Blog Posts: August 2017
August 1, 2017 Tuesday - Finding And Tuning Into My Happy Frequency.
Yesterday, I was looking at a picture of myself and Irene in a small frame on a dresser in the bedroom. The top of my head was cut off to fit the picture in the frame but I really liked it because she has such a sweet smile in the picture. I found myself wishing I had that picture but without it being so tightly cropped.
When I came into the office I felt a longing to look through some of our pictures that I have collected of the family that I haven't yet scanned in - there's quite a pile. I reached in to a bunch that were face down, picked them up and turned them over. There was the exact same picture at the top of 10 or 12 pictures I had picked up, except it wasn't tightly cropped - it was the full picture. That was amazing considering we have virtually no duplicates of any pictures and that was a stack of about 70 pictures. When Irene cropped a picture to put in a small frame, it was usually the only copy we had of that picture. It wasn't until the past couple of years that I started printing some duplicates out with a printer and I don't remember ever printing that one out.
Yesterday was a good day. At about 4:00 I decided to see if I could find some good videos to watch about "raising" your spiritual vibration. I dislike the term "raising" - seems kind of pejorative and judgmental. I prefer the term "tuning". I found some videos by Teal Swan and watched a few and the one on "raising" your vibrational level seemed about right to me. In her view, "raising your vibration" really amounted to no more than focusing on, thinking about and doing what makes you feel good and what makes you happy. Basically, you're tuning into what makes you happy. I found that refreshing and, unlike other information, it wasn't all about "loving unconditionally", becoming more empathic or kind in order to "raise" your vibration. Frankly that kind of framing doesn't do anything for me and leaves me entirely unmotivated.
Tuning into what makes me happy, however, is a challenge in my case; many of the things that might normally make me happy or feel good to think about or do can actually make me sad and unhappy now. That's one of the problems of having your main loved one die - thinking about our past, for example, can make me sad. Cleaning up the house or organizing it can make me sad. Music can easily make me sad. A lot of things that would normally be fun or enjoyable are now utterly meaningless to me and feel like a waste of time.
The thought occurred to me that I might be able to combine a couple of things from the past couple of days. First, Across the Unknown talks about using imagination to help us get out of the gate and start our path into the spiritual worlds. It doesn't matter if it's an accurate representation of what you will encounter - the point is to begin imagining being in or going to those worlds in some way. Combining that with Teal's perspective, I realized there was something I was already doing that made me happy and was an imagining of me in the next world: imagining/envisioning myself with Irene in our astral home.
This reinforced the value of such envisioning. When I think of Irene and I in the future together there is no sadness attached, it is only a happy experience. Last night when I lay down before going to sleep I did a deep and long envisioning meditation of Irene and I together in the astral world, not just in our home but doing other things. It made me so happy that I noticed at some point my face actually started hurting from smiling so much and so broadly. I could tell at times it was my imagination, which was fine and has an important role in what I'm doing, but at other times the images and scenes took over and it was very fluid and actually very vivid even for an envisioning. This is definitely something to develop further and it seems a great tool for pushing into the astral with imagination and for tuning me into my happy frequency.
Another thing I wanted to mention was that there was a post in Zammit's FB group about being able to access the Akashic record and being able to run Matrix-like experiences about anything that has ever occurred anywhere. IOW, you could "enter", with full consciousness and awareness, an Akashic Record of any time, location and perspective and do whatever you wanted in it - for example, you and your soul mate could spend a couple of weeks in Cancun or 1920's San Francisco or be present for big historical moments. Or you could visit other planets or stars. Talk about an endless opportunity for adventure and learning!
August 2, 2017 Wednesday - I Asked To Know, And I Got Shown
The weather got cooler today and it was raining. You'd think that'd help, but sudden changes in the weather was always something that put both of us in weird moods. I've gotten through the day okay with meditations and prayers and affirmations, but early I was highly unappreciative of my current situation and had to work myself towards a more appreciative perspective. I started watching some more spiritual videos and found myself appreciating the fact that I live in an age where all kinds of spiritual information and guidance is right at hand.
One of the things I've been puzzled about is why we (Irene and I) came here in the first place. I mean, with so many options available, why actually incarnate on Earth and go through the loss of memory, the limited perspective, the inevitable physical and emotional pain, the doubt, the fear, failing bodies, etc? The past few days I've become increasingly irritated by that question. Last night and this morning I was talking out loud under the premise that my spirit guides were listening, asking: Why don't you guys just tell me why I would come here? What possible reason could there be to incarnate physically in this world and endure what we must here? This is nonsense!
And also, what the heck am I supposed to do now that my soul mate is no longer here physically? To be honest, the only "purpose" I felt in life was what I felt in relation to being with Irene. Is my purpose now to share this story? To help others in some way through their grief or to maybe bring a few people in contact with spiritual teachings? To just "be here" for the kids and grandkids, helping them out whenever I can? To do my job - which is a great job, I admit, but is it a purpose to keep living for? None of it made any sense. I don't feel connected to any "spiritual advancement" and I honestly doubt I would come here for anyone other than Irene - so why would we come here? We can learn and grow on the other side. Maybe not as fast, but who cares? It's better than coming here.
If we planned this out, there must be a reason why I'm still here. It may be a reason I can't really understand from the perspective of this world. That's pretty much what I thought I'd have to be "satisfied" with. The ever-unsatisfying "it's beyond your current capacity to understand".
I watched a Teal Swan video that was talking about appreciation, and another about soulmates. My thoughts were drawn to something Irene and I had talked about many times - about how we were able to really appreciate each other so much because of what we had both been through before with respect to our two failed marriages (each). I often joked that I greatly appreciated her two exes because they set the bar pretty low. We were also able to deeply appreciate everything positive - no matter how small - that came into our lives because we had both experienced such lack in many regards. It made us very, very grateful for what we had - especially for what we had found in each other.
One of the things we kept in mind from something we had to work through early on in our relationship was to never take each other for granted - to be able to fully appreciate each other. Recently, when meditating, and visiting Irene, I often tried to think of things that we could do to keep our love at a high intensity on the other side because I wondered if lovers come to this world to forget each other in order to refresh the "newness" of their relationship by meeting again. I wanted to figure out how to avoid that so we wouldn't have to come here again.
One of the videos said that appreciation is the same vibration as love. It's the drawing into you of the thing you appreciate as a valued part of yourself. From experience, though, I know that nothing induces appreciation like lack or loss. When you gain a thing after a prior experience of knowing you lack that thing, you appreciate it more and that appreciation endures. Irene and I never took anything we gained in this life for granted - we lived in an appreciation of everything good in our life. The thing about true appreciation is how good it makes you feel when you can feel truly blessed and happy about a thing even though you've had it for a long time, because you will never forget what it was like to not have it in your life.
I mean, it thrilled Irene to be able to buy $2 flip-flops at the Dollar General. She loved having central heat in the winter. She was grateful for a roof that didn't leak. She never took any of it for granted.
So, once again I was wondering what would be of so much value that a perfectly sane spirit, in Heaven, would willingly choose to incarnate into the physical world, and I realized right then what it was. In order to truly appreciate what we have on the other side, we must know what it is like to not have it. There is no "theory" of "not having it", nor any "simulation" of "not having it" that can provide you the knowledge of what it is like to actually not have what we have in Heaven - the sense of connection, love, what all we have available to us there, the lack of entropy, the beauty, the joy, our idealized body state and health, a knowledge of our immortality - none of that can be truly appreciated, with any real meaning or value, until you you experience what it is like to actually not have those things.
The only way to do that is to come here, lose your memory of those things, and endure a mortal life without knowledge of those very fundamental and beautiful things - a life of profound spiritual lack, even if we have every comfort this world can provide.
Even more profound in generating an intense appreciation is the sense of loss. You're familiar with the saying, "you don't know what you have until you lose it". It's one thing to live and never meet your soul mate, then to return to heaven and be reunited; it's another to live for a time here without your soul mate, find them, spend some time in that kind of incredible union and then experience the loss of your soul mate. There's nothing that can possibly, indelibly carve appreciation for another into our hearts better than to have them, love them deeply and then lose them.
That realization swept all over me. I asked my spirit guides why I came here and why I remain here, and they led me to the realization in a way that I could really feel and understand. It's not to write this blog in particular or do my job or anything else; I chose to come here so that I could, for eternity, deeply feel appreciation for all that we have on the other side, and so that I would always have in my heart a profoundly deep appreciation for just how much Irene means to me. To obtain that, I would definitely have come here and endured this experience.
August 3, 2017 Thursday - The Effects Of The Answer?
I woke up this morning actually feeling satisfied and happy. I don't think I realized how big a weight that single unanswered question from yesterday has been weighing on me. In fact, it's something I realize now has been weighing on me my entire life - but I definitely see why it was important for me to not know the answer until now - to really, truly experience the lack and loss I came here to experience. Knowing that I came here for that reason changes everything in a fundamental way.
I can also now understand why some come here to experience truly horrible conditions and events. That sense of deep appreciation afterward is not something that can be faked or learned academically or through simulation. It all makes sense to me now.
I'm not saying this is the reason everyone comes here - I don't think that's the case by any means. But for me, it puts my life in a perspective were I can really understand it and accept it and see clearly why the things that have happened my life happened, why I would plan it out this way. It's really quite amazing looking at it in retrospect.
It's 3:00 pm. I wanted to let some time go by to give me some more time to feel how this is going since that question got answered. Everything feels different today. I don't know if it will last, but I was able to listen to music and not get sad. I haven't felt sad all day. I've felt really good. I haven't yet started to feel that kind of panicky pull that makes me stop everything to meditate or pray. I did my normal morning session and then another meditation around noon for no reason other than my desiring to do the work to be able to astral project and visit Irene. It was in no part about warding off pain, doubt or fear, or to calm down. Generally I start getting a little jumpy/weird every few hours and that's when I meditate or attempt an astral projection.
My meditation was really good - I was in that deep "relaxation vortex" I heard on a video yesterday. Yesterday and today I noticed something new in the gray/black stuff I see with my eyes shut; slightly lighter areas that seem to bloom and grow almost like watching someone paint with subdued light on glass from the back side. I've never seen that before. I felt like my energy body was ready to leave my physical body at any second throughout the meditation.
Also, it's been really easy to envision Irene today. I've been thinking about what it would be like to do this spiritual journey without the pain, sorrow, fear or doubt. More advancing towards what I desire, less running from what pains me. So far, so good!
August 4, 2017 Friday - Taking The Day Off
Today has been pretty strange. I think I must have picked something from somewhere - either a cold or someone's weird emotional condition. My voice was deep like when I get sick, and there were times when I felt like I was getting some nasal stoppage, but so far that hasn't materialized.
One thing after another kept interrupting everything I tried to do so at some point I just decided I wasn't going to fight against it - just take a day of and not try to analyze anything. I think some days are just "take the day off" days, and this is one of them. Took a nap and going to bed early. Hopefully I'll feel better tomorrow. Even though today wasn't all that bad, it was just a strange day to get through and I'm just too tired to parse any of it. It feels like maybe yesterday and to day were just days to let things percolate under the surface, let the universe do its thing, and don't worry about it.
August 5, 2017 Saturday - Percolated To Perfect Balance - At Least For Now
I went to sleep last night thinking about sleep and how it is the perfect vehicle for astral traveling and projection. You are already going into a deep, relaxed state prone to altered forms of consciousness; you are in a perfectly relaxed position where your body is safe for hours to come; and I've read where you actually do astral travel almost every night to speak with your spirit guides - but you don't remember it. Also, in my case, I've already had a couple of fully conscious vision events after falling asleep.
August 9, 2017 Wednesday - You Call That "Suffering"?
Well this hasn't been the greatest of days, but if this is my new "bad day", then I'll take it as huge progress.
For the past few days it's been very difficult to get meditation in. Here and there a really good one, but overall I've noticed it becoming more difficult, not easier. They've been deeper when I am able to get into it, but it's been a challenge. Today it's late and I haven't had a single good meditation today. Plus, I've felt totally out of sorts, moody and whiney. My brain felt like it was someone else's all day long. Maybe because of the weather lately? Who knows.
Woke up with something irritating my good eye and that lasted all morning. When you only have one functioning eye that kind of thing can be quite unsettling. Now my vision has been blurry all day. Just great.
I threw some stuff out for trash day tomorrow and did a lot of crying over it, but it wasn't really all that bad - I think I just wanted to cry for a while. Oh, the spirit team and Irene must have really loved listening to my bitching and whining at them all day long. I went from missing her badly to being pissed off that I've got to be the one to throw all this stuff out and suffer to being embarrassed at calling what I'm going through "suffering" compared to her battling cancer for almost three years. And losing a child, two fathers and her mother before that. Also, did I tell you, the first time she had cancer - before we met - she was on her own with three young children?
Seems a little ridiculous now to think of today as a "bad day". First world problems, eh?
Anyway, I'm going to watch a new movie I heard about yesterday - Astral City. Gerra's supposed to come up tomorrow so maybe I'll wait until she's here to rent it from Amazon. If it's good I'll put a link to it on my sidebar and tell you about it.
Hey, you know, I'm sorry in advance if, for the next several years, I don't have any astral experiences to report, but the thing is - that's how it might go. I'm not going to make anything up here or make mountains out of mole hills just to spice up the blog. It might be nothing but me whining and crying from now on. Geez. How depressing would that be?
Well, who knows. Maybe we'll get an experience here soon to write about.
August 10, 2017 Thursday - Rewriting History or Alternate Reality?
I read the past few entries and here's something weird I noticed. One day I have the best meditations I've had in a long, long time; two days later I'm writing that "for the past several days, I've been having trouble meditating". Okay, so that was literally not true, but yet that is actually what I remembered at the time.
Remembering when I was experiencing grief, even then I noticed that when I was experiencing it, at the time it seemed utterly real to me that I had always felt that way and always would. I would, at the time, be thinking it had been forever since I felt good, that I had been feeling miserable for days. I'd go back to the journal and discover to my shock that the day before I had felt great. The grief also made me believe that even if I had wrote down that I had felt great, that I must have been lying to myself.
This is so odd. I wonder if people who keep journals notice this kind of thing - a disparity between what they are thinking and feeling and what has actually been the case? This morning I feel great - full of confidence and a sense of knowing that Irene is here and that we will be fully together soon. I had a good meditation and prayer session and apologized to my spirit team for the moodiness yesterday.
I'm thinking, though, that it was more than just personal moodiness if I'm mentally editing or rewriting history to conform to my mental state. How is it that I remember something entirely different from what I wrote down? Was I remembering a different reality? Was I in a different reality for a day? It sure felt like it.
Irene and I have often talked about multiple realities - I don't remember if I've written any of that here in this blog yet. We started noticing that we had different memories of certain things and that they were causing us to have issues because we thought the other person was "wrong" or was trying to rewrite history in their favor - or worse, that the other person was deliberately lying. What we realized is that we really did actually remember it differently.
Then one day we were driving home from town and we were having a discussion about something that was turning into an argument and I realized that she had said something that didn't quite make sense in the context of what I thought the argument was about. I turned to her and asked her what she thought we were arguing about, and when she told me I realized we were arguing about two entirely different things. We backtracked what we remembered each other saying and realized that we were participating in two entirely different topics and hearing the other person say things that neither of us remembered saying - in fact, I distinctly remembered saying X and she would remember me saying something completely different that had to do with what she was talking about. And vice-versa.
From then on we realized that most of our disagreements came from one what we came to think of negative spirits manipulating things, such as our reality experience, in order to cause trouble between us. Instead of getting into an argument based on something we were sure the other person said or did, or a memory, we would express what we had heard, or saw, and remembered in a neutral fashion and then the other would express their view and most of the time any disagreement we had came from this bizarre disparity.
Negative spirits? Reality shift? Manifestation of some inner insecurity or negative thought? Or just a guy with a faulty memory having a bad day? Yesterday was really weird - I really felt like someone else all day long, but I do recognize that guy from experiencing him before. I need to try and stay on top of this to make sure it doesn't drag me off in a direction I don't want to go.
August 11, 2017 Friday - Our Rebellious Personality
Yesterday morning I had two good meditations, but I've still felt this heavy chest sensation at times, like emotional pain waiting to happen. It came up as a kind of panic attack in the afternoon, after which I asked the spirit team for some encouragement and in my mind I thought that I'd like to get something from the TV, like her name or something to give me assurance. I calmed down rather quickly, made some lunch and I decided to watch Dark Matter and, in an interesting plot twist, the maker of the ship's android had made the android in her image to house her consciousness. The android maker's name was Irena. I immediately validated and thanked Irene and the spirit team for the quick encouragement!
This morning I woke up feeling great. Gerra and I had a long discussion about all sorts of topics, including her mom, life after death, what we come here to learn, etc. We watched Astral City - it was okay, but it didn't particularly resonate with me. I have always had a problem with others telling me what reality is and have an instant inclination to rebel against any imposed, seemingly arbitrary ruleset. It seems to me that Astral City was a vision of the afterlife interpreted through a particular ideological mindset - a rather utopian, socialistic one.
At one point a young girl on the other side rebelled against the "moral authority," platitudes and rules and left Astral City to find the person she loved who was back on Earth, and I was like, "Yeah!!!" That's me. Only, I don't believe that a rejection of that reality norm means you end up in the "Umbrals", or purgatory, like the movie suggests.
I've been running across some info about reality creation and how it applies to the afterlife. This is something Irene and I were totally into - creating our own reality, manifesting our own world just for us. We talked about just that many, many times during our life together. I'm more convinced than ever that not only will I be able to visit Irene soon, but that we already have "our world" (so to speak) in the Astral realms and it is the perfect form of that which we replicated (as best we could) here.
I really do not plan on crossing over and "finding out" what afterlife existence there is like - and then have to fall in line with what "it" already is, but rather crossing over to the existence that matches our vibrational frequency and intentions. One that perfectly matches our rather rebellious and highly individualistic personality as a soulmate couple. What else could you possibly call "Heaven", other than an afterlife perfectly suited to your particular nature? The more I think about this, the more I know that that is exactly the nature of our relationship. Irene and I struggled with the world on its terms separately, but created our own world after we got together on nothing but faith and love. We validated each other so completely, and allowed each other to do as we wished, supporting every creative venture and decision.
I have read here and there about people using various recording apps on their iPads and cell phones to record messages from the afterlife. I have a couple of apps on my iPad I think would allow for fairly easy communication, so I'm going try those out to see if anything happens.
August 11, 2017 Friday (later) - How Deep Is Your Love?
Today the meditation was back to being really deep and giving me a "high", like a buzz. I also felt like my energetic inner body was trying several times to leave my physical body. What a great sensation - it left me feeling very good.
The meditations I use primarily now start with some controlled breathing and a mental focus on the patterns in the darkness in front of my eyes. Something that has helped me today is just setting aside any concerns about my legs or feet going to sleep - if they do, I'll just have to take a few minutes to get them working right. Apparently just that thought has dramatically changed my comfort level. Also, I don't worry about sitting straight up - a relaxed position leaning slightly back is fine. This has also apparently helped a lot.
After focusing on my sight, I have begun envisioning and imagining Irene's hand. I can actually remember the sensation of what it is like to touch her hand - what her skin feels like. Focusing on details like that, which usually lead to me being able to envision her entirely, have created some very powerful envisionings that have put me in very deep states of relaxation and a deep sense of connection to her. My main focus in doing this is employ powerful intentions for us to be together, so that universal mind is activated to bring that into reality.
