3. Bog Posts: June 2017
June 1, 2017 Thursday - It's Like a Vacation. No, Really.
I had a dream about Irene last night, only lasted a few seconds but it was still more than the other 4 where she appeared for only a second or two. I was in charge of throwing trash out of the house (this was like my mother’s house on 30th street) and had big bags of trash outside. I also helped the neighbor carry some of her trash out – or was it all her trash? I don’t quite remember. I was with some other guy who said that Irene said she was going to get rid of the trash and that I needed to help. Anyway we walked outside to check on things and Irene was outside in her overall shorts, about the age I met her, doing some gardening around where that big tree used to be in my mother’s front yard, said something like “you’re the undertaker” somehow meaning it was my job to get rid of the trash? Or the old stuff? Or the dead stuff? - while she was working on planting the new stuff. Anyway I was so excited to see her and hear her voice I woke up.
I had a dream about Irene last night, only lasted a few seconds but it was still more than the other 4 where she appeared for only a second or two. I was in charge of throwing trash out of the house (this was like my mother’s house on 30th street) and had big bags of trash outside. I also helped the neighbor carry some of her trash out – or was it all her trash? I don’t quite remember. I was with some other guy who said that Irene said she was going to get rid of the trash and that I needed to help. Anyway we walked outside to check on things and Irene was outside in her overall shorts, about the age I met her, doing some gardening around where that big tree used to be in my mother’s front yard, said something like “you’re the undertaker” somehow meaning it was my job to get rid of the trash? Or the old stuff? Or the dead stuff? - while she was working on planting the new stuff. Anyway I was so excited to see her and hear her voice I woke up.
Had a really good session, new meditating technique visualizing myself in sunny field like the book I downloaded suggested, Irene was there too, easily visualized Irene and I together there and walking around in some cool afterlife city both of us looking like we do in our wedding pictures. It was a very good experience.
Decided to change my diet and eliminate all heavy foods as advised in many spiritual doctrines I’ve read about over the years to help with my focus and in raising my vibrational level. So I’m going back to eating primarily stir-fry veggies, rice, tofu, guacamole, and some chicken and maybe fish. I’m not going to be a fanatic about it when I’m with others, but I really do have to watch what I eat so I don’t get dragged down by heavy food. I want to do all I can to better interact with Irene, my spirit guides if I have any, better receive any input from God, and to be more alert and have more energy while I’m here. I don't like feeling sleepy and sluggish after eating, it takes up too much of my day just to get back to an alert state where I can work or meditate.
I just went on this hilarious comedy rant about this whole situation, after which I felt so connected, happy, and joyful that it was utter bliss. I was talking about who the f*** ever thought coming here was a good idea in the first place? Have they ever even been here? Seriously? I want to file a complaint! This is some bullshit. Somebody must have lied to me to get me enrolled in this crap. Trying to think of a good reason why anyone would ever come to this world from heaven, came up with hilarious scenarios that might explain it, imagining an Earth recruiter like a military recruiter promising all kinds of BS just to get people to sign up. "Rich? Sure, you'll be rich and famous. No, no, you'll age gracefully. Very little pain at all, you'll love it! It's like a vacation, really. An exciting adventure!".
Went out to mow the lawn, Irene’s yellow and black butterfly flew and landed right in front of me, when I was done mowing the lawn it did the same thing.
Got the big new poster of Irene, put it up and immediately knew I had to throw it out. It caused a big crash. It didn’t affect me at all the way I thought It would. Funny how I can look at the same pictures all day in my ipad as I work and they only make me feel great. Decided to get some smaller pictures made using those images. Had one of my few remaining bottom teeth pulled today. I don’t like that all the discomfort distracts me – it makes me nervous. Didn’t get to eat before, decided I’ll go shopping tomorrow for food as it was late and I’ll just skip eating today.
June 2, 2017 Friday - But The Food Was Really Great!
I went to store and got stocked up on my new diet food. Felt like emotional crap pretty much all day. The food I made was freaking AWESOME though! I got a nap in, didn’t really help much. I feel like I’m being assaulted all the time from all sides. It’s ridiculous. I’m so tired of me right now. Been running an internal (even if I say it out loud most of the time) dialogue all day long to stay strong and remember that there will be better days. Really I think I'm just trying to distract myself enough to not break down too badly so I can get through the day and fall asleep.
At least I don't have much trouble falling asleep. That's probably an immense blessing most people in my situation don't have the luxury of. I don't know how bad off I'd be if I had to deal with this and a lack of sleep.
June 3, 2017 Saturday - Wonder Woman
I woke up feeling okay, had a really good morning session. Was actually feeling really good until a bunch of family drama crashed me and injected all sorts of negative, self-destructive thoughts, then Irene soothed me and led me back to feeling pretty good, had a good meditation that included a lot of envisioning Irene.
Sometimes I just have to use the meditation to bond with her and not raising vibrational level so much. I have been worried about whether or not my relationships with some of the children will continue without Irene being here physically, but after a great talk with Mike after he got here today I realize that my fears and doubts about this are all just negative influences working on my insecurities.
June 2, 2017 Friday - But The Food Was Really Great!
I went to store and got stocked up on my new diet food. Felt like emotional crap pretty much all day. The food I made was freaking AWESOME though! I got a nap in, didn’t really help much. I feel like I’m being assaulted all the time from all sides. It’s ridiculous. I’m so tired of me right now. Been running an internal (even if I say it out loud most of the time) dialogue all day long to stay strong and remember that there will be better days. Really I think I'm just trying to distract myself enough to not break down too badly so I can get through the day and fall asleep.
At least I don't have much trouble falling asleep. That's probably an immense blessing most people in my situation don't have the luxury of. I don't know how bad off I'd be if I had to deal with this and a lack of sleep.
June 3, 2017 Saturday - Wonder Woman
I woke up feeling okay, had a really good morning session. Was actually feeling really good until a bunch of family drama crashed me and injected all sorts of negative, self-destructive thoughts, then Irene soothed me and led me back to feeling pretty good, had a good meditation that included a lot of envisioning Irene.
Sometimes I just have to use the meditation to bond with her and not raising vibrational level so much. I have been worried about whether or not my relationships with some of the children will continue without Irene being here physically, but after a great talk with Mike after he got here today I realize that my fears and doubts about this are all just negative influences working on my insecurities.
I rode with Mike over to Robert’s house and Gerra & Jace were there, and Irene & I had a great time – we were all talking and cracking jokes and having a good time. Then Gerra took Mike & Jace and me to see Wonder Woman, and I was just sitting there with such a great big smile on my face, so happy to be there with them and with Irene.
Wow, the change from early in the day to later is like night and day. It doesn't seem like such polar opposite states could exist in the same year in a person, much less in the same day.
June 4, 2017 Sunday - First Acknowledgement Of My Spirit Team
June 4, 2017 Sunday - First Acknowledgement Of My Spirit Team
I woke up feeling really good, had a good full session, during the meditation felt those old Sant Mat sensations of almost coming out of my body. I think the new regimen and diet are helping a lot. Irene and I talk a lot about how to manage this relationship. In many ways, it’s a lot like when we first met in this world – well at least on my side of this. I’m riddled with insecurities, doubt and fear that I’m constantly battling, and need a lot of attention from her to reassure me until I can build some confidence in the new structure.
Had a nice talk with Dad, Mom, Irene and Reed (all on the other side) while I was cooking breakfast for Gerra and her son, Jace. It felt really good. Gerra & Jace & I drove into Waco to take care of some business. It’s great to have people I can talk to about my experiences with Irene and what I’m doing as far as our relationship going forward.
Amazingly went through the rest of the day feeling really, really good even though I wasn’t openly talking to Irene and didn’t do any more sessions because the kids were here and Gerra & Jace are spending another night. I didn’t even panic about feeling “normal”, even though several times I made sure to mentally acknowledge Irene being here and do some mental exchanges with her to reassure both of us - well, okay, mainly me, but it makes me feel good if I think I'm helping her as well. I felt her helping me the whole way, keeping me “whole” and helping via her presence to make sure we all are feeling good about going forward in this new situation.
Something I figured out after they left was that when I start feeling down, to simply tell Irene I need contact when contact will do instead of a whole session. If I don’t feel that the contact has been enough I can still go ahead and do the session, but it’s important to simply boldly state what I want or need from her at the time instead of trying to create a whole thing out of something that might be very simple. I need to learn to be more straightforward in this effort - state things plainly and simply.
