2. Bog Posts: May 2017

May 2, 2017 Tuesday - Days of Agony

I've felt so  miserable the past few days.  I'm so sick of being in pain.  It's like having a bad stomach virus where every few minutes you throw up uncontrollably, even after everything you have in you is long gone - only, you're not throwing up, you're sobbing so loud and pitifully the main thing you're grateful for is that nobody is around to hear this disgusting racket. I am so sick of myself.  I feel like I can't breathe - I've had to sleep practically sitting up even after taking an antihistamine.  I'm in a complete panic.  I don't even remember if anyone came over or called the past few days.  I sit and do work at the computer with tears rolling down my face whimpering like a beat dog. 

Decided this morning not to put up with this sense of loss, pain, self-pity.  Fat lot of good it did me.  This grief doesn't care about anything I do or think.  It’s irrational and in charge – I know Irene is fine, that she’s with me, that she will always be with me, that we are eternal, but it doesn't stop the crashing waves of an ocean of emptiness and despair from crushing me against the rocks, drowning my broken, pathetic self in fear, doubt, sorrow and regret.   Knowing none of it is real doesn't mean anything, I still feel it all.  I feel like a total failure, like everything that matters is gone and somehow I blew it all and will never get it back or see anything like it again.

I can't believe she died.  She was the center.  How is the universe going on without her in it?  This is so bizarre. This must be what drug addicts going through withdrawal feel like.  It feels like I'm going through some kind of withdrawal that is beating me up both physically and mentally.  I get so exhausted from this at times I just fall asleep.

I choose to go forward with our new relationship in joy, strength, and calm.  The pain doesn't care.  The grief takes all my best thoughts and efforts and laughs, filling my head with thoughts and feelings and sensations that are so bad and so dark and so foreign it's like I'm schizophrenic.  There's no escape from it.  It devours every good thought I try to think.  Shouting out tearful prayer as if I could drown out the pain or push it back by sheer will, begging God for relief, lessens it for a few minutes and then it comes roaring back.  I feel like I'm going to throw up. Why can't I just die? It feels like something is slowly ripping my heart and brain apart at the same time.

I read back over my journal entries. Was I really that happy a few days ago?  This pain tries to tell me that it was all a lie, that I was in denial or shock and this is the true reality.  I know that can't be true. I felt great just a few days ago.  Surely I can get back to that at some point.

She and I have been through some very painful stuff and have made it to the other side by relying on our faith and trust in each other and in God. That's all I've got to cling to - at this point, all of that is nothing but words.  Words that somewhere, in some place outside of the hell I'm in now, actually mean something. God I wish I could die of a heart attack right now.  I'm ashamed of myself - I feel like I'm letting her down, like I'm causing her pain because she sees what I'm going through.  What a weak, pathetic loser.  Good grief, Irene went through far, far worse with so much grace and beauty.  She's so amazing. She deserves better than a miserable crying wretch like this thing I've become.

I'm trying (for the hundredth time) to talk myself out of it.  I mean, what’s the worst of it? I cannot see her most of the time, cannot hear her like I used to?  That used to be the case when she would go to Palestine or when she visited Colorado.  She and I are now in two slightly different places that makes direct contact very difficult. So? She doesn’t have cancer. She’s feeling great. Our strength together is even better now with her on the other side, completely healthy and energized.  She’s already shown how much she can do from over there. I’m not going to be a weak link – I’m going to be a source of power and love for her to rely on.  I’m going to develop habits of thought, memes, and physical habits and create reminders for me to be able to stay on a positive, energetic path.  I'm going to try to figure out how to get past all this and work towards our goal.


Later.  I think I've exhausted my supply of pain for the time being.  I started doing some meditation on the bed and its helping with my conceptualization of Irene & myself in our current situation. It calms me down and gives a sensation of being grounded with her. I’ve been through irrational issues like this in the past – sometimes you just have to hold on until they pass, find mental techniques to get you by.  Just get through one day at a time until enough time passes. I used to meditate all the time when I was younger.  I need to start doing it again. Prayer, meditation, love and faith.


May 3, 2017 Wednesday - Irene's Garden Pyramid

At some point over the past few days I must have decided to get Ivori to do some gardening.  She’s really been excited about remaking Irene’s pyramid-shaped flower garden in the front yard.  I started outlining a new spot and today farther out in front and she went to buy some flower and gardening stuff for it before she came out.  Irene loves gardening and just didn't have the energy or strength to do it the past few years.  I have this idea forming as to what I want to do in the yard and in the house, kind of move it towards our vision of what we wanted it to be.  It occurs to me to try and get a new roof put on the house - something Irene always wanted to see happen.  It's a miracle we haven't had a problem with the current roof.  It's pretty bad.

Ivori was really excited when she found all the gardening stuff on sale and on clearance and texted me pictures. I told her that was another special thing about Irene – every time I went to the store to buy her stuff I always found it on clearance or on sale.  I texted her that Irene doesn’t like people spending a lot of money on her and it makes her happy if people can get stuff cheap, and that it was Irene giving her blessing to the pyramid plan.

Ivori said this old man started talking to her out of the blue about how Ivori knew what she was doing, that you never pay full price for plants or garden stuff, wait until it’s on clearance – exactly Irene’s philosophy. I told her that must have been Irene talking to her.  After Ivori started working on it I started feeling like Irene was really happy about us remaking her pyramid as a project. I envisioned her there in the sun with us.

Irene is a true nature child - she loved being outdoors, barefoot and with her hands in the dirt, pulling weeds or planting flowers.  She must be so happy now - youthful, healthy, vibrant, free to garden, dance, play or just lay out in the golden light I've read bathes everything in the afterlife.  Or, if she's here, able to now be outside with us without being short of breath or hurting. I'm so happy for her.

The grief appears to have subsided for the day.  I'm thinking more normally.  That's such a bizarre experience.  It really is like I just became someone else and was experiencing their pain and thoughts and an entirely different psychology and outlook.


May 4, 2017 Thursday - Validating Departed Family

I had a very good day today.  Mike called me around 2 a.m. and we had a good talk and I told him to call me anytime, night or day.  Slept late after that, got up about 6:30, felt good, felt great all day.  Irene was here and we were in a "normalized" mode most of the day.  Able to say more direct things without getting choked up.  Sent a card to Helen (Irene's stepmother) and took one to Texas Oncology along with some snacks (they have free snacks for everyone getting chemo treatment, so I bought a few boxes of individually wrapped snacks), got pretty choked up about all that, but it wasn’t grief.  It was emotional but more empathetic sadness than my own because I knew how much the all loved Irene there.  Picked up 400 lbs of dirt for the pyramid that Ivori has been working on. She’s dedicating herself to doing the whole yard.

Something that occurred to me is that if I believe that Irene is in the next world actively working to help, surely I have other there also working to help us, like her dad, step-dad, mom and the son she lost many ,many years ago before we even met and my mother, father and brother.  I’ve been inviting and welcoming all departed family on the other side to come and visit and stay here if they want. I think it is important to thank them for their help and recognize them. Irene used to be the one to do all of that - to include those who have gone before us in her prayers and thoughts.  I realize I need to start doing the same, let them know how much I appreciate any comfort and help they are providing.

Later I used her truck to run errands – I could feel Irene next to me, she loves for us to go out and about in that truck.  I tell her that her dream came true (she dreamed of having a man named Bill before we met, and in the dream we were standing by an old black truck).  I was so happy and my heart was full – I knew she was there, happy, healthy, vibrant, exuding pleasure and happiness. It’s great. I can't express how different I feel today compared to just a few days ago.  It's like it's not even the same life and I'm not living in the same world as the me a few days ago.

