already written a novel here. I'll pick it up later.
I was able to throw more stuff out today without it getting to me. I'm turning one of the rooms into a "grandkids" room where they can watch TV, play games, play with toys, etc. Later Robert & Shanna came by for a visit and to put up my new TV for the living room, and they stayed until 10pm, and it was all good. No emotional letdown or sadness after they left.
July 22, 2017 Saturday - Well, Now The Blog Is All Caught Up
Good Morning!
The blog is all caught up now. From now on no back-dating - it's all in real time, so there may be several posts a day as I get time to write. This will serve as my ongoing journal.
This morning I did my usual routine of prayer and meditation, but frankly the meditation wasn't very deep - not near as deep as it has been. I feel like my schedule has been kind of messed up lately and I've been knocked out of my pattern. The good news is that I'm handling it really well. A few weeks ago I would have been a mess and would have felt awful. More and more each day I'm feeling "normal". Even when something hits me and I start crying, I know it will stop and I'll feel fine again. It doesn't mean I don't miss Irene or love her as much, it just means we're finding that confident balance in our new relationship where I'm not always needing her to prop me up or assure me. I don't want to be that guy.
July 22, 2017 Saturday - I Miss Us
Irene,
There are times when I get pretty sad. Now is one of those times - I'm sure you know. I think what makes me the most sad is that I miss "us" - the two of us together, who we are together, who we are to other people when we are together. I know we are still together, but I miss others interacting with you. You always have a way of making pleasant conversation, making smart-aleck comments, laughing and saying what other people try to stop themselves from saying. I miss holding your hand and sitting beside you. I miss doing things for you, like opening the door of the car or getting you a drink or buying you something silly or fun when we go to a store. I miss our little glances and and knowing grins. I miss your voice so much.
I'm doing all I can, baby, to find my way to you, to bring us closer. Every day, it's my mission in life to be able to see you, feel you, and hear you. For the most part, I'm good and getting better, but never doubt that being with you again is the most important thing in the world to me.
I love you always, and hopefully I will see you soon,
Bill
July 23, 2017 Sunday - Joyful Longing
I had a couple of really good, deep meditations last evening after I took an antihistamine. I've never really noticed, or rather I've put up with, very minor allergy symptoms, but as I've been meditating lately those symptoms have become really distracting. I noticed quite a difference last night, especially when I was lying down doing the astral projection technique which I got through without any drainage or a constant need to swallow.
Even without any major experiences, I believe the meditation has helped me tremendously. After I wrote last night's blog entry - a letter to Irene - I meditated first in a sitting position on the couch for about 30 minutes, then in bed for however long it took me to fall asleep. Meditation gives me a sense of peace and connection. There are times during the day that I feel the need to meditate and after doing so I feel very much at peace. It's also gotten easier physically - my feet and legs don't go numb as quickly and I stay very comfortable the whole time.
I still have the sensations of trying to leave my body, but I realized I was having another kind of experience I want to write up here.
Much of the time when I envision Irene it feels like I'm just imagining her and while I enjoy that, there are other times when she just kind of pops into my head looking a certain way, in a certain environment, with a certain outfit on and I have big emotional reaction to it - an enormous smile pops on my face and my heart starts racing as if I'm actually seeing her - I experience a sensation of joy that doesn't come at other times when I imagine her. I'm thinking the joyful experiences actually have something of hers in them - some effort on her part to reach me and I can sense it via my clairsentience. In any event, that's what I'm going to consciously chalk it up to - that when I have those kinds of experiences, it's her coming through with imagery she's sending to my mind.
Yesterday afternoon Robert & Shanna took me out to the movies, and afterward we went to eat and I was really surprised to find that the Mexican restaurant there served several vegetarian dishes. In this small town area in Texas, "vegetarian" isn't usually on the menu. Not that I'm a vegetarian, but I do try to keep my eating really light to aid in my meditation and raising of my vibration. It was really good and I've never even seen that little cafe and shop area before - it looked and felt like a tiny bit of the San Antonio Riverwalk. It was a great evening, but it left me longing for a healthy, physical Irene by my side, which led me to write that letter last night.
The sadness last night didn't last long. I wrote Irene a card and sent it to her although I imagine she was watching me write it. As soon as I started meditating I felt whole and connected again. There are certain thought patterns that are simply not helpful for me to pursue and Irene reminds me constantly when I start going down those paths. Remembering certain things and longing for them is a minefield for those who have lost loved ones. It's better to long for future interactions with them - that's a good intention and one that is filled with expectancy and joy, not sorrow and grief. It's like when Irene and I first met and lived quite a distance apart - I longed, with happy anticipation, to see her again. That's a good longing.
This morning I feel great and I have a full day of work and meditation ahead of me, and to cap it off Robert & Shanna are coming over to cook dinner and watch Game of Thrones!
July 23, 2017 Sunday - The Relentless Onslaught of the Physical World
One of the things about posting to this blog live is that I'm going to be posting a lot of stuff that occurs to me as it happens, instead of waiting until a later even brings it into focus and then writing about what happened before.
I was just in the kitchen cooking some food and having a conversation with my spirit team about how hard it is, in a physical life, to really incorporate the spiritual and make it an integral part of our lives when most of our experience of the spiritual cannot even remotely compete with the ongoing, relentless onslaught of physical experience and concerns. It's incredibly easy to get distracted by the physical and to get so caught up in it that you might go years without giving the spiritual anything more than a cursory thought.
The effort towards integrating spirit into our lives is difficult. I have it better than most simply because I live alone and work from home so I can set my own schedule and talk freely to the other side all day long. Even with all that working for me, it's still difficult to focus because the habit is there to pay attention to what you can readily and easily see, hear and touch. I've totally given up playing video games (which used to be something I did every day) and watch very, very little television compared to when Irene was alive. If I'm not working, enjoying time with the family, eating or sleeping, I spend virtually every remaining second meditating, attempting to astral project, talking to spirit or looking at afterlife material - books, videos, etc.
The point I was making to my spirit team is that for most people, unless they can actually visit and clearly interact with the astral world/Heaven/Summerland and loved ones/guides there on a regular basis, it's just not going to be able to compete with the great tide of physical responsibility and distraction. It's asking for a herculean effort on the part of most people to be more focused on the spiritual even under normal circumstances, let alone difficult ones.
July 24, 2017 Monday - Just When You Think You've Got It Licked
8:00 a.m.
So, after writing up this whole post about how I'm going to refine my technique and set up a schedule, I just did a visualization meditation where I visualize interacting with Irene and she let me know I'm overthinking it again. I'm always trying to fix things that aren't really broken, always trying to improve things that are really working just fine. Just let go of expectations and do what feels right.
3:00 pm.
I think the summer heat and humidity is really doing a number on me - it does every year. I am really messed up today. I've been battling fear and doubt and confusion all day long. I don't understand these emotions or where they come from. I'm thinking all sorts of things that have never even entered my mind before - negative and hurtful things. I've already meditated sitting and lying down several times just to try and get a handle on it. It's weird because it's nowhere near as hot today outside - I should be better off, not worse. I feel completely ungrounded and disconnected from everything.
7:35 pm.