June 5, 2017 Monday - How Far?
Had a good session in the morning. Later after Gerra and Jace left, started feeling like I was sinking (it is a bit of a pattern) so I meditated a while and stopped it. The rest of the day was normal to manageable. Towards the evening I was thinking about how much of a commitment I was going to make towards meditating and what my actual goal was – to actually reach Irene, or to make my existence here enjoyable and functional while I am here - meaning that while I might not actually be able to leave my body and join her in spirit/astral and interact with her there, I could at least keep our connection high, allowing me to get through the rest of this life as happily as possible.
I fell asleep thinking about this.
June 6, 2017 Tuesday - What Am I Really Doing Here?
June 5, 2017 Monday - How Far?
Had a good session in the morning. Later after Gerra and Jace left, started feeling like I was sinking (it is a bit of a pattern) so I meditated a while and stopped it. The rest of the day was normal to manageable. Towards the evening I was thinking about how much of a commitment I was going to make towards meditating and what my actual goal was – to actually reach Irene, or to make my existence here enjoyable and functional while I am here - meaning that while I might not actually be able to leave my body and join her in spirit/astral and interact with her there, I could at least keep our connection high, allowing me to get through the rest of this life as happily as possible.
I fell asleep thinking about this.
June 6, 2017 Tuesday - What Am I Really Doing Here?
I had a good morning session, 40 minutes of meditating. Still have felt sad on and off during the morning, did 20 more minutes about 9:30. Still going through something I’m trying to evaluate, like I’m trying to accept and understand what I’m really doing and why, and who I am going to be in this. What am I really trying to do here? Survive long enough to go back to a semblance of a normal life? What could that possibly look like without Irene? What is my purpose here? What should I be striving for here? Do I think it is really possible for me to actually join up with Irene in spirit while I am still living here, and experience us together on the other side for real - not just imagined, envisioned, or really strongly felt?
I had to meditate for 30 more minutes, I’m crashing this afternoon. Nothing I do seems to stop it. I feel like I’ve lost everything and nothing will bring it back. I can’t seem to feel or envision Irene. I thought earlier that maybe this is like when she and I ever started on any new, better track, something would try really hard to stop us and mess us up. Either that or it’s just a wave of withdrawal. I cling to those thoughts, and the words I've written before that there are times I actually feel great. Maybe I will wake up tomorrow and this unbearable pain, doubt, fear and panic will be over for a while.
June 7, 2017 Wednesday - Overthinking Everything
Got to feeling worse and worse, full of confusion, didn’t even do a morning routine because I was so confused about it and felt so bad and unmotivated. Sat down around noon and prayed the usual, then started meditating and the realization came to me that I was just making it all too hard. I didn’t want to do my old formal Sant Mat meditation and I didn’t want to listen to any of the things people wrote in books about what I should or shouldn’t do that didn't make sense to me. It's too confusing.
I focused directly on Irene and on words that applied to her – love, joy, feeling whole and complete, connection, soul mate, delight, happiness – and then she was with me, I could feel it all, her sitting cross-legged in front of me, holding my extended hands, letting me know this was good, this is how to move forward, I was making it too complicated and open to too much confusion. We are soul mates in perfect accord, together we can do this, any time I want or need her is absolutely good. Do not hesitate, doubt or fear. Talk to her all the time if I want. It’s perfectly good and okay.
She reminds me how this has always been my biggest problem - overthinking everything and making it too hard and complicated when all I need to do is listen to my heart and have faith.
June 7, 2017 Wednesday - Overthinking Everything
I woke up feeling better, started feeling worse, said the heck with it and. went back to sleep. Sometimes the only reasonable response to irrational heartache is sleep. If you can. I've been very lucky in this respect.
I focused directly on Irene and on words that applied to her – love, joy, feeling whole and complete, connection, soul mate, delight, happiness – and then she was with me, I could feel it all, her sitting cross-legged in front of me, holding my extended hands, letting me know this was good, this is how to move forward, I was making it too complicated and open to too much confusion. We are soul mates in perfect accord, together we can do this, any time I want or need her is absolutely good. Do not hesitate, doubt or fear. Talk to her all the time if I want. It’s perfectly good and okay.
She reminds me how this has always been my biggest problem - overthinking everything and making it too hard and complicated when all I need to do is listen to my heart and have faith.
Felt very good afterward, took a nap, woke up feeling good, had another 30 minute session with her on the couch. I sit in meditation pose on the couch facing her usual position on the couch – when I did so there was a bright red cardinal in the bird feeder in the window. Had another great session. I’ve decided to combine all three aspects of sessions – the prayer, focused talk with Irene and meditation – into a single session.
Things I say during meditation: "We are happy, we are joyful, we are complete, we are whole, we are comforted, we live in grace and love, we are here for each other, we are eternal, we are always together, we are adventurous, we are funny, we delight in each other and in all things around us, we are mysterious, we are strong, we are light, we are in heaven, we are in each other’s heart and mind, we have faith. I love you Irene, you are with me always."
I love you Irene, Irene you are with me always – I put these and more on a separate page I’ve saved. On wheel of Fortune Vanna came out in what looked like Irene’s black & floral dress she was always wearing, then a “Mummy” trailer came on – the first one of those I’ve seen where Tom Cruise says “I’ve seen her. She’s real.” I started an exercise routine today to get my body more fit, my circulation better, to feel healthier and have more energy for the purpose of being able to better communicate with Irene.
I've realized that I'm "all in" on this adventure; it's not enough for me to just "get over" the pain and grief and go on having a normal life and doing meditation and talking with Irene - I want to actually see her in hyper-real clarity while I'm still on this side. I want to actually leave my body and really visit her. If it doesn't happen that's fine, but that's what I want and that's what I'm going to strive for. I figure even if I don't achieve that goal everything I'm doing is ultimately for the good and may even help some others trying to cope with the grief of losing a loved one.
June 8, 2017 Thursday - Voice & Telepathy
June 8, 2017 Thursday - Voice & Telepathy
Finished the day of well yesterday, woke up in kind of neutral state, skipped the morning session because I just didn’t feel it, recited my new “us” prayer and mantra phrases while walking the dogs and immediately felt more connected and happy. Did my exercises, sat down to work feeling positive and happy and connected to Irene.
While working I’ve been talking to Irene and repeating my new mantras, and I’ve been experiencing this ecstatic joy and happiness and total connection to her for a long time. It feels insanely good, bringing tears to my eyes and laughter – it’s like I cannot even contain it. It's crazy how good I can feel spontaneously just doing normal things.
It turned into one of those amazingly good, indescribable experiences. Later in the day I felt some fear and doubt creep in, so I sat down in the new pose (facing where Irene used to sit) and when I did saw a cardinal at the feeder in the window in front of me. I did about 15 minutes of the new meditation and crushed the negativity and felt awesome at the end.
Later I went to the store in town and got back, was really tired going into the evening and felt a crash coming, sat down in the pose and there was that cardinal again, and after 15 minutes of the new meditation I was happy and right as rain again!! For me this was confirmation on the adjustments I had made, and the commitment I have made to what I'm doing and how I go about doing it.
One of the things that I had become kind of upset about was reading some information that people on the other side don't use voice that much but rather use telepathy and I was sad that I wouldn't be hearing her voice. I got clear mental input from Irene telling me not to worry about whether or not I will be able to hear her voice "over there" – she said that even though it is telepathy, it will be even more beautiful and sweet, 10x better than hearing her voice, with clarity and purity from her to me.
One of the things that I had become kind of upset about was reading some information that people on the other side don't use voice that much but rather use telepathy and I was sad that I wouldn't be hearing her voice. I got clear mental input from Irene telling me not to worry about whether or not I will be able to hear her voice "over there" – she said that even though it is telepathy, it will be even more beautiful and sweet, 10x better than hearing her voice, with clarity and purity from her to me.
That meant a lot to me. Strange how seemingly trivial things can cause such an issue.
June 9, 2017 Friday - Overthinking Everything, Part 2
June 9, 2017 Friday - Overthinking Everything, Part 2
Woke up feeling good, had a great 15 minute session. I'm feeling really positive that this new session technique lets me contact Irene very intimately any time I want or need and blow out all fear, sadness, pain, doubt or negativity that might be creeping in on me and put my mind and heart in a good place for a very good duration. I can also repeat the new mantra words any time I start sensing any negativity creeping in or just when I want to feel closer to her.