My heart is actually full, joyful, and complete at times like this with zero pain or longing because I actually feel like she is right here with me, that she will always be with me and there is absolutely nothing to worry about or feel sad about.  It's like something just magically took all of that pain and grief away today and replaced it with beauty, joy, love, fun, and happiness.  I'm making cracks about our situation and really laughing about it with her.  In my mind she says things that make me laugh - she loved making smart-ass comments and quips and we have a banter we get into at times making each other laugh and teasing each other about silly things.

It doesn't feel like I'm doing this to fool myself or lie to myself; it feels like this is what is happening. It feels like she is actually there and putting these thoughts and images in my head and participating in the interaction. 

Before I went to sleep I found some more notes and cards she has given me over the years in the bottom drawer of her dresser. Love it. We made it through the hardest, most painful, hurtful situations … we stuck it out with each other and made it to years and years of blissful, absolute love, cherishing each other and our family, home and life.  And that’s not an "after the fact" rewriting of history – I never thought such a love story was possible to live out.

Before I met Irene, I thought such love was basically a fiction used to sell movies and books. I was certain it wasn't real and that nobody really felt that way about each other, much less lived out a life in that kind of love.  I'm so, so grateful to have been proven wrong, regardless of what pain I must endure to have it.


May 5, 2017 Friday - Surreal Happiness & Focus

Woke up at 2 a.m., time to take my antibiotic, stayed up and started talking to Dad, Mom, Reed, Karl, Jamie, Donnie, Lynette and Corey (as well as Irene).  I’ve invited them all to hang out at the house with us and watch all the TV they want. I’m honesty astonished at how much love I feel in my heart and how that “connection” sensation is now affecting me now that I’ve better articulated what it is in my own mind – it’s a sense of ecstasy, as if all of the beautiful emotions a human is capable of was in one sensation – like the white light before it is broken down into individual colors.  It’s mind blowing how happy I am right now.  It seems surreal when compared to a few days ago.  Have I become bipolar?

I realized that there was a huge burden that was lifted from me that I hadn’t really realized was there – my worry and hurt about Irene suffering and being in a situation where she couldn’t do almost anything she wanted to do.  How joyful it makes me that she no longer has to endure that failing body and its limitations and pain, and she no longer has to fight through her panic and fear about not being able to breathe, and not worry about her shoulder pain. I am so happy for her!!!!!

Robert and Mike from across the street put the new green storm door in.  It look so great, works great, it’s totally awesome. 

I’m starting to understand something.  To set this up, let me contextualize a bit. First, when I used to practice lucid dreaming (a means of realizing when you're in a dream when asleep) , it was hard to hold on to the knowledge that you were lucid dreaming once you figured it out. Something could distract you in the dream and then all of a sudden you’re back in regular dream mode, doing whatever the dream tells you to do, acting however the dream dictates and feeling however the dream dictates. 

Second, when I used to meditate years ago, I remember feeling disconnected from the world as my attention would be focused on the spiritual via a mantra or prayer, mindful breathing and visualization.  I could go days where the world seemed only semi-real and I felt more spiritual, centered and calm regardless of what was going on. Then, something would happen in the world and I’d get involved, and the next thing I know I hadn’t meditated in weeks and it was like coming up for air after diving in and forgetting I was in the water.  This experience matched many spiritual and religious teachings on the nature of the physical world in relationship to the spiritual.

This world (although quite real) is like a dream compared to the spiritual, and our physical body and some of our psychology is more like a dream avatar.  If you do not keep your focus on the spiritual, you can be swept up in the flow of the dream, forgetting who you are, forgetting vital information and important knowledge, doing whatever the dream dictates, even becoming someone other than who you are. In dreams you can become many different people in a sequence of changing events and be totally carried away by the events and sensations of the dream.

Intellectually, we may know there is a greater spiritual realm where all of this pain and suffering and drama is not experienced, but unless we focus on that knowledge and begin "lucid" living, we will continue to be swept away in this world. Being swept up in the dream may be fine for in many instances because the dream is not so bad and even quite enjoyable; but when the dream is taking you towards a nightmare it's important to keep in mind that it isn't the final reality, that in the end you will wake up.  Being able to have this kind of "lucid" living focus can take the edge off of difficult situations and ease the suffering.

I’m starting to see this because I notice that when I interact with people or do job work or yard work, it’s easy to slip into the standard dream identity where I’m feeling pain and hurt as if Irene is “gone”, even though I know she is not. It feels as if I’m fulfilling a role that the current physical "dream" expects or is the standard pattern.  I start worrying that I’m losing my ability to “lucid dream” in this life and stay aware that Irene hasn’t gone anywhere, that she’s with me, that we are soul-mates and will always be with each other.  Staying aware that the “waking world” exists and that I don’t have to worry about these dream events or how things appear here is key to moving forward - keeping the mind focused as much as possible on what I know is real and not on what the physical world tries to convince me is real.  There is far more to our existence than the physical.


May 6, 2017 Saturday - The Prayer

There are things I need to do to better prepare and condition myself for "lucid living" and developing a better connection to the spiritual in my quest to manifest a "transdimensional" relationship with Irene.  This is why spiritual doctrines use mantras, diet, physical meditating poses and breathing exercises – to find and develop our connection and relationship with the spiritual world, and to habitualize that process into a lifestyle pattern.  I think a lot of it boils down to intention and manifestation; the exercises/habits promote the intention, which in turn helps manifest results into reality. I think a lot of it is also just the grace of God. 

I've started to look for more information, videos, books, etc. on the afterlife, prayer, meditation, the spiritual aspects of existence - which is saying a lot, since I've always been interested in such things and have always found such information fascinating and have tried to apply it to my life.  However, I find myself now strongly motivated in a very particular way and so what was before a more general spiritual leaning is now much more specific and the materials I look for are about maintaining relationships with departed loved ones. I also have begun collecting information about what various sources claim/report about what life in the spiritual realm is like.

Ivori & Emanuel came out and did a few hours of work on the pyramid and other parts of the yard.  We decided to turn the yard into a fairy garden with lights and ornaments and plants, fire pit and other stuff.  I feel like I'm being moved towards doing some things to the house and yard to make this home an appealing and happy place for my friends and family on the other side to stay or visit.

After doing both a gratitude and a request prayer, I meditate in the classic lotus pose, focusing my mind on a central point. I begin by asking for protection from evil or negative influences and by stating my intention that I seek to put my body on temporary "stand-by" and open my spiritual sense to experience Irene in perfect, "hyper-real" clarity (what Near Death Experiencers report as being the nature of heavenly visits).  

When I meditate, I use the following phrases as my "mantra", or prayer, that I repeat over and over while focusing on a single point of consciousness to move my awareness away from my body and its physical senses to the spiritual senses:

I love you so much, Irene, and I know you love me.  We are soul mates. We will always be together. We are happy.  We are joyful. We are fulfilled and whole.  I experience you, sense you and know you are here with me at all times. We are completely connected.  Our experience of each other gets better and more clear every day.  This is a very special time in our relationship.  We are strong for each other.  We are focused for each other.  We live every day in each other's heart and mind.  

This prayer acts as both a means of focusing my consciousness like a mantra and as an ongoing affirmation to condition my thoughts towards a more positive and healthy experience during the rest of my life here in this world.




May 7, 2017 Sunday - The Pink Tiger-Lily

I had a very nice, long conversation with Irene last night.  Found a natural, comfortable position in bed without kneeling or trying to be all meditational or yoga-ish and just started talking as if we were having a normal conversation, told her some things about us and our life that I thought she might not know. I feel completely intimate with her now – like there’s absolutely nothing I want to keep from her at all.  We always were able to talk about anything, but there are always things you think are better left unsaid at times.  We can talk about ANYTHING now, no little things that are best kept hidden or silent.  I feel like none of that matters to her either – we’re beyond any little white lies or personal spaces.  It’s amazing how freeing this feels and how close it makes me feel to her. 

