Better
After posting in several FaceBook groups about how, in most ways, my relationship with Irene is better now than ever, others posted how they cannot imagine their transdimensional relationship ever possibly being better than having their soul-mate with them in this world.
I also could not even begin to imagine that until it started happening, but here is something I deeply believe: everyone's relationship, individual circumstances, history and purpose in this world is different and so cannot be compared or judged by any other. Everyone is on their own journey and I don't see or sort such things hierarchically or along some linear path towards common goals or destinations. Everyone has a unique story and perspective.
That said, I would like to offer a more thorough explanation of our particular situation and the reasons why I say our relationship is "better than ever."
When I first met Irene, my attraction to her was almost entirely mental. Physically, she wasn't really my "type" as far as physical attraction was concerned, but her personality and directness was positively thrilling to me. I'd never met anyone like her. I say this because our relationship was always rooted in mental and heartfelt communion, and was not based on physical attraction, although we did thoroughly enjoy expressing our love that way. As time went by, it was by the gauge of spiritual, mental and heartfelt communion, depth and expansion that we perceived our relationship becoming "better."
We had some particular and very difficult circumstances and issues to overcome that challenged our relationship from the start and continued on for about the next 17-18 years. Some of them were extremely serious. What we learned over time was that no matter how bad it seemed, no matter how seemingly unrecoverable and impossible continuation appeared, our love for each other would increase and our relationship would expand as long as we just stayed with each other and tried to work through it. Even when it seemed our love could not possibly get any better, and it seemed our relationship had expanded to fullness, challenges and other events would lead the way to something even better.
By "expansion of our relationship", I mean that each of us seeing how the other acted, reacted and thought in various circumstances - especially the dire ones - gave us both increased respect and admiration for the other. It gave us increased knowledge and perspective, insight into deeper aspects of who the other person "truly" was, and we found - more and more - greater and broader aspects of our love and appreciation for each other.
Irene suffered many tragic losses and had led a very, very difficult life. It was difficult for her to set aside the armor and the anger, but over time she did so - IMO, very few people can do that. I admire her so much for her willingness and ability to do this. I also had issues that I had to set aside that had served as my template for holding people at a distance. We had to learn to let each other into the deepest recesses of our heart and allow ourselves to be totally vulnerable to each other, but the reward was a level of trust and loving companionship beyond anything I had ever imagined or even thought possible.
Over the course of our lives, I had learned from her to accept that what seemed impossible not only could occur, but regularly occurred in our lives. The unimaginable not only could happen, but did. We had adopted certain "spiritual" techniques into our daily lives that I give a lot of credit to for these things - positive thinking, directed intention, affirmations, visualizations, and a lot of faith and trust and - most importantly, IMO - not letting my own preconceived notions or ideas of "what is possible" stop me from taking steps towards a goal even when that goal seemed utterly, indisputably impossible. Irene had about 95% of the faith and trust in these things; my job was mostly - in the beginning - just to not get in the way and not be negative about it.
My rational, logical mind was shown over and over again to be just plain wrong about what was possible, likely, and not possible. I learned that if I just allowed, and let Irene lead the way in her faith, nothing was impossible for us.
For the last ten or so years of her life in what we call "the physical", we were blissfully happy, but we were still finding new ways to love more deeply and for our relationship to grow. Things that people tend to set aside as they become adults because of the various pressures of the world - innocent, childlike qualities, enjoyments and fun - we began to rediscover and embrace. We had everything we wanted and had achieved everything we could have hoped for and far, far more than we had even imagined possible. We had created our own little world that was, as we put it, better than any fantasy.
For the last two and a half years of her life, Irene was seriously sick from cancer, which eventually took her life here. Her difficulty breathing and the pain kept our physical contact to a minimum - no more long, deep kisses because the difficulty she had breathing caused by the fluid in her chest could trigger a panic attack. I had to be careful about where I touched her because of the pain. Sex was out of the question, as you can imagine, but because of various medications we took long before that, we had already dealt with highly diminished sexual interest and capacity - it was just one more challenge that we accepted in the expansion of our loving relationship. We had learned to "make love" with a touch, a look, our actions, words and, even then, a heart and mind communion that I realize now was a deeper development of our spiritual union. We got to where we could read each other's minds and hearts very easily and naturally. We learned to delight each other in so many other ways.