I had to do 2 more sessions as I found myself sliding down, and while those sessions “normalized” me and I didn’t slide down into a grief session, they didn’t seem as powerful as the first times.
I had to do 2 more sessions as I found myself sliding down, and while those sessions “normalized” me and I didn’t slide down into a grief session, they didn’t seem as powerful as the first times.
However, Irene let me know that this was like other things in our life, where all I have to do is not stop us from going forward, but just do what I can to stay on the train and keep going forward as best I can. I know that the really good state of existence/experience for me here can happen at any time – I don’t “make” it happen and cannot “force” it to happen, just like I could not make or force any of the blessings in our life and the satisfaction and beauty of our relationship when she was physical to occur. It’s about going forward in faith and love. I actually felt really good in the hour or so before I fell asleep.
June 10, 2017 Saturday - Letter From Irene
This morning I woke up and went directly to work – something I had told myself yesterday was what I needed to start doing because that is how I’ve always been able to work well and feel satisfied about it. I got up feeling very good, and just felt better and better as time went by. I’m going to write myself a letter to read back to myself whenever I start going wonky to reinforce the fact that when I start feeling that way, it is not an illusion or a self-deception that I have experienced long runs of time where I am absolutely happy, whole, fulfilled, joyful, and feel totally, ecstatically connected to Irene.
June 10, 2017 Saturday - Letter From Irene
This morning I woke up and went directly to work – something I had told myself yesterday was what I needed to start doing because that is how I’ve always been able to work well and feel satisfied about it. I got up feeling very good, and just felt better and better as time went by. I’m going to write myself a letter to read back to myself whenever I start going wonky to reinforce the fact that when I start feeling that way, it is not an illusion or a self-deception that I have experienced long runs of time where I am absolutely happy, whole, fulfilled, joyful, and feel totally, ecstatically connected to Irene.
We can absolutely find an ongoing state of being, her in that world and me in this one, for as long as I am still here, where I feel blissfully connected to her and full of love, joy, and light, motivated with purpose and value and meaning. I am not kidding myself, fooling myself or misrepresenting the sensations and feelings. The experience is real and apparently when I go wonky I do not have the ability to recall those feelings, so I need to write myself a letter about it.
I started writing myself a letter, then I was overwhelmed and felt that Irene wanted to write me a letter because she wouldn't let me start it off with "Bill", but insisted I start it off with "Lover", which is what she always called me, and this is what came out:
I started writing myself a letter, then I was overwhelmed and felt that Irene wanted to write me a letter because she wouldn't let me start it off with "Bill", but insisted I start it off with "Lover", which is what she always called me, and this is what came out:
Lover,
There is a blissful, happy state that you have felt several times since I left the physical. During these times you feel 100% connected to me, without any doubt, grief, fear or sorrow. During these times you feel so joyful, complete and connected with me it is indescribable and makes our hearts explode with love and completeness and clears away all doubt. It is something that your mind cannot accept when you are feeling bad and it tries to persuade you out of your knowledge and memory of this. You know how these negative feelings and entities try to hurt and confuse us when we are moving forward – don’t let them stop you! You’re doing great! We are on this train together in “perfect accord”. I will never, ever leave you. You know this – you are my soul mate, baby, my always. Our reality is better than the fantasy! I am so proud of you, lover. I know it is hard but this is going to get better and better, easier and easier – I promise! - Irene
I have felt so happy today since that letter.
Ivori called me and told me she had a dream about Irene, that Irene was sitting crosslegged in a field of flowers, smiling almost laughing, with a wreath of flowers on her head and had her arms open to Ivori. She’s going to tell me more tomorrow.
I’ve been seeing this cardinal and another orange-beaked bird flying in unison to the feeder right outside the window today, getting food, then flying off together. I looked the other bird up and apparently it’s a female cardinal, just one like I’ve never seen before. This is the first day I’ve seen them fly in together, eat together and leave together – it’s the only way I figured out that other bird must be a cardinal. I think it’s Irene’s way of showing me that we are together and working together and are in “perfect accord”.
As Robert, Shanna and Khloe left, one of those black and yellow “Irene” butterflies flew a couple of feet in front of us across our path. I haven’t seen one in days.
June 11, 2017 Sunday - At Least I Didn't Crash
I didn’t get enough sleep, so started the day off not really feeling good and kind of dragged all morning. It’s 3:00 p.m. and I’ve already needed a couple of sessions. Ate a little too much at lunch but it didn’t drag me down or make me tired – it was just tofu, stir-fry veggies, rice & guacamole.
As Robert, Shanna and Khloe left, one of those black and yellow “Irene” butterflies flew a couple of feet in front of us across our path. I haven’t seen one in days.
June 11, 2017 Sunday - At Least I Didn't Crash
I didn’t get enough sleep, so started the day off not really feeling good and kind of dragged all morning. It’s 3:00 p.m. and I’ve already needed a couple of sessions. Ate a little too much at lunch but it didn’t drag me down or make me tired – it was just tofu, stir-fry veggies, rice & guacamole.
After feeling so good yesterday it’s so bizarre to me that I can now feel so vulnerable, doubtful and freaking pitiful. Not a full blown grief session, but kind of in the “normal” zone and dipping down a bit, which is when I do a session. This sensation makes it hard to work. I start feeling like I’m missing something and I feel anxious, fearful and slightly upset.
June 12, 2017 Monday - Another Day Under The Belt
I felt better than yesterday most of the day, I think I just got tired at the end and got a little wonky. Gerra visited. Talked about what we’re going through with regard to our feelings about Irene. It's nice to have someone to talk openly about it.
Did my sessions. I actually like doing them. I remember back in my Sant Mat days I hated meditating - I would basically have to force myself to meditate. I have difficulty focusing, but I still want to meditate, and I feel like I'm doing what I need to.
June 15, 2017 Thursday - You Don't Have To Be In Pain To Show Me You Love Me
June 12, 2017 Monday - Another Day Under The Belt
I felt better than yesterday most of the day, I think I just got tired at the end and got a little wonky. Gerra visited. Talked about what we’re going through with regard to our feelings about Irene. It's nice to have someone to talk openly about it.
Did my sessions. I actually like doing them. I remember back in my Sant Mat days I hated meditating - I would basically have to force myself to meditate. I have difficulty focusing, but I still want to meditate, and I feel like I'm doing what I need to.
June 15, 2017 Thursday - You Don't Have To Be In Pain To Show Me You Love Me
Wow, two days gone by and I didn’t write! That’s a first. The good news is that I’ve been on a pretty even keel, with multiple 15-minute sessions a day and pretty busy days. I visited a friend of mine that lost his son some time ago and had a good talk about grief. Couple of the key things that have come to me the past couple of days:
#1 – I cannot force or work my way into a more clear interaction with Irene or into having more of those intense good experiences – that is up to God. What I can do is do my new session routine, which is a 15 minute combination of talking to Irene, praying and focusing/meditating on my manifestation key phrases at my “third eye” location, and do it for several reasons – to sit down with Irene and talk and listen; as a preventative; as a manifestation technique; as prayer; to help when I feel like I’m in trouble. This is the work I do to achieve my goal; it doesn't deliver the goal. Only God can do that.
#2 – I do not have to feel pain in order to show Irene that I love her. She told me this while I was sitting at work one day and I had a charged emotional reaction to it, bursting into tears. It appears that realizing this has had a very good effect on me. I do not have to worry about feeling normal; feeling normal is not a betrayal of my love for her. She knows this – she wants me to feel normal, happy, joyous, whole. She doesn’t want me to suffer. Being normal doesn’t mean I’m “moving on” from her, forgetting her, letting her go, or any of those things whatsoever because that will never happen. Our relationship will continue to grow and get better and better going forward, but psychologically I realize I have, to some degree, in some weird way, been using emotional pain to show Irene how much I love her, to still feel physically connected to her. There are other ways to show her this that are much better and far healthier.
One of my problems is that in our new situation I’m not taking care of her, and that’s what our relationship had been for a while – that has been my identity for a while, taking care of other people, but especially her. I had a clear path on how to show her physically how much I love her, but now that dynamic has changed dramatically – much as it has changed over various different situations we found ourselves in during her life here. We always found a way to adjust and get through even the most difficult and radical of changes, and we will find our way through this, but I have to let go of the old dynamic.
I posted a picture of the drawing that appears in Irene's coffee every day since she passed on Facebook. It looks like a blooming flower to me. It's the same drawing, every day.