Also, I don't want every conversation I have with her to be so heavy and "me" centric. She and I would have the most amazing conversations about all kinds of things, but mostly about God, the universe, spirituality, spirits, getting over personal issues, psychology, etc.  That's what I want for us going forward. I so want to get over all the conversation being about me coping with with this transition.

There's a pink tiger-lily in the kitchen that has been here since the celebration.  It's the only flower other than a couple of small carnations that has survived this long - all the other tiger-lilies have died. This one still looks perfect.

A second lamp has burned out in my office.  Not bulbs - the second lamp to stop working altogether. I think this is Irene’s way of telling me it’s time to move my office to the front room.  I felt like Irene thinks it is urgent for me to move, so I worked my butt off to move my office to the front room where she had her craft projects and boxes of things she kept for future use.  Ivori and long-time significant other Trey came out to see if they could break down the workout station but decided it wouldn’t fit.  They stayed a while, Ivori did some yard work on the pyramid.  After they left I finished getting the functional parts of my work station in place in the front room but couldn’t get the internet, so Ivori and Trey came out (again!) and he got me up and running.

After they left I basically just broke down and started sobbing.  I think I had worked too much, gotten too wore out, hadn’t been able to talk to Irene as much as I like, and then seeing the change of emptying my old office and transforming Irene’s room felt like I was destroying a connection to her - a part of the way things were before she died. I basically cried myself to sleep.


May 8, 2017  Monday - The Picture of the Pyramid

This morning I fully understand why Irene wanted me to move my office to the front room ASAP.  She didn’t want to spend her time in that tiny, dark, dirty room that used to be my office, and didn’t want me to either.  It's far too depressing now.  She wanted me up front with her so she could enjoy the sun, the view from the big bay windows into the front yard and street out front, and the great clean and cool atmosphere. I feel very close to her now when I work and I can see outside and get up and do stuff to our garden area when I want to walk around some.   I feel so much better today.  I’m going to be able to look at her pictures and I’m going to keep her papasan chair where I can look over and see her and talk to her while I work.  Plus it’s so much easier for her to look over my shoulder while I write! There's plenty of space behind me and my chair.

I found some more old pictures and there’s a picture of Emanuel when he was maybe 2 years old  and he’s in the front yard here, sitting on a bench.  In the background to the left is the original pyramid Irene made with 2 levels. It looks like she had just made the bottom 2 levels and gotten her flowers planted in it and was in the process of going on to the 3rd tier because all the additional wall stones were leaning against the base of the tree that used to be in the  front yard up near the house.  I know Irene showed me this as a way of expressing her pleasure because yesterday Emanuel carried the stump of that tree over to  where I wanted it by the swing, and Ivori finished the first tier of the new pyramid. It was a picture from about 13 years before that was, in all aspects, directly tied to what had happened yesterday.


May 9, 2017 Tuesday - Another Crash

I crashed hard yesterday evening after Ivori left. She came out to finish off the 2nd level of the pyramid.  I sobbed and sank and felt overwhelming grief, loss and pain.  I ended up praying aloud to god for strength, comfort, relief and love to get through. I ended up so drained and exhausted I barely made it into bed before I fell asleep around 8:30. I think I fell asleep praying.

Woke up feeling better, but I sat down in a chair with a chair beside me and talked to Irene aloud and began praying aloud. I sounded like an old school Baptist preacher I think.  I'm grateful I'm alone here and this house is big with solid walls so no one can hear the crazy old man inside.

The Sears guys came by and gave me an estimate on roofing and siding.  During the presentation I saw this super-healthy looking female cardinal, just a hyper-prime example of female cardinal, fly down and start eating at our bird feeders just outside the window.  I’ve never seen a female cardinal that big or robust – it just seemed to exude health and power.  I felt it was Irene showing me what her condition was now and showing up for the presentation.  Irene always, always wanted us to get a new roof.  We were supposed to start looking into it this year, and it was something I wanted to make sure and get done for her and for the house if I could.

Robert showed up near the end of their presentation.  Robert stayed and we talked about pots and then started talking about Irene and our feelings and the troubles we have dealing with her absence.  

Praying to god while talking with and being with Irene seems to be working. My prayers go something like this: 

“Dear God, grant us the peace, the strength, the comfort and the grace we need to stay strong and keep our hearts and minds free from pain, suffering, grief, doubt and fear.  I know Irene is here with me.  I know she is now completely healthy, happy and free from the pain, suffering and fear she had while her body as failing her.  Please give me the grace, knowledge and understanding necessary to see her, hear her, feel her, and know without doubt or fear that she is right here comforting us and looking out for us.  Dear God, let us go forward continuing our loving relationship with joy and peace in our hearts knowing that we always be together even through obstacles and challenges, because we are soul-mates and our bond of love is the very thing this universe was created for.”

By the end of it I felt so much better.  I realized that psychologically and emotionally, physiologically I’m reacting  as if Irene is gone.  Like being addicted to a powerful, wonderful drug for 27 years and then going cold turkey.  While intellectually and spiritually I know Irene and I are still together, that she is good and I am good, that we planned this before we even came here and this is the best way to do things, that we are soul mates and our love is eternal, my body and psychology are reacting irrationally and according to their own processes which at times I simply cannot override.

The forceful, loud praying while talking with Irene seems to be a good method of dealing with this problem for now.

Or so it seemed.  Now there's no control over it. I don't even want to write down how much pain I'm in because it's just going to hurt everyone who reads this.  What I don't get is that I'm feeling this even though I have hope, even though I had two weeks of feeling very positive and joyful, even though I have a firm belief in the afterlife and that she is always right here with me.  I'm feeling this misery as if I didn't have any of that - as if this is all hopeless and as if none of that is true.  It's like none of that means anything when the beast of physical and psychological withdrawal comes for you.  There's no escape - no prayer stops it today, no yelling, no breathing exercises. It's relentless. I keep feeling like I'm gagging.  I fall asleep propped up in bed because my panic is so bad I feel like I can't catch my breath.


May 10, 2017  Wednesday - The Magic Flower Commercial

This is starting off to be a very bad day, prayed to have the evil or darkness that was making me doubt and fear thrown out, driven  out, prayed for God to work with Irene and I to succeed in our adventure of continuing our relationship after her passing. There is this infection of doubt and fear that it seems I can't drive out and despair is setting in again – I can't find any relief.

Robert had said someone woke him up yesterday morning. He heard a voice say his name and when he got up Shanna was still asleep. 

The physical/emotional/psychological aspect of this is just like being sick.  I can feel a 15 second sobbing spurt coming on just like I can feel nausea just before I throw up.. It even feels much like I’m throwing up.  I can feel pain and doubt in me like disease.

To find relief I started watching Long Island Medium, one of Irene’s favorite shows, to get my mind on a more positive track.  When I started it this time it it was on a girl with breathing problems, on oxygen like Irene, getting a reading.  The messages from the other side were spot on for me and Irene.  One was that the girl’s sister was helping her get through life from heaven, and that she could hear her whenever she spoke, and was there for the events in her life.  Then Teresa asks, “How do you connect to the month of April?” as if she was talking to me.  Irene passed on April 11.  The big healthy female cardinal showed up at the bird feeder just outside my window.  It was very comforting but what was to follow was amazing.

I have continued to noticed that the only surviving flower from the celebration is this pink lily. Yes, it's still alive and looks perfect. There were several other pink lilies but all the others died several days before while this one looks as good as new.  After Teresa was finished with that girl with the breathing issue, commercials followed and for whatever reason I didn’t skip through them. With Dish and The Hopper you can skip forward 30 seconds or back 10 seconds.