That turned into an full blown day of grief. Fell apart a couple of times, had me on my knees praying, which gave me the strength to walk around the house praying out loud as if I was trying to remove the grief from the house. I mostly walked with my hand on my heart just repeating over and over:
Dear God please remove all fear and all doubt from our hearts, please grant me your grace and joy, please empower my connection to Irene and help us to see, hear and feel each other. Please free us from grief, guilt, regret, sorrow and pain; please drive out all evil, harmful and negative thoughts. Dear God please help me find my way to her; empower me and show me what to do, help me to feel her, to hear her, and to see her. I know she is there; I know she is here with me; I know that is our real life and that is our real home and we have an eternal existence as soul mates there. Please give me the confidence and strength and resolve I need to go forward.
Doing that seemed to greatly alleviate the grief and make me feel somewhat better. Which was good, because it was right after my second trip through the house, which put me in a manageable state, Robert came by and stayed a couple of hours. We watched some YouTube videos. It helped to take my mind off the bad day I was having for a while.
At some point during the day I had opened up her old journal in a desperate attempt to find something that would ease my chaotic, grief-stricken mind. The page I opened it up to was a beautiful page she wrote shortly after we met describing how much she already loved me and how she just wants to go off in her own little world and think about us. I found a handwritten letter tucked away in the journal I hadn't seen before that I had written to her where I told her that "love" wasn't even close to describing what I felt for her, that she was my "magic girl" that had unlocked and opened up parts of me I never wanted to risk again, and feelings I never knew anyone could have. I had given her that and a card that expressed very well what I felt and what she was to me. The letter I gave her on Jan 23, 1990, two weeks after we had met, and I had given her that card on the 24th. I put the letter in the card and then put both in the card's envelope, held it to my heart and sent it to Irene.
Also, the cardinals showed up at the feeders, both male and female but seperately. The female took a position where it looked like she was just gazing inside at me for very long stretches.
After Robert left, I meditated while I had Wheel of Fortune paused, and asked her for a sign - a noise or chirp or something - to show me she was there. I thought I heard a tiny little chirp, but it was very faint. I watched Wheel of Fortune, and felt somewhat comforted by the sense of her presence, and one of the puzzles was "Heartwarming Handwritten Letter"! She was telling me she got the letter and card I had sent earlier. That made me happier than I had been all day.
I have no explanation for what happened today. It was like I just became someone else who had no connection whatsoever to how I've been feeling the past couple of weeks. I was totally confused, frayed, panicky and lost. I'm still feeling nervous, but thankfully I'll be going to bed soon. The good thing is that all during the day I knew I had had better, really great days and that gave me something of an anchor to hold on to to get me through the day. I just don't know how people do it that get no relief from that kind of mind and heart-wrecking pain.
July 25, 2017 Tuesday - Overthinking Everything, Part 4
7:00 a.m.
I fell asleep last night talking to Irene. I love being in that dreamy state, still semi-conscious ... it lets me feel much more connected to her. We continued the conversation this morning and I realized I was placing far too big a burden on myself - as she always says, overthinking things.
During the course of our relationship here, I learned that things worked out best when I stopped myself from trying to figure things out and simply went forward with her intuitions and "knowing". Whether or not I believed something could happen, simply not getting in the way and not refusing to go along, not trying to talk her out of something, always worked out great. Eventually we got to the place where I could actively do my part in facilitating her intuitions and just trust what she felt.
For instance, I never thought we'd be able to buy a home, and certainly not this particular, ridiculously large older home with 11' ceilings. Yet, I went through all the motions and followed where events led and did everything put in front of me to do, and at some point we found ourselves in the totally surreal position of signing all the papers and having the keys placed in our hands. There was literally no way, in my logical, analytical mind, that we would ever own a home like this short of winning a small lottery. I didn't make enough money, or so my mind was telling me. Yet, there we were, and it felt so strange, like we had literally created our own world out of nothing but faith and love. We moved our bed and a couple of things to spend the night there and that night we could hardly sleep we were so in awe and so happy. All because Irene knew we were going to find a home like this, kept looking, and knew this was the one as soon as she saw it and had walked in - and us with no money for a down payment and surely not making enough money for a house like that.
And Irene was so very happy - she had dreamed of a house like this for years and years, telling me about those dreams and describing how the house she dreamed of had "secret rooms" - like our house has upstairs. It was the culmination of something she had longed for since before we met - a true love to complete her family and a big home in this small town we could all be in comfortably. All of it occurred through totally unplanned sequences of events embarked on through pure faith and love, a path she intuitively knew and understood.
So my point is that Irene has let me know - again - that I worry too much and I'm placing too much of a burden on myself, that these things happen in their own time as long as I'm not actively working to stop it from happening. As long as I am doing what is put in front of me to do, and as long as I'm praying and affirming and setting my intentions, things will unfold and occur according to whatever plan we had coming in here, and she will be with me every step of the way, helping me, prodding me, giving me signs, etc., until we can discuss these things in person. Plus, she has help over there, so I can stop putting everything on me as if everything depends on every little decision I make, like what particular astral projection technique I use, or if I'm doing everything possible in a day to stay in contact with Irene.
So I just walked the dogs and I very easily envisioned Irene with me the whole time - almost continuously. It was a very clear envisioning and at one point she came up close and I could clearly envision her face and eyes and my heart and breathing started to rush, as if she was there. Usually envisioning her requires effort on my part and it's really difficult to maintain. This was really easy, as if I was actually seeing and hearing her. I don't know what it was, but it was really good.
July 25, 2017 Tuesday - Worth It
A week or so ago I moved everything of any kind of value downstairs - so I could stop air-conditioning it - since I never have a reason to go up there anymore and none of the kids ever spend the night up there There's plenty of room downstairs. I moved the stereo into my office and set it up this morning so Irene and I could listen to her country oldies at noon. I turned it on to make sure everything worked and put it on her station to see if the remote worked while I sat at my desk.
I realized at some point I have no wish for her to be back in this world. I wouldn't wish that on anybody. She is no longer hampered by a failing body or the intrusive issues - physical and mental - that plague us all throughout our lives. She can do what she loves - taking care of her family - from a much better, more pure and beautiful vantage point now, where heartbreak and pain don't lurk around every corner.
I don't write any of this in sadness - not at all. I'm happy today. Today is a great day.
July 26, 2017 Wednesday - Breakthrough?
Yesterday was a really good day - especially considering the day I had before. I had really thought those kinds of grief attacks were a thing of the past. I know I've got grief in me - I can feel it in my heart and throat at certain times every day. It's not like I've been trying to suppress it; it just flashes for a second or two, then subsides.
Yesterday I had firmly in my mind what Irene said about overthinking everything, and assuming too much personal responsibility in trying to astral project and get to her. I stopped thinking that outcomes to my efforts were in my hands - that I could figure them out or even help or hinder them. All I'm supposed to do is what is in front of me to do, and whatever I've signed up for here will unfold. I set my intentions, say my affirmations and let it go, do what is in front of me and let go of everything else.
As yesterday progressed I continued praying/affirming walking around with my hands on my chest and praying out loud (much to the dogs' puzzlement) because it seemed to be really helpful the day before, and it felt right. It seemed to help with that sensation of chest & throat grief blockage. During the course of the day I would point out to my spirit team whenever I felt it and I would try to continue talking or thinking about whatever brought it up. It was scary because I didn't want to have a total grief breakdown again. As I worked to bring whatever it was on up and out, I would start breathing really hard - like panicky gasping - and I felt like I was exhaling the pain instead of experiencing it. Afterward I would be good - really good.