Something that came into my mind this evening during meditation was the thought that Irene came here - at least in part - to experience something about me and how I felt about her. To use an old Bee Gees song title ... "How deep is your love?" I think that's the experience she wanted to have to hold onto forever in our life on the other side - being able to see and experience that I would be there for her no matter what, that I would fight through anything to stay with her and keep us together through all the challenges in our life ... and even after her death.
No doubt she was here for more than that, but I can see that as being the reason behind certain key aspects of the framework of our lives and some big experiences that occurred, including both when we met and how she left. It makes me feel good that we nailed it on both of those things - my reasons for coming here and at least a big one of hers.
We really did good! I feel like these experiences will really, truly enhance our afterlife relationship and experience. How could they not?
August 12, 2017 Saturday - More On "Alternate Realities"
I feel like I ought to explain a little about the "alternate reality" and "reality creation" stuff I've started talking about. Sometimes I forget to provide enough context for people I don't know to make sense of what I'm saying or writing about.
I have a couple of philosophy books - Anarchic Harmony and Unconditional Freedom - that were published in the mid-90's, both of which are out of print now. In those books I described breaking out of socially-constructed thoughts and beliefs and living fearlessly from your own perspective and how I believed the world around you would move itself around to accommodate you.
Well before I wrote those books, and before the car accident that should have killed us all (but which we stepped out of with very minor injuries), Irene and I were driving through the small country town we had met in on our way to the city for something and she suddenly told me to stop and back up. I backed up and we were in front of this enormous, beautiful old country home in the middle of town and she exclaimed "That's the house we're going to get married in!" As we drove on she said that she always dreamed (actual dreams, not daydreams) of living in a house like that with high ceilings and lots of rooms, and with (as she called them) "secret" rooms. She said we were going to live there and get married there.
Of course, at the time we were completely broke and struggling to get by day to day just for the bare necessities. Her faith, however, was unshakable. I've never met anyone with such powerful faith. This was shortly after we met and we had planned to get married in the summer. that same year. In my mind, it wasn't even possible for us to come up with a single month's rent on a place like that.
Pursuing her faith we met the woman who owned the house. She was trying to sell it and wasn't really interested in renting it. Apparently, I looked a lot like her departed, beloved husband when he was young, and he was also named Bill. This helped to convince her that if we could come up with the money to rent it she would rent it to us until she had a buyer.
Then we had the car accident, got a few thousand dollars in settlement and rented the house. We were married there on July 1, 1990. Just like Irene said. That's when I started writing.
During our time together I have seen this kind of miraculous confluence of events many, many times, where all these events would have had to have been set up in perfect alignment in order for something to work out for us. It kept happening throughout our life together. We came to think of it as moving through realities because we didn't think that one reality where everyone lived would bend itself around in such ways just to accommodate us, but rather it must be us that was moving through realities to those that provided what our faith and attention was focused on.
In physics, there is a phenomenon called observer or quantum collapse, where the observer is that which "chooses" the actual states of subatomic phenomena from a field of vibrational potential. There has been quite a bit written about this theory that included infinite alternate realities and timelines, where each choice we could have made is played out in another reality. Our consciousness, however, follows reality pathways according to (1) our focus/attention, and (2) the state of our "vibration", which is in tune with who and what we are at deep level.
It sounds like a bunch of new age stuff, but several of the fathers of modern physics believed that consciousness was the root of physical reality - that it, in fact, creates what we experience as physical reality. A lot of new age or modern spiritualities picked up on that and has incorporated those quantum theories and writings into their philosophies.
So, when I talk about Irene and I believing that we are moving through realities, that is the context. That is what we believed and that is how we lived our lives - that it was us and our vibrational state that was "creating" the physical world around us by choosing pathways through realities that could contain in them virtually anything as sequential experiences in our lives. We experienced multiple miraculous events that would be really difficult to explain in any ordinary view of reality.
So, what does this have to do with my attempts to contact and interact with Irene, and keep our relationship going strong? The confluence of events where I feel like I've been shown something to be true that is in concert with my desire that it be true, and then immediately getting support from external sources like books or videos or online information, has reminded me of our "reality choosing" or 'reality creation" perspective which had become ingrained and normal for us - taken for granted, even, so that it had become more of a background structure.
So I realize I can write things in this blog that make little sense unless one understands that background structure. Also, I find that I need to refresh myself on these views and start bringing back into focus some of the more conscious thought habits we had developed in our path of creating our own perfect little world here on Earth while we were together. We don't want to "find ourselves" in a spiritual afterlife that we must try and conform ourselves into. That's not who we are. I need to entirely stop trying to "figure out" what the afterlife is, and instead focus on and imagine what I want it to be for us.
We have almost always been in perfect accord on what we want together, and as time went by we were in perfect harmony with our wants and desires. She often said that when were were unified - on the same train, as she said - nothing could stop us from creating whatever we wanted. Now that we've gotten me through the worst of the experience of her dying, it's time to take a more proactive perspective and start once again creating our reality instead of me trying to "figure out" how to reunite with her via some supposed pre-existing spiritual ruleset or structure.
August 13, 2017 Sunday - Summer Blues
Today was a decent day. Got to badly missing Irene a couple of times, but I'm sure that will continue as long as it takes to see her again. I don't mind it, I embrace it. Nothing wrong with missing the woman you love. I tell her not to worry, that it's just the way it would be regardless of the situation if I didn't get to see her or hear her voice for months. Most of the time, though, I talk to her and the others just as normally as I would talk to anyone here, only there's no responses you can hear.
August 14, 2017 Monday - Pinterest, Encouragement & Validation
It's been a good morning. I prayed as if Irene was sitting next to me, holding my hand and praying along with me, and it was great! Then I had a good meditation/intention/affirmation where I easily envisioned us together. I spent time talking to Irene and my spirit team and realized I just need to keep talking to them, even if I feel like I'm whining too much, because talking out loud about all that is going on infuses my experience with a sense of reality about them, what we're doing, what we're trying to do, and the afterlife I envision. It makes it all more real for me to talk about it out loud, infusing it in all my daily activities. That's pretty important - to make it feel real to me. The normal physical world is unrelenting and pervasive, so I have to do whatever it takes to keep all of this fresh and infused in my consciousness and daily life.
Yesterday, I was looking at a picture of myself and Irene in a small frame on a dresser in the bedroom. The top of my head was cut off to fit the picture in the frame but I really liked it because she has such a sweet smile in the picture. I found myself wishing I had that picture but without it being so tightly cropped.
When I came into the office I felt a longing to look through some of our pictures that I have collected of the family that I haven't yet scanned in - there's quite a pile. I reached in to a bunch that were face down, picked them up and turned them over. There was the exact same picture at the top of 10 or 12 pictures I had picked up, except it wasn't tightly cropped - it was the full picture. That was amazing considering we have virtually no duplicates of any pictures and that was a stack of about 70 pictures. When Irene cropped a picture to put in a small frame, it was usually the only copy we had of that picture. It wasn't until the past couple of years that I started printing some duplicates out with a printer and I don't remember ever printing that one out.
Yesterday was a good day. At about 4:00 I decided to see if I could find some good videos to watch about "raising" your spiritual vibration. I dislike the term "raising" - seems kind of pejorative and judgmental. I prefer the term "tuning". I found some videos by Teal Swan and watched a few and the one on "raising" your vibrational level seemed about right to me. In her view, "raising your vibration" really amounted to no more than focusing on, thinking about and doing what makes you feel good and what makes you happy. Basically, you're tuning into what makes you happy. I found that refreshing and, unlike other information, it wasn't all about "loving unconditionally", becoming more empathic or kind in order to "raise" your vibration. Frankly that kind of framing doesn't do anything for me and leaves me entirely unmotivated.
Tuning into what makes me happy, however, is a challenge in my case; many of the things that might normally make me happy or feel good to think about or do can actually make me sad and unhappy now. That's one of the problems of having your main loved one die - thinking about our past, for example, can make me sad. Cleaning up the house or organizing it can make me sad. Music can easily make me sad. A lot of things that would normally be fun or enjoyable are now utterly meaningless to me and feel like a waste of time.
The thought occurred to me that I might be able to combine a couple of things from the past couple of days. First, Across the Unknown talks about using imagination to help us get out of the gate and start our path into the spiritual worlds. It doesn't matter if it's an accurate representation of what you will encounter - the point is to begin imagining being in or going to those worlds in some way. Combining that with Teal's perspective, I realized there was something I was already doing that made me happy and was an imagining of me in the next world: imagining/envisioning myself with Irene in our astral home.
This reinforced the value of such envisioning. When I think of Irene and I in the future together there is no sadness attached, it is only a happy experience. Last night when I lay down before going to sleep I did a deep and long envisioning meditation of Irene and I together in the astral world, not just in our home but doing other things. It made me so happy that I noticed at some point my face actually started hurting from smiling so much and so broadly. I could tell at times it was my imagination, which was fine and has an important role in what I'm doing, but at other times the images and scenes took over and it was very fluid and actually very vivid even for an envisioning. This is definitely something to develop further and it seems a great tool for pushing into the astral with imagination and for tuning me into my happy frequency.
Another thing I wanted to mention was that there was a post in Zammit's FB group about being able to access the Akashic record and being able to run Matrix-like experiences about anything that has ever occurred anywhere. IOW, you could "enter", with full consciousness and awareness, an Akashic Record of any time, location and perspective and do whatever you wanted in it - for example, you and your soul mate could spend a couple of weeks in Cancun or 1920's San Francisco or be present for big historical moments. Or you could visit other planets or stars. Talk about an endless opportunity for adventure and learning!
August 2, 2017 Wednesday - I Asked To Know, And I Got Shown
The weather got cooler today and it was raining. You'd think that'd help, but sudden changes in the weather was always something that put both of us in weird moods. I've gotten through the day okay with meditations and prayers and affirmations, but early I was highly unappreciative of my current situation and had to work myself towards a more appreciative perspective. I started watching some more spiritual videos and found myself appreciating the fact that I live in an age where all kinds of spiritual information and guidance is right at hand.
One of the things I've been puzzled about is why we (Irene and I) came here in the first place. I mean, with so many options available, why actually incarnate on Earth and go through the loss of memory, the limited perspective, the inevitable physical and emotional pain, the doubt, the fear, failing bodies, etc? The past few days I've become increasingly irritated by that question. Last night and this morning I was talking out loud under the premise that my spirit guides were listening, asking: Why don't you guys just tell me why I would come here? What possible reason could there be to incarnate physically in this world and endure what we must here? This is nonsense!
And also, what the heck am I supposed to do now that my soul mate is no longer here physically? To be honest, the only "purpose" I felt in life was what I felt in relation to being with Irene. Is my purpose now to share this story? To help others in some way through their grief or to maybe bring a few people in contact with spiritual teachings? To just "be here" for the kids and grandkids, helping them out whenever I can? To do my job - which is a great job, I admit, but is it a purpose to keep living for? None of it made any sense. I don't feel connected to any "spiritual advancement" and I honestly doubt I would come here for anyone other than Irene - so why would we come here? We can learn and grow on the other side. Maybe not as fast, but who cares? It's better than coming here.
If we planned this out, there must be a reason why I'm still here. It may be a reason I can't really understand from the perspective of this world. That's pretty much what I thought I'd have to be "satisfied" with. The ever-unsatisfying "it's beyond your current capacity to understand".
I watched a Teal Swan video that was talking about appreciation, and another about soulmates. My thoughts were drawn to something Irene and I had talked about many times - about how we were able to really appreciate each other so much because of what we had both been through before with respect to our two failed marriages (each). I often joked that I greatly appreciated her two exes because they set the bar pretty low. We were also able to deeply appreciate everything positive - no matter how small - that came into our lives because we had both experienced such lack in many regards. It made us very, very grateful for what we had - especially for what we had found in each other.
One of the things we kept in mind from something we had to work through early on in our relationship was to never take each other for granted - to be able to fully appreciate each other. Recently, when meditating, and visiting Irene, I often tried to think of things that we could do to keep our love at a high intensity on the other side because I wondered if lovers come to this world to forget each other in order to refresh the "newness" of their relationship by meeting again. I wanted to figure out how to avoid that so we wouldn't have to come here again.
One of the videos said that appreciation is the same vibration as love. It's the drawing into you of the thing you appreciate as a valued part of yourself. From experience, though, I know that nothing induces appreciation like lack or loss. When you gain a thing after a prior experience of knowing you lack that thing, you appreciate it more and that appreciation endures. Irene and I never took anything we gained in this life for granted - we lived in an appreciation of everything good in our life. The thing about true appreciation is how good it makes you feel when you can feel truly blessed and happy about a thing even though you've had it for a long time, because you will never forget what it was like to not have it in your life.
I mean, it thrilled Irene to be able to buy $2 flip-flops at the Dollar General. She loved having central heat in the winter. She was grateful for a roof that didn't leak. She never took any of it for granted.
So, once again I was wondering what would be of so much value that a perfectly sane spirit, in Heaven, would willingly choose to incarnate into the physical world, and I realized right then what it was. In order to truly appreciate what we have on the other side, we must know what it is like to not have it. There is no "theory" of "not having it", nor any "simulation" of "not having it" that can provide you the knowledge of what it is like to actually not have what we have in Heaven - the sense of connection, love, what all we have available to us there, the lack of entropy, the beauty, the joy, our idealized body state and health, a knowledge of our immortality - none of that can be truly appreciated, with any real meaning or value, until you you experience what it is like to actually not have those things.
The only way to do that is to come here, lose your memory of those things, and endure a mortal life without knowledge of those very fundamental and beautiful things - a life of profound spiritual lack, even if we have every comfort this world can provide.
Even more profound in generating an intense appreciation is the sense of loss. You're familiar with the saying, "you don't know what you have until you lose it". It's one thing to live and never meet your soul mate, then to return to heaven and be reunited; it's another to live for a time here without your soul mate, find them, spend some time in that kind of incredible union and then experience the loss of your soul mate. There's nothing that can possibly, indelibly carve appreciation for another into our hearts better than to have them, love them deeply and then lose them.
That realization swept all over me. I asked my spirit guides why I came here and why I remain here, and they led me to the realization in a way that I could really feel and understand. It's not to write this blog in particular or do my job or anything else; I chose to come here so that I could, for eternity, deeply feel appreciation for all that we have on the other side, and so that I would always have in my heart a profoundly deep appreciation for just how much Irene means to me. To obtain that, I would definitely have come here and endured this experience.
August 3, 2017 Thursday - The Effects Of The Answer?
I woke up this morning actually feeling satisfied and happy. I don't think I realized how big a weight that single unanswered question from yesterday has been weighing on me. In fact, it's something I realize now has been weighing on me my entire life - but I definitely see why it was important for me to not know the answer until now - to really, truly experience the lack and loss I came here to experience. Knowing that I came here for that reason changes everything in a fundamental way.
I can also now understand why some come here to experience truly horrible conditions and events. That sense of deep appreciation afterward is not something that can be faked or learned academically or through simulation. It all makes sense to me now.
I'm not saying this is the reason everyone comes here - I don't think that's the case by any means. But for me, it puts my life in a perspective were I can really understand it and accept it and see clearly why the things that have happened my life happened, why I would plan it out this way. It's really quite amazing looking at it in retrospect.
It's 3:00 pm. I wanted to let some time go by to give me some more time to feel how this is going since that question got answered. Everything feels different today. I don't know if it will last, but I was able to listen to music and not get sad. I haven't felt sad all day. I've felt really good. I haven't yet started to feel that kind of panicky pull that makes me stop everything to meditate or pray. I did my normal morning session and then another meditation around noon for no reason other than my desiring to do the work to be able to astral project and visit Irene. It was in no part about warding off pain, doubt or fear, or to calm down. Generally I start getting a little jumpy/weird every few hours and that's when I meditate or attempt an astral projection.
My meditation was really good - I was in that deep "relaxation vortex" I heard on a video yesterday. Yesterday and today I noticed something new in the gray/black stuff I see with my eyes shut; slightly lighter areas that seem to bloom and grow almost like watching someone paint with subdued light on glass from the back side. I've never seen that before. I felt like my energy body was ready to leave my physical body at any second throughout the meditation.
Also, it's been really easy to envision Irene today. I've been thinking about what it would be like to do this spiritual journey without the pain, sorrow, fear or doubt. More advancing towards what I desire, less running from what pains me. So far, so good!
August 4, 2017 Friday - Taking The Day Off
Today has been pretty strange. I think I must have picked something from somewhere - either a cold or someone's weird emotional condition. My voice was deep like when I get sick, and there were times when I felt like I was getting some nasal stoppage, but so far that hasn't materialized.
One thing after another kept interrupting everything I tried to do so at some point I just decided I wasn't going to fight against it - just take a day of and not try to analyze anything. I think some days are just "take the day off" days, and this is one of them. Took a nap and going to bed early. Hopefully I'll feel better tomorrow. Even though today wasn't all that bad, it was just a strange day to get through and I'm just too tired to parse any of it. It feels like maybe yesterday and to day were just days to let things percolate under the surface, let the universe do its thing, and don't worry about it.
August 5, 2017 Saturday - Percolated To Perfect Balance - At Least For Now
I went to sleep last night thinking about sleep and how it is the perfect vehicle for astral traveling and projection. You are already going into a deep, relaxed state prone to altered forms of consciousness; you are in a perfectly relaxed position where your body is safe for hours to come; and I've read where you actually do astral travel almost every night to speak with your spirit guides - but you don't remember it. Also, in my case, I've already had a couple of fully conscious vision events after falling asleep.
This morning I woke up feeling great, happy, and like I was perfectly balanced. I could feel the emotion and appreciation in me again. It's perfectly normal to miss Irene; I don't want that feeling to disappear. I like the feeling of anticipation and excited longing to see her, hear her and hold her, and my appreciation for when we are together, just like any time we were apart in life. My angst and rebellion is gone about why I'm still here - I perfectly understand and accept it as my decision. I had a long discussion with Ivori about everything on the phone yesterday and I think it helped me in integrating my answer into my life and ongoing relationship with Irene. Sometimes things do just have to percolate outside of our conscious understanding and control.
I've got my brothers and sister coming in around noon today. Hopefully this will go well, considering how good I feel right now.
August 6, 2017 Sunday - A Healthy Sense of Appreciation
Yesterday went really well. Spent about six hours with my siblings and their spouses and had a great time with no crash afterward. Sounds like progress!
Something I realized more last evening was that now I actually cherish the sensation of missing Irene at times - it no longer comes from a place in me as if I've lost her, but rather it comes from a place where it is sweet and anticipatory, like when she would be somewhere else for a while during her life. My sister asked me at one point if I felt her presence. Since I know she reads this blog, I want to answer her here: you can always tell when I don't feel her presence - that's when I'm kneeling by the side of the bed sobbing and praying. I feel her presence constantly in my heart and mind or else I couldn't continue to function.
When I miss her I am missing the ability to hear her, touch her, and see her and fully communicate and interact, but now I have a good foundation of knowing, throughout my whole self, where she is and that we will soon be fully together one way or another. It's become more integrated into me as a real thing, and so it seems that the emotions and grief experience that comes from a sense of loss and doubt and fear have at least greatly weakened and occur far less frequently.