As I was kind of half-watching the commercials, it dawned on me that the commercial I was watching had started with what I thought was the exact same flower as the one in the kitchen -  a pink tiger-lily. It didn’t register at first and the commercial played through a few seconds and I realized what I thought I saw and wanted to check to see if it was the same flower, so I skipped back 10 seconds and was on the prior commercial.  I waited for the flower commercial to start but instead an entirely different commercial about back pain started up after that first one!

I thought maybe I had hit the wrong button so I backed up some and watched the first commercial (a fashion commercial) through again and when it ended, the flower commercial started up.  I was totally confused. I backed it up and played it through again and once again the flower commercial had disappeared and the back pain commercial followed the first one!  I did this several times to try and figure out what was going on, but one time the flower commercial would play, then the back pain, then the flower – each time I backed it up 10 or 20 seconds to watch the end of that first commercial the following commercial would alternate between the flower and the back commercial. Each time the flower commercial played, I noticed it was preceded by a longer "in between" black time between commercials, a kind of strange pause.

I was amazed!  How in the heck could this happen?  I felt so much better, I knew that Irene was showing me she was there (cardinal, flower).  Robert showed up and I paused the recording on the fashion commercial spot and switched to live TV.  We talked for a while and then I told him this bizarre thing had happened and I wanted to see if it would happen for him or if I was just hallucinating.  I played the commercial through and the back pain commercial started up, but every time I backed up and played it that same commercial would play. I told him what happened and I was totally amazed that it stopped. 

After Robert left I asked Irene if it was just for me and if she could do it again. I had paused it on the first commercial, so I hit play AND THE FLOWER COMMERCIAL FOLLOWED THE FIRST ONE!!! And yes, it did start out with the exact same pink tiger-lily.  I literally jumped and hollered out “Holy Crap!” I was so excited and awed.  Right then I KNEW beyond any doubt that she was there making this happen.  At least for the time being, all that doubt and fear was driven out. I was so happy.  The healthy cardinal is her representation to me of her health and power and the flower/commercial event was her way of reinforcing to me that she is here and she is working with me to keep us all safe and getting us through this and keeping our relationship close and on track.  I paused on the flower commercial so I could show Robert later that it actually existed and turned to live TV.  I spent the rest of the day so happy and telling Irene how amazing she is and how lucky I am to have her.


May 11, 2017  Thursday - The Magic Flower Commercial, Part 2

I feel so good today, that doubt and fear driven away at least for the time being.  I totally know Irene is here.  That commercial is still blowing my mind. Something I learned today is we are always connected mentally and spiritually, so I can talk to her even while she’s not in this particular physical area – when she’s out doing other things in the spirit world or with other people in this world. I don’t have to always imagine her here and it’s okay to focus on locations here while talking, like her papasan chair, even though she may not be right there – she can still hear me, and such locations give me something to focus on when I speak – it helps to comfort me.  She understands the situation completely.

Gave Marley (one of our Pekingese, along with Pico) a bath today and an examination while I brushed him and a lot of my concerns about possible growths, tangles and matted hair appear to be unfounded.  We’re going to the groomer tomorrow morning and I didn’t want him to be too awfully dirty – I know Irene appreciated that. She would have a fit if I took the dogs out looking so ragged. This will be the first time the dogs have been to the groomer - Irene used to do all that. I'm not about to even try.

Jessica, Khloe and Andrea came over  and I told them about the commercial.  When I started the program up it was supposed to be paused on the flower commercial - that's where I paused it after Robert left the last time.  Incrdibly, when I called up the recording, it was paused on the back pain commercial instead.  I had paused it there to make sure someone would know there really was a flower commercial. That was freaking unbelievable.  I could not get the flower commercial to play for them no matter what. It only played the back pain commercial. Wow!!!!  It's amazing to me, but I'm starting to think maybe others feel like I might be losing it.  It's like Irene is saying that at least for now, this message/sign is just between us.  She suggest I use my Ipad to try to record it the next time it happened for me.

Robert and Shanna came over and I felt great.  I showed them my new curtains.  Irene never put curtains up because she just wanted all the light possible to always be in the house, but I need to be able to shut the curtains when I want.  I got some nice ones and set them so they can easily open and let all the light in. She doesn't mind. 

We were sitting in the living room and at some point in the conversation I was really wanting to talk about what I was going through but felt inhibited because I didn’t want to make anyone uncomfortable.  Shanna just started talking about how people talk to departed loved ones, like almost out of the blue so I felt it was a prod from Irene and I started talking about our project to make contact and grow our relationship even after one of us had passed. I talked about how other cultures would talk and interact with the departed and we don’t, etc. She started telling me the ghost stories about her house and how she communicates with her mother.  That really made me feel good.  It was a conversation I needed.


May 12, 2017 Friday - The Magic Flower Commercial, Part 3

I woke up feeling great, spent time praying and “prayer manifesting”, spent quiet time listening and feeling and looking for Irene to manifest, felt some sensations and told her about them – whether or not they are her, I would think she needs feedback from me and also the feedback is part of the manifestation aspect of the project. I can't just assume  she knows everything I'm experiencing.

I took dogs in to  have them groomed – like the trip to the animal clinic earlier, it was a wasted trip. Can’t get groomed without shot records.  That’s two trips to town that were largely unnecessary past couple of days. I don't like going to to town unless I have to - driving takes too much out of me, leaving me weak and open to negative/sad influences.

Spent more time praying. Felt some sorrow – it felt just like I was about to sneeze, so I sat down started praying and let the tears roll and sobs come out. Felt good afterward, still feel like there’s some down in there. It's really like nausea - you throw up, feel better after, but soon you feel like you've got more throwing up to do before it's over  Keeping up a dialogue with myself and Irene and God.  I noticed this morning the pink lily finally gave out, all but two petals fallen.

I was eating and watching TV and decided to try the flower commercial again.  It didn’t work the first time, decided one more time and it worked!  I got the Ipad and brought it in, thought it was recording and it did it again, but it wasn’t recording.  I made sure it was recording this time and it didn’t do it a couple of times but then I said out loud I was sorry I didn’t get it the first time, do it one more time come on baby! .. and I got the whole thing recorded on Ipad! No kidding, I have the whole thing actually recorded.  I played it back and yep ... it was good. I had it recorded:

The magic flower commercial.

Thinking about this whole series of events, it’s important to note that had that one pink tiger-lily not stayed perfect for so long while the others just like it wilted in the same vase, that particular flower wouldn’t have been in my mind when I first saw the commercial, so I would have no reason to flip back to see what kind of flower was at the beginning of the commercial and I would never have noticed anything at all. None of this would have happened with the whole flower video.

The thing is that I was attentive and looking for “coincidences” and strange events and pay attention to them and write them down or take note even when I don’t see any connection right at the time.  I could have just thought, “wow, that looked kind of like the flower in the kitchen” and just flipped forward to watch the rest of the show.  Without a very specific set of actions on my part, some made because I was being attentive, that commercial sequence change would never have been observed.


May 13 & 14, 2017 Saturday & Sunday - Were You Ever In Korea?

I'm up at stupid o’clock in the morning sick with grief.  Have come to think of this condition as being one of physiological withdrawal, like going cold-turkey off the world’s most powerful drug. It doesn’t matter that you know it’s temporary; it doesn’t matter that you know it’s withdrawal; you still get sick, shake, vomit, and will do anything to make it stop.  You scream and shout and beg god for relief, cry and feel like the whole world is coming to an end, feel like you can’t breathe and you’re dying, everything looks bleak and hopeless.  