Throughout her illness, up to the time she lost consciousness and shortly thereafter crossed over, Irene was never concerned about herself; she was always concerned about me, the children, and others that loved her so much. I've never seen such strength, grace and love in anyone even in good conditions. She would be trying to raise the spirits of the doctors, nurses and other patients wherever she went. in chemo treatment facilities, doctors offices or the hospital, or when friends and family would visit at our home. It was incredibly inspiring and my adoration for her reached even greater heights.
Something to understand about me, personally, before I get into my reaction and process after she crossed is that I have a very long history of "mystical" and "spiritual" experiences and involvement dating back to when I was about 8 years old. My forte, which I wrote extensively about and had books published in the mid-1990's about, was in deconstructing beliefs and assumptions. Many times, before and after we met, I could deconstruct my personal views and change them into a perspective that helped me accept, work through and overcome challenges. I realize now, from this vantage point, that this was all part of our plan coming in here. I can see the connected dots dating back to when I was eight years old.
I've always had a capacity to receive information - or "intuit" it - that allowed me to accomplish the tasks and overcome the challenges that came into my path in life. That capacity helped us in our lives - I could process that information into either adopting new beliefs or behaviors, or into actual physical expression in my work - it's how I developed my "career" path into what I do now without any formal education whatsoever beyond graduating high school. It also helped immensely in my being able to drastically change my own perspective when I needed to in order to keep our relationship on track, in dealing with a blended family of six children, and in being able to integrate her world into mine. We came from radically different backgrounds.
So, when Irene died and after a couple of weeks of being protected from the pain, the grief hit me and and my particular history and mental/spiritual tool set came into play. Over a short time - because of my history - I adopted the view that grief was like withdrawal; it was like being physiologically addicted to the most wonderful drug in the world for 27 years and then basically going "cold turkey" off of it. I don't care who you are or what you believe or what your background is, something like that is going to hit you like a ton of bricks.
I adopted this particular view because it encouraged me, framing my experience in the belief that if I just clawed my way through it, then like withdrawal, it would come to an end. It may not be the path others would or should take, and it may not be considered a healthy mental perspective, but my view was that grief was something I was going to have to experience for a while, but that at some point it could and would end. My goal, my intent, was to get past the grief and get back to as good, as happy, and as fulfilling a relationship with Irene as possible.
Even while my mind and heart screamed at me that this was impossible, that there was no "coming back" from this black despair in this life, I had a long history of experiencing the impossible becoming real to draw from. Intellectually, that gave me something to cling to, the barest hope to get me through, a reason to keep slogging through, using the practices and habits that had been successful before - prayer, affirmation, changing my self-narrative, visualization, intention, faith, trust, talking it out with Irene, allowing that what may seem impossible can happen. After finding out some specific information about the afterlife, I added talking with my soul team, asking them for help, and bolstered my habit of communicating directly with Irene.
Even through great fear, panic attacks, and crippling doubt, I trusted the process as best I could because of our history, and also because the alternative was just too painful. I reminded myself that we had been through some pretty bleak situations before, and we came out the other side triumphant and better than ever.
About four months after she died, I realized I hadn't felt grief in a while. Now, I don't consider "regular" sadness and longing to be "grief"; I considered grief to be that black pit of despair, panic, and overwhelming pain and sadness many of us have had the misfortune to know. I still felt regular sorrow and longing, but hadn't felt grief in a while. This gave me increased hope that the process was working and hope that it could continue to get better; but even at this point I honestly couldn't imagine how our relationship could ever become even "as good" as it was before, much less "even better."
As time went on, the sadness and longing diminished and ultimately vanished. Now, I want to more thoroughly explain something here, but with the repeated caveat that I do not hold that any of what follows to be true or descriptive of anyone else's grief experience; I'm describing and explaining my own experience and process.
The grief, sadness and longing didn't just "go away" without any issues. When I went a day or two between bouts of grief, I suffered from intense guilt for not feeling grief. I felt like I was dishonoring her, our love and our relationship, and what she meant to me. If I ever even felt in the slightest that I might be "moving on," I would panic. I practically begged God, Irene, and any "soul team" that might be helping us to help me because I couldn't make the choice to let go of the grief. I couldn't see a way past it. It was by far my strongest connection to her and I was even proud of it in a sense - it was my testimony to how much I loved her and how much she meant to me.