Something else I realized while the family was here is that I've recovered my sense of feeling whole, fulfilled and complete. Even though Irene isn't here physically, some part of me knows that we are still together and I really can feel her presence - or else I'd be a wreck and I certainly wouldn't feel whole and complete. It's actually kind of nice, at this time, to feel that anticipatory longing and to miss her in this healthy way. To have a deep appreciation for her is the main reason I came here, so I'm embracing that "sweet sorrow" of being away from her physically for the duration.
Using that, I meditated this morning and envisioned Irene and I as if I was appearing on the astral plane and she was there to greet me, because that's truly what I want to happen. I don't think I need to imagine leaving my body and traveling there; I don't know how any of that works and, anyway, I find that tedious and boring. It has no emotional connection. I leave working out all the specifics and mechanics to my greater, energetic self and universal mind; what is most important is that I set intentions that resonate and have a powerful connection to my heart and desire. For all I care, I can just become aware in the middle of the night that I am appearing to her in the astral; how I get there or back isn't interesting, and besides, I already had two events where I just became fully aware after falling asleep. Might as well go with what has already worked for me.
The visualization/intention was very powerful! I feel this is a good way to go forward.
I had a good meditation later and feel very good about going forward - in fact, I have felt very confident today that at some point before I die I will in fact be able to visit her. I am seeing what we are doing, more and more, as continuing the creation of our afterlife existence and what it is like. I've been thinking today about what an afterlife home would be like - how one would design it, what rooms one would want and what you could do without - like a bathroom or a kitchen? If you can have any kind of home you want, would you even have walls? A roof? I don't know why you'd have those things if you're on your own tropical island in paradise. We could have our home on what amounts to a private island, with a waterfall, pools, view of the beach and ocean, etc. - no storms or rain or wind would harm anything. We could design flower beds and architectural elements and paths, viewpoint gazebos, etc. to our hearts content without ever having to lift a finger to maintain any of it because there would be no entropy.
That may sound really silly to some people, but that's one of the very first things Irene and I did after we met - design our home. It's something we enjoy together immensely.
August 7, 2017 Monday - Feeling Very Confident
Today has been a really great day so far. I woke up feeling fantastic - whole, complete, totally connected to Irene, happy, enthusiastic with our progress and confident we will soon be able to actually visit with each other. I did my morning meditation on the loveseat instead of the couch and it was immediately more comfortable than my couch position, my legs and feet did not go to sleep, and it was a very deep meditation. I was able to visualize a very good intention of visiting Irene with good emotional quality. It felt like I would, at some point, simply find myself with her in perfect clarity.
This confidence in us and our ability to make our reality come into being feel so good and is so different from what I was feeling before I got the answer to my "why am I here" question. I'm so very appreciative of my situation where I can pursue this goal to my heart's content without significant interference. It's really amazing that when you think that it's only been about 4 months and overall, on a daily basis, we do so good as far as my emotional balance and sense of direction and accomplishment in moving towards our goal. So much has happened along the way
The discussion of a "soul phone" came up in the Zammit group and I found a website where a group is actually working on that very thing right now. I take this as encouragement and a marker that we (Irene and I) are indeed moving towards the goal we desire.
Another meditation later, this one short, but still deep and such a good electric, light feeling, but at the same time it feels like I'm deep in the relaxation vortex. Another good intention visualization of Irene. I've been collecting images that I feel are like our home in the afterlife from image searches. At some point I'll collect them on a page here.
Later, another meditation, at the end of this one I feel like I'm on some sort of drug. High as a kite! Wow! Same electric sensation and deep relaxation vortex.
August 6, 2017 Sunday - A Healthy Sense of Appreciation
Yesterday went really well. Spent about six hours with my siblings and their spouses and had a great time with no crash afterward. Sounds like progress!
Something I realized more last evening was that now I actually cherish the sensation of missing Irene at times - it no longer comes from a place in me as if I've lost her, but rather it comes from a place where it is sweet and anticipatory, like when she would be somewhere else for a while during her life. My sister asked me at one point if I felt her presence. Since I know she reads this blog, I want to answer her here: you can always tell when I don't feel her presence - that's when I'm kneeling by the side of the bed sobbing and praying. I feel her presence constantly in my heart and mind or else I couldn't continue to function.
When I miss her I am missing the ability to hear her, touch her, and see her and fully communicate and interact, but now I have a good foundation of knowing, throughout my whole self, where she is and that we will soon be fully together one way or another. It's become more integrated into me as a real thing, and so it seems that the emotions and grief experience that comes from a sense of loss and doubt and fear have at least greatly weakened and occur far less frequently.
Something else I realized while the family was here is that I've recovered my sense of feeling whole, fulfilled and complete. Even though Irene isn't here physically, some part of me knows that we are still together and I really can feel her presence - or else I'd be a wreck and I certainly wouldn't feel whole and complete. It's actually kind of nice, at this time, to feel that anticipatory longing and to miss her in this healthy way. To have a deep appreciation for her is the main reason I came here, so I'm embracing that "sweet sorrow" of being away from her physically for the duration.
Using that, I meditated this morning and envisioned Irene and I as if I was appearing on the astral plane and she was there to greet me, because that's truly what I want to happen. I don't think I need to imagine leaving my body and traveling there; I don't know how any of that works and, anyway, I find that tedious and boring. It has no emotional connection. I leave working out all the specifics and mechanics to my greater, energetic self and universal mind; what is most important is that I set intentions that resonate and have a powerful connection to my heart and desire. For all I care, I can just become aware in the middle of the night that I am appearing to her in the astral; how I get there or back isn't interesting, and besides, I already had two events where I just became fully aware after falling asleep. Might as well go with what has already worked for me.
The visualization/intention was very powerful! I feel this is a good way to go forward.
I had a good meditation later and feel very good about going forward - in fact, I have felt very confident today that at some point before I die I will in fact be able to visit her. I am seeing what we are doing, more and more, as continuing the creation of our afterlife existence and what it is like. I've been thinking today about what an afterlife home would be like - how one would design it, what rooms one would want and what you could do without - like a bathroom or a kitchen? If you can have any kind of home you want, would you even have walls? A roof? I don't know why you'd have those things if you're on your own tropical island in paradise. We could have our home on what amounts to a private island, with a waterfall, pools, view of the beach and ocean, etc. - no storms or rain or wind would harm anything. We could design flower beds and architectural elements and paths, viewpoint gazebos, etc. to our hearts content without ever having to lift a finger to maintain any of it because there would be no entropy.
That may sound really silly to some people, but that's one of the very first things Irene and I did after we met - design our home. It's something we enjoy together immensely.
August 7, 2017 Monday - Feeling Very Confident
Today has been a really great day so far. I woke up feeling fantastic - whole, complete, totally connected to Irene, happy, enthusiastic with our progress and confident we will soon be able to actually visit with each other. I did my morning meditation on the loveseat instead of the couch and it was immediately more comfortable than my couch position, my legs and feet did not go to sleep, and it was a very deep meditation. I was able to visualize a very good intention of visiting Irene with good emotional quality. It felt like I would, at some point, simply find myself with her in perfect clarity.
This confidence in us and our ability to make our reality come into being feel so good and is so different from what I was feeling before I got the answer to my "why am I here" question. I'm so very appreciative of my situation where I can pursue this goal to my heart's content without significant interference. It's really amazing that when you think that it's only been about 4 months and overall, on a daily basis, we do so good as far as my emotional balance and sense of direction and accomplishment in moving towards our goal. So much has happened along the way
The discussion of a "soul phone" came up in the Zammit group and I found a website where a group is actually working on that very thing right now. I take this as encouragement and a marker that we (Irene and I) are indeed moving towards the goal we desire.
Another meditation later, this one short, but still deep and such a good electric, light feeling, but at the same time it feels like I'm deep in the relaxation vortex. Another good intention visualization of Irene. I've been collecting images that I feel are like our home in the afterlife from image searches. At some point I'll collect them on a page here.
Later, another meditation, at the end of this one I feel like I'm on some sort of drug. High as a kite! Wow! Same electric sensation and deep relaxation vortex.
August 8, 2017 Tuesday - No Desire for "Enlightenment" or "Advancement"
Another good day. I had to run into town to do some errands and had a nice talk with Irene about our lives on the other side. I'm thinking more in terms of what I imagine life would be like considering some of the circumstances I believe to be true about the astral worlds.
I was also thinking (and talking with my spirit team) about the idea of "spiritual advancement" and how that idea doesn't resonate with me in the least. When I was younger and felt discontent most of the time, I looked to spiritual "enlightenment" or advancement as a means of quenching that discontent. As I've mentioned, I used to meditate quite a bit and was doing so when Irene and I met. I was also a vegetarian, complete non-drinker and non-smoker and used no recreational drugs whatsoever.
However, it was actually being with Irene that gave me what I had always been looking for - complete satisfaction and fulfillment. We talked about this often, how utterly satisfied and complete our lives felt. Some people might equate that with boredom or death, but it wasn't like that. We enjoyed doing lots of things, but we were perfectly happy just sitting next to each other watching Wheel of Fortune for the 3,000th time. I realize that may be hard to imagine, but each time was like the first time. The tradition of it made it somehow even more meaningful to us.
And that's where I am now, even with Irene on the other side - once again feeling complete and fulfilled. I know she's there and I know we will be together again, and I know that in a very real way were are actually still together. I can sense her with me. Even with the sense of sorrow when I get to missing her, I still feel complete and fulfilled and in a larger sense, very very happy and fortunate.
So when people talk about enlightenment or spiritual advancement, I basically just shrug and think, for myself, why should I care? I've already found my "perfect place", fulfillment and my sense of completion. I have no desire to constantly want to be someplace else or in some other state. That seems utterly exhausting and a never-ending effort. I just want to smell the roses with my wife - for eternity. I can't imagine anything more heavenly than that, nor can I imagine it ever getting old.
Another good day. I had to run into town to do some errands and had a nice talk with Irene about our lives on the other side. I'm thinking more in terms of what I imagine life would be like considering some of the circumstances I believe to be true about the astral worlds.
I was also thinking (and talking with my spirit team) about the idea of "spiritual advancement" and how that idea doesn't resonate with me in the least. When I was younger and felt discontent most of the time, I looked to spiritual "enlightenment" or advancement as a means of quenching that discontent. As I've mentioned, I used to meditate quite a bit and was doing so when Irene and I met. I was also a vegetarian, complete non-drinker and non-smoker and used no recreational drugs whatsoever.
However, it was actually being with Irene that gave me what I had always been looking for - complete satisfaction and fulfillment. We talked about this often, how utterly satisfied and complete our lives felt. Some people might equate that with boredom or death, but it wasn't like that. We enjoyed doing lots of things, but we were perfectly happy just sitting next to each other watching Wheel of Fortune for the 3,000th time. I realize that may be hard to imagine, but each time was like the first time. The tradition of it made it somehow even more meaningful to us.
And that's where I am now, even with Irene on the other side - once again feeling complete and fulfilled. I know she's there and I know we will be together again, and I know that in a very real way were are actually still together. I can sense her with me. Even with the sense of sorrow when I get to missing her, I still feel complete and fulfilled and in a larger sense, very very happy and fortunate.
So when people talk about enlightenment or spiritual advancement, I basically just shrug and think, for myself, why should I care? I've already found my "perfect place", fulfillment and my sense of completion. I have no desire to constantly want to be someplace else or in some other state. That seems utterly exhausting and a never-ending effort. I just want to smell the roses with my wife - for eternity. I can't imagine anything more heavenly than that, nor can I imagine it ever getting old.
August 9, 2017 Wednesday - You Call That "Suffering"?
Well this hasn't been the greatest of days, but if this is my new "bad day", then I'll take it as huge progress.
For the past few days it's been very difficult to get meditation in. Here and there a really good one, but overall I've noticed it becoming more difficult, not easier. They've been deeper when I am able to get into it, but it's been a challenge. Today it's late and I haven't had a single good meditation today. Plus, I've felt totally out of sorts, moody and whiney. My brain felt like it was someone else's all day long. Maybe because of the weather lately? Who knows.
Woke up with something irritating my good eye and that lasted all morning. When you only have one functioning eye that kind of thing can be quite unsettling. Now my vision has been blurry all day. Just great.
I threw some stuff out for trash day tomorrow and did a lot of crying over it, but it wasn't really all that bad - I think I just wanted to cry for a while. Oh, the spirit team and Irene must have really loved listening to my bitching and whining at them all day long. I went from missing her badly to being pissed off that I've got to be the one to throw all this stuff out and suffer to being embarrassed at calling what I'm going through "suffering" compared to her battling cancer for almost three years. And losing a child, two fathers and her mother before that. Also, did I tell you, the first time she had cancer - before we met - she was on her own with three young children?
Seems a little ridiculous now to think of today as a "bad day". First world problems, eh?
Anyway, I'm going to watch a new movie I heard about yesterday - Astral City. Gerra's supposed to come up tomorrow so maybe I'll wait until she's here to rent it from Amazon. If it's good I'll put a link to it on my sidebar and tell you about it.
Hey, you know, I'm sorry in advance if, for the next several years, I don't have any astral experiences to report, but the thing is - that's how it might go. I'm not going to make anything up here or make mountains out of mole hills just to spice up the blog. It might be nothing but me whining and crying from now on. Geez. How depressing would that be?
Well, who knows. Maybe we'll get an experience here soon to write about.
August 10, 2017 Thursday - Rewriting History or Alternate Reality?
I read the past few entries and here's something weird I noticed. One day I have the best meditations I've had in a long, long time; two days later I'm writing that "for the past several days, I've been having trouble meditating". Okay, so that was literally not true, but yet that is actually what I remembered at the time.
Remembering when I was experiencing grief, even then I noticed that when I was experiencing it, at the time it seemed utterly real to me that I had always felt that way and always would. I would, at the time, be thinking it had been forever since I felt good, that I had been feeling miserable for days. I'd go back to the journal and discover to my shock that the day before I had felt great. The grief also made me believe that even if I had wrote down that I had felt great, that I must have been lying to myself.
This is so odd. I wonder if people who keep journals notice this kind of thing - a disparity between what they are thinking and feeling and what has actually been the case? This morning I feel great - full of confidence and a sense of knowing that Irene is here and that we will be fully together soon. I had a good meditation and prayer session and apologized to my spirit team for the moodiness yesterday.
I'm thinking, though, that it was more than just personal moodiness if I'm mentally editing or rewriting history to conform to my mental state. How is it that I remember something entirely different from what I wrote down? Was I remembering a different reality? Was I in a different reality for a day? It sure felt like it.
Irene and I have often talked about multiple realities - I don't remember if I've written any of that here in this blog yet. We started noticing that we had different memories of certain things and that they were causing us to have issues because we thought the other person was "wrong" or was trying to rewrite history in their favor - or worse, that the other person was deliberately lying. What we realized is that we really did actually remember it differently.
Then one day we were driving home from town and we were having a discussion about something that was turning into an argument and I realized that she had said something that didn't quite make sense in the context of what I thought the argument was about. I turned to her and asked her what she thought we were arguing about, and when she told me I realized we were arguing about two entirely different things. We backtracked what we remembered each other saying and realized that we were participating in two entirely different topics and hearing the other person say things that neither of us remembered saying - in fact, I distinctly remembered saying X and she would remember me saying something completely different that had to do with what she was talking about. And vice-versa.
From then on we realized that most of our disagreements came from one what we came to think of negative spirits manipulating things, such as our reality experience, in order to cause trouble between us. Instead of getting into an argument based on something we were sure the other person said or did, or a memory, we would express what we had heard, or saw, and remembered in a neutral fashion and then the other would express their view and most of the time any disagreement we had came from this bizarre disparity.
Negative spirits? Reality shift? Manifestation of some inner insecurity or negative thought? Or just a guy with a faulty memory having a bad day? Yesterday was really weird - I really felt like someone else all day long, but I do recognize that guy from experiencing him before. I need to try and stay on top of this to make sure it doesn't drag me off in a direction I don't want to go.
August 11, 2017 Friday - Our Rebellious Personality
Yesterday morning I had two good meditations, but I've still felt this heavy chest sensation at times, like emotional pain waiting to happen. It came up as a kind of panic attack in the afternoon, after which I asked the spirit team for some encouragement and in my mind I thought that I'd like to get something from the TV, like her name or something to give me assurance. I calmed down rather quickly, made some lunch and I decided to watch Dark Matter and, in an interesting plot twist, the maker of the ship's android had made the android in her image to house her consciousness. The android maker's name was Irena. I immediately validated and thanked Irene and the spirit team for the quick encouragement!
This morning I woke up feeling great. Gerra and I had a long discussion about all sorts of topics, including her mom, life after death, what we come here to learn, etc. We watched Astral City - it was okay, but it didn't particularly resonate with me. I have always had a problem with others telling me what reality is and have an instant inclination to rebel against any imposed, seemingly arbitrary ruleset. It seems to me that Astral City was a vision of the afterlife interpreted through a particular ideological mindset - a rather utopian, socialistic one.
At one point a young girl on the other side rebelled against the "moral authority," platitudes and rules and left Astral City to find the person she loved who was back on Earth, and I was like, "Yeah!!!" That's me. Only, I don't believe that a rejection of that reality norm means you end up in the "Umbrals", or purgatory, like the movie suggests.
I've been running across some info about reality creation and how it applies to the afterlife. This is something Irene and I were totally into - creating our own reality, manifesting our own world just for us. We talked about just that many, many times during our life together. I'm more convinced than ever that not only will I be able to visit Irene soon, but that we already have "our world" (so to speak) in the Astral realms and it is the perfect form of that which we replicated (as best we could) here.
I really do not plan on crossing over and "finding out" what afterlife existence there is like - and then have to fall in line with what "it" already is, but rather crossing over to the existence that matches our vibrational frequency and intentions. One that perfectly matches our rather rebellious and highly individualistic personality as a soulmate couple. What else could you possibly call "Heaven", other than an afterlife perfectly suited to your particular nature? The more I think about this, the more I know that that is exactly the nature of our relationship. Irene and I struggled with the world on its terms separately, but created our own world after we got together on nothing but faith and love. We validated each other so completely, and allowed each other to do as we wished, supporting every creative venture and decision.
I have read here and there about people using various recording apps on their iPads and cell phones to record messages from the afterlife. I have a couple of apps on my iPad I think would allow for fairly easy communication, so I'm going try those out to see if anything happens.
August 11, 2017 Friday (later) - How Deep Is Your Love?
Today the meditation was back to being really deep and giving me a "high", like a buzz. I also felt like my energetic inner body was trying several times to leave my physical body. What a great sensation - it left me feeling very good.
The meditations I use primarily now start with some controlled breathing and a mental focus on the patterns in the darkness in front of my eyes. Something that has helped me today is just setting aside any concerns about my legs or feet going to sleep - if they do, I'll just have to take a few minutes to get them working right. Apparently just that thought has dramatically changed my comfort level. Also, I don't worry about sitting straight up - a relaxed position leaning slightly back is fine. This has also apparently helped a lot.
After focusing on my sight, I have begun envisioning and imagining Irene's hand. I can actually remember the sensation of what it is like to touch her hand - what her skin feels like. Focusing on details like that, which usually lead to me being able to envision her entirely, have created some very powerful envisionings that have put me in very deep states of relaxation and a deep sense of connection to her. My main focus in doing this is employ powerful intentions for us to be together, so that universal mind is activated to bring that into reality.
Something that came into my mind this evening during meditation was the thought that Irene came here - at least in part - to experience something about me and how I felt about her. To use an old Bee Gees song title ... "How deep is your love?" I think that's the experience she wanted to have to hold onto forever in our life on the other side - being able to see and experience that I would be there for her no matter what, that I would fight through anything to stay with her and keep us together through all the challenges in our life ... and even after her death.