I posted a picture of the drawing that appears in Irene's coffee every day since she passed on Facebook. It looks like a blooming flower to me. It's the same drawing, every day.
June 17, 2017 Saturday - Gaining Confidence
Had a great day yesterday and having a great one today so far. Little bit of a breakthrough in realizing that when I do a session I either immediately or eventually feel this emotional surge in my heart which I have mistaken for pain but it’s not – I think it’s how I’m sensing Irene now, and along with that emotional sensation a small portion of it is pain and sorrow that I think is just automatically generated by my physical/psychological addiction to her.
By closely monitoring the experience and going through it gradually I realize there’s a lot of joy and happiness and closeness to her, I just have to learn to separate the two and get over/past the pain part. It leaves me feeling very satisfied and happy. I’ve been staying pretty much at normal or above the past few days even though they have been very tiring, active and draining with several trips into town and several kids staying over. I’m actually enjoying it more and more and feeling less and less “removed” from Irene during these visits and when getting tired/drained.
I'm feeling more confident about my ability to move forward and better deal with any withdrawal/grief episodes in the future. Being able to accept feeling "normal" and the message about releasing pain appear to be actually sinking in. It's one thing to intellectually accept something and another thing entirely for that knowledge to sink into your body and heart and be a part of who you are and what you do. Sometimes it takes a while for the knowledge to become an actual part of you, your feelings and behavior.
However, I notice I feel this momentary panic/gagging sensation in my throat at times when certain stray thoughts about Irene and our life here crosses my mind. There's no emotional pain, just a sense of gagging and slight panic. It lasts for a second or two. I need to figure out what that's about.
June 18, 2017 Sunday - Finding Irene's Old Journal
By closely monitoring the experience and going through it gradually I realize there’s a lot of joy and happiness and closeness to her, I just have to learn to separate the two and get over/past the pain part. It leaves me feeling very satisfied and happy. I’ve been staying pretty much at normal or above the past few days even though they have been very tiring, active and draining with several trips into town and several kids staying over. I’m actually enjoying it more and more and feeling less and less “removed” from Irene during these visits and when getting tired/drained.
I'm feeling more confident about my ability to move forward and better deal with any withdrawal/grief episodes in the future. Being able to accept feeling "normal" and the message about releasing pain appear to be actually sinking in. It's one thing to intellectually accept something and another thing entirely for that knowledge to sink into your body and heart and be a part of who you are and what you do. Sometimes it takes a while for the knowledge to become an actual part of you, your feelings and behavior.
However, I notice I feel this momentary panic/gagging sensation in my throat at times when certain stray thoughts about Irene and our life here crosses my mind. There's no emotional pain, just a sense of gagging and slight panic. It lasts for a second or two. I need to figure out what that's about.
June 18, 2017 Sunday - Finding Irene's Old Journal
It was a long day yesterday, Robert, Gerra and Micheal pulled boxes out of the attic and were going through it upstairs. I had asked them to do it upstairs because I didn't want to have an adverse reaction like the last time.
They found Irene’s old journal that has entries in it from a month before we met to 2-3 months after we met. Reading that was such a beautiful experience, I think Irene planned this out. To see what she said in her own private thoughts about me and what was going on just before and then when we first met wasn’t new – she had told me all this before – but it just made it so real and brought me back to those first days of our time together her. I got my old journal out to compare the two.
When we met it was unlike anything either of us had ever experienced – it was like we were waiting for each other and longing for each other our whole lives without even realizing it. There was a empty, sad, lonely place in each of us no matter who we were with and no matter how much anyone else said they loved us. Then we met, and suddenly everything utterly changed for both of us. Within 5 days we were totally and completely in such deep, total love that was more like a reunion than it was a beginning - she was writing about us getting married and how it felt like she had always known me, about how deep in love we were, about how complete and whole she felt with me. I wrote the same thing in my journal. I gave up all pretense of being kind of aloof from the world and dove into a relationship with her and the kids. This from two people that had been hurt and disappointed repeatedly. We both had two failed marriages behind us.
It was like we created and lived in an entirely different world when we were together, a magical fantasy world where time stopped and all bullshit was stripped away and nothing else mattered except looking at each other, listening to each other, and touching each other. It’s why we always held hands and throughout our lives and always sat right next to each other with my arm around her or our hands on each other’s legs – we had to be with each other as much as possible.
When we got together, it didn’t matter how tired or exhausted we were out in the world, when we were together suddenly we came alive and were energized. We rarely slept in those early days. When we were together we couldn’t sleep – we had to talk, look at each other, hold each other, kiss, make love. When we were apart all we could think about was each other.
I’ve read the passages like three times in a day and it’s affecting me too much right now, I’ve got to process it and make sure it helps me going forward with our new relationship. One thing it has done is plant some serious certainty in my heart and mind that we are absolutely soul mates and have an overwhelming, all-encompassing, magical, super-powerful love for each other and I know that nothing, nothing can ever keep us apart for long. We knew nothing whatsoever about each other and were both longing for each other deep in our hearts our whole lives, each trying to find something to fill it, never succeeding until we found each other and became whole.
Together we found that sense of wholeness, completion, and complete peace and satisfaction that had eluded us before we met. We often said over the last few years that we were both ready to die, that we had won this challenge, no regrets, no desires left unfulfilled. We found our complete fulfillment in this life after we found what we were missing before - each other.
June 19, 2017 Monday - Clairsentience
June 19, 2017 Monday - Clairsentience
Had some trouble in the evening yesterday, but by the time I went to sleep I was pretty good and fell right to sleep. Woke up this morning and felt sad (about a 4 on the scale where 5 is normal).
Was drinking some coffee with Irene and watching a little TV before our morning session when she pulled another commercial switch, this time during live TV. I was watching Catfish (one of our favorite shows) and couldn’t jump forward because it wasn’t a recorded show, and just as it ended I realized I had been watching that Honda “perfect Accord” commercial again, and I wanted to make sure it was that commercial, flipped back 10 seconds and it was an entirely different commercial. I couldn’t get that perfect accord commercial to play again. The effect it had on me was an amazing transformation, very, very good emotionally. I am so happy now and feel so complete and connected to Irene.
I’ve decided that I must be what is called “clairsentient”, in the sense that I can emotionally connect to her. She and I both have known for years that I feel the actual physical and emotional states of others and become very affected when I interact with people, which is why I’ve always found interacting with people so tiring and draining and why I usually avoid it. I had a very emotional, long talk with a family member yesterday that I am so glad we had, but they definitely has some very strong emotions they're dealing with and I think that I pick up on those feelings and state of mind quite a bit – even when they're not here.
It happened again – the commercial thing – and Robert was off work early and here to see it as it happened! We were watching “What on Earth” science show and they played the Perfect Accord commercial, and I had told him what happened earlier and asked if he wanted me to back it up to see if it would play again; he said yeah, and we tried it several times but it played a different commercial. We didn’t see the Perfect Accord commercial again.
I just remembered that earlier I was asking Irene if she thought it would be a good idea to do a blog - obviously the answer is, “perfect accord”, so I'll be starting a blog and transcribing these entries into it.
June 20, 2017 Tuesday - The Angry Tirade Drive Into Town
June 20, 2017 Tuesday - The Angry Tirade Drive Into Town
Had a good morning, nice session, then I started getting weird about the time I was going to drive into town to get some chores done. On the way into town I just went off in an angry tirade about being weak and sad. Nothing like going for an angry tirade drive where you can just scream and shout to your heart's content and don't have to worry about anyone overhearing you.
In a nutshell, I’m just over it already. This is not who first met Irene; this is not who she fell in love with. This weak, sad guy is not the man Irene deserves. I’m sick of so many thoughts and feelings running through my head and heart that are not mine.
Throughout our life together we both had to become different people in order to cope with what was going on. We had to adjust our psychology and habits. There’s nothing wrong with that – it’s a good thing to be able to adjust in order to be able to develop our relationship with regards to changing conditions, events, and life situations. The more situations you love each other through, the stronger the bond.
However, the life situation I adjusted to for the past several years doesn’t exist any more. I’m not the caregiver anymore. Mother and Irene are on the other side now and do not require my care. Irene is no longer sick and she no longer needs me to be that Bill. That Bill is poorly suited to lead a life that isn’t centered around taking care of someone he loves while they battle a debilitating terminal illness. It’s time to man the heck up and boldly stride into my new role. Time to change my psychology, my habits, my thinking. The lifestyle I led before was what was best for that situation. How I saw myself and how I contextualized my existence was what was best for that situation; but we are no longer in that situation.