At the same time, I didn't want to burden Irene with it - I knew she was feeling it. How could she not? I also knew she wouldn't "disconnect" or try to avoid it. She is as committed to me as I am to her. I struggled with this seemingly impossible situation - how could I agree to even the thought of entirely letting go of grief (even if was going to be possible) without ultimately feeling even worse, like I had abandoned her and would be dishonoring what she meant to me?
That's when Irene told me,"You don't have to be in pain to show me you love me." A simple assurance, but it carried so much with it. Letting go of the grief wouldn't mean "moving on"; it was not disrespectful, it did not dishonor our love or relationship. I understood that choosing to let go of the grief, intending to, affirming it, would not diminish our connection, but rather it would make way for even more connection and emotional/spiritual communion because she would be more free to interact without the worry of triggering a grief episode.
Once again, my history and tool set kicked in. I adopted this new view - that we could move forward without the grief serving as both a monument to her and a source of connection; I intended and affirmed, prayed and visualized. I was willing to move forward. The grief eventually stopped, as did the sorrow and longing.
All that said, it still doesn't answer the question about how our relationship is better now, but with that context, I can now answer that question better. Even if the process would allow for and encourage the relationship to become "even better", what did that mean in actual, experiential terms?
First, I have a great joy for Irene being in what we call "the afterlife," because she is now young again, healthy, energetic, powerful, radiant, and with family she loves so much. She is with her son who died at birth. She can now help others instead of being the one who needed help. She is beyond the infirmities and indignities that age and illness had visited upon her. She is beyond the pressures and concerns of this world and society. I wouldn't wish her back into this world for anything - and this joy for her, and her ability to truly be and express who she is in this situation, beyond what she ever had the opportunity for in life, has expanded our love, happiness and thus our relationship.
Second, Irene is showing me so much attention, devotion and a profound love that is transcending even death - how can that not be an incredible expansion of our love and relationship? It's mind-boggling. That has impacted our relationship in a very profound way - as has my continued devotion to her, my ongoing and increasing love and adoration for her, and my tireless efforts to make our connection and interaction better.
Third, we can now directly experience how we feel about each other. It's an unbelievable sensation and experience - to actually feel that love, admiration, respect, and devotion unclouded by issues, pressures, inhibitions, misconceptions, etc. If for no other reason, that in itself would make our relationship now "better" than before. An emotional squeeze from her can make me absolutely euphoric for hours or even days. Additionally, to get information, help and support from her, from her increased perspective, is amazing.
Fourth, we once again can make love sexually. True, the physical sensation does not yet have the experiential clarity that it had when she was in this dimension, but at least now we can express our love that way - and with beautiful, youthful, energetic bodies! We can make love in the sun, in the moonlight, in bed, and do so to our heart and desires content - with the added bonus of being able to feel and provide exactly what the other wants, AND to be able to experience each other's enjoyment. Along with this, we can once again touch, hug, cuddle, kiss as long, as deeply, as much as we want, without physical challenges (like her former pain and difficulty breathing) getting in the way. There is no limit. We can run and play, swim deep in the ocean, swing like Tarzan and Jane through the jungle, explore and created in our afterlife world to our heart's content.
Fifth, this situation has brought our full attention to the nature of the afterlife and the creative freedom and endless possibilities it holds. We are giddy with excitement and have embarked on our "everlife" enthusiastically, even while I am still "here". We are both very creative people and we can now actually see an eternity of romantic love and creative adventure going forward. Not just "hope for" or think of in some abstract or vague way, but with clarity and specificity which we are already acting on. It's incredibly energizing and motivational! Again - this is another deepening and broadening of our relationship that just wasn't really possible (to even imagine) before her death brought our focus on the "afterlife."
All taken together, our relationship has hit new, unexpected and umimagined heights, depths, and breadth. It's become enormously delightful, fun, creative, adventurous and - best of all - eternal in its scope with, for the most part, much greater clarity and specificity.
I hope this successfully explains how, in our experience, I can honestly say that our relationship is now better than ever. It is my view that we planned this experience and that our particular experiences in life were set up deliberately in order to give us both our particular skills and perspectives for the purpose of developing our relationship, deepening it, expanding it. I also believe that part of our purpose here is to bring this experience to others that might find it a message of hope or resonate with them and help them on their journey.