No doubt she was here for more than that, but I can see that as being the reason behind certain key aspects of the framework of our lives and some big experiences that occurred, including both when we met and how she left. It makes me feel good that we nailed it on both of those things - my reasons for coming here and at least a big one of hers.
We really did good! I feel like these experiences will really, truly enhance our afterlife relationship and experience. How could they not?
August 12, 2017 Saturday - More On "Alternate Realities"
I feel like I ought to explain a little about the "alternate reality" and "reality creation" stuff I've started talking about. Sometimes I forget to provide enough context for people I don't know to make sense of what I'm saying or writing about.
I have a couple of philosophy books - Anarchic Harmony and Unconditional Freedom - that were published in the mid-90's, both of which are out of print now. In those books I described breaking out of socially-constructed thoughts and beliefs and living fearlessly from your own perspective and how I believed the world around you would move itself around to accommodate you.
Well before I wrote those books, and before the car accident that should have killed us all (but which we stepped out of with very minor injuries), Irene and I were driving through the small country town we had met in on our way to the city for something and she suddenly told me to stop and back up. I backed up and we were in front of this enormous, beautiful old country home in the middle of town and she exclaimed "That's the house we're going to get married in!" As we drove on she said that she always dreamed (actual dreams, not daydreams) of living in a house like that with high ceilings and lots of rooms, and with (as she called them) "secret" rooms. She said we were going to live there and get married there.
Of course, at the time we were completely broke and struggling to get by day to day just for the bare necessities. Her faith, however, was unshakable. I've never met anyone with such powerful faith. This was shortly after we met and we had planned to get married in the summer. that same year. In my mind, it wasn't even possible for us to come up with a single month's rent on a place like that.
Pursuing her faith we met the woman who owned the house. She was trying to sell it and wasn't really interested in renting it. Apparently, I looked a lot like her departed, beloved husband when he was young, and he was also named Bill. This helped to convince her that if we could come up with the money to rent it she would rent it to us until she had a buyer.
Then we had the car accident, got a few thousand dollars in settlement and rented the house. We were married there on July 1, 1990. Just like Irene said. That's when I started writing.
During our time together I have seen this kind of miraculous confluence of events many, many times, where all these events would have had to have been set up in perfect alignment in order for something to work out for us. It kept happening throughout our life together. We came to think of it as moving through realities because we didn't think that one reality where everyone lived would bend itself around in such ways just to accommodate us, but rather it must be us that was moving through realities to those that provided what our faith and attention was focused on.
In physics, there is a phenomenon called observer or quantum collapse, where the observer is that which "chooses" the actual states of subatomic phenomena from a field of vibrational potential. There has been quite a bit written about this theory that included infinite alternate realities and timelines, where each choice we could have made is played out in another reality. Our consciousness, however, follows reality pathways according to (1) our focus/attention, and (2) the state of our "vibration", which is in tune with who and what we are at deep level.
It sounds like a bunch of new age stuff, but several of the fathers of modern physics believed that consciousness was the root of physical reality - that it, in fact, creates what we experience as physical reality. A lot of new age or modern spiritualities picked up on that and has incorporated those quantum theories and writings into their philosophies.
So, when I talk about Irene and I believing that we are moving through realities, that is the context. That is what we believed and that is how we lived our lives - that it was us and our vibrational state that was "creating" the physical world around us by choosing pathways through realities that could contain in them virtually anything as sequential experiences in our lives. We experienced multiple miraculous events that would be really difficult to explain in any ordinary view of reality.
So, what does this have to do with my attempts to contact and interact with Irene, and keep our relationship going strong? The confluence of events where I feel like I've been shown something to be true that is in concert with my desire that it be true, and then immediately getting support from external sources like books or videos or online information, has reminded me of our "reality choosing" or 'reality creation" perspective which had become ingrained and normal for us - taken for granted, even, so that it had become more of a background structure.
So I realize I can write things in this blog that make little sense unless one understands that background structure. Also, I find that I need to refresh myself on these views and start bringing back into focus some of the more conscious thought habits we had developed in our path of creating our own perfect little world here on Earth while we were together. We don't want to "find ourselves" in a spiritual afterlife that we must try and conform ourselves into. That's not who we are. I need to entirely stop trying to "figure out" what the afterlife is, and instead focus on and imagine what I want it to be for us.
We have almost always been in perfect accord on what we want together, and as time went by we were in perfect harmony with our wants and desires. She often said that when were were unified - on the same train, as she said - nothing could stop us from creating whatever we wanted. Now that we've gotten me through the worst of the experience of her dying, it's time to take a more proactive perspective and start once again creating our reality instead of me trying to "figure out" how to reunite with her via some supposed pre-existing spiritual ruleset or structure.
August 13, 2017 Sunday - Summer Blues
Today was a decent day. Got to badly missing Irene a couple of times, but I'm sure that will continue as long as it takes to see her again. I don't mind it, I embrace it. Nothing wrong with missing the woman you love. I tell her not to worry, that it's just the way it would be regardless of the situation if I didn't get to see her or hear her voice for months. Most of the time, though, I talk to her and the others just as normally as I would talk to anyone here, only there's no responses you can hear.
It would probably seem pretty crazy to most people, but actually I think it's what has made the situation as good and livable as it is. I would really like to have some more experiences, though. I guess I'm the impatient one now. Throughout our time together here she was always the impatient one, wondering why what we intended and affirmed didn't happen sooner or faster. Now I feel her advising me that we will be back together soon enough, that I just need to be patient. She must be getting a kick out of that!
The time of year is wearing on me and I need to cut myself some slack. I never do well during the peak of summer - I'm a more of a cool and cold-weather kind of guy. Not that anyone in their right mind likes day after day of 100 degree heat. It's been difficult for me to think straight all day, but I did get some really good meditation/intention/affirmation in as well as my prayers. Days like today make it hard to stay on track because all I really want to be is distracted from the heat and my own impatience and emotions.
It's been a good morning. I prayed as if Irene was sitting next to me, holding my hand and praying along with me, and it was great! Then I had a good meditation/intention/affirmation where I easily envisioned us together. I spent time talking to Irene and my spirit team and realized I just need to keep talking to them, even if I feel like I'm whining too much, because talking out loud about all that is going on infuses my experience with a sense of reality about them, what we're doing, what we're trying to do, and the afterlife I envision. It makes it all more real for me to talk about it out loud, infusing it in all my daily activities. That's pretty important - to make it feel real to me. The normal physical world is unrelenting and pervasive, so I have to do whatever it takes to keep all of this fresh and infused in my consciousness and daily life.
If that means acting like a crazy old man, oh well.
After reading some in the Zammit's Facebook afterlife group, I realized I need to get back to thinking more about what I'd like to do with Irene in the astral - like go to the beach, swim, sight-see, watch our shows, garden, work on the house and the grounds, our creative pursuits, picture what "normal" life there would be like. As I've already said, I'm pretty sure we recreated our life here from what we already have there, and we led a pretty much idyllic life through much of our time together here. I think we have our life there pretty well sorted out and it probably - to some degree - is much like our life here was. Imagining and picturing it isn't difficult - it's just us doing what I know we'd love to be doing, living how I know we love to live, except young and perfectly healthy and without all the social and financial issues and without having to constantly clean, maintain and repair stuff.
Envisioning our life there sets a powerful intention and simultaneous affirmation, and infuses my life here with a sense of reality of our life there. I'm thinking I should start a Pinterest account for this blog and fill it with images that resonate with me about our real life in the astral.
Okay, I just checked and apparently I forgot I already started a Pinterest account for this blog! Exciting - now I know what to do with it!! I'm going to collect images that resonate with me about our life interests and what we want to experience in the afterlife - a kind of afterlife intention resonating board. I just put a link in the sidebar.
The past few days I've been talking with Irene and the spirit team about this momentary clutch/panic sensation I've been feeling. This morning part of what I was talking to my spirit team about was getting encouragement and experiences - that I hate to be a whiner, but it takes a pretty steady dose to compete with the hammering of the physical world, doubt, and fear - ingrained habits.
I took the dogs out for a walk and I felt that clutch a couple of times and realized the common denominator was that I always think, when it happens, that it has to do with Irene, even if what I was thinking about at the time really had nothing to do with her. The thought occurred to me that maybe the clutch feeling was a physical reaction to sensing Irene with me; it seemed like that could also be the case, because I didn't actually experience any sadness, only a clutch, or breathless panic sensation. I realized that would probably be my reaction if I actually saw Irene - loss of breath and my heart skipping a beat. I thought maybe I was just mistaking it for a panic sensation.
Weeks and weeks ago I experienced a lot of new, strange emotions, some of which were hard to untangle. I experienced some emotional/physical sensations a lot like how this feeling starts out. I said aloud that I was thinking it might be Irene and I immediately got another clutch sensation. I said out loud that I was going to need some kind of confirmation or validation ---- as soon as I said "validation", an orange and black butterfly came into my field of view a few feet from me, from behind me to my left, and fluttered around in front of me for a couple of minutes and left. I haven't seen a butterfly in days, and not any for a while that appeared like a sign.
I took that as validation and have started working on simply relaxing and letting that feeling continue without being afraid of it or imposing my desires on it. I've been telling Irene if that is her, let me get gradually accustomed to her doing whatever she is doing.
August 15, 2017 Tuesday - How Eternal Happiness and Joy Works
Another really good morning so far. Last night around 8pm I had a really, really good meditation - I felt like I could just stay in that zone for hours. I felt like my astral body was trying to leave several times. Envisioning Irene is getting easier. This morning I prayed while envisioning her praying with me, sitting beside me, and it was great!! Then I had another really good meditation where I felt like I was trying to leave my body several times.
The image of us being on a tropical beach or in and around the pool at our home on the other side has been popping up continuously in my mind. Collecting images for my various afterlife Pinterest boards is giving me all sorts of deeply resonating imagery. I think that finding things that resonate with your afterlife is a very good method of supporting intention. It's like I am building a stronger basis for the frequency at which Irene and I operate in the afterlife, drawing us closer together and keeping us in harmony with our creative thoughts.
I always wondered how anyone was supposed to stay happy in Heaven, much less joyful, for eternity. It seemed to me to be human nature that appreciation and joy for a thing necessarily diminished over time to the point of whatever the source of those feeling was being taken for granted - at least to some degree. A few thousand years in heaven and those heavenly feelings become ubiquitous and non-meaningful - if one were to think about it terms of Earthly human experience.
Irene and I were really good about not taking things for granted and truly appreciating everything we had in life, but even we were not immune to the decrease of appreciation one has the farther removed they are from experiencing lack, pain, limitation and loneliness. Before now I couldn't imagine how one could stay joyful and fully appreciative eternally; I wondered if that was really the point of reincarnation - to continually refresh our love and appreciation. I didn't see any way around it.
However, it now seems to me that if the afterlife is a "timeless" state with regards to how we perceive time, then it would not necessarily be true that the contrasting experiences of sorrow and joy, of pain and happiness, of lack and abundance need ever diminish in our mind once we experience them; we will always have a perfect memory - a perfect experience - of everything we have been through. That means the experiences stay with us and do not fade over time, but rather stay as fresh and as new as when we first experienced them. Having constant access to that can deliver to us an eternal appreciation, joy and love that cannot fade over time, laying the foundation for an eternal state of happiness, appreciation and joy.
Around 9 this morning I lay down and listened to a guided astral travel YouTube by Lilian Eden and got really deeply relaxed and felt like I could leap out of my body at any time. I'll probably try doing this some more. My meditations have been really deep lately.
August 16, 2017 Wednesday - A Very Revealing Dream
Last night I once again asked my spirit team for experiences and encouragements and did some meditative intentions before going to sleep. I actually had another dream I wrote down in my dream book I keep beside the bed.
In this dream, I was at a family reunion of some sort - I wasn't this identity, and the family wasn't my real-world family, but they were the "me" in the dream's family. What stood out was that in the dream, my wife had recently died and, even though it had been some time since, I felt a profound sense of loss and of being alone. As the dream progressed I found myself at work, which felt like a facsimile of my old print shop job, and I still had that deep sense of loss and of being alone as the boss closed the back door and was preparing to close up shop. I was doing something similar to uploading and deleting artwork, and was trying to explain to my boss something about the dot gain (old printer's reference) when I saw myself through his eyes.
I looked like the kid on one of the "Catfish" episodes with really great/weird hair (he was famous for it), but I looked so very, very sad - you could see my sense of loss and loneliness etched on my face.
When I woke up I immediately realized that I don't have that sense of loss or loneliness at all in my day-to-day real life. I feel like Irene and others in my spirit team are here with me all the time. The dream showed me there is a big, big difference between the sorrow of missing Irene's physical presence, and enduring a sense of loss and loneliness as if she were actually, completely gone forever. I don't know how people can deal with that kind of feeling. It was so empty.
So this morning I am so, so very grateful to God, Irene and my spirit team for all they have done, and for being here for me to keep me - for the vast majority of my time - out of such a lonely, despairing existence. and keeping me able to enjoy life and be relatively happy most of the time because I feel her presence constantly. I'm also so grateful for my family, who have really been great through this difficult time, and for the circumstances of my life that have made it so easy for me to be on the path I am now on. I can't imagine how difficult it would be for me here if I was not in the particular situation I find myself in - completely free to do whatever I want for this transdimensional relationship with my soul mate.
August 17, 2017 Thursday - Finally, Another Dream Of Irene
I woke up at 1:30 this morning after having a dream that had Irene in it. She was only in it a few seconds, but it was more than any previous dream. We were at a store and I had just bought an item of clothing and she took the bag and walked off while I looked at some cheap computers (I have been thinking lately about buying a cheap chromebook laptop). A salesman was keeping an eye on me because he thought I was acting suspiciously. He told me that he had a cheaper version of the computer I was looking at because they had to repaint it and it was in the back, and wanted to know if I wanted him to go get it.
I told him yes, but while he was gone I decided to leave and walked away from the computers and looked for Irene. She was sitting down in a waiting area and leaned forward when I looked her way. She must have known I wanted to leave because she got up and walked up to me. I don't know if we spoke but I realized I didn't know where we had parked the car, but she knew so I followed her and I told her "Thank you for keeping track of where we are." She looked about 35 with her long, dark hair and had a bright, glowing look to her face - not exactly a smile, more like a mysterious pleasantness that was really beautiful.
It wasn't much, but man am I happy about it!! I was so excited I couldn't get back to sleep even though I tried. I've been telling her and the spirit team I need encouragement and experiences, and frankly I'm still impatient about being able to see more of Irene. I decided I'm just going to be the squeaky wheel until I get what I want.
August 18, 2017 Friday - The AREI Self-Guided Afterlife Connection Course
I'm remembering more of what I dream now, which is part of my intentions. The dream I had before waking this morning didn't mean anything to me, but at least I did remember some of it when I woke.
I'm in the process of doing the AREI Self-Guided Afterlife Connection to see if I can get anything out of it, and also it's another thing I can do to "make real" my intention of increasing my communication with Irene. This morning I read some materials in that process that confirmed several things I had come to believe about what I've been experiencing.
First and foremost, it confirmed the difference between things I deliberately imagine and things that just pop into my mind on their own. There is a big difference in those experiences, and the material confirms that the experiences I have of things just popping into my head does indeed come from outside of my imagination. These are things Irene, other loved ones or my spirit guides put into my head for me to experience.
Second, it mirrored things I have written before about intention. Here is a quote from the material I read this morning preparing for Stage 3 of the guided connection:
That sounds like something I've written about intention and how it can amazingly command and precisely coordinate the processes of billions of cellular activities to accomplish ordinary physical tasks - like memory and raising your arm! It's almost like a quote from me.
This again mirrors what has gone on as long as Irene and I have been together - what I experience and come to think about spiritual things is almost immediately validated by outside sources. It feels less and less like I'm "figuring stuff out", but rather am just letting stuff I already know come out.
Another exciting validation came while reading the AREI materials - the third one in a row that I asked for about that clutch feeling. If you remember, when I first asked for validation about the clutch feeling (that it was Irene nearby with me causing it - unintentionally, of course) the butterfly flew right in front of me. The second time I asked for it my sister emailed me info about a similar story from the Monroe Institute. I had come to doubt this was the case and asked for another validation about it yesterday and got up and read that this is what it is in the AREI materials - that the presence of a loved one can cause grief feelings. The materials also said that when you feel that clutch of grief to try to process through those feelings towards feeling love and appreciation and joy at their presence to make it easier for them to contact you and be around you - which is exactly what I had already started doing!
I"m starting to think that everything I feel a connection to, as far as our life in the astral, is going to be true. I also think that this time now is about me growing my capacity for faith and trust. If I was able to simply see Irene and talk to her, I wouldn't have to depend on faith, trust and intuition. Yet, that's exactly what Irene showed me our entire lives together - that those are very important and powerful commodities. That's something the AREI materials I read this morning also said, and it really resonated with me.
August 18, 2017 Friday (Later) - A Nice Mental Image From Irene
I walked the dogs earlier and while outside I got to thinking about some of the AREI information and how it corresponded to some things I had been thinking about; about how I needed to learn to beef up my ability to trust, have faith, and use my intuition. This is something Irene kept trying to tell me our entire time together here, and something we experienced over and over - to pray, intend, and affirm, but then to trust that the things that unfolded for us were leading us where we wanted to go even though it may not seem like it. Our role in the unfolding is simply to walk down the path as it does so, not to try to make things happen the way we think they ought, or to try to hurry it up - no matter how impatient we may be.
One of my issues has always been over-thinking things - as I've talked about in the past in this blog. I think it's probably pretty hard for Irene or my spirit guides to put images or thoughts in my head when I keep it occupied all the time. I realized (still while I was walking the dogs) that these days I keep my mind occupied with prayers, intentions, affirmations and imagined images of Irene and myself because I don't trust that imagery, thoughts and sensations will come from outside. I fear that I may lose my focus and the physical world will start dragging me off into its distractions if I don't focus on these things every waking second that I can.
So, while I was outside, I practiced just started thinking "trust, faith, intuition" and invited Irene to send me something. I was feeling really excited and was just telling her how excited I was feeling about seeing her again - that it felt like just after we first met and I couldn't stop thinking about her - I couldn't sleep, or eat, and I thought about her all the time at work - I had to talk to her on the phone, I had to drive out and see her (that was back when long distance cost a lot and I couldn't really afford the gas). We couldn't stay away from each other. It drove me crazy to not be with her.
Then the image just popped in my head of me stepping up to the porch of the house she lived in when we first met and we were so, so excited and happy to see each other - only this wasn't back then, this was now, the image taking place in my mind as if I had astral projected to her and this was how we had arranged to meet when I did so - to re-enact the Saturday I had driven back to her house from a trip I had made to see my kids in Austin. I was walking up and she opened the door and stepped out to greet me, and right then everything else in the universe ceased to exist. I could feel both our emotions racing through me - the sheer joy and love and excitement.
I knew without a doubt that Irene had done that. Man that made me so happy - but more, it was a clear confirmation that I am on the right track about just allowing, having faith, and trusting her, my spirit guides and my own intuition more, because it's shown me again and again to be right about so many things.