This happened several times yesterday - I'd catch that feeling, keep that thought in mind and talk through it, saying aloud whatever it was that would generate that momentary grief/panic feeling. Sometimes my voice would start breaking and I'd cry a little, but every time I hit that big-volume gasping in and out and then it would be gone. Sometimes I'd have to talk it through a couple of times, but it never delivered any real pain. Just relief when it was gone and I'd be able to talk about whatever that subject was without any negative sensation.
Each time, I felt lighter. Yesterday afternoon and evening one of the things I included in my household "walkabout" prayers and affirmations was that there was no use or value in this grief and pain. There was no reason for me to hold on to it; it didn't help anyone, and it was only blocking and inhibiting our progress. I affirmed that it was all right to let it go - for both of us. If there is anything Irene is holding onto - any regrets or guilt or pain, just let it go. None of it matters now and all it is doing is harm. I also pray to God to dispel it and free us of it. I don't expect it to all just magically disappear, but I feel like we're doing some good work to get rid of as much as we can to make things easier for us.
Yesterday also marked a rather dramatic change in how capable I am of envisioning Irene. Yesterday around 6 pm I sat down to do an envisioning session and for whatever reason I decided to simply focus on envisioning her hands - the look, the feel of her hands. It was really clear and honestly surprising how clearly I felt her hands in mine. I focused on that for several minutes and when I looked up I was almost startled at how clearly I saw Irene's face only a few inches from my own. She was wearing the dark eyeliner she used to wear when we first met, but she was staring straight into my eyes and I could see her eyes perfectly. Even now when I write this it makes my heart and breath race happily.
It was the most incredible envisioning of Irene I've ever experienced. At one point I leaned over to give her a kiss and realized that "I" was the me when we first met - I could see the brim of the black hat that I wore back then and had the long hair from back then. I didn't deliberately set about to envision anything but her hands, the rest just naturally occurred on its own.
I felt so peaceful and relaxed after that, and so connected to her. It was not a "real" experience, but it was way, way more than I've ever been able to visualize before. Later I walked the dogs and I was able to visualize Irene with me outside almost continuously. It almost made me lightheaded it felt so good.
Before going to bed I lay down to do an astral projection sessions, and about 20 minutes in, without me even thinking about it, an envisioned Irene just plopped down beside me, her hand on my chest, smiling at me. In my mind I said, "You're crashing my Astral Projection session" and she lay her head on my shoulder and replied "Mmm hm." in a playful hum. We just lay there for a time. The sensation of her hair, clothes and skin were really clear for an envisioning. I took her hand from my chest and she put her palm flat against mine and we held them there for a few seconds and this memory flooded back to me about how we would do that very thing when we first met - put our palms together and focus on the feeling of of our hand lightly brushing against each other. It was an electric sensation. I had forgotten all about it.
So this morning I'm wondering - was the blocked up pain and grief interfering with my ability to envision Irene all this time? Some part of me wouldn't let me experience that kind of total envisioning because it would trigger a grief breakdown? Did we get rid of enough of it to allow the greater envisioning experience to occur without triggering the sorrow and grief? It seems about right. I'm thinking this is why they say that you have to work through your grief before you'll be able to progress in contacting and meeting loved ones on the other side - some sort of automatic protection system keeps you insulated - whether you consciously want it to or not - from triggering what feel like life-threatening grief experiences.
July 27, 2017 Thursday - The Akashic Record, Setting Intentions and Breakthrough, Part 2
I spent 8 hours out of the house yesterday visiting family and friends in town. After getting home I spent some time going through what I'll call a spirit counseling session where I identify thoughts that are causing me pain and then talking through them with Irene and the rest of my spirit team, telling them what I'm experiencing and repeating over and over whatever it is that causes me pain.
I realized that I do have actual guilt that I feel when I don't spend every second of every day "being productive" in either working at my job or working on accessing Irene and the astral world. I identified that I feel like I'm letting her down when I'm not doing "everything humanly possible" to connect with her. Of course, that guilt is nonsense - Irene absolutely wanted me to do what I did yesterday. It was all perfectly set up for me to do and I felt entirely that it was what I should do. Still, I felt guilty later.
Working through the exercise of saying the string of words that made me feel the worst - "I feel like I'm letting you down, Irene" over and over while allowing my body to react with that fast, almost panicked hard breathing until I could say the words in a normal voice and without any physical effects has produced really good results the past couple of days. As I say the words over and over, I consciously accept that Irene doesn't feel that way at all; that I'm a human being still in the physical world and there is a plan in place for my presence here, and as long as I don't consciously try to mess it up everything will go according to the plan we made before we came here.
There's no need for me to beat myself up about anything.
There used to be an actual, physical pain in my heart for weeks now. I've been checking my blood pressure lately because of it. This morning that pain is gone, and saying the words that used to bring me great emotional distress and working through them with this exercise eliminates their affect me. It feels like I'm actually working through emotional blockages. Now, they may reoccur, but I think I've got a good skill here to deal with them as they pop up.
At my friend's house we watched an Ancient Aliens show about the Akashic Record, and then Ivori and Emanuel and I went to see "Valerian". I found them both to have very interesting messages that were very relevant to my situation. The Akashic Record, which I've heard about since much younger, is where a perfect record of all information about the universe and everything in it resides. So, "how to astral project" is there; one can tap into it and know how to astral project - have the skill, so to speak. In the movie Valerian, this very spiritual race of beings could learn things very quickly simply by setting their mind to it.
That's something I need to remind myself of - I'm not "figuring out" how to astral project any more than I "figured out" how to walk or do just about anything I am capable of doing; I set my mind to it, and my subconscious does all the grunt work for me. I have no idea how to activate cells or muscles or create energy in my body; all I have to do is will it, intend it, and my body carries out billions of functions utterly unknown to me. I don't have to know how to access the Akashic Record any more than I have to know how to access my own memory; I just will it, intend it, and it gets done. 90% of my job is to set the intentions that will bring to me all that I need to do what I want to do - if it is in the plan.
Another good message from Valerian was that love was the most powerful force in the universe and can do anything.
July 28, 2017 Friday - Raising My Vibration
Just after I posted yesterday's entry, I turn on the TV to watch something while I eat my yogurt and decide to go to YouTube. After I watch a political video, I notice a video on my home tab from from Ryan Cropper about "raising your vibration". I decide to play it and the first thing he talks about is removing emotional blockages to raise your vibrational level. Unbelievable confirmation. Exactly what I've been doing the past couple of days.
Yesterday and the day before I had very deep meditations. I did not want to come out of them they were so peaceful - like being in a womb.
My "spirit counseling" technique on how to deal with and get rid of grief and guilt triggers still seems to be working. My sense of panic or nervousness when my schedule gets interrupted and others are around has almost been non-existent lately - I had family over all afternoon and evening. I didn't have that gagging feeling yesterday, but I would think there are still emotional issues I need to deal with.
I am experiencing a kind of "disconnect", though, that I'll have to get more into later. I tried an astral travel guided meditation on YouTube. It was okay, but I get deeper than that on my own.