For f**** sake, I’m a good man. I’m a great guy. I want to stride into heaven with my head held high and my arms raised in victory! I don’t want to crawl around asking for help. I want to greet Irene as a man she is proud to call hers, a man worthy of her love, her faith, her magic, her grace, her strength, her beauty. I’m five times the man I was when we met, it’s just buried under my “caretaker, G-pa Bill” persona. F*** that s***. I’m going to be the Bill she first met, again, only better, stronger, more confident, and without all the mental baggage I had back then.
I’m not by any means “moving on”, I’m going forward with Irene but it’s time to once again become the man she fell in love with, admires, respects, and is wild about – old man body or not. I am so, so, over it, baby. It’s time to leave that old relationship behind and embark on the new- when I get over there, I want you to beam with pride!!! I want our reunion to be the stuff of legend and renown. I’m through with being pitiful.
So a couple of hours after I went through and wrote the above, Gerra came up and we talked, and I was able to talk about Irene & her journal and what I went through earlier without getting all choked up. 6:00 came and went and I felt completely different. I still feel completely different. Something appears to have changed.
June 21, 2017 Wednesday - The Tide Turns?
So a couple of hours after I went through and wrote the above, Gerra came up and we talked, and I was able to talk about Irene & her journal and what I went through earlier without getting all choked up. 6:00 came and went and I felt completely different. I still feel completely different. Something appears to have changed.
June 21, 2017 Wednesday - The Tide Turns?
Wow, still felt completely different when I woke up. Got a little irrationally concerned that I had broken something or messed something up because I felt so unemotional. I realized that if we are actually embarked on a new form of our relationship, the thing to keep in mind is that a lot of it before was actually bittersweet - love infused with pain and sorrow and a kind of forlorn, longing nostalgia (which started even before she died.) I started getting hints of our new relationship, though, and it is just like I felt before that I have commented on when I experienced those times of grace the past couple of months – a happy, joyful, playful love without pain, sorrow or longing.
Just did a session with Irene, not because I needed to relieve pain, or had to in order to help prevent pain, but because I wanted to! No forlorn longing. No grief or sadness – I just wanted to be with my wife and listen and do my part in establishing and understanding our new relationship. And it was great! Any time there was any hint of sad or negative emotions I was immediately able to cast them out with my new persona/attitude of being the man Irene deserves and the man I want to be.
Casting out the pain and longing doesn’t mean casting out the deep connection, the love, or the intimate relationship; I just realize that there’s no room, no need and no reason for that in our relationship. It doesn’t mean I forget about or dismiss or ignore our life here, but rather that I put it in its proper perspective – it’s not who we are now. Just as “who we are” changed over the course of our lives here, it has once again changed. What we have now is great and should be completely embraced. I felt so freaking energized at the end of the session and have felt her with me – my partner, my lover, my confidant, my best friend, my wife, my soul mate – since. Yes, I feel emotion and tear up, but not out of sadness – rather, joy, love, heartfelt union with my woman.
And then I spent several hours fighting against encroaching negative emotions – fighting against them angrily. I prayed a good non-pain-based prayer. The fight has left me feeling pretty good but really tired.
June 22, 2017 Thursday - We've Got this, Babe.
June 22, 2017 Thursday - We've Got this, Babe.
Well okay, after pain and sorrow kicked my ass all last evening and today, I’ve come to the tentative realization that I’m just going to have to endure it at times. It's just physical withdrawal. I’ll have some good times, some bad times, and just as the bad times have lessened their degree over the past couple of months, they’ll hopefully continue to lessen, and over time I’ll be able to have more and more normal and good times and increase my connection to Irene and be able to think of her and remember her with less pain and sorrow attached. The thing is, though, now I know I will survive the bad times and I know they will in fact go away and I will in fact experience joy and happiness again.
Felt pretty good for a while this evening, had a good session, started realizing how blessed I am and how much I have to be grateful for. I know my soulmate and spent 27 years with her in an amazing, loving relationship; I know where she is; I know she still exists and is always with me, listening to me, helping me, protecting me; I know some of what the afterlife is like, and it’s fantastic; I have one of the greatest families ever; I have loved ones who truly care about me; I have an absolutely fantastic home and job that grant me freedom and comfort; I have, really, everything I could ever want or need. I am in a perfect place to do what I am doing now.
More than that, I have been so incredibly, unbelievably blessed to have experienced the blissful, joyous states of love and wholeness and absolute connection to Irene that I experienced for two weeks after she passed. I am also so blessed to have personally witnessed so many times where Irene showed us she is here with us. All these experiences have given me sturdy anchors for my faith in times where I feel what might otherwise be overwhelming sadness and grief. Even though such heartbreaking sensations can come regardless of faith and knowledge and experience otherwise, having those anchors in my mind give me great comfort and resolute hope. I know that over time, such feelings will subside and give way to more and more of the positive experiences, interaction and relationship with my fairy queen angel, Irene.
We’ve got this, babe.
June 23, 2017 Friday - Spirit Family
What a good morning! My morning session was more about being so appreciative of all the amazing blessings I have in my life. I read over my prior entries as I’m putting them up on a blog and I realized I’ve lost like 10 lbs in 2 months. I’m still feeling very good and appreciative, been talking with dead family all morning. That's one of my new things - acknowledging and talking to other dead relatives. Hey, I can use all the help I can get.
So it’s 1:00 pm and have been feeling sooooo good all day, chatting away with Irene and the other family spirits while I work and putter around the house and I started feeling sad. I started telling myself that is was fine, it’s okay to go through sad times, they’ll pass and everything will be fine again, Irene will still be here, my family will still be here, my loved ones on the other side will still be here, at some point I’ll once again feel that wholeness and joy.
I was walking toward my office with sad tears in my eyes and suddenly one of our dogs, Pico, looks at me funny and steps into my path apparently wanting some attention, which was totally out of character. I knelt for a few minutes and petted him and he was looking around and at me sort of oddly. I sat down in my office and all the lights and ceiling fan went off, which meant it was a breaker outside. It felt like a very weird series of events. Since I was going out there I took a branch lopper to prune some of the rose bush that was by the breaker because later on my grandson was going to be doing some work on the house there. I pruned the rose bush and reset the breaker and came back in – and my sad mood was magically gone! I feel good again! I thanked my spirit helpers and went back to work.
June 24, 2017 Saturday - Tweaking Intentions
Felt normal to good all day with only a couple of minor, 15 second bouts of sadness. I had 3 sessions today. This is becoming a standard pattern for me. One early in the morning, one around noon, and another around 6pm.
From all the information I have gathered by reading websites about the afterlife and watching videos and combining that with what I knew already, I decided that some of my session intention needed to be tweaked; I no longer intend to “raise” my vibration level, but rather to put my physical body and thoughts on “sleep” or “stand-by” mode while I focus on activating my spiritual senses. I think this concept is much more accurate to what I’m actually trying to do. I'm always looking to make my intentions and prayers more direct, accurate and simple.
June 25, 2017 Sunday - What Else Would I Do?
June 23, 2017 Friday - Spirit Family
What a good morning! My morning session was more about being so appreciative of all the amazing blessings I have in my life. I read over my prior entries as I’m putting them up on a blog and I realized I’ve lost like 10 lbs in 2 months. I’m still feeling very good and appreciative, been talking with dead family all morning. That's one of my new things - acknowledging and talking to other dead relatives. Hey, I can use all the help I can get.
So it’s 1:00 pm and have been feeling sooooo good all day, chatting away with Irene and the other family spirits while I work and putter around the house and I started feeling sad. I started telling myself that is was fine, it’s okay to go through sad times, they’ll pass and everything will be fine again, Irene will still be here, my family will still be here, my loved ones on the other side will still be here, at some point I’ll once again feel that wholeness and joy.
I was walking toward my office with sad tears in my eyes and suddenly one of our dogs, Pico, looks at me funny and steps into my path apparently wanting some attention, which was totally out of character. I knelt for a few minutes and petted him and he was looking around and at me sort of oddly. I sat down in my office and all the lights and ceiling fan went off, which meant it was a breaker outside. It felt like a very weird series of events. Since I was going out there I took a branch lopper to prune some of the rose bush that was by the breaker because later on my grandson was going to be doing some work on the house there. I pruned the rose bush and reset the breaker and came back in – and my sad mood was magically gone! I feel good again! I thanked my spirit helpers and went back to work.