There’s a big gaping wound deep in you until the physiological “addiction” hopefully wears off over time.  You cannot talk or rationalize yourself out of it, so IMO just accept the it is going to happen and go through it.  That's all you can do. If you have to curl up and sob or kneel by the side of your bed and pray for an hour, just do it.  Just freaking do it.  Scream, shout, whimper, groan, the hell with it.  IMO it’s best to try not to do it around other people, but sometimes you just gotta throw up whether it gets on other people or not.

Don’t think that because you’re going through withdrawal you lack faith or belief or knowledge that the departed person still exists on the spirit plane, is with you but unseen in the physical, and can see, hear and feel you.  You don’t have to choose between the two intellectually.  You can act out all sorts of aggression and doubts and crazy thoughts and feelings when you go through this kind of physiological withdrawal and none of it means anything.  They are expressions of the havoc your psychological and physical processes are going through acclimating to the new situation.  Don’t beat yourself up about it – the people on the other side know all too well what you are going through and understand.  They are helping you the best they can but, as we know, some crap you just have to go through.

I can’t believe I’ve been writing every day for over a month – has it really been a month?  Finally got a few hours sleep last night, woke up a little sad but not too bad.  Robert brought by the wooden planters yesterday. Ivori Hibiscus trees planted in some big green pots I bought.  I told Ivori about the flower commercial and showed her the video, then showed Robert the video when he came by later.  As Ivori was putting the third tier on the Pyramid, this big black and yellow butterfly kept dancing around her and the pyramid and the witches pot. It was amazing – it would stay near her and land right in front of her, it hung around for at least 5 full minutes just circling around Ivori and all over the pyramid.  She took several pictures. We both knew it was a sign from Irene.

Every time after someone leaves that’s been here for a while I break down and have to kneel beside my bed and have a full-out prayer sobbing session.  I don’t know if I’m taking on their pain or if I’m just feeling the effect of not being able to freely interact with Irene for a duration.  It's probably pain building up because she’s not being involved in the conversation, not being included, and it becomes very clear to me that she’s physically missing because she was always the one doing most of the talking for us, so when people are here it amplifies to my addicted self that her physical body is not here. Then when they leave, I crash.

I don’t feel lonely at all; I just miss her presence terribly, even though I know spiritually and intellectually that she’s here.  I’m so glad I’ve been writing this, because reading back towards the beginning I realize that there is a place where I can feel really good and happy being with her in this kind of relationship.  Whatever the state I was in during much of April is a state I know can exist for us in the future. That gives me hope and comfort as I go through this withdrawal.

I fell like a burden and wish I could be less of a burden on Irene.  It cannot be easy for those on the other side to see the suffering of those they love on this side after they leave, even if they are in a position of better perspective and more spiritual understanding.  I need to be here for her, to support her, to acknowledge her, validate her.  I need to understand she has more going on than just me – she has a lot of kids and grandchildren to help tend, and who knows what else to do that we don’t have any idea of?  How hard must it be on the other side when every time they’re here with us they see or sense our pain and grief?  I hate the thought of demanding too much time and attention from her when I know the kids, other relatives and her friends are hurting as well. 

I hope at some point we can find a normalized, happy state of love and interaction that is good, joyful and fulfilling -  like those first two weeks and like I've experienced here and there since.

Grief is exhausting. I thought that and started laughing.  I did a praying/crying session today, later was trying to do some work and Karl’s voice (Irene's biological dad, passed over many years now) popped in my head, “Good lord, the way you’re carrying on … were you ever in Korea?  I was in Korea.  Now that was some crap worth crying about. My best friend got his head blown off right beside me.  Quit being such a sissy.” I laughed several times thinking of that and finally got to sleep.


May 15, 2017  Monday - Pep Talk

I gave myself quite the pep talk morning. Picture me stomping around the house basically yelling at myself  The family-friendly version interpretation goes like this: 

Quit being such a sissy! We are super-strong and tough.  Look at what we manifested and created in this world after we found each other.  We created a big bright utopia of family, home, love and joy.  We won this set of challenges – we said that many times.  We won.  You said often you had everything you ever wanted and then some.  It was time for our new adventure, our new challenges. So what, am I going to cry and whine about it, or put on my big-boy pants and meet the challenge? I mean, how could we be in a better position to go forward in our new adventure? Some of it’s going to be rocky and hard and make us cry like little babies – so what?  We’ve climbed through the tough going before and look what we made in this world out of absolutely NOTHING!!!!! Nothing but faith and love. That’s literally all we had – faith and love.  And look what we did. Holy crap. We are awesome spiritual superheroes that took each other’s hand and climbed up out of the ruins and recreated our world.  Amazing!  It doesn’t stop here, this is just a new chapter where we get to beat the greatest obstacle yet to be thrown in our path.  So what? We got this.  WE GOT THIS!!

After writing the above I went and found  this video on YouTube by Elisa Romeo about how to talk to people on the other side. I felt so validated and energized because I’ve experienced exactly what she’s talking about in that video when it comes to this overwhelming emotional sensation when a loved one touches you from the other side. I followed Romeo’s advice/instructions, which was something I had done before – finding a good spot to meditate, but just focusing on quieting myself and listening, looking, being sensitive to what messaging might come in from Irene.  It was a very good session and I felt so good afterwards.  Elisa said some things I needed to hear – like that the departed are not limited to space-time like we are and can “bilocate” or do two or more things at one time, so there’s no need to worry about if your loved one is busy elsewhere or with someone else.  I can put that out of my mind now – I was actually worried about monopolizing Irene’s time.

I went into town for my meeting with the adult adoption attorney to adopt Gerra and I totally felt Irene touch me several times – that overwhelming, primordial/divine sensation of love.  It was awesome!!  I completely felt she was with me and felt very happy and excited.  The meeting with the attorney went very well and I was able to come home and take a nap and woke up feeling very happy.  Elisa talked in her video about our capacity to just “know” things without any explanation or proof and that information, for clairsentient people, carries great emotional impact.  That's exactly what happens to me.


May 16, 2017  Tuesday - Normal?

I felt “normal” this morning when I woke up. I didn't like it. It was very early, I did a session without any major events. A "session" is usually me spending an hour or so talking with Irene and listening, praying, and then meditating for 30-40 minutes.

It’s difficult to understand my emotions.  I feel these very powerful sensations and I’m not sure what to make of them.  Some of them are very difficult to sort out - they're new, complex, and very strong.  Today I felt what seemed to me to be a form of that primordial love sensation emanating from me to Irene, but it's something I'm going to have to experience a few times before I really understand what it is.  It's overwhelming.

As the day has progressed I have figured out that I am worried about feeling “normal”, that it might lead to me feeling “normal” without Irene, which is something I realize deep down I don’t want to occur.   It actually makes me sad to even think of that.  I feel her telling me that it will be fine to feel normal, but I'm not willing to think about it right now.  Then I saw the female cardinal again at the feeder. 

How could I possibly feel normal without Irene? Well, okay, I'm not without her. She's here. So what's the problem with feeling normal? So strange. It's really difficult to think straight when you have so many weird emotions running through you. I feel like feeling normal is disrespectful somehow, or somehow it trivializes her death.  Even though she's still here? Very confusing.


May 17, 2017  Wednesday - Envisioning Irene

So I found a routine and some thoughts that seems to work in helping maintain my sense of close contact with Irene.  Several times a day I sit in my usual spot in the couch, get completely comfortable, turn off the lights and TV, close my eyes and begin by breathing in and out deeply 10 times.  If  I feel the need to pray I pray.  Then I begin imagining/seeing Irene next to me on the couch – leaning up right next to me, or sitting cross-legged, or curled up in my arms with her legs up on the couch.  I imagine/hear her talking to me.  From there I can imagine/see us in any other situation, which I feel is like us interacting at a higher level in a different plane of existence – the mental or astral plane, and so are not limited by physical circumstances or conditions.  I can talk to her using my voice or my mind, whichever feels more comfortable.