The rest of the day hasn't really gone very well. I have no idea what my problem is this evening, so I'm just trying to chill and say prayers and affirmations until I can hit the sack.
July 29, 2017 Saturday - NOTE TO SELF: Come Back And Remind Yourself Of These Things
Today is going really well. I'm feel pretty good and feel like I've got some things sorted out, which I want to list here to be able to look back on and read at later dates. When I woke up I started telling myself the following:
1. Irene is fine - strong, safe, perfectly healthy and actively helping us from the afterlife. We already won this life and we're halfway home now. She is with you constantly and working to help you. Have faith and trust in that.
2. Eventually, one way or another, you will be with her totally. Be patient and strong. You might be able to astral project and visit her before you die; you might not. Either way, it won't be that long.
3. The most important thing to do is to establish your intentions and empower them with affirmations. That is 99% of the work that needs to be done.
4. Pray every day - once in the morning, and then additionally as you feel so inclined.
5. Meditate as you feel inclined; you will feel inclined several times a day on your own. Do not force it; do not try to regulate it or schedule it; you'll be setting yourself up to feel bad, guilty, or like you're letting Irene down if you fail to meet some arbitrary schedule.
6. Don't try to do one kind of meditation per sitting - be completely open to wherever it leads you. You will receive information, encouragement and new experiences whenever you are supposed to, whenever your higher self and your spirit guides feel it is a good time; don't worry about it beyond that. If you don't have any special or new experiences it is not because you are not trying hard enough or because you don't know enough or because you are doing something wrong. Do not worry about it.
7. When you experience something of interest, good or bad, let Irene and your spirit team know. They cannot read all your thoughts nor can they see everything that is going on. Better too much information than not enough. They can't help if they don't know what is going on.
8. When you find an emotional blockage or source of pain, tell your spirit team and talk it out until it is gone and you can think of whatever is causing it, and talk about it out loud in a normal voice and without hurt feelings.
9. Just be patient and remember: you are doing plenty. PLENTY. Be satisfied with that and do your best to enjoy what existence brings your way in the future. Those on the other side are constantly working for your benefit. Do your job here and let them do theirs from the other side.
The above all feels really good and very on-target. It pretty much all came to me this morning and has stuck with me.
July 30, 2017 Sunday - Another Exciting Astral Vision Experience!
In my July 15 blog post, I talked about getting a confirmation that Irene and I were creative designers of clothes and outfits (among other things) in the afterlife. Yesterday, 2 weeks later, I saw an interesting link in my Facebook scroll about designing your own clothes and other items via an online shop called Vida. Now, I've put some of my graphic designs on t-shirts and tried to sell them through online shps like Cafe Press and Zazzle, but that was completely unfulfilling because of the small box area on the shirts they allow for the design. At Vida, you get to do the art design for the entire piece of clothing - exactly what I was envisioning a couple of weeks ago.
I set up a shop in a few minutes with a few designs I already had. It's amazing that now, shortly after it coming to me and it being confirmed, I actually have a shop online where I can do exactly what I had envisioned (albeit with a limited set of clothing pieces) without any expense to me whatsoever.
Last night I had another "astral vision" experience! I once again found myself fully conscious in bed and seeing something in front of me. It looked like someone had torn out a picture of the horizon just before sunset and had it in front of my line of sight with jagged edges. It was jittering around in m my sight in a weird way, but like before I was fully aware in an awake state.
I call this "astral vision" because one of the things I intend when I meditate is to be able to see with my astral vision while my eyes are shut. Normally when my eyes are shut I do see things in the blackness, but they are always visible because the are slightly less dark than the black that surrounds them and they are usually either outlines, patterns or moving blobs. Technically, I guess I should count being able to see even that much as "astral sight" - what else would I be seeing that stuff with? Those things seem less "real" because they are constantly moving and changing, I guess.
However, my first reported "astral sight" event was mostly black and white but very well lit up - the light area being white. Last night what I was seeing was in full color and was a landscape, so even though it was weirdly jittery, I count that as great progress. One of my intentions is to be able to have fully conscious astral sight and astral projection events just occur at night even if I fall asleep. It occurs to me that in the first event, the circle of light where the silhouettes were moving in and out was stationery but the images within the circle moving and changing; in this event, the full color image of the horizon did not change, but the jagged frame it was in was moving around in my sight.
It's as if someone on the other side is developing the system by which I can see what they want to show me.
July 31, 201Monday - A Morning Full Of Confirmations
I got up this morning and continued reading a book on my iPad called Across The Unknown by Stewart Edward White, who also wrote The Betty Book. While I've been reading The Betty Book recently, I just got the urge to read some more of this book. I've only read a handful of pages this morning yet the book has given me several important confirmations in the span of about 10 minutes of reading.This morning I did my usual routine of prayer and meditation, but frankly the meditation wasn't very deep - not near as deep as it has been. I feel like my schedule has been kind of messed up lately and I've been knocked out of my pattern. The good news is that I'm handling it really well. A few weeks ago I would have been a mess and would have felt awful. More and more each day I'm feeling "normal". Even when something hits me and I start crying, I know it will stop and I'll feel fine again. It doesn't mean I don't miss Irene or love her as much, it just means we're finding that confident balance in our new relationship where I'm not always needing her to prop me up or assure me. I don't want to be that guy.
July 22, 2017 Saturday - I Miss Us
Irene,
There are times when I get pretty sad. Now is one of those times - I'm sure you know. I think what makes me the most sad is that I miss "us" - the two of us together, who we are together, who we are to other people when we are together. I know we are still together, but I miss others interacting with you. You always have a way of making pleasant conversation, making smart-aleck comments, laughing and saying what other people try to stop themselves from saying. I miss holding your hand and sitting beside you. I miss doing things for you, like opening the door of the car or getting you a drink or buying you something silly or fun when we go to a store. I miss our little glances and and knowing grins. I miss your voice so much.
I'm doing all I can, baby, to find my way to you, to bring us closer. Every day, it's my mission in life to be able to see you, feel you, and hear you. For the most part, I'm good and getting better, but never doubt that being with you again is the most important thing in the world to me.
I love you always, and hopefully I will see you soon,
Bill
July 23, 2017 Sunday - Joyful Longing
I had a couple of really good, deep meditations last evening after I took an antihistamine. I've never really noticed, or rather I've put up with, very minor allergy symptoms, but as I've been meditating lately those symptoms have become really distracting. I noticed quite a difference last night, especially when I was lying down doing the astral projection technique which I got through without any drainage or a constant need to swallow.
Even without any major experiences, I believe the meditation has helped me tremendously. After I wrote last night's blog entry - a letter to Irene - I meditated first in a sitting position on the couch for about 30 minutes, then in bed for however long it took me to fall asleep. Meditation gives me a sense of peace and connection. There are times during the day that I feel the need to meditate and after doing so I feel very much at peace. It's also gotten easier physically - my feet and legs don't go numb as quickly and I stay very comfortable the whole time.
I still have the sensations of trying to leave my body, but I realized I was having another kind of experience I want to write up here.