June 24, 2017 Saturday - Tweaking Intentions
Felt normal to good all day with only a couple of minor, 15 second bouts of sadness. I had 3 sessions today. This is becoming a standard pattern for me. One early in the morning, one around noon, and another around 6pm.
From all the information I have gathered by reading websites about the afterlife and watching videos and combining that with what I knew already, I decided that some of my session intention needed to be tweaked; I no longer intend to “raise” my vibration level, but rather to put my physical body and thoughts on “sleep” or “stand-by” mode while I focus on activating my spiritual senses. I think this concept is much more accurate to what I’m actually trying to do. I'm always looking to make my intentions and prayers more direct, accurate and simple.
June 25, 2017 Sunday - What Else Would I Do?
During my session this morning I saw this swirling light as if it was a moon and dark clouds were rotating around it, partially covering it up. It lasted a full minute or two. Easily envisioned Irene curled up with me on the couch, she gave me a kiss which popped a big smile on my face. I feel really good this morning.
Wow. I was just listening to Eben Alexander’s account of his NDE [see the link in the sidebar "A Neurosurgeon's Journey through the Afterlife"] and he talked about seeing a “slowly spinning white light”. That’s the first time I’ve ever heard an NDEer say the light was spinning – the light I saw earlier was more like moonlight, but it wasn’t anything like anything I’ve ever seen before when meditating. By the way, when I meditate I see all kinds of stuff – moving forms and blobs, what looks like the outlines of some kind of architecture, patterns, things that I’ve always thought were probably “floaters” in my eye, etc – stuff that’s not in my mind, but rather I’m actually seeing with what I think are my eyes even when they are shut. I always thought this was normal, but have recently found out via reading afterlife materials that most of it is not.
I got to thinking about something Gerra and I were talking about before, about how all the events in my life seem to have lined up towards creating a perfect situation, both internally and externally, for doing what I’m doing now – exploring the possibility of continuing a relationship with a loved one that has crossed over. From my various spiritual studies and activities in my youth, to my writing (two published books on philosophy), to my knowledge of the internet and having run blogs and social media, being an artist, to working at home and having no real pressures or interruptions as I pursue this, to having a supportive family and a real, genuine interest in such things, and most importantly having a soul mate whom I am totally committed to on the other side. It just seems like so many things were set up perfectly for me to do this.
I was discussing this with Irene about whether or not this is what I should do – write a blog and perhaps a book – about trying to maintain and develop our relationship. At some point I realized that this is actually all my life can be about from here on; advancing our relationship and that writing and talking about it actually helps me actualize it, and might help other people. The idea of a life that is not centered around expressing my overwhelming love for her and continuing our wonderfully complete and multifaceted, amazing relationship is a laughable proposition; there is literally no other course I can embark on with any enthusiasm, love or joy.
I was discussing this with Irene about whether or not this is what I should do – write a blog and perhaps a book – about trying to maintain and develop our relationship. At some point I realized that this is actually all my life can be about from here on; advancing our relationship and that writing and talking about it actually helps me actualize it, and might help other people. The idea of a life that is not centered around expressing my overwhelming love for her and continuing our wonderfully complete and multifaceted, amazing relationship is a laughable proposition; there is literally no other course I can embark on with any enthusiasm, love or joy.
A couple of family members and I were watching a recorded show and I was skipping through commercials and the red dot X appeared like when I try to pause it after changing a channel – it won’t pause for a few seconds. The red dot X appeared and I couldn’t skip forward even though I was on a recording. It stopped me on the Honda Accord commercial. I asked them “did you see that? It stopped me from skipping ahead!” I skipped back 20 seconds and it was the same Honda accord commercial. It played through, there was a long dark pause, and it started up again! We let it play through, skipped back, and there was an entirely different commercial on. I skipped back several times and instead of Honda Accord commercials, there was a whole series of other commercials. I skipped back again and the Honda Accord commercial was playing – we played it through and when it ended we saw the end of one of the other commercials. It was if the Honda Accord commercial was playing on top of the other commercials and there was still some of the other ones left at the end.
I said, “you guys saw that, right? Right?” and one of them said “Yeah, that was weird”. The other started trying to come up with some kind of electronic data explanation. “Oh come on,” I said, mostly to myself. What does it take?
As time went by I found myself somewhat frustrated by their lack of enthusiasm and wonder at what had just occurred. It was like they didn’t want to think about it much, didn’t want to validate that Irene had just basically performed an amazing, seemingly impossible event right in front of them.
I wonder if people are afraid of believing false things or appearing foolish if they validated such events as messages and signs from God or from loved ones on the other side? I wonder if people might be afraid of talking to the “dead” because it might look odd or invite mockery or condescension? I mean, it’s not like I talk openly to my soul group while the family is around. Perhaps that’s something I need to work on myself – normalizing talking to the departed and validating their presence even while others are here. It just seems like I would be forcing something on them they'd just as soon not have to deal with.
Perhaps people just want to move on in an attempt to get past the pain? That may be the only way they can cope, and talking to the dead in front of them might only drive them away.
When I took the dogs for their last evening walk a firefly got right in front of my face as were were coming inside and just hovered there for a while lighting on and off.
June 26, 2017 Monday - Watching Over Me
Perhaps people just want to move on in an attempt to get past the pain? That may be the only way they can cope, and talking to the dead in front of them might only drive them away.
When I took the dogs for their last evening walk a firefly got right in front of my face as were were coming inside and just hovered there for a while lighting on and off.
June 26, 2017 Monday - Watching Over Me
I had such a good day yesterday! I am feeling better and better, more and more confident in our new relationship, in the tools I have to handle emotional problems and in my new life direction. What else can I do but follow and pursue what I really love? Last night I started missing Irene and I said out loud, “I’m starting to feel sad and missing you, baby.” … and it was like someone just waved their hand and removed it from me. I told Irene what I experienced, and validated it and thanked her. It was amazing! I probably don’t have to actually tell her out loud like I do, but I love talking to her out loud anyway and it can’t hurt.
I was also thinking last night about how much time I spend meditating and what I'm actually trying to accomplish – making that hyper-real contact with Irene and heaven that NDEers and other spiritual practitioners talk about. I want to spend more time actually meditating for that purpose. This morning I meditated 40 minutes. I usually meditate 2-3 times a day. My body is still getting used to the meditation pose and I think my diet and exercise will help me to be able to sit in that pose for longer periods. I've had to adjust the pose and now I use pillows to make it more comfortable and give me a better posture while sitting.
When I took the dogs out for their morning walk, I had paused with them out by the street and was looking back towards the crepe myrtle on the downhill side and the female cardinal flew in and set down in a position that was open to my line of sight through a circular opening in the tree limbs and leaves. It was staring straight at me, then looked down as its mate, the bright red cardinal (they are the ones that feed by the living room window all the time) swooped in and was on the ground pecking around for either food or nest material. As he did his business the female stayed on that perch right above him, looking down at him, then up at me, then down at him, then up at me. It looked like she was watching over him and telling me that Irene is doing the same for me. When he was done, he flew off towards what I suppose is their nest in the magnolia tree and she immediately followed after him.
Irene did another commercial trick while Ivori and Emanuel were here and we all validated her. That was more of the kind of appreciation and acknowledgement I wanted to see out of the family, but I understand that different people look at things different ways.
Meditated about another hour while I waited for my car to be serviced at Jeff Hunter. Felt myself getting sad a couple of times and later cried, missing Irene terribly. It was sadness, not grief, and I kept telling myself and her “It’s okay, we’ll get through it, it’ll pass, it gets better every day. I can just suddenly feel better for no reason, or tomorrow I may wake up and feel great. It doesn’t matter, it will all be okay. I still know you’re here, I still know I’ll at least see you and hold you again when I die, if not before.” I fell asleep sad, but given the events of the day I chalk it up to either picking up someone else's emotional state or continued withdrawal pains.
June 27, 2017 Tuesday - Facebook Post
Although I have some concerns about doing it, the decision immediately makes me feel great. Not just good, but great! Suddenly I’m extremely happy and can feel Irene all around me. I feel totally connected to her and all my sorrow mentality is just gone. I feel totally energized. I’m laughing and playing with her and making funny comments I know she’d enjoy. It’s so bizarre how I can move from one frame of mind to the other so quickly and so easily.