I don’t try to force anything and I try to keep from feeling pressured to do anything (from my own ego).  Some things I keep in mind: Irene has got this.  She doesn’t want me to worry about anything – she and God have got it covered.  She is here all the time and wants to do everything she can to help me, no matter how long it takes or how much I need her to stay with me.  I should focus doing the things I need to do and keep doing the routine above to stay close to her and interact with her all I want.  She’s very happy to sit and watch TV with me as long as I like, to go anywhere and be with me all I want or need. I am not imposing on or bothering her.  We are soul-mates – she is so happy to be in a position to take care of me as long as I need it and delights in being able do so and to be acknowledged and for me to know she is there with me.  

This helps me let go of worries and insecurities about our situation when they start creating confusion in my mind.  It's best to keep clear, comforting and uplifting thoughts in my head right now as much as possible.  I took a short nap today and I saw Irene for just a second, but I got so excited I woke up! I immediately told her and thanked her for the dream.  She was talking to me in the dream but I couldn't hear her.


May 18, 2017  Thursday - Movie Night

I went to movies with Robert & Shanna last night and had a great time, feeling Irene with us. Feeling great when I went home and fell right to sleep.  

The movie seats were reserved and they were my first three lucky numbers which I've had ever since we met.  The message of the movie was to connect to your source from the heart, not the head. I’ve been thinking recently about not trying to figure things out, figure out paths forward – just go from the heart and keep my intellect from getting in the way, which has always been our way in life and one of my biggest issues.  Irene would often tell me when we first met that she could see the gears turning in my head through my eyes and that always made her feel uneasy that I was going to let my thoughts interfere with what our hearts knew was true.  That's something it took me a long time to do - get out of my head and ignore when my intellect would try to stop us from pursuing what our hearts knew was our path.

Had a real good prayer and Irene envisioning/meditation session this morning – all from the heart.  Feeling great afterward all day long!


May 19, 2017  Friday - Refining My Technique

I woke up feeling pretty good.  Working on accepting the “normal” feeling, and being more accepting of my mental projections of Irene, even though it’s not of the same quality as my other experiences which seem to be much more real.  I’m trying to understand some of these emotions I experience as love for Irene and not pain, and that “missing her” sensation is an expression of my love for her and not something I want to avoid, but embrace and experience in a positive way.  I have to pray daily, sometimes several times a day, for strength, grace, comfort and understanding. 

I had a really good session before Wheel of Fortune (which I always watch with her) where I was able to create a framework of understanding about our relationship. There is the daily, “normal” interaction where I don’t usually have as pronounced a sense of connection, but I still talk to her as if she’s with me and envision her at times with me.  This needs to be an entirely “no pressure” allowing of a “normal” relationship.  It’s not like Irene and I felt super-connected and intimate every second of every day while she was physical, but there was a sense of normalcy where we knew such intimacy was available. I guess I'm trying to not be so "needy" or demanding of her attention. Not because I think she would rather be doing other things, but because I think it's a healthier relationship.  After all, I want her to be proud of me. Kinda hard to picture Irene proud of me when I'm curled up in a fetal position bawling like a baby. Yuck.

In addition to that “normalcy” of moment-to-moment interaction with Irene,  there is also the meditative envisioning of her.  I do this by finding a relaxed position to get fully comfortable in and using a combination of deep breathing, prayer and meditational focus techniques (like those I practiced when I was involved in Sant Mat) to move my consciousness upwards into a spiritual realm where I can easily and more fully envision Irene and I together in an envisioned world.  I did this just for a few minutes and it had a powerful impact on me; it was entirely unlike envisioning Irene during “normal” physical interaction.  She was far more stable visually and audibly and things occurred without my apparent intention.  I was practicing an “allowing” of the envisioned realm.  We both looked like we looked when we got married.  I could move from a first-person view to a third-person view.

I feel like this practice is key going forward – instead of making Irene do all the work to come to this vibrational level, I can use this method to move towards her and her realm, making it easier on her to visit and communicate. I’m very excited about this – I feel like I’ve got a method to work with going forward: cry and pray when I need/want to; accept the normalcy of most of the day without anxiety or pressure; use the above techniques to develop our ability to more fully interact.

Robert, Gerra & Micheal were all here this evening and we had a great talk.  Told Micheal the flower commercial story for the first time and showed him the video. We tried watching the recorded show on TV to see if we could get the flower commercial to come on, but it played the back pain commercial every time. It is still only doing the trick for me.

Micheal told us about something that happened to him – for no apparent reason at all, his Pandora started playing a song by Bob Marley – Three Little Birds – “Everything’s going to be all right, this is my message to you.” and he knew it was from his mother.


May 21, 2017 Sunday - Some Days You're Just Sick Of Yourself

Yesterday was so bad I couldn't even write in this journal.

Didn’t let the kids see it too much.  They were going through Irene's clothes to take to the goodwill and were going through her hope chest where she kept treasured memories of them.  We had all agreed to do this yesterday, but I felt like I was a junkie and people were finding all the drugs I had hidden in the house and were throwing them out as they went through Irene’s stuff and took them away or got rid of them.  I couldn’t breathe, I was panicking, I was close to running in and telling them just to leave everything alone.  I had to go outside into the back yard patio and sit by myself trying to breathe through tears pouring from my eyes.  My heart was beating me up like a sledgehammer crushing me into countless pieces.  Dear God that was so, so painful, but I knew it had to be done.  After they left I crashed into prayer after sobbing prayer that did nothing to stop the crushing, overwhelming grief.  At 8 pm I was so exhausted I lay down in my clothes and fell immediately to sleep, utterly exhausted.

Woke up early again, felt good for a while, meditated & envisioned Irene, crashed a couple of times, refocused later and spent some more good time envisioning her, felt better, still feeling exhausted.  Yesterday really traumatized me and I felt I was letting Irene down and hurting her feelings by being in such a sad state.  I need to be strong.  I want to be strong for her and the kids, but this grief crap just punches me in the gut and down I go.

This evening I was so tired of feeling sad and weak, I just started shouting that I had enough of this, that I want my strength back, my joy, that I’m tired of being weak, that Irene deserves better. We’re badasses, for God’s sake!  We took everything life had to throw at us and still survived and thrived!  The heck with this whiney, crying BS. I’m sick of it.  We deserve to be happy together and to be confident and strong going forward.


May 22, 2017 Monday - Working On "Normal"

I felt strong and good when I woke up, spent time with Irene working with Irene on new relationship, talking about what it means going forward.  I want our relationship to be strong and “normalized”, but I also recognize that I am insecure about that normalization.  

One of the things I enjoyed about Irene being sick (ugh, I hate admitting this) was that she depended on me and I was able to come through for her.  Her illness provided a framework to let me show her how much I loved her and how much she could depend on me.  It was a similar thing with my mom when I was able to fully move my work to home; I could take care of her.  I could "pay her back" for all the help she had ever given us and I could "prove" to her that was worth that trust.  I found taking care of Mom and Irene very rewarding, like I might actually be a good person worth the love and trust others placed in me.

So, it's been years since we had a "normal" relationship, so to speak.