Also, when I first joined the Zammit Afterlife group, a medium there sent me a private comment about Irene being "at the beach". At the time it had made no sense at all to me - we spent maybe 1 or 2 hours at a beach total in our entire time together, and lived nowhere near a beach. I forgot about the message and a couple of weeks ago I intuited that I think our home must in the astral must be by the beach - in fact, I think we have our own tropical island. I was just thinking that, if we could live anywhere, where would we live, and there was only one possible answer - a tropical island. It doesn't really seem logical considering our lives here, but I think that is truly where we would both be the most happy for many reasons. Then I remembered what that medium had said ... interesting, eh?
Anyway, I have been so incredibly happy and excited today. I feel like I'm the luckiest guy in the world. I feel like Irene has been really close to me all day, but I'm so happy she is safe, secure, young, healthy, and that it seems like I'm past all the heavy grieving. I feel like she and I have the most fantastic, greatest relationship in the history of the world, and at some point we get to replay our Earthly meeting (which was fantastic!), but this time we will be coming back together with a full understanding of each other and what we mean to each other - like the greatest love reunion ever. How crazy is that for a guy who's wife died only a four months ago? And we get to have a heavenly honeymoon! I don't know how this can get any better.
August 19, 2017 Saturday - What The Heck IS This?
I can't believe how great I feel today. I feel chemically transformed, like I'm someone new. I feel like a young man who just fell in love, like I did when Irene and I first met. Thinking of her and joining her in the astral world fills me with such excitement and anticipation! This is the feeling I had for those two weeks just after she died - the time of grace I was given to show me what our relationship could be like even with us in two different dimensions. I just didn't know what it was at the time or how it could possibly come to be real.
Yet, here I am, feeling absolutely like the luckiest guy in the universe - I know who the love of my existence is; I know where she is; I know I'll be with her soon; I know we'll be able to spend eternity living our ideal life. Unbelievable. It's really an amazing feeling. I had no expectation I could actually get to this point. I don't know if it will last, but to be here and know it is a reality can, I think, get me through any bad days if they are still to come.
I mean, it's only been a little over four months after the woman I love more than everything else combined, my eternal soul mate, died. I would have bet you folding money that would have completely destroyed me - yet here we are, still going strong and even better than ever after enduring some of the worst stuff life can throw at you, including death.
August 20, 2017 Sunday - A Change In Atmosphere
Another good morning ... feeling great, good prayer and mediation. I've been affirming that it's okay to feel good, that it's good for both of us and our connection. Finished up stage three of the self-guided exercises from AREI website and filled out their journal.
Later in the evening, after walking the dogs, I started feeling something different - not quite sure what it is. I think I may be feeling Irene's presence without the heart clutch sensation. It's very subtle, like a change in the atmosphere for the better, very difficult to quantify. Thinking about it, I haven't felt the heart clutch today. My happiness seems fuller somehow.
More tomorrow, dead tired right now.
August 21, 2017 Monday - An Amazing Accomplishment
I think it might be because I got into an argument on a blog and those arguments have always left me feeling emotionally drained and somewhat unstable. I really need to stay away from that - I hadn't done any of that in probably a year and I don't even know why I went back to that blog and engaged. Anyway, I got to missing Irene again today, but feeling sad and crying for a few minutes wasn't really a bad thing. It got me to thinking about how far we've come, what we've accomplished so far in a very short period of time.
It's really remarkable when you think about it. As emotionally committed as I am to her, and as constantly together as we were, and as much as she means to me, the fact that now, four months later, I'm fully happy most of the time is nothing short of astonishing. I can't overstate this. I should have been completely destroyed by Irene's death. I should be inconsolable and utterly miserable all day every day. There have been days I've felt that pain - and I've reported it here - what I should have felt like every day since she passed, and believe me, nobody would wish that on their worst enemy.
Yet there are people that probably did not feel as connected to their spouse, nor spent the kind of time together that we did, that endure soul-draining grief every day for years. Losing the one that they love more than anything can put an end to all joy and happiness for the rest of one's days because there are wounds that time cannot heal and pain so deep in simply swallows you.
That's where I should be right now, but instead I find myself excited with anticipation for when we reunite fully. I am capable of experiencing real joy with no sense of loss. Most of the time I feel very connected to Irene, whole, and complete. Much of the time I feel very enthusiastic about whatever I have to do to move forward down this path of further developing our relationship. I feel like we are still kidding around and making each other laugh much of the time, and that I'm experiencing things she wants me to know and feel.
I really feel that when I talk to her, she can hear me and feel the meaning and emotion of what I'm saying. I love being able to talk to her any time I want. I love it that she's completely healthy and safe now. I love it that she is able to do her thing now - take care of her family. I love it that she is in a place now that will provide her curiosity and creativity with endless delights and opportunities! I love it that, no matter what I do now, we've already won and we will be fully and completely together very soon, writing the continuing story of our beautiful, incredible love story.
If this continues and we gain nothing more - if I can't astral project or ever interact with her any better than what I can now until I die, then we have already succeeded in what we wanted to do beyond anything we could have expected, and in way, way less time than we ever could have hoped for.
It occurs to me that sharing just what we have done so far, and how we did it, might be of great value to others. Perhaps it could help others who are facing the death of their beloved or are experiencing devastating grief. So, maybe it's time to write a book? Thinking about it.
August 22, 2017 Tuesday - An Amazing Accomplishment, Part 2
This morning I was thinking more about what I wrote about yesterday and realized that what we've accomplished here in just four months is nothing short of miraculous, every bit as miraculous as it would be for me to astral project and be able to see, hear and touch Irene again.
For those of you who may not have ever experienced the kind of grief you experience after the love of your life dies (not necessarily your spouse; it could be a child, parent or someone else), that deep and profound pain is unlike anything else. For many, it ruins everything for pretty much the rest of their lives. As my friend who lost his child told me, you never experience joy again without also feeling the pain of that loss.
That kind of grief carries with it an entirely different way of experiencing the world. Even when you feel good, you feel the loss and you also often feel guilty for feeling good. If you aren't thinking about your loved one for even a small time, you're heartbroken about it and irrationally fear that you're forgetting them or leaving them behind. At some point, you want to feel the pain because it's the only way you have of truly connecting to them, or at least the memory of them. You want to play sad songs and feel even worse. The pain and sorrow becomes a new way of life which, to some degree, you end up embracing because it the pain keeps them with you always. The pain becomes a monument to them in your heart and soul, one you need to show them how much you love them still. Anything else seems to trivialize what they meant to you, and trivializing it hurts even worse than embracing the grief.
This may not make sense to those that haven't experienced it, but this kind of grief is a kind of existential madness - just like one might explain love. Love is a bright and joyful kind of madness, and grief is a dark and painful madness.
So, I'm not just talking about overcoming sorrow or pain, but getting through and being able to get past the existential madness of life-darkening grief and back to the joyful, happy, hopeful and bright "madness" of being able to live in a state of loving the person who passed like you did before they died. IOW, reclaiming the existential state of being in-love with the person who died, and reclaiming the sense of completeness and wholeness that existed then instead of existing in the state of a grief-stricken or grief-darkened life where one constantly feels loss and a sense of loneliness.
That this is possible without my having actually visited her and interacted with her in the astral is monumental. I thought I would need that actual interaction to make it real to me to the point where I would actually be free of grief and be able to let go of the pain - but, somehow, actual happiness and a sense of wholeness and completeness has crept up on me and has returned me almost entirely to my pre-death state - albeit with a few necessary differences. Those differences, however, are not painful or bad. I experience them as exciting challenges and new experiences for Irene and I to develop our relationship through. I actually experience this. It still amazes me when I think about it.
It means that it is possible to organize and invest in attitudes, thoughts, habits and beliefs that can utterly change how one ultimately experiences the death of their loved ones and which can mitigate and even bring and end to one's grief. I didn't have to physically interact with Irene as if she were still here in this world to get to this point. To me, that is amazing. I didn't think anything else could possibly make our continued relationship real enough to defeat the grief and sorrow.
Now, I say all of the above from my Earthly perspective. I believe the true cause of my experience is much more than just my personal situation, views, beliefs, habits and thoughts. I believe most of the credit goes to God, Irene and many on the other side who are helping us. For example, it certainly wasn't my doing that I got two weeks of grace after she died where I experience what I'm now calling a preview of what I'm currently experiencing, apparently to give me hope and something to hold on to when the grief came. I certainly wasn't the one (at least not consciously) who arranged all of the messages and signs from Irene, or all of the confirmations of things I was thinking about concerning the afterlife. I certainly didn't time my discovery of the note she wrote 43 years prior to be on the same date she wrote it. I obviously had a lot of help, but I like to think that our firm belief in afterlife communication and interaction and my openness to getting signs and messages helped.
The thing is, though, I believe we all have those who are working for us on the other side, especially loved ones who have passed. It may be possible to change the way we think about life, death and the afterlife, and to invest some effort in preparing and fortifying our views, and to develop habits and thoughts that aid those on the other side who are trying to help us, so that we can move past the grief and sense of loss and reclaim our fulfilling relationship with those who have passed over.
I have started writing a book about my particular experiences and how I think I've gotten to this point. I think it might help some people - or at least give them some hope.
August 23, 2017 Wednesday - A More Creative, Proactive Perspective
The past couple of days, even in the midst of realizing how far I've come in so short a time and being very grateful for it, I've had bouts of a rather strange, negative emotion. Also I have started feeling a kind of loss of breath, almost like the heart-clutch feeling. I think I'm actually feeling sorry for myself. I'm having a difficult time believing this is me - I thought I might be picking up on someone else's feelings in the family, which is why I haven't said anything about it until now. I was trying to figure out what it was.
The past few days I've been talking with Irene and the spirit team about this momentary clutch/panic sensation I've been feeling. This morning part of what I was talking to my spirit team about was getting encouragement and experiences - that I hate to be a whiner, but it takes a pretty steady dose to compete with the hammering of the physical world, doubt, and fear - ingrained habits.
I took the dogs out for a walk and I felt that clutch a couple of times and realized the common denominator was that I always think, when it happens, that it has to do with Irene, even if what I was thinking about at the time really had nothing to do with her. The thought occurred to me that maybe the clutch feeling was a physical reaction to sensing Irene with me; it seemed like that could also be the case, because I didn't actually experience any sadness, only a clutch, or breathless panic sensation. I realized that would probably be my reaction if I actually saw Irene - loss of breath and my heart skipping a beat. I thought maybe I was just mistaking it for a panic sensation.
Weeks and weeks ago I experienced a lot of new, strange emotions, some of which were hard to untangle. I experienced some emotional/physical sensations a lot like how this feeling starts out. I said aloud that I was thinking it might be Irene and I immediately got another clutch sensation. I said out loud that I was going to need some kind of confirmation or validation ---- as soon as I said "validation", an orange and black butterfly came into my field of view a few feet from me, from behind me to my left, and fluttered around in front of me for a couple of minutes and left. I haven't seen a butterfly in days, and not any for a while that appeared like a sign.
I took that as validation and have started working on simply relaxing and letting that feeling continue without being afraid of it or imposing my desires on it. I've been telling Irene if that is her, let me get gradually accustomed to her doing whatever she is doing.
August 15, 2017 Tuesday - How Eternal Happiness and Joy Works
Another really good morning so far. Last night around 8pm I had a really, really good meditation - I felt like I could just stay in that zone for hours. I felt like my astral body was trying to leave several times. Envisioning Irene is getting easier. This morning I prayed while envisioning her praying with me, sitting beside me, and it was great!! Then I had another really good meditation where I felt like I was trying to leave my body several times.
The image of us being on a tropical beach or in and around the pool at our home on the other side has been popping up continuously in my mind. Collecting images for my various afterlife Pinterest boards is giving me all sorts of deeply resonating imagery. I think that finding things that resonate with your afterlife is a very good method of supporting intention. It's like I am building a stronger basis for the frequency at which Irene and I operate in the afterlife, drawing us closer together and keeping us in harmony with our creative thoughts.
I always wondered how anyone was supposed to stay happy in Heaven, much less joyful, for eternity. It seemed to me to be human nature that appreciation and joy for a thing necessarily diminished over time to the point of whatever the source of those feeling was being taken for granted - at least to some degree. A few thousand years in heaven and those heavenly feelings become ubiquitous and non-meaningful - if one were to think about it terms of Earthly human experience.
Irene and I were really good about not taking things for granted and truly appreciating everything we had in life, but even we were not immune to the decrease of appreciation one has the farther removed they are from experiencing lack, pain, limitation and loneliness. Before now I couldn't imagine how one could stay joyful and fully appreciative eternally; I wondered if that was really the point of reincarnation - to continually refresh our love and appreciation. I didn't see any way around it.
However, it now seems to me that if the afterlife is a "timeless" state with regards to how we perceive time, then it would not necessarily be true that the contrasting experiences of sorrow and joy, of pain and happiness, of lack and abundance need ever diminish in our mind once we experience them; we will always have a perfect memory - a perfect experience - of everything we have been through. That means the experiences stay with us and do not fade over time, but rather stay as fresh and as new as when we first experienced them. Having constant access to that can deliver to us an eternal appreciation, joy and love that cannot fade over time, laying the foundation for an eternal state of happiness, appreciation and joy.
Around 9 this morning I lay down and listened to a guided astral travel YouTube by Lilian Eden and got really deeply relaxed and felt like I could leap out of my body at any time. I'll probably try doing this some more. My meditations have been really deep lately.
August 16, 2017 Wednesday - A Very Revealing Dream
Last night I once again asked my spirit team for experiences and encouragements and did some meditative intentions before going to sleep. I actually had another dream I wrote down in my dream book I keep beside the bed.
In this dream, I was at a family reunion of some sort - I wasn't this identity, and the family wasn't my real-world family, but they were the "me" in the dream's family. What stood out was that in the dream, my wife had recently died and, even though it had been some time since, I felt a profound sense of loss and of being alone. As the dream progressed I found myself at work, which felt like a facsimile of my old print shop job, and I still had that deep sense of loss and of being alone as the boss closed the back door and was preparing to close up shop. I was doing something similar to uploading and deleting artwork, and was trying to explain to my boss something about the dot gain (old printer's reference) when I saw myself through his eyes.
I looked like the kid on one of the "Catfish" episodes with really great/weird hair (he was famous for it), but I looked so very, very sad - you could see my sense of loss and loneliness etched on my face.
When I woke up I immediately realized that I don't have that sense of loss or loneliness at all in my day-to-day real life. I feel like Irene and others in my spirit team are here with me all the time. The dream showed me there is a big, big difference between the sorrow of missing Irene's physical presence, and enduring a sense of loss and loneliness as if she were actually, completely gone forever. I don't know how people can deal with that kind of feeling. It was so empty.
So this morning I am so, so very grateful to God, Irene and my spirit team for all they have done, and for being here for me to keep me - for the vast majority of my time - out of such a lonely, despairing existence. and keeping me able to enjoy life and be relatively happy most of the time because I feel her presence constantly. I'm also so grateful for my family, who have really been great through this difficult time, and for the circumstances of my life that have made it so easy for me to be on the path I am now on. I can't imagine how difficult it would be for me here if I was not in the particular situation I find myself in - completely free to do whatever I want for this transdimensional relationship with my soul mate.
August 17, 2017 Thursday - Finally, Another Dream Of Irene
I woke up at 1:30 this morning after having a dream that had Irene in it. She was only in it a few seconds, but it was more than any previous dream. We were at a store and I had just bought an item of clothing and she took the bag and walked off while I looked at some cheap computers (I have been thinking lately about buying a cheap chromebook laptop). A salesman was keeping an eye on me because he thought I was acting suspiciously. He told me that he had a cheaper version of the computer I was looking at because they had to repaint it and it was in the back, and wanted to know if I wanted him to go get it.
I told him yes, but while he was gone I decided to leave and walked away from the computers and looked for Irene. She was sitting down in a waiting area and leaned forward when I looked her way. She must have known I wanted to leave because she got up and walked up to me. I don't know if we spoke but I realized I didn't know where we had parked the car, but she knew so I followed her and I told her "Thank you for keeping track of where we are." She looked about 35 with her long, dark hair and had a bright, glowing look to her face - not exactly a smile, more like a mysterious pleasantness that was really beautiful.
It wasn't much, but man am I happy about it!! I was so excited I couldn't get back to sleep even though I tried. I've been telling her and the spirit team I need encouragement and experiences, and frankly I'm still impatient about being able to see more of Irene. I decided I'm just going to be the squeaky wheel until I get what I want.
August 18, 2017 Friday - The AREI Self-Guided Afterlife Connection Course
I'm remembering more of what I dream now, which is part of my intentions. The dream I had before waking this morning didn't mean anything to me, but at least I did remember some of it when I woke.
I'm in the process of doing the AREI Self-Guided Afterlife Connection to see if I can get anything out of it, and also it's another thing I can do to "make real" my intention of increasing my communication with Irene. This morning I read some materials in that process that confirmed several things I had come to believe about what I've been experiencing.
First and foremost, it confirmed the difference between things I deliberately imagine and things that just pop into my mind on their own. There is a big difference in those experiences, and the material confirms that the experiences I have of things just popping into my head does indeed come from outside of my imagination. These are things Irene, other loved ones or my spirit guides put into my head for me to experience.
Second, it mirrored things I have written before about intention. Here is a quote from the material I read this morning preparing for Stage 3 of the guided connection:
The director of our minds is our intention. We intend to recall a memory and it miraculously comes to us, in much the same form as it was when it was formed by experience. We intend to create something new, and novel thoughts come to us. We intend to lift an arm and the body obeys the mind's command immediately. Using our intention, we navigate through life and learn the lessons we are to learn in Earth school.
That sounds like something I've written about intention and how it can amazingly command and precisely coordinate the processes of billions of cellular activities to accomplish ordinary physical tasks - like memory and raising your arm! It's almost like a quote from me.
This again mirrors what has gone on as long as Irene and I have been together - what I experience and come to think about spiritual things is almost immediately validated by outside sources. It feels less and less like I'm "figuring stuff out", but rather am just letting stuff I already know come out.
Another exciting validation came while reading the AREI materials - the third one in a row that I asked for about that clutch feeling. If you remember, when I first asked for validation about the clutch feeling (that it was Irene nearby with me causing it - unintentionally, of course) the butterfly flew right in front of me. The second time I asked for it my sister emailed me info about a similar story from the Monroe Institute. I had come to doubt this was the case and asked for another validation about it yesterday and got up and read that this is what it is in the AREI materials - that the presence of a loved one can cause grief feelings. The materials also said that when you feel that clutch of grief to try to process through those feelings towards feeling love and appreciation and joy at their presence to make it easier for them to contact you and be around you - which is exactly what I had already started doing!
I"m starting to think that everything I feel a connection to, as far as our life in the astral, is going to be true. I also think that this time now is about me growing my capacity for faith and trust. If I was able to simply see Irene and talk to her, I wouldn't have to depend on faith, trust and intuition. Yet, that's exactly what Irene showed me our entire lives together - that those are very important and powerful commodities. That's something the AREI materials I read this morning also said, and it really resonated with me.
August 18, 2017 Friday (Later) - A Nice Mental Image From Irene
I walked the dogs earlier and while outside I got to thinking about some of the AREI information and how it corresponded to some things I had been thinking about; about how I needed to learn to beef up my ability to trust, have faith, and use my intuition. This is something Irene kept trying to tell me our entire time together here, and something we experienced over and over - to pray, intend, and affirm, but then to trust that the things that unfolded for us were leading us where we wanted to go even though it may not seem like it. Our role in the unfolding is simply to walk down the path as it does so, not to try to make things happen the way we think they ought, or to try to hurry it up - no matter how impatient we may be.