June 27, 2017 Tuesday - Facebook Post
Woke up today feeling neutral and blah. Wasn’t sad or happy. Had a dream that basically assured me that at times I was in fact feeling the emotions of others as if they were my own. In the dream there was this amazing miniature robotic horse that I (playing the role of someone else in the dream) had stopped to marvel at while I was driving around with a child I was babysitting. It was a pretty clear dream, and I almost never remember my dreams - well, at least before Irene crossed over.
Didn’t feel like meditating or praying, which immediately made me feel guilty. I meditated restlessly for about 30 minutes, apologized for not doing it longer that morning and went in to do some work. While doing work the next door neighbor came over and said that the air conditioner/heater unit I had ordered for the back apartment had been delivered to his house last night and he just found it when he came out to go to work. I wouldn’t have even heard him knock had I been meditating and I would have missed him - no telling how long that unit would have been sitting out there had I not gone to the front office to work.
After getting some positive feedback from my sister, Gail, and my daughters Ivori and Gerra, I decided to go and make a facebook post about the blog, basically committing myself to it. I have been transcribing posts for about a week but no one knew about it.
After getting some positive feedback from my sister, Gail, and my daughters Ivori and Gerra, I decided to go and make a facebook post about the blog, basically committing myself to it. I have been transcribing posts for about a week but no one knew about it.
Although I have some concerns about doing it, the decision immediately makes me feel great. Not just good, but great! Suddenly I’m extremely happy and can feel Irene all around me. I feel totally connected to her and all my sorrow mentality is just gone. I feel totally energized. I’m laughing and playing with her and making funny comments I know she’d enjoy. It’s so bizarre how I can move from one frame of mind to the other so quickly and so easily.
I feel like this is what I'm supposed to do.
June 28, 2017 Wednesday - What An Amazing Woman
June 28, 2017 Wednesday - What An Amazing Woman
Woke up feeling really good, got a good session in this morning. One of the things I’m trying to keep in mind is that it is not necessary to feel like I’m in constant contact with Irene. It’s perfectly fine to continue on doing things in life in a normal way without constantly envisioning her with me or having a conversation with her. There’s no need to feel guilty or like I’m failing her or forgetting her if I actually concentrate on other things for awhile. We will have our time every day where I can talk with her or envision her or just “feel” her presence, and hopefully there will be a time when I can actually experience her in perfect clarity.
Joined a couple of grief groups on Facebook and made a post in each, then started reading. Afterward I had to cry – I think I took on some of their pain, and these people are in serious, unrelenting despair and agony. I came away very, very grateful for all of the grace, protection and love that god, Irene and others have given me from the other side, as well as the support from the kids and grandkids. I’m not experiencing anything near what many others experience; mine comes in doses, sometimes long doses, but I’ve also had a lot of time where I feel great, whole and complete. In other words, while I know what grief feels like; I don't know what it feels like to go months or even years in that kind of unrelenting pain. I don't know that I could endure it.
I had a really good 2nd meditation session. I meditate for about 30 minutes at a time now – that’s about as long as I can go without my legs falling asleep and going uncomfortably numb. Maybe I should look into getting a chair, like a recliner, specifically for meditation?
I found some old letters/cards I wrote Irene – I guess the kids found them going through stuff and left them on the top of Irene’s dresser because I just found them yesterday. Reading through them I remembered how many psychological/relationship issues and challenges we faced together, each of us with our own self-destructive tendencies, our defensiveness, our habit of interpreting everything through the lens of what our prior spouses did; and also through the lens of our own pain and disappointments. The notes and letters helped me remember how we would lie in bed at night talking things out, soothing each other’s frayed edges, finding ways to work through and get over what seemed at times to be insurmountable problems.
That’s something that continually made me fall deeper and deeper in love with Irene – of all the people I had ever met up to that point, she was the only one who would actually take ownership of her own issues. She had a chip on her shoulder the size of a boulder when we met, but for me – for me! – she let herself become vulnerable and open to change. She could see that I really loved her. She would actually think about things I said. I’d never seen anything like it before, it was absolutely incredible. She saw me do the same for her – realizing many times that she was absolutely right about my own flaws and shortcomings. The thing is, we both wanted to be better, and to do better, for each other.
When I think of all that she endured before I even met her – the death of her Mother, a step-father she loved like a father, and her son, Jamie; then watching her endure the death of her biological father … I frankly don’t even comprehend that much strength, especially knowing how deeply Irene feels things and how much she loved those who departed. How does anyone not only endure that much pain, but then go on to be so loving, caring, sweet and joyful? And then even when cancer comes back? She would brighten the day of everyone at Texas Oncology every time she went there for her treatments. She would make their day. God, what an amazing woman!
June 29, 2017 Thursday - I Can't Wait
That’s something that continually made me fall deeper and deeper in love with Irene – of all the people I had ever met up to that point, she was the only one who would actually take ownership of her own issues. She had a chip on her shoulder the size of a boulder when we met, but for me – for me! – she let herself become vulnerable and open to change. She could see that I really loved her. She would actually think about things I said. I’d never seen anything like it before, it was absolutely incredible. She saw me do the same for her – realizing many times that she was absolutely right about my own flaws and shortcomings. The thing is, we both wanted to be better, and to do better, for each other.
When I think of all that she endured before I even met her – the death of her Mother, a step-father she loved like a father, and her son, Jamie; then watching her endure the death of her biological father … I frankly don’t even comprehend that much strength, especially knowing how deeply Irene feels things and how much she loved those who departed. How does anyone not only endure that much pain, but then go on to be so loving, caring, sweet and joyful? And then even when cancer comes back? She would brighten the day of everyone at Texas Oncology every time she went there for her treatments. She would make their day. God, what an amazing woman!
June 29, 2017 Thursday - I Can't Wait
Last night I realized I needed to change some of my habits when I fall asleep. I need to give more time to “falling” asleep so I can spend some quiet time talking with and listening to Irene as I fall off to sleep. That was always one of our favorite times to talk, but I think I’ve been afraid of provoking sorrow before going to sleep. Last night I fell asleep talking to her and it wasn’t bad at all – a little sadness at the start, but soon I had that semi-conscious sensation and it was really pleasant talking to her as I drifted off.
Another thing that I’ve been thinking about for a couple of weeks now – and trying out – is to find things to talk with her about. New things. I don’t want our discussions to be so centered around me and my needs and whatever it is I’m feeling, but more about fun things, happy things, the future, the children, grandchildren and our great-grandchild, what our lives will be like in the afterlife, what we’re going to do, what she’s doing there now, what we’re going to do once I get there, etc. I’ve done some researching on what afterlife lives are like and have put some resources in the sidebar to let others find that information. I want to feel more like I’m contributing to Irene’s happiness and joy rather than depending on her to provide mine as I go through this.
I want to write down more exactly what my daily routine is and what I actually do when I pray and meditate. I don’t know if that will help others, but maybe it will. Several weeks ago a pastor came by the house and gave me some really good advice about prayer – make it heartfelt, not obligatory, and always have gratitude in your heart if you can.
1. I speak to and thank all those on the other side I feel may be helping. Some days I speak specifically with certain individuals about our lives together, what they meant to me, how much they helped me, fun memories, etc.
2. I do a long prayer - about 20 minutes or so - praying for grace, love, joy and protection for all of those on the other side, naming each one and calling out those who I think are helping but whose names are unknown to me; I pray grace, love, joy, protection, good health and financial security for everyone in my family and for friends, calling each by name and also pray for others and groups of others, like the FB grief support groups. Last I pray for the same things for myself, but also pray for strength, focus, motivation, guidance, etc. I pray for God to encourage my path of visiting with my wife on the other side and helping others here coping with the death of loved ones.
3. I mediate for @ 30 minutes, usually 3 times daily. I usually do a prayer of protection and guidance followed by a clear statement of intent. I then use that time to focus on affirmation phrases and/or envisioning/listening to Irene. My focus is at the third eye spot; I usually sit in a lotus position with pillows helping my posture and supporting my knees.
4. I talk to and acknowledge spirit individuals out loud all day long if possible.
A few days ago I joined a coping with grief Facebook group, and after posting and reading a few of their posts I realized I had to be careful about participating there. My heightened empathic nature was immediately flooded with heartbreak for the people there. What they have experienced so far is so, so much worse than me because I was so blessed with those first two weeks of happiness and I’ve had several incredible experiences and events to hold on to during the dark times. I don’t see how several of those guys can make it day to day with what they are going through. I hope I can offer some of them some hope and help.