Much of the time when I envision Irene it feels like I'm just imagining her and while I enjoy that, there are other times when she just kind of pops into my head looking a certain way, in a certain environment, with a certain outfit on and I have big emotional reaction to it - an enormous smile pops on my face and my heart starts racing as if I'm actually seeing her - I experience a sensation of joy that doesn't come at other times when I imagine her. I'm thinking the joyful experiences actually have something of hers in them - some effort on her part to reach me and I can sense it via my clairsentience. In any event, that's what I'm going to consciously chalk it up to - that when I have those kinds of experiences, it's her coming through with imagery she's sending to my mind.
Yesterday afternoon Robert & Shanna took me out to the movies, and afterward we went to eat and I was really surprised to find that the Mexican restaurant there served several vegetarian dishes. In this small town area in Texas, "vegetarian" isn't usually on the menu. Not that I'm a vegetarian, but I do try to keep my eating really light to aid in my meditation and raising of my vibration. It was really good and I've never even seen that little cafe and shop area before - it looked and felt like a tiny bit of the San Antonio Riverwalk. It was a great evening, but it left me longing for a healthy, physical Irene by my side, which led me to write that letter last night.
The sadness last night didn't last long. I wrote Irene a card and sent it to her although I imagine she was watching me write it. As soon as I started meditating I felt whole and connected again. There are certain thought patterns that are simply not helpful for me to pursue and Irene reminds me constantly when I start going down those paths. Remembering certain things and longing for them is a minefield for those who have lost loved ones. It's better to long for future interactions with them - that's a good intention and one that is filled with expectancy and joy, not sorrow and grief. It's like when Irene and I first met and lived quite a distance apart - I longed, with happy anticipation, to see her again. That's a good longing.
This morning I feel great and I have a full day of work and meditation ahead of me, and to cap it off Robert & Shanna are coming over to cook dinner and watch Game of Thrones!
July 23, 2017 Sunday - The Relentless Onslaught of the Physical World
One of the things about posting to this blog live is that I'm going to be posting a lot of stuff that occurs to me as it happens, instead of waiting until a later even brings it into focus and then writing about what happened before.
I was just in the kitchen cooking some food and having a conversation with my spirit team about how hard it is, in a physical life, to really incorporate the spiritual and make it an integral part of our lives when most of our experience of the spiritual cannot even remotely compete with the ongoing, relentless onslaught of physical experience and concerns. It's incredibly easy to get distracted by the physical and to get so caught up in it that you might go years without giving the spiritual anything more than a cursory thought.
The effort towards integrating spirit into our lives is difficult. I have it better than most simply because I live alone and work from home so I can set my own schedule and talk freely to the other side all day long. Even with all that working for me, it's still difficult to focus because the habit is there to pay attention to what you can readily and easily see, hear and touch. I've totally given up playing video games (which used to be something I did every day) and watch very, very little television compared to when Irene was alive. If I'm not working, enjoying time with the family, eating or sleeping, I spend virtually every remaining second meditating, attempting to astral project, talking to spirit or looking at afterlife material - books, videos, etc.
The point I was making to my spirit team is that for most people, unless they can actually visit and clearly interact with the astral world/Heaven/Summerland and loved ones/guides there on a regular basis, it's just not going to be able to compete with the great tide of physical responsibility and distraction. It's asking for a herculean effort on the part of most people to be more focused on the spiritual even under normal circumstances, let alone difficult ones.
July 24, 2017 Monday - Just When You Think You've Got It Licked
8:00 a.m.
So, after writing up this whole post about how I'm going to refine my technique and set up a schedule, I just did a visualization meditation where I visualize interacting with Irene and she let me know I'm overthinking it again. I'm always trying to fix things that aren't really broken, always trying to improve things that are really working just fine. Just let go of expectations and do what feels right.
3:00 pm.
I think the summer heat and humidity is really doing a number on me - it does every year. I am really messed up today. I've been battling fear and doubt and confusion all day long. I don't understand these emotions or where they come from. I'm thinking all sorts of things that have never even entered my mind before - negative and hurtful things. I've already meditated sitting and lying down several times just to try and get a handle on it. It's weird because it's nowhere near as hot today outside - I should be better off, not worse. I feel completely ungrounded and disconnected from everything.
7:35 pm.
That turned into an full blown day of grief. Fell apart a couple of times, had me on my knees praying, which gave me the strength to walk around the house praying out loud as if I was trying to remove the grief from the house. I mostly walked with my hand on my heart just repeating over and over:
Dear God please remove all fear and all doubt from our hearts, please grant me your grace and joy, please empower my connection to Irene and help us to see, hear and feel each other. Please free us from grief, guilt, regret, sorrow and pain; please drive out all evil, harmful and negative thoughts. Dear God please help me find my way to her; empower me and show me what to do, help me to feel her, to hear her, and to see her. I know she is there; I know she is here with me; I know that is our real life and that is our real home and we have an eternal existence as soul mates there. Please give me the confidence and strength and resolve I need to go forward.
Doing that seemed to greatly alleviate the grief and make me feel somewhat better. Which was good, because it was right after my second trip through the house, which put me in a manageable state, Robert came by and stayed a couple of hours. We watched some YouTube videos. It helped to take my mind off the bad day I was having for a while.
At some point during the day I had opened up her old journal in a desperate attempt to find something that would ease my chaotic, grief-stricken mind. The page I opened it up to was a beautiful page she wrote shortly after we met describing how much she already loved me and how she just wants to go off in her own little world and think about us. I found a handwritten letter tucked away in the journal I hadn't seen before that I had written to her where I told her that "love" wasn't even close to describing what I felt for her, that she was my "magic girl" that had unlocked and opened up parts of me I never wanted to risk again, and feelings I never knew anyone could have. I had given her that and a card that expressed very well what I felt and what she was to me. The letter I gave her on Jan 23, 1990, two weeks after we had met, and I had given her that card on the 24th. I put the letter in the card and then put both in the card's envelope, held it to my heart and sent it to Irene.
Also, the cardinals showed up at the feeders, both male and female but seperately. The female took a position where it looked like she was just gazing inside at me for very long stretches.
After Robert left, I meditated while I had Wheel of Fortune paused, and asked her for a sign - a noise or chirp or something - to show me she was there. I thought I heard a tiny little chirp, but it was very faint. I watched Wheel of Fortune, and felt somewhat comforted by the sense of her presence, and one of the puzzles was "Heartwarming Handwritten Letter"! She was telling me she got the letter and card I had sent earlier. That made me happier than I had been all day.
I have no explanation for what happened today. It was like I just became someone else who had no connection whatsoever to how I've been feeling the past couple of weeks. I was totally confused, frayed, panicky and lost. I'm still feeling nervous, but thankfully I'll be going to bed soon. The good thing is that all during the day I knew I had had better, really great days and that gave me something of an anchor to hold on to to get me through the day. I just don't know how people do it that get no relief from that kind of mind and heart-wrecking pain.
July 25, 2017 Tuesday - Overthinking Everything, Part 4
7:00 a.m.
I fell asleep last night talking to Irene. I love being in that dreamy state, still semi-conscious ... it lets me feel much more connected to her. We continued the conversation this morning and I realized I was placing far too big a burden on myself - as she always says, overthinking things.
During the course of our relationship here, I learned that things worked out best when I stopped myself from trying to figure things out and simply went forward with her intuitions and "knowing". Whether or not I believed something could happen, simply not getting in the way and not refusing to go along, not trying to talk her out of something, always worked out great. Eventually we got to the place where I could actively do my part in facilitating her intuitions and just trust what she felt.