One of my issues has always been over-thinking things - as I've talked about in the past in this blog. I think it's probably pretty hard for Irene or my spirit guides to put images or thoughts in my head when I keep it occupied all the time. I realized (still while I was walking the dogs) that these days I keep my mind occupied with prayers, intentions, affirmations and imagined images of Irene and myself because I don't trust that imagery, thoughts and sensations will come from outside. I fear that I may lose my focus and the physical world will start dragging me off into its distractions if I don't focus on these things every waking second that I can.
So, while I was outside, I practiced just started thinking "trust, faith, intuition" and invited Irene to send me something. I was feeling really excited and was just telling her how excited I was feeling about seeing her again - that it felt like just after we first met and I couldn't stop thinking about her - I couldn't sleep, or eat, and I thought about her all the time at work - I had to talk to her on the phone, I had to drive out and see her (that was back when long distance cost a lot and I couldn't really afford the gas). We couldn't stay away from each other. It drove me crazy to not be with her.
Then the image just popped in my head of me stepping up to the porch of the house she lived in when we first met and we were so, so excited and happy to see each other - only this wasn't back then, this was now, the image taking place in my mind as if I had astral projected to her and this was how we had arranged to meet when I did so - to re-enact the Saturday I had driven back to her house from a trip I had made to see my kids in Austin. I was walking up and she opened the door and stepped out to greet me, and right then everything else in the universe ceased to exist. I could feel both our emotions racing through me - the sheer joy and love and excitement.
I knew without a doubt that Irene had done that. Man that made me so happy - but more, it was a clear confirmation that I am on the right track about just allowing, having faith, and trusting her, my spirit guides and my own intuition more, because it's shown me again and again to be right about so many things.
Also, when I first joined the Zammit Afterlife group, a medium there sent me a private comment about Irene being "at the beach". At the time it had made no sense at all to me - we spent maybe 1 or 2 hours at a beach total in our entire time together, and lived nowhere near a beach. I forgot about the message and a couple of weeks ago I intuited that I think our home must in the astral must be by the beach - in fact, I think we have our own tropical island. I was just thinking that, if we could live anywhere, where would we live, and there was only one possible answer - a tropical island. It doesn't really seem logical considering our lives here, but I think that is truly where we would both be the most happy for many reasons. Then I remembered what that medium had said ... interesting, eh?
Anyway, I have been so incredibly happy and excited today. I feel like I'm the luckiest guy in the world. I feel like Irene has been really close to me all day, but I'm so happy she is safe, secure, young, healthy, and that it seems like I'm past all the heavy grieving. I feel like she and I have the most fantastic, greatest relationship in the history of the world, and at some point we get to replay our Earthly meeting (which was fantastic!), but this time we will be coming back together with a full understanding of each other and what we mean to each other - like the greatest love reunion ever. How crazy is that for a guy who's wife died only a four months ago? And we get to have a heavenly honeymoon! I don't know how this can get any better.
August 19, 2017 Saturday - What The Heck IS This?
I can't believe how great I feel today. I feel chemically transformed, like I'm someone new. I feel like a young man who just fell in love, like I did when Irene and I first met. Thinking of her and joining her in the astral world fills me with such excitement and anticipation! This is the feeling I had for those two weeks just after she died - the time of grace I was given to show me what our relationship could be like even with us in two different dimensions. I just didn't know what it was at the time or how it could possibly come to be real.
Yet, here I am, feeling absolutely like the luckiest guy in the universe - I know who the love of my existence is; I know where she is; I know I'll be with her soon; I know we'll be able to spend eternity living our ideal life. Unbelievable. It's really an amazing feeling. I had no expectation I could actually get to this point. I don't know if it will last, but to be here and know it is a reality can, I think, get me through any bad days if they are still to come.
I mean, it's only been a little over four months after the woman I love more than everything else combined, my eternal soul mate, died. I would have bet you folding money that would have completely destroyed me - yet here we are, still going strong and even better than ever after enduring some of the worst stuff life can throw at you, including death.
August 20, 2017 Sunday - A Change In Atmosphere
Another good morning ... feeling great, good prayer and mediation. I've been affirming that it's okay to feel good, that it's good for both of us and our connection. Finished up stage three of the self-guided exercises from AREI website and filled out their journal.
Later in the evening, after walking the dogs, I started feeling something different - not quite sure what it is. I think I may be feeling Irene's presence without the heart clutch sensation. It's very subtle, like a change in the atmosphere for the better, very difficult to quantify. Thinking about it, I haven't felt the heart clutch today. My happiness seems fuller somehow.
More tomorrow, dead tired right now.
August 21, 2017 Monday - An Amazing Accomplishment
I think it might be because I got into an argument on a blog and those arguments have always left me feeling emotionally drained and somewhat unstable. I really need to stay away from that - I hadn't done any of that in probably a year and I don't even know why I went back to that blog and engaged. Anyway, I got to missing Irene again today, but feeling sad and crying for a few minutes wasn't really a bad thing. It got me to thinking about how far we've come, what we've accomplished so far in a very short period of time.
It's really remarkable when you think about it. As emotionally committed as I am to her, and as constantly together as we were, and as much as she means to me, the fact that now, four months later, I'm fully happy most of the time is nothing short of astonishing. I can't overstate this. I should have been completely destroyed by Irene's death. I should be inconsolable and utterly miserable all day every day. There have been days I've felt that pain - and I've reported it here - what I should have felt like every day since she passed, and believe me, nobody would wish that on their worst enemy.
Yet there are people that probably did not feel as connected to their spouse, nor spent the kind of time together that we did, that endure soul-draining grief every day for years. Losing the one that they love more than anything can put an end to all joy and happiness for the rest of one's days because there are wounds that time cannot heal and pain so deep in simply swallows you.
That's where I should be right now, but instead I find myself excited with anticipation for when we reunite fully. I am capable of experiencing real joy with no sense of loss. Most of the time I feel very connected to Irene, whole, and complete. Much of the time I feel very enthusiastic about whatever I have to do to move forward down this path of further developing our relationship. I feel like we are still kidding around and making each other laugh much of the time, and that I'm experiencing things she wants me to know and feel.
I really feel that when I talk to her, she can hear me and feel the meaning and emotion of what I'm saying. I love being able to talk to her any time I want. I love it that she's completely healthy and safe now. I love it that she is able to do her thing now - take care of her family. I love it that she is in a place now that will provide her curiosity and creativity with endless delights and opportunities! I love it that, no matter what I do now, we've already won and we will be fully and completely together very soon, writing the continuing story of our beautiful, incredible love story.
If this continues and we gain nothing more - if I can't astral project or ever interact with her any better than what I can now until I die, then we have already succeeded in what we wanted to do beyond anything we could have expected, and in way, way less time than we ever could have hoped for.
It occurs to me that sharing just what we have done so far, and how we did it, might be of great value to others. Perhaps it could help others who are facing the death of their beloved or are experiencing devastating grief. So, maybe it's time to write a book? Thinking about it.
August 22, 2017 Tuesday - An Amazing Accomplishment, Part 2
This morning I was thinking more about what I wrote about yesterday and realized that what we've accomplished here in just four months is nothing short of miraculous, every bit as miraculous as it would be for me to astral project and be able to see, hear and touch Irene again.
For those of you who may not have ever experienced the kind of grief you experience after the love of your life dies (not necessarily your spouse; it could be a child, parent or someone else), that deep and profound pain is unlike anything else. For many, it ruins everything for pretty much the rest of their lives. As my friend who lost his child told me, you never experience joy again without also feeling the pain of that loss.
That kind of grief carries with it an entirely different way of experiencing the world. Even when you feel good, you feel the loss and you also often feel guilty for feeling good. If you aren't thinking about your loved one for even a small time, you're heartbroken about it and irrationally fear that you're forgetting them or leaving them behind. At some point, you want to feel the pain because it's the only way you have of truly connecting to them, or at least the memory of them. You want to play sad songs and feel even worse. The pain and sorrow becomes a new way of life which, to some degree, you end up embracing because it the pain keeps them with you always. The pain becomes a monument to them in your heart and soul, one you need to show them how much you love them still. Anything else seems to trivialize what they meant to you, and trivializing it hurts even worse than embracing the grief.
This may not make sense to those that haven't experienced it, but this kind of grief is a kind of existential madness - just like one might explain love. Love is a bright and joyful kind of madness, and grief is a dark and painful madness.
So, I'm not just talking about overcoming sorrow or pain, but getting through and being able to get past the existential madness of life-darkening grief and back to the joyful, happy, hopeful and bright "madness" of being able to live in a state of loving the person who passed like you did before they died. IOW, reclaiming the existential state of being in-love with the person who died, and reclaiming the sense of completeness and wholeness that existed then instead of existing in the state of a grief-stricken or grief-darkened life where one constantly feels loss and a sense of loneliness.
That this is possible without my having actually visited her and interacted with her in the astral is monumental. I thought I would need that actual interaction to make it real to me to the point where I would actually be free of grief and be able to let go of the pain - but, somehow, actual happiness and a sense of wholeness and completeness has crept up on me and has returned me almost entirely to my pre-death state - albeit with a few necessary differences. Those differences, however, are not painful or bad. I experience them as exciting challenges and new experiences for Irene and I to develop our relationship through. I actually experience this. It still amazes me when I think about it.
It means that it is possible to organize and invest in attitudes, thoughts, habits and beliefs that can utterly change how one ultimately experiences the death of their loved ones and which can mitigate and even bring and end to one's grief. I didn't have to physically interact with Irene as if she were still here in this world to get to this point. To me, that is amazing. I didn't think anything else could possibly make our continued relationship real enough to defeat the grief and sorrow.
Now, I say all of the above from my Earthly perspective. I believe the true cause of my experience is much more than just my personal situation, views, beliefs, habits and thoughts. I believe most of the credit goes to God, Irene and many on the other side who are helping us. For example, it certainly wasn't my doing that I got two weeks of grace after she died where I experience what I'm now calling a preview of what I'm currently experiencing, apparently to give me hope and something to hold on to when the grief came. I certainly wasn't the one (at least not consciously) who arranged all of the messages and signs from Irene, or all of the confirmations of things I was thinking about concerning the afterlife. I certainly didn't time my discovery of the note she wrote 43 years prior to be on the same date she wrote it. I obviously had a lot of help, but I like to think that our firm belief in afterlife communication and interaction and my openness to getting signs and messages helped.
The thing is, though, I believe we all have those who are working for us on the other side, especially loved ones who have passed. It may be possible to change the way we think about life, death and the afterlife, and to invest some effort in preparing and fortifying our views, and to develop habits and thoughts that aid those on the other side who are trying to help us, so that we can move past the grief and sense of loss and reclaim our fulfilling relationship with those who have passed over.
I have started writing a book about my particular experiences and how I think I've gotten to this point. I think it might help some people - or at least give them some hope.
August 23, 2017 Wednesday - A More Creative, Proactive Perspective
The past couple of days, even in the midst of realizing how far I've come in so short a time and being very grateful for it, I've had bouts of a rather strange, negative emotion. Also I have started feeling a kind of loss of breath, almost like the heart-clutch feeling. I think I'm actually feeling sorry for myself. I'm having a difficult time believing this is me - I thought I might be picking up on someone else's feelings in the family, which is why I haven't said anything about it until now. I was trying to figure out what it was.
However, that's really what I don't need to do - try to figure that kind of thing out. Until I get a clear path on anything set in front of me as the result of my intentions and affirmations, I don't need to do anything, much less try to "figure out" what is going on. "Figuring something out" isn't an empowering perspective; creating and manifesting what I want to be is the empowering perspective I need to keep in mind.
I wrote a book some years ago titled "Instant Enlightenment". My perspective in that book was that we spend a lot of our time framing ourselves as the victim of circumstance without even knowing that is what we are doing. So, instead of thinking "I may be suffering from an empathetic connection to a family member", I can think "Whatever this is, it is bringing me closer to what I want." and I can also focus on affirming that which I think will move me to more desired mental state.
How we frame our situation and experiences in our mind, in my view, is where a lot of our real creative power gets used against us without our even knowing it. We frame ourselves as a less powerful entity in a big world full of forces that can squash us and our desires like a bug. Even people in the spiritual and manifestation community talk about "changing the world" and "consensus creation of reality" as if there are competing visions of the world trying to manifest conflicting things in the same reality. This still frames us as the victims of either the circumstances of the material world or of the manifestation power of other people's minds.
In the Zammit group, for example, people often ask what certain aspects of the afterlife are like because they are concerned about what they will find when they get there. When I first started this leg of my journey a few months ago I did pretty much some of the same by looking to books and other media to inform me about the nature of the afterlife - even though I was quick to dismiss that which did not resonate. That perspective, however, again frames our context in a way that makes us - subtly - its victim and not the creator of our experience. If reality is truly driven and arranged by consciousness, then it is important to come out of a passive mode of being a victim of circumstance and claiming the creative authority of telling the world what it is instead of it telling you who, what and where you are.
Irene and I created what we wanted in this physical world with nothing but faith and love, literally generating one miracle after another. We watched one truly bizarre and unbelievable series of events after another unfold as we moved through our journey. As she often said, when we were in sync nothing could stop us. I remember many events where I assumed we would be stopped because of what I thought the "reality" of the situation was, but as long as I didn't let that stop me from going down the path put in front of us, the path would just magically clear in ways that defied reason.
I have a clear understanding of what I want and I have a strong focus on it. The difficult part for me is simply trusting that intention and affirmation will create my path and will put it before me - all I have to do is walk down it to get to the place where Irene and I are together enjoying our eternal home and life.
August 24, 2017 Thursday - A Change In Routine And Perspective
Yesterday I watched a really interesting video. The guy doing the presentation was apparently associated with Lifeline Center as he kept referring to an organization called "LifeLine". He outlined some of the techniques he used for interacting with those in the afterlife realms and getting information from people on the other side. I'm still in the process of personally evaluating that information but there are a couple of things that definitely resonated with me.
I've talked many times about how what my job is, is to set my intentions. He had a very nice exercise in understanding, in a very real away, what "setting an intention" means by staring at your finger and paying very close attention to how you feel the instant before you deliberately make it bend forward. That act - indeed, any deliberate action - is generated by intention and so we have a clear means of focusing on what intention is and what it feels like.
While that is worth further investigation and discussion here, it's his perspective on astral projecting that really hit home. He said it's just not necessary in order to be with and interact with your "departed" loved ones. While I already knew that was true (certain kinds of interaction), it got me to thinking though about how my intention to astral project is unnecessary because it isn't astral projecting, per se, that I want to accomplish.
What I want to accomplish is being able to interact with Irene in perfect clarity - in the manner described by NDEers and OOBEers. I don't really care how that happens - I might die of a heart attack in the middle of the night and accomplish it. Or, I might just find myself with her without going through the conscious process of leaving my body. The fact is, I don't know how the end result I desire can be best accomplished in my particular situation - there might be any number of ways. Why intend what I think the journey entails instead of just intending the goal itself and let God and universal mind figure out how to get me there?
So I'm not going to try to astral project any more. What's funny is that virtually every time I've tried to astral project, either my body or circumstances make it very difficult to spend much quality time doing it. I start getting allergy drainage which is very distracting, I constantly need to take a drink, or the dogs intervene. It's like I was already subconsciously trying to steer myself away from this particular practice, but it didn't even occur to me that it was an unnecessary focus on my part.
Instead, in addition to my prayers and meditation, I'm going to add more time to simply intending to be with Irene and imagining/envisioning us together. This goes along with some of the other stuff the guy said in the video that I'm not going to talk about yet because I've asked Irene and my spirit team to confirm or reject going down that particular path. I'll let you know how that goes.
August 24, 2017 Thursday (Later) - Hurricane Harvey
Apparently we have some bad weather rolling in. I'm several hundred miles from the Texas coast but hurricane Harvey is apparently already having a widespread effect. It or something has affected me mentally so I'm basically taking the day off. We said our prayers and did a couple of short meditations and my brain is so fried that I decided to just watch TV and take it easy from any heavy thinking or responsibilities other than work.
One thing that struck me today while meditating, quickly. I notice it is really easy to imagine certain parts of our "island home" in the astral, and I also noticed a couple of surprising things Irene said and did when I was imagining us together there. Maybe more about it tomorrow, I just wanted to remind myself here.
August 25, 2017 Friday - Irene and irene
No confirmation so far on the stuff I was talking about the other day, but I guess I didn't need it. Or maybe I was just supposed to make my own decision on it. I guess I had really already made my decision about it and just wanted support in making it.
Anyway, the guy in the video from the other day was talking about how he opened up his ability to speak to the dead. He was a highly skeptical person and didn't believe that talking to the dead or even spirit guides was possible, so he just pretended to be talking to them in his mind. If you've ever had a pretend conversation with someone in your mind, you know what I'm talking about. I would often have long conversations in my head with living people, but it was really just me basically trying to sort something out in my own mind. Come to think about it, they really weren't "conversations" as much as me, in my head, trying to explain to someone (usually my brother Reed) what I was thinking, and by doing that I was sorting it out for myself.
Now, if you remember from earlier in this blog, I have what I call imagined interactions with Irene. In these interactions I do almost all the talking. What this guy said was that he would pretend asking questions and pretend getting answers, all the time thinking he was just making the stuff up in his own head. Eventually, however, the "other" person would say something surprising or specific that he had no way of knowing, and that is where he believed the pretending had turned into actual conversation with someone or something other than himself.
I've experienced things like that too, where I get imagery or information that doesn't feel like it's something I generated. It would occur easily and without my specific input and usually causes a huge emotional impact. I called those instances "envisionings" of Irene.
Anyway, I already have "conversations" with Irene in my head (as well as out loud on my end), even though they are mostly one-sided because I didn't really think that she could really just respond. I have thought all this time that her "responses" would have to be in her voice or carry that emotional weight before I should consider the info to be actually from her. If her part of the conversation in my head was in a "neutral" voice, I just assumed it was me supplying her side of the conversation for my own benefit.
I really didn't know how to process this yesterday so I think my mind just kind of shut down for a day for repairs. This morning, though, things are different. This morning I woke up, feel absolutely great and have been able to process it. I don't need confirmation because I want to go this route and there's no downside to it. There's no reason not to go this route.
I'm not going to assert in this blog or anywhere else that these "pretend" conversations with Irene in my head are actual conversations with her, but that is what I'm going to believe for myself. I've tried it out this morning and it feels great, and irene (little "i" for "imagined Irene") said some things I hadn't thought of and which were very, very useful in putting this new system or view in context.
First, irene pointed out that we already had a similar communication in our heads before she died - I would know what she was thinking and it seemed to me that they were just my own thoughts. This would happen on a daily basis. Second, she said that we, as soul mates, were essentially one "being" anyway, and that sharing a flow of thoughts and images was easy and natural for us, and that a lot of it would, of course, seem like it was "coming from my own mind" even if it was from her because we are that connected and in sync.
As to why her voice in my head sounded neutral, I got a very interesting response. She said to think of it as "texting". That is also why it is so open to interpretation as to whom it is coming from and even what some of it means. At this stage, it's easy for her to "text" me (talk in the irene voice/perspective), but that means the interaction carries less of a sense of authenticity - just like texting. It's not like talking in person or on the phone. It's easy for her to do, but the problem is really getting me to accept it and actually listen.