I think that my pain and grief was, in some way, a means of making sure she was focused on me – at least in some small part - in the afterlife.  I hate admitting that, too.  I’ve just got to be a stronger man – not just for her, but for myself and my family.  I’ve got to be confident that we have an unbreakable soul-mate bond, but the fact is we still have individual aspects and natures that can use better development so we don’t fall into patterns of taking each other for granted or trying to control the other person, or not making ourselves the best version of ourselves that we can be.  We're so much better together when we are both individually strong and secure in ourselves and in our love for each other.  It's so easy to slip into unhealthy relationship patterns where things you need to work on are set aside because your partner is so accepting of you, flaws and all.


Had a great trip with her into town to drop some papers off at the adult adoption attorney. 

Then, stupidly and for no reason, I crashed.  I don't even want to write about it. Just re-read it from a prior entry. In my opinion it's exactly like being an addict in withdrawal. It makes no sense and there's just nothing you can do but ride it out, clinging desperately to the memory and knowledge that you don't always feel like this; often, you feel completely whole and connected and happy.  When the grief comes, though, those are really just words that seem completely abstract and hollow.


May 23, 2017  Tuesday - "Perfect Accord"

I have crashed into a world of hurt today.  My mind latches onto every conceivable thought and feeling to generate more pain and suffering, trying to turn everything into crap – all thoughts of the past, present and future.  My mind is seeking out every conceivable avenue of accumulating pain, despair and regret, and nothing I do seems to give it any pause.  The grief is causing so much confusion in my head, making me doubt everything, wondering if Irene and I are even on the same page, wondering if I'm hurting her with my grief, wondering how she can stand me right now, wondering if she had so many better things to do than to be constantly running to my aid. I realize I can't remember the date we met.  Was it January 10th?  20th?  I can't believe I can't remember.  I plunge even further into despair.

At one point I started the Long Island Medium recording (the magic flower commercial) to try and see the flower commercial again. It wouldn’t come on – it was just the back pain commercial over and over, like six or seven times. I broke down and just pleaded with her to help me, that I needed something really bad.  I skipped back 10 seconds once again just crying my eyes out and boom – an entirely different commercial started after the fashion commercial. It wasn’t the flower commercial- it was a Honda Accord commercial – a current one that wasn’t even running back when we made the recording.  My mind was blown.

The opening term was “Perfect Accord” – In other words, Irene is letting me know that we are in perfect accord,  not to worry about all the things that have been making me feel so confused and susceptible to grief and negative mindsets.  At the end of that commercial I saw this:  0.9 APR 2017 and immediately knew it meant 1990, Jan 9, the ninth day of 90 – that was the day we met. APR 2017 was the month she passed.  That phrase, "Perfect Accord", makes a deep impression on me - it has almost magical qualities. It reaches down deep in my heart and quiets my fears and doubts.

I skipped back several times and never saw the Perfect Accord commercial again that night.  I thanked Irene repeatedly, and thanked anyone else in spirit that might have been involved repeatedly, and thanked God repeatedly.

Also, Gerra had been trying to make a decisions for weeks about whether or not to get one of her cars fixed or the other, or just buy a new car.  When I told her about it, she took it as a sign that she should just go ahead and buy a new car.  She got several signs after that which validated that impression.


Wednesday, May 24, 2017 Six Things I Know For Sure

I woke up feeling good, spent time talking with Irene, started feeling great again.  Texted Gerra about the commercial, she was right at that time trying to find her lost keys so she could get a new car, asking Irene to help her find the keys.  As we were texting her friend comes and picks her up and her keys are in her friend’s car!

Also, walked into my office (not for the first time this morning) and an orange box I hadn’t noticed before was on top of my plastic shelves. Had a bunch of needlepoint stuff Gerra had apparently missed so I think Irene wants to make sure Gerra gets that box. Found a great pair of needle nose pliers in that box I plan on keeping, though!

I was telling Ivori about all this and the big black and yellow butterfly I saw in the back yard yesterday, matching the small one she made a video while working on the pyramid and the giant one Freya took a picture of had that landed on Victor and just sat there while they all looked at it.  Ivori told me she saw one in her back yard and when she was driving. She also has 4 cardinal eggs in a nest made low in a shrub near her back porch so she can just look in and see the eggs.

I need to make sure I make a note on how fantastic I feel right now – fully connected to Irene, fully confident about our relationship continuing and growing, fully happy about thinking about our past, looking at her pictures, remembering us and our interactions, listening to her voice and watching videos with her in them.  I need to remember that I feel no fear, no doubt, no pain, no sorrow, nothing but immense, overwhelming love, gratitude, connection, and excited confidence in our shared experience going forward. If dark times come again, I need to remember to come back and read this and not let that darkness fool me or persuade me that everything has always been shit, that I’m lying to myself, that things will never be good again.  Yesterday I told myself over and over that at times all you can do is just hang on.  Just grit your teeth and hang on because you never know from one minute to the next when you can just start feeling better – so, so much better that you didn’t think it was possible.

During my time with Irene after lunch she told me that we are always together – that she is actually inside me, a part of me, which is why I can feel our love so intensely now.  As I was pondering this, thinking “can this be true”, I checked my mail and there was an envelope in the mailbox with the word “Indeed” on it in big letters.  This actually makes sense as to how we can read each others thoughts and feelings and have such an empathetic connection.  We’re actually two parts of a whole, and together we are whole.  I’m still wrapping my mind around this.  She’s telling me that now we have an even better opportunity to realize this, to actualizing a truly intimate sense of wholeness together because we are not fooled/mesmerized by the separate-ness of physical bodies.

Making a list of things I know so I can reference them later: 

1. I know there is an afterlife and that we inhabit it in much the same “separate entity” format that we do here (at higher levels, there is less separateness).  

2. I know that people on the other side can contact us here and interact with this world and make amazing, inexplicable things happen, which are beyond all reasoning and rationale, which means this world is not what our rational, normal minds think it is. 

3. The spirit world is right here, just on a different vibrational level.  

4. Irene and I are soul-mates. That “unbreakable bond” of love, that “connection”, means that she is in me and I am in her at all times.  She is always in me; I am always in her; she immediately knows whatever I am going through and doesn’t have to “come to me”; she’s already here.  She is with me every step, always right here with her hand on my heart and her voice in my mind. I can feel her, see her, hear her, immediately, intimately.  

5. I have felt her love in me and it is an overwhelming, powerful sensation. 

6. Irene is all about her family; I know she here for all of us working tirelessly – they do not sleep in the other realm.


May 25, 2017 Thursday - We Already Won

Woke up feeling “normal”.  Talked to Irene like normal. Did normal things. Experienced a very sweet, warm sensation of love from her.  I remind myself that “normal” is okay, it’s good, it’s how we spent most of our time together – in a state of “normal” – feeling comforted by each other’s presence, being able to do daily things like work and household chores, then when we needed or wanted spike up into a more intense exchange of that love/intimacy in various ways.  This morning I feel very confident, very much in love with her, very strong that she is always here with me.  It’s really amazing and wonderful.  I understand I have to set my rational, analytical mind aside and just exist in faith, love, and the knowing I have that she is actually in me, a part of me.

I have to make a note – I just went into the kitchen and was making more coffee when Irene gave me such a warm, loving, euphoric sense of union with her that it was unbelievable.  She’s telling me that our union doesn’t have to be hard, that I don’t have to do anything special like meditation practices – just be open-hearted, have faith, live in my love for her and gratitude to god, think of our life together with joy, and realize we are still together and are still creating our present and future together.  Set aside all thoughts of figuring things out or analyzing what is going on – just faith and love. We have already won - in the end, we will be together no matter what.


May 26, 2017 Friday - Doing My Part

Another normal day, with a couple of small highs and minor lows.