For instance, I never thought we'd be able to buy a home, and certainly not this particular, ridiculously large older home with 11' ceilings. Yet, I went through all the motions and followed where events led and did everything put in front of me to do, and at some point we found ourselves in the totally surreal position of signing all the papers and having the keys placed in our hands. There was literally no way, in my logical, analytical mind, that we would ever own a home like this short of winning a small lottery. I didn't make enough money, or so my mind was telling me. Yet, there we were, and it felt so strange, like we had literally created our own world out of nothing but faith and love. We moved our bed and a couple of things to spend the night there and that night we could hardly sleep we were so in awe and so happy. All because Irene knew we were going to find a home like this, kept looking, and knew this was the one as soon as she saw it and had walked in - and us with no money for a down payment and surely not making enough money for a house like that.
And Irene was so very happy - she had dreamed of a house like this for years and years, telling me about those dreams and describing how the house she dreamed of had "secret rooms" - like our house has upstairs. It was the culmination of something she had longed for since before we met - a true love to complete her family and a big home in this small town we could all be in comfortably. All of it occurred through totally unplanned sequences of events embarked on through pure faith and love, a path she intuitively knew and understood.
So my point is that Irene has let me know - again - that I worry too much and I'm placing too much of a burden on myself, that these things happen in their own time as long as I'm not actively working to stop it from happening. As long as I am doing what is put in front of me to do, and as long as I'm praying and affirming and setting my intentions, things will unfold and occur according to whatever plan we had coming in here, and she will be with me every step of the way, helping me, prodding me, giving me signs, etc., until we can discuss these things in person. Plus, she has help over there, so I can stop putting everything on me as if everything depends on every little decision I make, like what particular astral projection technique I use, or if I'm doing everything possible in a day to stay in contact with Irene.
So I just walked the dogs and I very easily envisioned Irene with me the whole time - almost continuously. It was a very clear envisioning and at one point she came up close and I could clearly envision her face and eyes and my heart and breathing started to rush, as if she was there. Usually envisioning her requires effort on my part and it's really difficult to maintain. This was really easy, as if I was actually seeing and hearing her. I don't know what it was, but it was really good.
July 25, 2017 Tuesday - Worth It
A week or so ago I moved everything of any kind of value downstairs - so I could stop air-conditioning it - since I never have a reason to go up there anymore and none of the kids ever spend the night up there There's plenty of room downstairs. I moved the stereo into my office and set it up this morning so Irene and I could listen to her country oldies at noon. I turned it on to make sure everything worked and put it on her station to see if the remote worked while I sat at my desk.
After I got everything working I asked Irene to play the next song, and it was one I never heard before by Kane Brown, "What Ifs", and the chorus lyrics jumped all over me: "What if I was made for you and you were made for me, what if this is it, what if it's meant to be..." Irene always told me that God made me just for her and that we were meant to be - she said that exactly, so many times I can't count. She even wrote it down in her journal after we met. I can always tell when Irene is showing me or telling me something because my heart and breathing start racing like a wild horse and I burst into happy, grateful tears. That's the second time today.
When I first met her she had a hard and scarred outer layer, the result of enduring one battle after another, one disappointment after another, hardship built up on hardship. When we met, we both set aside our armor and together we uncovered our better natures, our inner innocence, our sense of wonder, magic and love. We are exactly what each other needs. That's the nature of soul mates like us - we supply what the other is missing, like a two-piece puzzle.
But the world never stops delivering it's steady drumbeat of challenge, pain, and problems.Over the years we met and beat every challenge, no matter how deep the wounds, high the price or steep the challenge. Nobody, however, lives forever.
I willingly suffer the burden of not having her here physically with me for the time being, to keep her free from enduring any more of the gashes and wounds this world has in endless supply. That alone is worth the price I pay. She endured enough!
Now she's my angel, standing beside me, comforting and protecting me, and nothing can ever harm her again. Ever. That's worth any pain I feel for the time I have left here.
Now she's my angel, standing beside me, comforting and protecting me, and nothing can ever harm her again. Ever. That's worth any pain I feel for the time I have left here.
I can't wait to see you again - in a world where pain, suffering, problems and death cannot interfere with the perfect love we have together or the incredible light that shines from your amazing heart through your beautiful eyes.
July 26, 2017 Wednesday - Breakthrough?
Yesterday was a really good day - especially considering the day I had before. I had really thought those kinds of grief attacks were a thing of the past. I know I've got grief in me - I can feel it in my heart and throat at certain times every day. It's not like I've been trying to suppress it; it just flashes for a second or two, then subsides.
Yesterday I had firmly in my mind what Irene said about overthinking everything, and assuming too much personal responsibility in trying to astral project and get to her. I stopped thinking that outcomes to my efforts were in my hands - that I could figure them out or even help or hinder them. All I'm supposed to do is what is in front of me to do, and whatever I've signed up for here will unfold. I set my intentions, say my affirmations and let it go, do what is in front of me and let go of everything else.
As yesterday progressed I continued praying/affirming walking around with my hands on my chest and praying out loud (much to the dogs' puzzlement) because it seemed to be really helpful the day before, and it felt right. It seemed to help with that sensation of chest & throat grief blockage. During the course of the day I would point out to my spirit team whenever I felt it and I would try to continue talking or thinking about whatever brought it up. It was scary because I didn't want to have a total grief breakdown again. As I worked to bring whatever it was on up and out, I would start breathing really hard - like panicky gasping - and I felt like I was exhaling the pain instead of experiencing it. Afterward I would be good - really good.
This happened several times yesterday - I'd catch that feeling, keep that thought in mind and talk through it, saying aloud whatever it was that would generate that momentary grief/panic feeling. Sometimes my voice would start breaking and I'd cry a little, but every time I hit that big-volume gasping in and out and then it would be gone. Sometimes I'd have to talk it through a couple of times, but it never delivered any real pain. Just relief when it was gone and I'd be able to talk about whatever that subject was without any negative sensation.
Each time, I felt lighter. Yesterday afternoon and evening one of the things I included in my household "walkabout" prayers and affirmations was that there was no use or value in this grief and pain. There was no reason for me to hold on to it; it didn't help anyone, and it was only blocking and inhibiting our progress. I affirmed that it was all right to let it go - for both of us. If there is anything Irene is holding onto - any regrets or guilt or pain, just let it go. None of it matters now and all it is doing is harm. I also pray to God to dispel it and free us of it. I don't expect it to all just magically disappear, but I feel like we're doing some good work to get rid of as much as we can to make things easier for us.
Yesterday also marked a rather dramatic change in how capable I am of envisioning Irene. Yesterday around 6 pm I sat down to do an envisioning session and for whatever reason I decided to simply focus on envisioning her hands - the look, the feel of her hands. It was really clear and honestly surprising how clearly I felt her hands in mine. I focused on that for several minutes and when I looked up I was almost startled at how clearly I saw Irene's face only a few inches from my own. She was wearing the dark eyeliner she used to wear when we first met, but she was staring straight into my eyes and I could see her eyes perfectly. Even now when I write this it makes my heart and breath race happily.