She also said that over time this will increase our capacity to communicate better and more clearly. I see it as exercising the faith, trust and intuition aspects of my mind/spirit - something I've realized may be part of my reason to still be here.
Here's the kicker, though, something I worked out in my mind this morning when I was working to intellectually justify doing this. Let's say I'm actually just "pretending" - that Irene is really not sending me irene messages via my mental conversations and it's all just me. So what? (1) It makes me happy, and happy is the vibration I want, (2) it keeps me focused on and intending communication with Irene; (3) it exercises my faith, trust and intuition, and (4) it affirms my growing connection to her in an "actualized" or current sense with a happy emotional charge. The "pretending" process can't hurt me because it's not like I'm going to pretend to tell myself to do something idiotic or stupid and I certainly wouldn't accept that such a thing would actually coming from Irene. I'm not going to try to represent it to anyone as actually conversing with Irene. There is literally no downside to this and it can only help me achieve what I'm trying to achieve.
irene keeps telling me "it doesn't have to be difficult" and "don't overthink it". Part of my problem is that if it isn't difficult, I tend to think it isn't real or valuable - but there's literally no downside to this, it's easy, feels great and I can do it anytime I want, all I want.
So, all this time I've been telling myself that I won't believe I'm actually talking with/experiencing Irene until I astral project and can encounter her with full, total clarity. Now, I believe I am already talking to her, easily and comfortably.
There's more to this, but enough for now. I'm having such a great day!
August 26, 2017 Saturday - Major Confirmation!!!
Yesterday when I meditated and pursued my new "irene" dialogue (imagined or pretend responses), I did get some surprising, specific and emotion-laden moments. I also noticed that her side of the conversation isn't really totally neutral sounding - it's of a slightly different tone, than my own in my head. It's slightly closer to Irene's voice than neutral.
In one image Irene was dressed like an island girl in a sarong and had white flowers in her hair. The sarong was white at the bottom but had color at the top. She was tan and had very long, rich dark hair and a really beautiful smile on her face. She was on the other side of the main pool of our "island home". Seeing her really made me catch my breath and made my heart start racing. Now, I've seen images of Irene many times in my mind but only a few times do they cause this reaction, and it's always when an image just pops into my mind. I certainly wasn't trying to picture her this way.
We've got more Hurricane Harvey weather today, and once again my brain is fried.
-------------
It's about 4 hours after I wrote the above. My son called me to ask if I wanted to go with him and his wife to see an early showing of The Dark Tower. We usually like to see new movies about a week after they start but we all had so much going on we forgot about The Dark Tower coming out so we were way behind schedule on it - it's been out in theaters about 3 weeks. I figured I wasn't going to be able to do anything else with a fried brain, so why not?
For two days I've been looking for the confirmation I had asked for on the 24th about the new "imaginary Irene" protocol. By this morning I had forgotten about it because I had already decided to go with it. However, while I was looking for it in stuff I watched on TV or read on the computer, I realized how hard it would be to get a message to me, especially one that would resonate as much as I wanted this one to. It's a pretty specific request for them to somehow get the "It's really Irene talking to you in your head" message to me.
Before the movie, there was a trailer for American Assassin, and here's the quote from it. The man and woman couldn't believe that the person they were looking for was someone they knew. Woman: "It can’t be him." Man: "It’s him, Irene. It’s Ghost." I almost lost it. I immediately knew it was my confirmation, but more came during the movie when a seer starts talking to Jack telepathically, he turns to Roland and says in disbelief, "I hear her voice ... in my head!" I almost lost it again. I still can hardly believe it. I wasn't even looking for the confirmation anymore - I had totally forgotten about it with my fried brain today.
August 24, 2017 Thursday - A Change In Routine And Perspective
Yesterday I watched a really interesting video. The guy doing the presentation was apparently associated with Lifeline Center as he kept referring to an organization called "LifeLine". He outlined some of the techniques he used for interacting with those in the afterlife realms and getting information from people on the other side. I'm still in the process of personally evaluating that information but there are a couple of things that definitely resonated with me.
I've talked many times about how what my job is, is to set my intentions. He had a very nice exercise in understanding, in a very real away, what "setting an intention" means by staring at your finger and paying very close attention to how you feel the instant before you deliberately make it bend forward. That act - indeed, any deliberate action - is generated by intention and so we have a clear means of focusing on what intention is and what it feels like.
While that is worth further investigation and discussion here, it's his perspective on astral projecting that really hit home. He said it's just not necessary in order to be with and interact with your "departed" loved ones. While I already knew that was true (certain kinds of interaction), it got me to thinking though about how my intention to astral project is unnecessary because it isn't astral projecting, per se, that I want to accomplish.
What I want to accomplish is being able to interact with Irene in perfect clarity - in the manner described by NDEers and OOBEers. I don't really care how that happens - I might die of a heart attack in the middle of the night and accomplish it. Or, I might just find myself with her without going through the conscious process of leaving my body. The fact is, I don't know how the end result I desire can be best accomplished in my particular situation - there might be any number of ways. Why intend what I think the journey entails instead of just intending the goal itself and let God and universal mind figure out how to get me there?
So I'm not going to try to astral project any more. What's funny is that virtually every time I've tried to astral project, either my body or circumstances make it very difficult to spend much quality time doing it. I start getting allergy drainage which is very distracting, I constantly need to take a drink, or the dogs intervene. It's like I was already subconsciously trying to steer myself away from this particular practice, but it didn't even occur to me that it was an unnecessary focus on my part.
Instead, in addition to my prayers and meditation, I'm going to add more time to simply intending to be with Irene and imagining/envisioning us together. This goes along with some of the other stuff the guy said in the video that I'm not going to talk about yet because I've asked Irene and my spirit team to confirm or reject going down that particular path. I'll let you know how that goes.
August 24, 2017 Thursday (Later) - Hurricane Harvey
Apparently we have some bad weather rolling in. I'm several hundred miles from the Texas coast but hurricane Harvey is apparently already having a widespread effect. It or something has affected me mentally so I'm basically taking the day off. We said our prayers and did a couple of short meditations and my brain is so fried that I decided to just watch TV and take it easy from any heavy thinking or responsibilities other than work.
One thing that struck me today while meditating, quickly. I notice it is really easy to imagine certain parts of our "island home" in the astral, and I also noticed a couple of surprising things Irene said and did when I was imagining us together there. Maybe more about it tomorrow, I just wanted to remind myself here.
August 25, 2017 Friday - Irene and irene
No confirmation so far on the stuff I was talking about the other day, but I guess I didn't need it. Or maybe I was just supposed to make my own decision on it. I guess I had really already made my decision about it and just wanted support in making it.
Anyway, the guy in the video from the other day was talking about how he opened up his ability to speak to the dead. He was a highly skeptical person and didn't believe that talking to the dead or even spirit guides was possible, so he just pretended to be talking to them in his mind. If you've ever had a pretend conversation with someone in your mind, you know what I'm talking about. I would often have long conversations in my head with living people, but it was really just me basically trying to sort something out in my own mind. Come to think about it, they really weren't "conversations" as much as me, in my head, trying to explain to someone (usually my brother Reed) what I was thinking, and by doing that I was sorting it out for myself.
Now, if you remember from earlier in this blog, I have what I call imagined interactions with Irene. In these interactions I do almost all the talking. What this guy said was that he would pretend asking questions and pretend getting answers, all the time thinking he was just making the stuff up in his own head. Eventually, however, the "other" person would say something surprising or specific that he had no way of knowing, and that is where he believed the pretending had turned into actual conversation with someone or something other than himself.
I've experienced things like that too, where I get imagery or information that doesn't feel like it's something I generated. It would occur easily and without my specific input and usually causes a huge emotional impact. I called those instances "envisionings" of Irene.
Anyway, I already have "conversations" with Irene in my head (as well as out loud on my end), even though they are mostly one-sided because I didn't really think that she could really just respond. I have thought all this time that her "responses" would have to be in her voice or carry that emotional weight before I should consider the info to be actually from her. If her part of the conversation in my head was in a "neutral" voice, I just assumed it was me supplying her side of the conversation for my own benefit.
I really didn't know how to process this yesterday so I think my mind just kind of shut down for a day for repairs. This morning, though, things are different. This morning I woke up, feel absolutely great and have been able to process it. I don't need confirmation because I want to go this route and there's no downside to it. There's no reason not to go this route.
I'm not going to assert in this blog or anywhere else that these "pretend" conversations with Irene in my head are actual conversations with her, but that is what I'm going to believe for myself. I've tried it out this morning and it feels great, and irene (little "i" for "imagined Irene") said some things I hadn't thought of and which were very, very useful in putting this new system or view in context.
First, irene pointed out that we already had a similar communication in our heads before she died - I would know what she was thinking and it seemed to me that they were just my own thoughts. This would happen on a daily basis. Second, she said that we, as soul mates, were essentially one "being" anyway, and that sharing a flow of thoughts and images was easy and natural for us, and that a lot of it would, of course, seem like it was "coming from my own mind" even if it was from her because we are that connected and in sync.
As to why her voice in my head sounded neutral, I got a very interesting response. She said to think of it as "texting". That is also why it is so open to interpretation as to whom it is coming from and even what some of it means. At this stage, it's easy for her to "text" me (talk in the irene voice/perspective), but that means the interaction carries less of a sense of authenticity - just like texting. It's not like talking in person or on the phone. It's easy for her to do, but the problem is really getting me to accept it and actually listen.
She also said that over time this will increase our capacity to communicate better and more clearly. I see it as exercising the faith, trust and intuition aspects of my mind/spirit - something I've realized may be part of my reason to still be here.
Here's the kicker, though, something I worked out in my mind this morning when I was working to intellectually justify doing this. Let's say I'm actually just "pretending" - that Irene is really not sending me irene messages via my mental conversations and it's all just me. So what? (1) It makes me happy, and happy is the vibration I want, (2) it keeps me focused on and intending communication with Irene; (3) it exercises my faith, trust and intuition, and (4) it affirms my growing connection to her in an "actualized" or current sense with a happy emotional charge. The "pretending" process can't hurt me because it's not like I'm going to pretend to tell myself to do something idiotic or stupid and I certainly wouldn't accept that such a thing would actually coming from Irene. I'm not going to try to represent it to anyone as actually conversing with Irene. There is literally no downside to this and it can only help me achieve what I'm trying to achieve.
irene keeps telling me "it doesn't have to be difficult" and "don't overthink it". Part of my problem is that if it isn't difficult, I tend to think it isn't real or valuable - but there's literally no downside to this, it's easy, feels great and I can do it anytime I want, all I want.
So, all this time I've been telling myself that I won't believe I'm actually talking with/experiencing Irene until I astral project and can encounter her with full, total clarity. Now, I believe I am already talking to her, easily and comfortably.
There's more to this, but enough for now. I'm having such a great day!
August 26, 2017 Saturday - Major Confirmation!!!
Yesterday when I meditated and pursued my new "irene" dialogue (imagined or pretend responses), I did get some surprising, specific and emotion-laden moments. I also noticed that her side of the conversation isn't really totally neutral sounding - it's of a slightly different tone, than my own in my head. It's slightly closer to Irene's voice than neutral.
In one image Irene was dressed like an island girl in a sarong and had white flowers in her hair. The sarong was white at the bottom but had color at the top. She was tan and had very long, rich dark hair and a really beautiful smile on her face. She was on the other side of the main pool of our "island home". Seeing her really made me catch my breath and made my heart start racing. Now, I've seen images of Irene many times in my mind but only a few times do they cause this reaction, and it's always when an image just pops into my mind. I certainly wasn't trying to picture her this way.
We've got more Hurricane Harvey weather today, and once again my brain is fried.
-------------
It's about 4 hours after I wrote the above. My son called me to ask if I wanted to go with him and his wife to see an early showing of The Dark Tower. We usually like to see new movies about a week after they start but we all had so much going on we forgot about The Dark Tower coming out so we were way behind schedule on it - it's been out in theaters about 3 weeks. I figured I wasn't going to be able to do anything else with a fried brain, so why not?
For two days I've been looking for the confirmation I had asked for on the 24th about the new "imaginary Irene" protocol. By this morning I had forgotten about it because I had already decided to go with it. However, while I was looking for it in stuff I watched on TV or read on the computer, I realized how hard it would be to get a message to me, especially one that would resonate as much as I wanted this one to. It's a pretty specific request for them to somehow get the "It's really Irene talking to you in your head" message to me.
Before the movie, there was a trailer for American Assassin, and here's the quote from it. The man and woman couldn't believe that the person they were looking for was someone they knew. Woman: "It can’t be him." Man: "It’s him, Irene. It’s Ghost." I almost lost it. I immediately knew it was my confirmation, but more came during the movie when a seer starts talking to Jack telepathically, he turns to Roland and says in disbelief, "I hear her voice ... in my head!" I almost lost it again. I still can hardly believe it. I wasn't even looking for the confirmation anymore - I had totally forgotten about it with my fried brain today.
OMG I am so pumped and excited!!! I'm having actual conversations with Irene!! I'm still going to use the little "i" though and I'm not going to claim to others or characterize those conversations as actual conversations, but I do now actually believe - for myself - that I'm having two-way dialogue with her. I've got more to write about this later.
August 26, 2017 Saturday (Later) - Tuning In
I've been thinking about thought, speech, imagery and focusing attention/intention. I was thinking about what happens when you're talking. Most "talking" is an automatic process - you're in a conversation and things occur to you to say and you say them. But, do you construct the sentence, or the paragraph, in your mind before talking? Have you worked out all the words you are going to say, and in what order? Do you fully work out an idea before saying it or writing it down?
The same thing goes on when I'm writing. I'm not thinking out the sentence before I write it, or the whole paragraph before I start. I haven't even articulated the whole idea in my mind before I feel confident that I've got something "in its entirety" I'm about to express. So, what is going on?
I have a sensation in my mind when I'm about to express myself, as if I've found the thought or idea or information I want to express (even without conscious knowledge of all of what it entails). It's like I'm tuning into a cache of thoughts that I recognize by feel, focus on that specific frequency and the words and sentences come out in good order (depending on my skill as a writer or orator). When you think about it, being able to do this is pretty amazing because we don't really know specifically what's coming in through that particular frequency, we just somehow know locate the right cache of information and start interpreting out in language.
I think the same might be true of art - you tune in to a frequency and then something starts coming through. Some artists know - at least for the most part - what art is coming through, but for others it's a mystery until they produce it. A lot of writers are this way, and I've heard that many scientists who have made great inventions or leaps of knowledge did it in a similar fashion.
This "information" has been coming to me since yesterday - that everything we do is about "tuning in" to an information frequency. How to behave, what to say, how to do a thing, what to write, art, music - whatever it is, you "tune in" to it and you start interpreting it. It's what manifesting is about; it's not really creating your own reality but rather tuning in to frequencies and interpreting the information coming through.
"Pretending" or "imagining" is part of this "tuning in" process. So is intention and affirmation and prayer. You're using a built in "tuning" sense to locate the information you're looking for - the frequency - and then interpreting it into the physical world. This is why those who are close can read each other's minds and often feel their pain or emotions; you're tuned in to them and you're already interpreting their frequency.
August 27, 2017 Sunday - Tuning In, Part 2
Memory is also a great example of the tuning process I was talking about yesterday. Usually you can tune in with a simple intention, but sometimes it takes a while to find the memory you want. Do you have any idea how you are sorting through neurons and brain cell pathways to "find" the memory - if, indeed, the brain is even where they are stored?
No, you just focus, the best you can, on what memory you want. When you don't know what the memory is, you're focusing on something else - like a sensation in your mind. This goes back to the exercise in the video I wrote about here that set this whole chain of events in motion, where he said to stare at your finger before you bend it at try to notice the sensation of "intending".
I know exactly what that sensation is - I have it when I'm thinking about "what I should do" or write or draw or how to contact Irene; I can feel myself attempting to tune into a frequency where those things or the path to them will become clear. The words or images will come to me. I'm not "inventing" or "creating"; I'm tuning in to the frequency of what I am intending. Intending is itself the initializing of the process of manifesting a set of reality frequencies.
This morning I was having some more "fried brain" issues where I couldn't think and my body/mind was having difficulties doing anything other than old habits/patterns that were not being of much help to me. Somehow my ability to tune into the frequency I wanted was being hampered - I thought maybe by weather, or by my empathic connection to others, or simply by some reluctant aspect of myself that was attempting to sabotage my own efforts and stay in the current frequencies. It's the state where all you want to do are things that are not really ultimately in your long-term best interest and you feel frustrated and frazzled.
I don't really know what it was, but I decided to just lie down, not do anything, and try to sleep or just quiet my mind by focusing on nothing but happy, soothing imagery. Let my mind just flow into frequencies of what I wanted. The important thing was to not let my mental state further make me actually do things that were not helping.
A couple of hours later I got up - I don't know for sure if I even slept or not - but my mind was quieted and I felt great, able to get some work done. A friend came over to pick up some business cards I had made for him and we talked about him re-shingling the part of my house that needs it.
I feel like this is a valuable aspect of understanding and actualizing the reality-tuning for my benefit. When I get frazzled or am feeling moody, panicked or just weird and my mind is too jumpy to meditate, just lie down, close my eyes, and find my happy place. Actualizing the reality frequency of my happy place with Irene is more important than anything else I can do.
August 26, 2017 Saturday (Later) - Tuning In
I've been thinking about thought, speech, imagery and focusing attention/intention. I was thinking about what happens when you're talking. Most "talking" is an automatic process - you're in a conversation and things occur to you to say and you say them. But, do you construct the sentence, or the paragraph, in your mind before talking? Have you worked out all the words you are going to say, and in what order? Do you fully work out an idea before saying it or writing it down?
The same thing goes on when I'm writing. I'm not thinking out the sentence before I write it, or the whole paragraph before I start. I haven't even articulated the whole idea in my mind before I feel confident that I've got something "in its entirety" I'm about to express. So, what is going on?
I have a sensation in my mind when I'm about to express myself, as if I've found the thought or idea or information I want to express (even without conscious knowledge of all of what it entails). It's like I'm tuning into a cache of thoughts that I recognize by feel, focus on that specific frequency and the words and sentences come out in good order (depending on my skill as a writer or orator). When you think about it, being able to do this is pretty amazing because we don't really know specifically what's coming in through that particular frequency, we just somehow know locate the right cache of information and start interpreting out in language.
I think the same might be true of art - you tune in to a frequency and then something starts coming through. Some artists know - at least for the most part - what art is coming through, but for others it's a mystery until they produce it. A lot of writers are this way, and I've heard that many scientists who have made great inventions or leaps of knowledge did it in a similar fashion.
This "information" has been coming to me since yesterday - that everything we do is about "tuning in" to an information frequency. How to behave, what to say, how to do a thing, what to write, art, music - whatever it is, you "tune in" to it and you start interpreting it. It's what manifesting is about; it's not really creating your own reality but rather tuning in to frequencies and interpreting the information coming through.
"Pretending" or "imagining" is part of this "tuning in" process. So is intention and affirmation and prayer. You're using a built in "tuning" sense to locate the information you're looking for - the frequency - and then interpreting it into the physical world. This is why those who are close can read each other's minds and often feel their pain or emotions; you're tuned in to them and you're already interpreting their frequency.
August 27, 2017 Sunday - Tuning In, Part 2
Memory is also a great example of the tuning process I was talking about yesterday. Usually you can tune in with a simple intention, but sometimes it takes a while to find the memory you want. Do you have any idea how you are sorting through neurons and brain cell pathways to "find" the memory - if, indeed, the brain is even where they are stored?