I also could not even begin to imagine that until it started happening, but here is something I deeply believe: everyone's relationship, individual circumstances, history and purpose in this world is different and so cannot be compared or judged by any other. Everyone is on their own journey and I don't see or sort such things hierarchically or along some linear path towards common goals or destinations. Everyone has a unique story and perspective.
That said, I would like to offer a more thorough explanation of our particular situation and the reasons why I say our relationship is "better than ever."
When I first met Irene, my attraction to her was almost entirely mental. Physically, she wasn't really my "type" as far as physical attraction was concerned, but her personality and directness was positively thrilling to me. I'd never met anyone like her. I say this because our relationship was always rooted in mental and heartfelt communion, and was not based on physical attraction, although we did thoroughly enjoy expressing our love that way. As time went by, it was by the gauge of spiritual, mental and heartfelt communion, depth and expansion that we perceived our relationship becoming "better."
We had some particular and very difficult circumstances and issues to overcome that challenged our relationship from the start and continued on for about the next 17-18 years. Some of them were extremely serious. What we learned over time was that no matter how bad it seemed, no matter how seemingly unrecoverable and impossible continuation appeared, our love for each other would increase and our relationship would expand as long as we just stayed with each other and tried to work through it. Even when it seemed our love could not possibly get any better, and it seemed our relationship had expanded to fullness, challenges and other events would lead the way to something even better.
By "expansion of our relationship", I mean that each of us seeing how the other acted, reacted and thought in various circumstances - especially the dire ones - gave us both increased respect and admiration for the other. It gave us increased knowledge and perspective, insight into deeper aspects of who the other person "truly" was, and we found - more and more - greater and broader aspects of our love and appreciation for each other.
Irene suffered many tragic losses and had led a very, very difficult life. It was difficult for her to set aside the armor and the anger, but over time she did so - IMO, very few people can do that. I admire her so much for her willingness and ability to do this. I also had issues that I had to set aside that had served as my template for holding people at a distance. We had to learn to let each other into the deepest recesses of our heart and allow ourselves to be totally vulnerable to each other, but the reward was a level of trust and loving companionship beyond anything I had ever imagined or even thought possible.
Over the course of our lives, I had learned from her to accept that what seemed impossible not only could occur, but regularly occurred in our lives. The unimaginable not only could happen, but did. We had adopted certain "spiritual" techniques into our daily lives that I give a lot of credit to for these things - positive thinking, directed intention, affirmations, visualizations, and a lot of faith and trust and - most importantly, IMO - not letting my own preconceived notions or ideas of "what is possible" stop me from taking steps towards a goal even when that goal seemed utterly, indisputably impossible. Irene had about 95% of the faith and trust in these things; my job was mostly - in the beginning - just to not get in the way and not be negative about it.
My rational, logical mind was shown over and over again to be just plain wrong about what was possible, likely, and not possible. I learned that if I just allowed, and let Irene lead the way in her faith, nothing was impossible for us.
For the last ten or so years of her life in what we call "the physical", we were blissfully happy, but we were still finding new ways to love more deeply and for our relationship to grow. Things that people tend to set aside as they become adults because of the various pressures of the world - innocent, childlike qualities, enjoyments and fun - we began to rediscover and embrace. We had everything we wanted and had achieved everything we could have hoped for and far, far more than we had even imagined possible. We had created our own little world that was, as we put it, better than any fantasy.
For the last two and a half years of her life, Irene was seriously sick from cancer, which eventually took her life here. Her difficulty breathing and the pain kept our physical contact to a minimum - no more long, deep kisses because the difficulty she had breathing caused by the fluid in her chest could trigger a panic attack. I had to be careful about where I touched her because of the pain. Sex was out of the question, as you can imagine, but because of various medications we took long before that, we had already dealt with highly diminished sexual interest and capacity - it was just one more challenge that we accepted in the expansion of our loving relationship. We had learned to "make love" with a touch, a look, our actions, words and, even then, a heart and mind communion that I realize now was a deeper development of our spiritual union. We got to where we could read each other's minds and hearts very easily and naturally. We learned to delight each other in so many other ways.