It’s a good morning! I feel pretty good this morning. Last night I began to doubt whether or not I should do the blog because if I do get some people reading it and it helps them, then I’ve got a rather big responsibility on my hands. This morning I feel okay about it and posted a message with a link to the blog. Whatever happens happens, I’ve got to do the blog anyway as a means of focusing my thoughts and efforts towards the good and finding a path for our transdimensional relationship.
Later: OMG what a great day I’m having today!!! Ivori and Emanuel came out and Emanuel did some work in my yard for me while Ivori tried to set up our phones with a new service plan. Had a great time talking with her. Later Gerra and Jace came for a visit from Austin , then Jessica and my cutest in the world great-grandchild Khloe came over. I thought I might start slipping into panic mode but it was alright, I could feel Irene telling me (again) when I stepped out to walk the dogs that I don’t have to worry about doing our sessions on a strict regimen, that it was okay to simply be around family and focus on them when I’m around them. I positive talked myself up some that it was okay to be a father and a grandfather today and not a grieving lover/husband. Irene reminds me that I don’t have to feel pain to show her I love her, and that one way to show her is to be “about” the kids and grandkids when they are around. I love them all so much! And the great thing is, they actually understand, accept and support what I’m doing. I’m one of the most blessed men on Earth.
Robert and Shanna joined the group and I was so happy to see everyone there – I knew Irene was loving it right along with me. Later, after some of them went home, Robert was telling me about they were looking forward to family movie-going times and coming over and cooking on Sundays when Game of Thrones was on and that made me so happy.
When Robert left Gerra and I were talking about Irene and the “shrine” I had made her and how it seemed to her that the area where the “shrine” was seemed to have been made just for that purpose. Our house is a big old 1922 Texas 2-story home with 11’ ceilings and whole walls in each room are “bay” window walls. Separating two of the living rooms is a folding wooden door that we kept closed and I painted a mural on one side – the side where we all watch TV. Shanna had taken Irene’s old broken bed parts (the one she had when we first met, the bed we spent years together in and eventually broke) and had made this bench that we set down in front of that mural and kept various nick-knacks and sentimental cards on, along with vases of flowers I would get her. She had strung Christmas lights around the mouldings of that doorway (old 1920’s moulding) because she liked having those lights year round. For whatever reason when I painted the mural I had left this big area at the top nothing but blue sky and some clouds.
I got several pictures of Irene, and Irene and I at our wedding made into these square “Mixtiles” that you can hang and re-hang and hung 8 of them in two rows in that blue sky.
With the Christmas lights on and surrounding the background mural and those pictures, the the dark wood ornate bench Shanna made, and the various other sentimental items for Irene and the fresh flowers I keep in a big vase in the middle of the bench, and a poem and an artistic fantasy version of Irene I had made for her years ago, it seemed to us at that time that this is exactly what all of this was always for and meant to be. It was perfect. I’ve included a picture:
While we were talking about the process of keeping Irene in our lives, Gerra said something about “I can’t wait” in regards to my wanting to see Irene via my prayer/meditation practices, (which I had been describing to her) which I found interesting because the song “I can’t wait” popped in my head a few weeks ago, and the song expressed my feelings about how I can’t wait to join Irene. I would keep saying “I can’t wait, baby!” to her when I would get genuinely excited about it. I had found and downloaded the song and the strange thing is that it would always pop in as a kind of background music many times when I would be envisioning her and I together or when I meditated. Every morning when I woke up that song would be in my head – and none of these times it felt like I was the one initiating that music – I felt like it was being played for me.
I had watched a small part of the music video on You Tube to make sure I got the right version, but a few days ago it turns out I had a kind of remix version and I preferred the original – I had found the original MTV version of the song on YouTube and watched about a minute of it. I told Gerra about all this after she said “I can’t wait” and found the original music video on Youtube and played it again. She seemed interested in the video (she loves to examine and analyze music videos) so I let it play. It’s a very crazy video, but at one point here are the lyrics:
You know I love you
Even when you don’t try
Hey darling, when you look into my eye
Please tell me, you’ll never have to say goodbye
If you don’t watch the video, it seems to be pretty straightforward, but in the video when the girl sings “when you look into my eye” she touches the “third eye” space between her eyes on her forehead and these symbols – triangle and lightning bolts – appear there. The “third eye” is well known to all practitioners of spiritual meditation as the doorway to the higher spiritual worlds and where you focus during meditation. It’s where I focus my attention when I meditate. We were stunned. The lyrics also directly address what I had just gone through that day - "You know I love you Even when you don't try" - when I'm focused on other things like the kids when they are over.
This was so crazy. I would never have watched that video if that song had never popped in my head weeks before and if Gerra hadn’t said “I can’t wait” in response to a conversation we were having. My goal by “looking into my eye” is exactly that … to never have to say goodbye, to always have access to her while I’m still here. That just verified for me everything that I’m doing - I felt it all through me emotionally.
June 30, 2017 Friday - Goofy Happy
This was so crazy. I would never have watched that video if that song had never popped in my head weeks before and if Gerra hadn’t said “I can’t wait” in response to a conversation we were having. My goal by “looking into my eye” is exactly that … to never have to say goodbye, to always have access to her while I’m still here. That just verified for me everything that I’m doing - I felt it all through me emotionally.
June 30, 2017 Friday - Goofy Happy
Woke up feeling great!! What a great, great day yesterday!!! I’m still charged up and so blown away by that video. I definitely feel like I’m on the exact right track. I do a 30 minute session after morning prayers, get up and go to work in my office, and for the next few hours I’m in bliss – I can feel Irene in my heart and head. I’m beyond happy, I’m goofy happy, complete and joyful, we’re cracking jokes and talking about stuff we’ve been through and are going through, we talk about yesterday. I play the “I can’t wait” song and it repeats by itself (even though my player is set to “randomize”). I stop it after the second play and applaud her for making it repeat. We have some more fun and I play the song again, but it doesn’t repeat, an Exile song starts up.
Now, Irene is a big Exile fan but I’m not. I think about stopping it but tell her “okay, but just this one, I’m not going to sit through an album’s worth of Exile songs. Anyway the guy uses the phrase “you’re so fine” … I probably have 200 songs and I don’t remember ever hearing that phrase – although I know it’s the name of at least one old song and in several – it’s just not in any of my songs that I play. The thing is, the first entry I made in my journal 3 days after I met Irene, I said the following after I talked about how much her attitude impressed me: “What I didn’t notice then was how pretty and fine she was.” It was completely unlike me then and now to use that term to describe a woman. That’s probably the only time I’ve ever done it. And this song just said it, immediately making me think of that journal entry.
We laugh about it and I tell here I’m so impressed and proud of her, but no, I'm not playing any more Exile songs, and after a little while she tells me to stop working and go make breakfast for Gerra and Jace who have spent the night. I want to continue working but she is insistent, telling me to do what you know you should instead of what you think you have to do. Well that always trumps my arguments so I go in and start making bacon, scrambled eggs and biscuits.
As I’m leaning over the sink washing something while cooking, the “I can’t wait” song is playing in my head and Irene makes me realize that the song is from her perspective – that she can’t wait until I "walk in the door", that she can’t wait for me to talk to her and tell her what is on my mind, and when I look her in the “eye”, I’ll be able to tell her I’ll never say goodbye. It almost physically overwhelmed me how she expressed this to me. I was in tears with this strange but amazing emotion and looked up through the kitchen window.
Just outside the window we have a fig tree. Sitting on a branch right in front of me were two small grey birds I didn’t recognize but it looked like one had a cardinal-like crown. Neither had orange beaks, though. I stood there staring wondering if they were cardinals (Irene and I had a long affinity to cardinals as being our spiritual “birds”, mine going back to elementary school). As I watched this bright red cardinal landed on the branch and began feeding the two smaller birds!!! I couldn’t believe it. The were baby cardinals from the male and female I’ve been seeing ever since Irene passed.
I immediately thought about what Irene and I had talked about the day before – that it was okay for me to be just a father and a grandfather at times and not her grieving husband. I was totally overwhelmed in love and gratitude and happiness. Had I not gone to make breakfast when she told me, I would never have seen it. OMG what a morning!!! I am so at peace, excited, I feel so whole and complete. I need to remember this feeling!!! To give me hope when I get to feeling bad.
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