Although I know I don't have to meditate as Irene said, I want to start meditating again so I can gain some strength and clarity and raise my vibrational level up.  I see yesterday's message in a new light - Irene doesn't want me beating myself up and over-analyzing my efforts here to reach her and become more attuned to the spiritual.  She wants me to know that we've already got this - we've already succeeded and we will be together.  I will keep this in mind, but I still want to do my part.  I'm enthused about going down this road.

Lightening up my diet would also be a good idea.  I want to start doing work on my end to strengthen my mind and spirit and get in closer, better contact with Irene, also so I can be stronger here, more confidant, less controlled by chaotic, destructive emotions, move away from lower emotions like despair and grief  that try to suck you in and bury you.  I need to do this not just for myself, but for Irene and my family so I can be a source of strength and maybe even inspiration for them.  It’s time to really start pulling my share of the load here and not relying on Irene & God and others on the other side to do all the work.

I would like to make time every day to pray, communicate with Irene and meditate.

Ivori felt like she got help from Irene today and we were both very happy about it and encouraged by it.


May 27, 2017  Saturday - Better Than Normal

Had a great day today – started off okay, then actually got better and better until I was having again having the sensation of being whole, that total connection to Irene, that comfort and grace, joy and happiness, talking to her and her being with me everywhere. After a couple of days of "normal", it's great to have a day like this.  I'm not sure how much "normal" I can take at this time, but it seems we are expanding my capacity. 

I did the Pray/Talk/Meditation sequence I wrote about yesterday three times today, once in the morning right after I got up, once in the afternoon after I got back from the groomer, and once in the late evening.  Lots of stuff happened today – I got Pico and Marley groomed, and the groomers were the greatest.  I was able to talk about Irene there with happiness and joy.  We felt so good together, Irene and I, about how great the boys (our dogs) did and how good they look now.  I felt that Irene was really happy about findng these groomers. 

[Several events occurred this day that were clearly Irene encouraging certain actions in a certain rather stressful family situation.]


May 28, 2017 Sunday, - OMG It Was Mind-Blowing!

OMG I just had the most amazing experience!!!  I woke up feeling very good, did my morning prayer/talk with Irene/meditation and  during the meditation all of a sudden I was in this sunny, beautiful field with Irene and she was so beautiful, smiling so big, arms spread wide, I was just overwhelmed with that primordial sense of connection, love and happiness – tears were streaming down, just thinking of it now fills me with wholeness and happiness. It was only a few seconds but it was so clear and powerful.  I continued my meditation for a few minutes and then I felt Irene radiate from inside me with love and connection and happiness and joy so powerful I thought I would explode. I’ve never felt anything like it in my life. It was like an explosion of intimacy, wholeness and joy.  So amazing there are no words!!!

2nd pray/talk/meditate session today, real good session, nothing spectacular at the time but I felt I got some good work done in raising my vibrational level, then a few minutes later when I sat down to do some work Irene touched me with a great emotional sensation to tell me that the talk/pray/meditate was just the work, but that those great connective/emotional torrents can occur at any time, not just during meditation so I wouldn't get too invested in the particular procedure and process.

Later some pain/sorrow washed lightly over me the thought occurred to me that I wasn’t even experiencing my own pain – that I might be empathetically experiencing another family member's pain and suffering. That makes sense because I cannot understand how I can possibly be experiencing some of the things I experience because of what has been shown to me to be real and true. It’s literally like being bipolar where I have two entirely different mindsets and concepts of reality and interpretations and memories of experience.  I have to watch out when I start having emotional reactions to not immediately think it is meaningful for me personally. It can simply be withdrawal and it might even be me picking up someone else's emotions.

Watched a TV show called "Catfish", title: Kayla and Courtney: Season 5, Episode 10.  I recommend it to everyone who is looking into the afterlife and trying to connect to loved ones who have passed away.  What occurred during filming made believers of the two main guys who do the show, changing their lives. One of the main points I took away from the show is that while it is good to do the prayer and meditation and other things to facilitate connection and to grow spiritually, interaction between the physical and the departed can simply just happen.  I'm not saying those things do not help, I'm saying they should be kept in proper perspective. There's a reason things happen the way the do and when they do, and that process should be respected.

We had a bit of a family crisis today and Irene nudged and came through a couple of times.  I don't want to get to specific about this particular event but it was obvious she was looking out for her children and helping them go in certain directions.


May 29, 2017 Monday - Validating Dream

Woke up feeling good, had a dream – rare occurrence for me to have/remember dreams – where I was in a room with a girl who had lost her mother and was sobbing about it, making me feel sorrowful, a validation that at least some of what I’ve been feeling is due to empathy and not my own state of being.  This knowledge in itself is very helpful as I couldn’t understand how some of the thoughts and sensations and interpretations could be occurring unless it was a destructive presence manipulating my feelings or feeling what someone else is going through.

Had 3 good full sessions today, have felt wonderful all day so far (it’s about 4:00 pm), almost ecstatic, talking to Irene a lot, feeling her, feeling so close it often brings tears to my eyes.  I love her so much!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I can definitely do the rest of my time here if this is what it is going to be like.


May 30, 2017 Tuesday - Session Description

Evening ended well yesterday, full session, was a little nervous around 6pm and after that I might have something negative going on but it never really surfaced.  Gerra got her new car deal (getting the actual car Wednesday) with a clear signal from Irene. 


Woke up this morning feeling really good, had a good full session.  Day progressed well, did one more full session, only felt slightly off at one point after a family member came over and talked.  I’m thinking I’m going to need to put in a session every time after people visit just to make sure I clear out all emotions that are not my own.

My sessions are not strict or formal - it depends on if I feel like doing something in particular first or just don't feel like doing something else yet.  Often I begin with just talking with Irene. We talk about the kids, grandkids and our great granddaughter, about our plans for the future; about things we went through here; I try to imagine what her life is like and we crack wise and make smart-aleck and sarcastic comments that make us laugh; usually I envision her curled up beside me with my arm around her and us both sipping coffee like we did so, so many times; sometimes images of us pop in my head with us in what appear to be various afterlife surroundings.  That may go on for 10 minutes to an hour or so; and it usually leads to prayers if I haven't started with those.

I begin with a prayer of gratitude for all my blessings, an that goes on for a few minutes, then a prayer for Irene, family and friends, and myself; I pray for strength, for joy, for connection to Irene; I pray to feel her love and hear her, feel her and see her; I pray for guidance and protection, for a sense of fulfillment, wholeness and being complete. I pray for energy, direction and motivation towards my goals of interacting with Irene with perfect clarity and for purpose and happiness while I am still here.

Then I usually meditate, which can be for different things - to raise my vibrational level, or to use affirmations to accomplish the content of my prayers; or to move into the spiritual world for a while so I can visit Irene.  Occasionally I use the meditation to more deeply envision Irene being with me.


May 31, 2017 Wednesday - Digging

I woke up in a weird state. I felt normal and felt bad about feeling normal. It took a while to get in sync with Irene.  Full morning session.  Need to remember that doing the sessions is just me doing what I can, that it’s all in god’s hands and that I can go to the spirit realm and fully interact with Irene any time God decides regardless of any “progress” I am making and regardless of my efforts.  I just have to do what I can and be as good a person as I can to hold up my end of this.


I probably ate too much for lunch - eating too much makes me feel weird, had a minor swing into sadness (not despair or grief).  I dug through some of Irene's stuff outside before committing it to the trash, got me to thinking about our lives here and how we interacted and communicated, about what it is that I get to missing and feeling so bad about at times.  

Then I had a kind of big “throw up” crash.  It’s just so weird – I can be doing so well, then boom! It’s like becoming someone else who is really heartbroken.  I think I need to be careful about looking through her stuff and thinking too much about our past until I get more emotionally stable.

Looked online and found a book for kindle which I downloaded to read.  I feel like I need more materials to support what I'm doing.

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