Throughout her illness, up to the time she lost consciousness and shortly thereafter crossed over, Irene was never concerned about herself; she was always concerned about me, the children, and others that loved her so much. I've never seen such strength, grace and love in anyone even in good conditions. She would be trying to raise the spirits of the doctors, nurses and other patients wherever she went. in chemo treatment facilities, doctors offices or the hospital, or when friends and family would visit at our home. It was incredibly inspiring and my adoration for her reached even greater heights.
Something to understand about me, personally, before I get into my reaction and process after she crossed is that I have a very long history of "mystical" and "spiritual" experiences and involvement dating back to when I was about 8 years old. My forte, which I wrote extensively about and had books published in the mid-1990's about, was in deconstructing beliefs and assumptions. Many times, before and after we met, I could deconstruct my personal views and change them into a perspective that helped me accept, work through and overcome challenges. I realize now, from this vantage point, that this was all part of our plan coming in here. I can see the connected dots dating back to when I was eight years old.
I've always had a capacity to receive information - or "intuit" it - that allowed me to accomplish the tasks and overcome the challenges that came into my path in life. That capacity helped us in our lives - I could process that information into either adopting new beliefs or behaviors, or into actual physical expression in my work - it's how I developed my "career" path into what I do now without any formal education whatsoever beyond graduating high school. It also helped immensely in my being able to drastically change my own perspective when I needed to in order to keep our relationship on track, in dealing with a blended family of six children, and in being able to integrate her world into mine. We came from radically different backgrounds.
So, when Irene died and after a couple of weeks of being protected from the pain, the grief hit me and and my particular history and mental/spiritual tool set came into play. Over a short time - because of my history - I adopted the view that grief was like withdrawal; it was like being physiologically addicted to the most wonderful drug in the world for 27 years and then basically going "cold turkey" off of it. I don't care who you are or what you believe or what your background is, something like that is going to hit you like a ton of bricks.
I adopted this particular view because it encouraged me, framing my experience in the belief that if I just clawed my way through it, then like withdrawal, it would come to an end. It may not be the path others would or should take, and it may not be considered a healthy mental perspective, but my view was that grief was something I was going to have to experience for a while, but that at some point it could and would end. My goal, my intent, was to get past the grief and get back to as good, as happy, and as fulfilling a relationship with Irene as possible.
Even while my mind and heart screamed at me that this was impossible, that there was no "coming back" from this black despair in this life, I had a long history of experiencing the impossible becoming real to draw from. Intellectually, that gave me something to cling to, the barest hope to get me through, a reason to keep slogging through, using the practices and habits that had been successful before - prayer, affirmation, changing my self-narrative, visualization, intention, faith, trust, talking it out with Irene, allowing that what may seem impossible can happen. After finding out some specific information about the afterlife, I added talking with my soul team, asking them for help, and bolstered my habit of communicating directly with Irene.
Even through great fear, panic attacks, and crippling doubt, I trusted the process as best I could because of our history, and also because the alternative was just too painful. I reminded myself that we had been through some pretty bleak situations before, and we came out the other side triumphant and better than ever.
About four months after she died, I realized I hadn't felt grief in a while. Now, I don't consider "regular" sadness and longing to be "grief"; I considered grief to be that black pit of despair, panic, and overwhelming pain and sadness many of us have had the misfortune to know. I still felt regular sorrow and longing, but hadn't felt grief in a while. This gave me increased hope that the process was working and hope that it could continue to get better; but even at this point I honestly couldn't imagine how our relationship could ever become even "as good" as it was before, much less "even better."
As time went on, the sadness and longing diminished and ultimately vanished. Now, I want to more thoroughly explain something here, but with the repeated caveat that I do not hold that any of what follows to be true or descriptive of anyone else's grief experience; I'm describing and explaining my own experience and process.
The grief, sadness and longing didn't just "go away" without any issues. When I went a day or two between bouts of grief, I suffered from intense guilt for not feeling grief. I felt like I was dishonoring her, our love and our relationship, and what she meant to me. If I ever even felt in the slightest that I might be "moving on," I would panic. I practically begged God, Irene, and any "soul team" that might be helping us to help me because I couldn't make the choice to let go of the grief. I couldn't see a way past it. It was by far my strongest connection to her and I was even proud of it in a sense - it was my testimony to how much I loved her and how much she meant to me.