It was the most incredible envisioning of Irene I've ever experienced. At one point I leaned over to give her a kiss and realized that "I" was the me when we first met - I could see the brim of the black hat that I wore back then and had the long hair from back then. I didn't deliberately set about to envision anything but her hands, the rest just naturally occurred on its own.
I felt so peaceful and relaxed after that, and so connected to her. It was not a "real" experience, but it was way, way more than I've ever been able to visualize before. Later I walked the dogs and I was able to visualize Irene with me outside almost continuously. It almost made me lightheaded it felt so good.
Before going to bed I lay down to do an astral projection sessions, and about 20 minutes in, without me even thinking about it, an envisioned Irene just plopped down beside me, her hand on my chest, smiling at me. In my mind I said, "You're crashing my Astral Projection session" and she lay her head on my shoulder and replied "Mmm hm." in a playful hum. We just lay there for a time. The sensation of her hair, clothes and skin were really clear for an envisioning. I took her hand from my chest and she put her palm flat against mine and we held them there for a few seconds and this memory flooded back to me about how we would do that very thing when we first met - put our palms together and focus on the feeling of of our hand lightly brushing against each other. It was an electric sensation. I had forgotten all about it.
So this morning I'm wondering - was the blocked up pain and grief interfering with my ability to envision Irene all this time? Some part of me wouldn't let me experience that kind of total envisioning because it would trigger a grief breakdown? Did we get rid of enough of it to allow the greater envisioning experience to occur without triggering the sorrow and grief? It seems about right. I'm thinking this is why they say that you have to work through your grief before you'll be able to progress in contacting and meeting loved ones on the other side - some sort of automatic protection system keeps you insulated - whether you consciously want it to or not - from triggering what feel like life-threatening grief experiences.
July 27, 2017 Thursday - The Akashic Record, Setting Intentions and Breakthrough, Part 2
I spent 8 hours out of the house yesterday visiting family and friends in town. After getting home I spent some time going through what I'll call a spirit counseling session where I identify thoughts that are causing me pain and then talking through them with Irene and the rest of my spirit team, telling them what I'm experiencing and repeating over and over whatever it is that causes me pain.
I realized that I do have actual guilt that I feel when I don't spend every second of every day "being productive" in either working at my job or working on accessing Irene and the astral world. I identified that I feel like I'm letting her down when I'm not doing "everything humanly possible" to connect with her. Of course, that guilt is nonsense - Irene absolutely wanted me to do what I did yesterday. It was all perfectly set up for me to do and I felt entirely that it was what I should do. Still, I felt guilty later.
Working through the exercise of saying the string of words that made me feel the worst - "I feel like I'm letting you down, Irene" over and over while allowing my body to react with that fast, almost panicked hard breathing until I could say the words in a normal voice and without any physical effects has produced really good results the past couple of days. As I say the words over and over, I consciously accept that Irene doesn't feel that way at all; that I'm a human being still in the physical world and there is a plan in place for my presence here, and as long as I don't consciously try to mess it up everything will go according to the plan we made before we came here.
There's no need for me to beat myself up about anything.
There used to be an actual, physical pain in my heart for weeks now. I've been checking my blood pressure lately because of it. This morning that pain is gone, and saying the words that used to bring me great emotional distress and working through them with this exercise eliminates their affect me. It feels like I'm actually working through emotional blockages. Now, they may reoccur, but I think I've got a good skill here to deal with them as they pop up.
At my friend's house we watched an Ancient Aliens show about the Akashic Record, and then Ivori and Emanuel and I went to see "Valerian". I found them both to have very interesting messages that were very relevant to my situation. The Akashic Record, which I've heard about since much younger, is where a perfect record of all information about the universe and everything in it resides. So, "how to astral project" is there; one can tap into it and know how to astral project - have the skill, so to speak. In the movie Valerian, this very spiritual race of beings could learn things very quickly simply by setting their mind to it.
That's something I need to remind myself of - I'm not "figuring out" how to astral project any more than I "figured out" how to walk or do just about anything I am capable of doing; I set my mind to it, and my subconscious does all the grunt work for me. I have no idea how to activate cells or muscles or create energy in my body; all I have to do is will it, intend it, and my body carries out billions of functions utterly unknown to me. I don't have to know how to access the Akashic Record any more than I have to know how to access my own memory; I just will it, intend it, and it gets done. 90% of my job is to set the intentions that will bring to me all that I need to do what I want to do - if it is in the plan.
Another good message from Valerian was that love was the most powerful force in the universe and can do anything.
July 28, 2017 Friday - Raising My Vibration
Just after I posted yesterday's entry, I turn on the TV to watch something while I eat my yogurt and decide to go to YouTube. After I watch a political video, I notice a video on my home tab from from Ryan Cropper about "raising your vibration". I decide to play it and the first thing he talks about is removing emotional blockages to raise your vibrational level. Unbelievable confirmation. Exactly what I've been doing the past couple of days.
Yesterday and the day before I had very deep meditations. I did not want to come out of them they were so peaceful - like being in a womb.
My "spirit counseling" technique on how to deal with and get rid of grief and guilt triggers still seems to be working. My sense of panic or nervousness when my schedule gets interrupted and others are around has almost been non-existent lately - I had family over all afternoon and evening. I didn't have that gagging feeling yesterday, but I would think there are still emotional issues I need to deal with.
I am experiencing a kind of "disconnect", though, that I'll have to get more into later. I tried an astral travel guided meditation on YouTube. It was okay, but I get deeper than that on my own.
The rest of the day hasn't really gone very well. I have no idea what my problem is this evening, so I'm just trying to chill and say prayers and affirmations until I can hit the sack.
July 29, 2017 Saturday - NOTE TO SELF: Come Back And Remind Yourself Of These Things
Today is going really well. I'm feel pretty good and feel like I've got some things sorted out, which I want to list here to be able to look back on and read at later dates. When I woke up I started telling myself the following:
1. Irene is fine - strong, safe, perfectly healthy and actively helping us from the afterlife. We already won this life and we're halfway home now. She is with you constantly and working to help you. Have faith and trust in that.
2. Eventually, one way or another, you will be with her totally. Be patient and strong. You might be able to astral project and visit her before you die; you might not. Either way, it won't be that long.
3. The most important thing to do is to establish your intentions and empower them with affirmations. That is 99% of the work that needs to be done.
4. Pray every day - once in the morning, and then additionally as you feel so inclined.
5. Meditate as you feel inclined; you will feel inclined several times a day on your own. Do not force it; do not try to regulate it or schedule it; you'll be setting yourself up to feel bad, guilty, or like you're letting Irene down if you fail to meet some arbitrary schedule.
6. Don't try to do one kind of meditation per sitting - be completely open to wherever it leads you. You will receive information, encouragement and new experiences whenever you are supposed to, whenever your higher self and your spirit guides feel it is a good time; don't worry about it beyond that. If you don't have any special or new experiences it is not because you are not trying hard enough or because you don't know enough or because you are doing something wrong. Do not worry about it.
7. When you experience something of interest, good or bad, let Irene and your spirit team know. They cannot read all your thoughts nor can they see everything that is going on. Better too much information than not enough. They can't help if they don't know what is going on.
8. When you find an emotional blockage or source of pain, tell your spirit team and talk it out until it is gone and you can think of whatever is causing it, and talk about it out loud in a normal voice and without hurt feelings.