At the same time, I didn't want to burden Irene with it - I knew she was feeling it. How could she not? I also knew she wouldn't "disconnect" or try to avoid it. She is as committed to me as I am to her. I struggled with this seemingly impossible situation - how could I agree to even the thought of entirely letting go of grief (even if was going to be possible) without ultimately feeling even worse, like I had abandoned her and would be dishonoring what she meant to me?
That's when Irene told me,"You don't have to be in pain to show me you love me." A simple assurance, but it carried so much with it. Letting go of the grief wouldn't mean "moving on"; it was not disrespectful, it did not dishonor our love or relationship. I understood that choosing to let go of the grief, intending to, affirming it, would not diminish our connection, but rather it would make way for even more connection and emotional/spiritual communion because she would be more free to interact without the worry of triggering a grief episode.
Once again, my history and tool set kicked in. I adopted this new view - that we could move forward without the grief serving as both a monument to her and a source of connection; I intended and affirmed, prayed and visualized. I was willing to move forward. The grief eventually stopped, as did the sorrow and longing.
All that said, it still doesn't answer the question about how our relationship is better now, but with that context, I can now answer that question better. Even if the process would allow for and encourage the relationship to become "even better", what did that mean in actual, experiential terms?
First, I have a great joy for Irene being in what we call "the afterlife," because she is now young again, healthy, energetic, powerful, radiant, and with family she loves so much. She is with her son who died at birth. She can now help others instead of being the one who needed help. She is beyond the infirmities and indignities that age and illness had visited upon her. She is beyond the pressures and concerns of this world and society. I wouldn't wish her back into this world for anything - and this joy for her, and her ability to truly be and express who she is in this situation, beyond what she ever had the opportunity for in life, has expanded our love, happiness and thus our relationship.
Second, Irene is showing me so much attention, devotion and a profound love that is transcending even death - how can that not be an incredible expansion of our love and relationship? It's mind-boggling. That has impacted our relationship in a very profound way - as has my continued devotion to her, my ongoing and increasing love and adoration for her, and my tireless efforts to make our connection and interaction better.
Third, we can now directly experience how we feel about each other. It's an unbelievable sensation and experience - to actually feel that love, admiration, respect, and devotion unclouded by issues, pressures, inhibitions, misconceptions, etc. If for no other reason, that in itself would make our relationship now "better" than before. An emotional squeeze from her can make me absolutely euphoric for hours or even days. Additionally, to get information, help and support from her, from her increased perspective, is amazing.
Fourth, we once again can make love sexually. True, the physical sensation does not yet have the experiential clarity that it had when she was in this dimension, but at least now we can express our love that way - and with beautiful, youthful, energetic bodies! We can make love in the sun, in the moonlight, in bed, and do so to our heart and desires content - with the added bonus of being able to feel and provide exactly what the other wants, AND to be able to experience each other's enjoyment. Along with this, we can once again touch, hug, cuddle, kiss as long, as deeply, as much as we want, without physical challenges (like her former pain and difficulty breathing) getting in the way. There is no limit. We can run and play, swim deep in the ocean, swing like Tarzan and Jane through the jungle, explore and created in our afterlife world to our heart's content.
Fifth, this situation has brought our full attention to the nature of the afterlife and the creative freedom and endless possibilities it holds. We are giddy with excitement and have embarked on our "everlife" enthusiastically, even while I am still "here". We are both very creative people and we can now actually see an eternity of romantic love and creative adventure going forward. Not just "hope for" or think of in some abstract or vague way, but with clarity and specificity which we are already acting on. It's incredibly energizing and motivational! Again - this is another deepening and broadening of our relationship that just wasn't really possible (to even imagine) before her death brought our focus on the "afterlife."
All taken together, our relationship has hit new, unexpected and umimagined heights, depths, and breadth. It's become enormously delightful, fun, creative, adventurous and - best of all - eternal in its scope with, for the most part, much greater clarity and specificity.
I hope this successfully explains how, in our experience, I can honestly say that our relationship is now better than ever. It is my view that we planned this experience and that our particular experiences in life were set up deliberately in order to give us both our particular skills and perspectives for the purpose of developing our relationship, deepening it, expanding it. I also believe that part of our purpose here is to bring this experience to others that might find it a message of hope or resonate with them and help them on their journey.
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