9. Just be patient and remember: you are doing plenty. PLENTY. Be satisfied with that and do your best to enjoy what existence brings your way in the future. Those on the other side are constantly working for your benefit. Do your job here and let them do theirs from the other side.
The above all feels really good and very on-target. It pretty much all came to me this morning and has stuck with me.
July 30, 2017 Sunday - Another Exciting Astral Vision Experience!
In my July 15 blog post, I talked about getting a confirmation that Irene and I were creative designers of clothes and outfits (among other things) in the afterlife. Yesterday, 2 weeks later, I saw an interesting link in my Facebook scroll about designing your own clothes and other items via an online shop called Vida. Now, I've put some of my graphic designs on t-shirts and tried to sell them through online shps like Cafe Press and Zazzle, but that was completely unfulfilling because of the small box area on the shirts they allow for the design. At Vida, you get to do the art design for the entire piece of clothing - exactly what I was envisioning a couple of weeks ago.
I set up a shop in a few minutes with a few designs I already had. It's amazing that now, shortly after it coming to me and it being confirmed, I actually have a shop online where I can do exactly what I had envisioned (albeit with a limited set of clothing pieces) without any expense to me whatsoever.
Last night I had another "astral vision" experience! I once again found myself fully conscious in bed and seeing something in front of me. It looked like someone had torn out a picture of the horizon just before sunset and had it in front of my line of sight with jagged edges. It was jittering around in m my sight in a weird way, but like before I was fully aware in an awake state.
I call this "astral vision" because one of the things I intend when I meditate is to be able to see with my astral vision while my eyes are shut. Normally when my eyes are shut I do see things in the blackness, but they are always visible because the are slightly less dark than the black that surrounds them and they are usually either outlines, patterns or moving blobs. Technically, I guess I should count being able to see even that much as "astral sight" - what else would I be seeing that stuff with? Those things seem less "real" because they are constantly moving and changing, I guess.
However, my first reported "astral sight" event was mostly black and white but very well lit up - the light area being white. Last night what I was seeing was in full color and was a landscape, so even though it was weirdly jittery, I count that as great progress. One of my intentions is to be able to have fully conscious astral sight and astral projection events just occur at night even if I fall asleep. It occurs to me that in the first event, the circle of light where the silhouettes were moving in and out was stationery but the images within the circle moving and changing; in this event, the full color image of the horizon did not change, but the jagged frame it was in was moving around in my sight.
It's as if someone on the other side is developing the system by which I can see what they want to show me.
July 31, 201Monday - A Morning Full Of Confirmations
The first was about imagination, where the spirits talk about imagination being the doorway to greater reality. It's the one thing we possess consciously that connects us to the substance of the next world. They then say they will hunt for a word that is more respectable since we all dismiss imagination as a frivolous and meaningless commodity when it comes to doing real things.
That is exactly what I've been doing in using the word envisioning. As I've written, there are different kinds of mental experience that cannot all be summed up as either "imaginary" or "real"; sometimes I have experiences that are much different than simply trying to construct something out of imagination - sometimes continuous imagery simply jumps into my mind's eye without effort. The book says that what we refer to as the imagination is the very tool we use to begin our journey. It's a sort of vehicle that can get you through the gate.
The next confirmation was that the path and journey into the next world is largely individual, and the book actually says "We cannot be helped by rigid regimes." One of the things I understood early on is to be careful in accepting things I read by others because their experience may not be suitable for me to work with or from, and recently I've given up trying to hold to a rigid schedule because it just sets me up for failure and disappointment. This book confirms that we must largely just experiment on our own. Spiritual books and instructions can point out landmarks and give general descriptions, but only the individual can plot their particular course through largely because that world is much more integrated with and empowered by consciousness. I have to go with what feels right and empowering to me without trying to over-intellectualizing it.
That brings us to the third confirmation that the intellect is really something that simply needs to be largely set aside at this point. I am doing it with an open mind and heart and simply allowing experiences to occur without trying to break them down into something I can understand on this side. Accept the experiences and be open to more. If the intellect is good for anything, it is in recognizing its limitations and restricting itself a more reserved role in this endeavor. Let the substance of the other world in to transform and inform me on its terms, not on mine. You can't bring what's outside the box into terms with what is inside the box. The only way to go outside the box is on the terms of whatever is outside the box.
The fourth confirmation was something Betty said: "I just work hard, and then find I am raised up somehow to a superstate, and am in touch with something I did not have before." That matches my recent perspective about just doing my work and then being satisfied with that and open to whatever changes or experiences that effort brings. It also goes along with my two astral vision events where I simply program myself to be open to having those experiences after I fall asleep - or anytime, really. I do the work of intention and affirmation; I do the work of imagining and envisioning. I meditate and clear my mind and relax. I let the rest just happen whenever and wherever and however it occurs without expectations.
Another confirmation the book provided in those few page was about meditation. Part of my meditation is simply about clearing the mind and relaxing - focusing on my breathing and settling in to a relaxed state, imagining white light from above "curing" me ("curing" being a process that changes a thing from one state to a different desired state) calming the intellect down. That's also been in my prayers of late - to remove my mental confusion and clear my mind of everything that isn't helping me.
So, all that said, I find it very interesting that this has gone on throughout my life - where I think of things and they are confirmed by outside sources. Irene and I had a running joke about how she and I would talk about metaphysical things, and then a few months or a year later she would read it back to me from whatever book she happened to be reading or tapes she was listening to - Lobsang Rampa or Abraham or whatever. Here lately I've been thinking things about the way it seems to me the afterlife should be - like with the capacity for perfect memory re-experience of your life here, or like it being more like Earth in many respects - solid, with bodies and virtually all physical capacities; or like your departed loved ones staying nearby to help and then greet you when you pass, etc., only for those thoughts to be almost immediately validated from some source or multiple sources.
Lately, for instance, I've been feeling a great resistance in my mind about the idea of "spiritual advancement" - as if existence was some sort of game where you gain levels to finally get to the level where the big "boss" is. I have no desire to do that - to gain spiritual levels just for the sake of "moving up". It's why I could never really get into Sant Mat. My mind also rebels at the thought of coming to this world to learn "spiritual"things - like how to have greater empathy or how to love unconditionally, etc. I'm not saying other people don't do exactly that, nor am I criticizing it - I'm just saying that's not me. I don't really care about getting greater empathy (good grief I've got too much as it is) or even about being able to "love unconditionally".
Honestly, I think I'm a good enough person and I just want to enjoy eternity with my wife, family and friends. That's it. I don't require great adventures or advancing to great spiritual levels or uncovering and understanding cosmic truths in order to deeply and thoroughly enjoy existence - I found that state here on Earth with my wife, family and home doing ordinary things. It was completely, deeply and thoroughly satisfying and fulfilling. We were basically living in heaven on Earth until she passed, and that was even with her battling cancer for almost three years. It was only the issues that inevitably come from being in this particular world that ever caused problems in our magical happy place.
And then, boom! That sort of contented experience without the idea of spiritual advancement or seeking further "enlightenment" between soul-mates was validated by someone in the Zammit group, saying that just such a couple had come to their group session for the purpose of telling them that kind of contented, ongoing enjoyment of experience is available and valid.
There's more I want to say on this, but I've already written a novel here. I'll pick it up later.
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