No, you just focus, the best you can, on what memory you want. When you don't know what the memory is, you're focusing on something else - like a sensation in your mind. This goes back to the exercise in the video I wrote about here that set this whole chain of events in motion, where he said to stare at your finger before you bend it at try to notice the sensation of "intending".
I know exactly what that sensation is - I have it when I'm thinking about "what I should do" or write or draw or how to contact Irene; I can feel myself attempting to tune into a frequency where those things or the path to them will become clear. The words or images will come to me. I'm not "inventing" or "creating"; I'm tuning in to the frequency of what I am intending. Intending is itself the initializing of the process of manifesting a set of reality frequencies.
This morning I was having some more "fried brain" issues where I couldn't think and my body/mind was having difficulties doing anything other than old habits/patterns that were not being of much help to me. Somehow my ability to tune into the frequency I wanted was being hampered - I thought maybe by weather, or by my empathic connection to others, or simply by some reluctant aspect of myself that was attempting to sabotage my own efforts and stay in the current frequencies. It's the state where all you want to do are things that are not really ultimately in your long-term best interest and you feel frustrated and frazzled.
I don't really know what it was, but I decided to just lie down, not do anything, and try to sleep or just quiet my mind by focusing on nothing but happy, soothing imagery. Let my mind just flow into frequencies of what I wanted. The important thing was to not let my mental state further make me actually do things that were not helping.
A couple of hours later I got up - I don't know for sure if I even slept or not - but my mind was quieted and I felt great, able to get some work done. A friend came over to pick up some business cards I had made for him and we talked about him re-shingling the part of my house that needs it.
I feel like this is a valuable aspect of understanding and actualizing the reality-tuning for my benefit. When I get frazzled or am feeling moody, panicked or just weird and my mind is too jumpy to meditate, just lie down, close my eyes, and find my happy place. Actualizing the reality frequency of my happy place with Irene is more important than anything else I can do.
August 28, 2017 Monday - My Spirit Guide's Name?
I've been getting a lot of new information through "irene". I can't express here enough what that imagined time with her is doing for me now that I believe I am actually connecting to her - it's so satisfying, calming, fun, informative, and it makes me very, very happy. The information coming in is extremely interesting. Yesterday she was telling me about how my "presence" there is still a very light presence, that there are a lot of things there I'm not present enough yet to sense. One thing she said was that our house - the structure, the things in it - when you're fully over there, you can feel these things when you touch them to a much more intense degree than things you touch in the physical world. She showed me how she used to tell me how she knew what things to get, or what to put in the house or get rid of by how they "spoke" to her.
She told me when she first saw this house that it "hugged" her when she walked in and that's how she knew we would get it (even though we had no financial means to do so). When she would go shopping things would tell her that she needed them in her life. I can see now that her knick-knacks, dream catchers, wind chimes, little buffalo and seahorse figurines, puzzles, etc. were in vibrational harmony with our astral natures and our astral life, and these were things that helped maintain her frequency connection here. I totally understand that now after her explanation.
These things meant a lot to her because she could actually feel them in a way I couldn't at the time. She could feel their vibration. I've gotten better at this though - it's how I choose what goes into my Love After Life Pinterest boards. It's why I got Ivori to fix up the front yard with new flowering plants and rebuild Irene's pyramid; why I put up the fairy lights in the tree and why I got Robert to make me some new planters. It's also to a large degree how I've chosen what to keep and what to get rid of. The things I've kept connect me to Irene and our home in the astral/heavenly dimension.
Yesterday when I was meditating and imagining interacting with Irene in our astral home out by the pool, at one point I asked her something and she said "Well let me introduce you to your spirit guide Thomas." She was leading someone into my field of vision but I immediately snapped out of the imagery. That was really, really strange.
A couple of months ago I had told my spirit guide that if he/she wanted me to know his/her name, to just present it to me here in a way I would understand. I really didn't (and still don't) care that much about any "spirit guides" I may have other than to thank them for any help they may be giving me. I joke with them (if they are there) about not knowing their names or giving them any credit for anything that has happened since Irene died. They know (I assume) that virtually all of my interest and attention is about increasing the connection between Irene and myself.
I had forgotten all about asking for my spirit guide's name and certainly wasn't thinking about it while I was meditating, so that comment and act by Irene was totally out of left field. So I told my spirit guide that if his name was Thomas, give me some additional confirmation.
Later, Robert and Shanna came over for dinner and to watch some television - The Defenders and Game of Thrones. On The Defenders, there was this character who had lived for centuries and had gone by many different names in the past, and we saw her signatures on several legal documents dating back to the early 1800's. Her last name one several was "Thompson". If it wasn't for the fact that the character had lived several lifetimes under that last name I probably would have discounted the near-miss on the name. However, it still made me laugh and I said to my guide later (if he was listening) that I would start calling him "Thomas", but that I would like another confirmation.
So far today I've had two really great meditations - both left me feeling totally buzzed with a really pleasant vibration going on in my head. When I have visualized irene during these times she has presented more very interesting imagery and information. A series of scenes sprang into my mind - in one we were at a futuristic amusement park and we were in a really cool ride. In another we were taking a trip out to some big, cool buildings out in the ocean on some kind of futuristic boat; in another we were standing in some kind of outdoor observatory where they could make the whole sky look like we were on a different world. My intent that preceded these things was to expand our imagined experience of the afterlife beyond our island home.
I've also found I can now imagine irene just about any time and anywhere. I can imagine a scene with her with my eyes open and it will seem like it is superimposed over whatever I'm looking at in the physical world. When I was walking the dogs yesterday irene started telling me why I can't "perfectly" visualize her and why sometimes when I get a pretty good look my heart starts racing and I have to catch my breath; she said that when I get a glimpse of what she really looks like - who she really is - I recognize her from our life there and some part of me reacts to all that we are together there. She said it would be more difficult for me to live here right now if I could experience that fully. It makes sense - it was hard to do anything else when we first met. She was all I could think of day and night.
All this makes sense - I feel like I'm being slowly acclimated to experience there and with her so that I can "normalize" it over time and still be able to function here. This has been a lot of information in a very short time and it's already hard to keep up with it, much less write it all down in this blog.
August 29, 2017 Tuesday - Getting Buzzed From Meditating
Yesterday's meditations were amazing in that they felt so deep and gave me such a buzzed, "leaving my body" sensation. This morning I guess the weather pressure has changed because I don't feel brain fried - I feel great! It's just crazy how different one day can feel from the next even though nothing has changed with regards to what I know and what my views are.
I've been getting a lot of new information through "irene". I can't express here enough what that imagined time with her is doing for me now that I believe I am actually connecting to her - it's so satisfying, calming, fun, informative, and it makes me very, very happy. The information coming in is extremely interesting. Yesterday she was telling me about how my "presence" there is still a very light presence, that there are a lot of things there I'm not present enough yet to sense. One thing she said was that our house - the structure, the things in it - when you're fully over there, you can feel these things when you touch them to a much more intense degree than things you touch in the physical world. She showed me how she used to tell me how she knew what things to get, or what to put in the house or get rid of by how they "spoke" to her.
She told me when she first saw this house that it "hugged" her when she walked in and that's how she knew we would get it (even though we had no financial means to do so). When she would go shopping things would tell her that she needed them in her life. I can see now that her knick-knacks, dream catchers, wind chimes, little buffalo and seahorse figurines, puzzles, etc. were in vibrational harmony with our astral natures and our astral life, and these were things that helped maintain her frequency connection here. I totally understand that now after her explanation.
These things meant a lot to her because she could actually feel them in a way I couldn't at the time. She could feel their vibration. I've gotten better at this though - it's how I choose what goes into my Love After Life Pinterest boards. It's why I got Ivori to fix up the front yard with new flowering plants and rebuild Irene's pyramid; why I put up the fairy lights in the tree and why I got Robert to make me some new planters. It's also to a large degree how I've chosen what to keep and what to get rid of. The things I've kept connect me to Irene and our home in the astral/heavenly dimension.
Yesterday when I was meditating and imagining interacting with Irene in our astral home out by the pool, at one point I asked her something and she said "Well let me introduce you to your spirit guide Thomas." She was leading someone into my field of vision but I immediately snapped out of the imagery. That was really, really strange.
A couple of months ago I had told my spirit guide that if he/she wanted me to know his/her name, to just present it to me here in a way I would understand. I really didn't (and still don't) care that much about any "spirit guides" I may have other than to thank them for any help they may be giving me. I joke with them (if they are there) about not knowing their names or giving them any credit for anything that has happened since Irene died. They know (I assume) that virtually all of my interest and attention is about increasing the connection between Irene and myself.
I had forgotten all about asking for my spirit guide's name and certainly wasn't thinking about it while I was meditating, so that comment and act by Irene was totally out of left field. So I told my spirit guide that if his name was Thomas, give me some additional confirmation.
Later, Robert and Shanna came over for dinner and to watch some television - The Defenders and Game of Thrones. On The Defenders, there was this character who had lived for centuries and had gone by many different names in the past, and we saw her signatures on several legal documents dating back to the early 1800's. Her last name one several was "Thompson". If it wasn't for the fact that the character had lived several lifetimes under that last name I probably would have discounted the near-miss on the name. However, it still made me laugh and I said to my guide later (if he was listening) that I would start calling him "Thomas", but that I would like another confirmation.
So far today I've had two really great meditations - both left me feeling totally buzzed with a really pleasant vibration going on in my head. When I have visualized irene during these times she has presented more very interesting imagery and information. A series of scenes sprang into my mind - in one we were at a futuristic amusement park and we were in a really cool ride. In another we were taking a trip out to some big, cool buildings out in the ocean on some kind of futuristic boat; in another we were standing in some kind of outdoor observatory where they could make the whole sky look like we were on a different world. My intent that preceded these things was to expand our imagined experience of the afterlife beyond our island home.
I've also found I can now imagine irene just about any time and anywhere. I can imagine a scene with her with my eyes open and it will seem like it is superimposed over whatever I'm looking at in the physical world. When I was walking the dogs yesterday irene started telling me why I can't "perfectly" visualize her and why sometimes when I get a pretty good look my heart starts racing and I have to catch my breath; she said that when I get a glimpse of what she really looks like - who she really is - I recognize her from our life there and some part of me reacts to all that we are together there. She said it would be more difficult for me to live here right now if I could experience that fully. It makes sense - it was hard to do anything else when we first met. She was all I could think of day and night.
All this makes sense - I feel like I'm being slowly acclimated to experience there and with her so that I can "normalize" it over time and still be able to function here. This has been a lot of information in a very short time and it's already hard to keep up with it, much less write it all down in this blog.
August 29, 2017 Tuesday - Getting Buzzed From Meditating
Yesterday's meditations were amazing in that they felt so deep and gave me such a buzzed, "leaving my body" sensation. This morning I guess the weather pressure has changed because I don't feel brain fried - I feel great! It's just crazy how different one day can feel from the next even though nothing has changed with regards to what I know and what my views are.
This morning irene let me know that some of what I feel doesn't start with me - that she gets to missing me as well in the same way - I'm not "with her" in a tangible sense, even if she can sense me and see me better than I can see her. Some of the time I'm feeling her missing me. I realize that even if we were both in the physical and I could talk to her or even video chat, I'd still miss her terribly, which makes me wonder if even being able to visit her tangibly in the astral would put an end to all such feelings. I suppose it would depend on how often I could do it and how "real" the communication/interaction felt.
The meditation is still producing the deep relaxation and buzzed sensation today. Almost as soon as I start meditation I'm immediately, deeply relaxed and have the very calming sense that Irene is with me. From there I do a little intention setting, some affirmations, then some imagining/envisioning. By the time I'm done I feel as high as a kite and that lasts for a few minutes even after I stop.
I've been spending less time looking at videos and immersing myself in afterlife literature. I'm not sure what else I am going to get out of such support. I feel like you can't really "learn" a bunch of specifics about the afterlife unless you start adopting someone else's manifestation and perspective, which I don't want to do. I think I've gotten all the support I need as far as confirmation about all the fundamental aspects of the afterlife that are important to me. Now it's really more about personal contact and information directly from Irene and my spirit guides and making those connections and interactions as clear as possible.
I'm confident in my daily routine - setting intentions, using affirmation and prayer, meditating, imagining and envisioning. Although it is just my part of team effort, I can't lose sight of the fact that what it has produced in my life in a very short time is remarkable.
August 30, 2017 Wednesday - Crazy Reality Talk
This morning I feel great again. I feel like I've figured out some discipline I can use for when my brain starts getting fried. A couple of good ideas came to me this morning having to do with the blog and the other was about some good Pinterest memes which I've started on.
I guess collecting the Pinterest memes and images that resonate with me is a good exercise in intention and finding that which resonates with my vibrational frequency. I love collecting the ones that remind me of our astral life, home, world and exemplify our relationship - both to ourselves and to the world.
There may be some of you that think I'm going off the edge when I talk about realities and different dimensions, but I really don't know how else to characterize the things I've experienced and to reconcile that experience with the experiences of others. I don't know what this world - this reality is - but when you experience some of the bizarre "coincidences" I and others have experienced with regard to their passed love ones, this world can't be what it seems to be.
How would someone on the other side arrange events in this world so that a message or a confirmation appears to you exactly at the right time and in exactly the right way? Do they change car tags or movie times, alter what's on TV or the dialogue? Do they move other people and things around to suit their goal?
If you believe in the power of prayer, intention and manifestation, how do those things comport with the idea of a single, solid universe that everyone is co-inhabiting? The math doesn't add up. There's just no way what each individual experiences as "reality" is the same for everyone and that reality be a single one we all co-inhabit. There has to be multiple realities that co-exist where they can and diverge where they cannot. I don't know how that would work, how the variances and multiple versions of people would be accommodated or integrated, but something extraordinary must be at work. Our concept of what reality is must be severely limited.
I don't claim that my perspective is the correct one, but that's why I use the terminology I do. I don't know exactly what it means to use intention and affirmation to tune into reality frequencies, but I can tell you that it does seem to be a good approximate model inasmuch as it seems to deliver results. I can also say with confidence that I'm not "competing" with other over a single reality. All I have to think about is keeping my focus on what I truly want - reuniting completely with Irene.
I felt a cool breeze outside today and it felt like my skin had an orgasm. So awesome. I sat on the swing out front and talked with irene and felt completely happy.
August 31, 2017 Thursday - I'm Really Not A Spiritual Person
I know this might sound strange after reading prior entries, but I really don't consider myself a "spiritual" person. Unlike a lot of people that believe in and talk about the afterlife, souls, soul-mates, etc., I don't see it all as part of some kind of grand "spiritual advancement" plan where souls learn and grow and become more loving and kind, etc. I don't really consider talking about multiple realities and afterlife dimensions to be any more "spiritual" than talking about other planets, solar systems and galaxies, or talking about parallel quantum universes.
The meditation is still producing the deep relaxation and buzzed sensation today. Almost as soon as I start meditation I'm immediately, deeply relaxed and have the very calming sense that Irene is with me. From there I do a little intention setting, some affirmations, then some imagining/envisioning. By the time I'm done I feel as high as a kite and that lasts for a few minutes even after I stop.
I've been spending less time looking at videos and immersing myself in afterlife literature. I'm not sure what else I am going to get out of such support. I feel like you can't really "learn" a bunch of specifics about the afterlife unless you start adopting someone else's manifestation and perspective, which I don't want to do. I think I've gotten all the support I need as far as confirmation about all the fundamental aspects of the afterlife that are important to me. Now it's really more about personal contact and information directly from Irene and my spirit guides and making those connections and interactions as clear as possible.
I'm confident in my daily routine - setting intentions, using affirmation and prayer, meditating, imagining and envisioning. Although it is just my part of team effort, I can't lose sight of the fact that what it has produced in my life in a very short time is remarkable.
August 30, 2017 Wednesday - Crazy Reality Talk
This morning I feel great again. I feel like I've figured out some discipline I can use for when my brain starts getting fried. A couple of good ideas came to me this morning having to do with the blog and the other was about some good Pinterest memes which I've started on.
I guess collecting the Pinterest memes and images that resonate with me is a good exercise in intention and finding that which resonates with my vibrational frequency. I love collecting the ones that remind me of our astral life, home, world and exemplify our relationship - both to ourselves and to the world.
There may be some of you that think I'm going off the edge when I talk about realities and different dimensions, but I really don't know how else to characterize the things I've experienced and to reconcile that experience with the experiences of others. I don't know what this world - this reality is - but when you experience some of the bizarre "coincidences" I and others have experienced with regard to their passed love ones, this world can't be what it seems to be.
How would someone on the other side arrange events in this world so that a message or a confirmation appears to you exactly at the right time and in exactly the right way? Do they change car tags or movie times, alter what's on TV or the dialogue? Do they move other people and things around to suit their goal?
If you believe in the power of prayer, intention and manifestation, how do those things comport with the idea of a single, solid universe that everyone is co-inhabiting? The math doesn't add up. There's just no way what each individual experiences as "reality" is the same for everyone and that reality be a single one we all co-inhabit. There has to be multiple realities that co-exist where they can and diverge where they cannot. I don't know how that would work, how the variances and multiple versions of people would be accommodated or integrated, but something extraordinary must be at work. Our concept of what reality is must be severely limited.
I don't claim that my perspective is the correct one, but that's why I use the terminology I do. I don't know exactly what it means to use intention and affirmation to tune into reality frequencies, but I can tell you that it does seem to be a good approximate model inasmuch as it seems to deliver results. I can also say with confidence that I'm not "competing" with other over a single reality. All I have to think about is keeping my focus on what I truly want - reuniting completely with Irene.
I felt a cool breeze outside today and it felt like my skin had an orgasm. So awesome. I sat on the swing out front and talked with irene and felt completely happy.
August 31, 2017 Thursday - I'm Really Not A Spiritual Person
I know this might sound strange after reading prior entries, but I really don't consider myself a "spiritual" person. Unlike a lot of people that believe in and talk about the afterlife, souls, soul-mates, etc., I don't see it all as part of some kind of grand "spiritual advancement" plan where souls learn and grow and become more loving and kind, etc. I don't really consider talking about multiple realities and afterlife dimensions to be any more "spiritual" than talking about other planets, solar systems and galaxies, or talking about parallel quantum universes.
If this were a science fiction movie, in my opinion life here on the Earth we're used to would be like a "hologram deck" out of Star Trek that we visit from time to time, and our real life is actually outside of the "holodeck" world we call the physical universe. It's like a role-playing game we willingly enter in order to have certain kinds of experiences for various reasons, experiences that are unavailable to us except through physical incarnation where we lose our memory of where we came from and are faced with a mortal existence in a world full of things that simply don't exist in our true life beyond the veil of death.
Now, don't get me wrong - I don't think the physical universe is exactly like a holodeck; I think it is as real as any other dimension that exists. I just don't think it's our real home.
I believe Irene and I came here for very specific reasons - not to "advance our soul" or gain ground on higher spiritual levels or because of karma or fix some sort of spiritual flaw. No, I think we came here to develop in ourselves a greater capacity to enjoy, appreciate and love each other, our friends and family, and the very nature of our true home. There may have been other reasons. I wouldn't call such an effort spiritual or spiritual advancement; it's more like going to some kind of training camp to acquire certain skills and perspectives.
I don't think our going to heaven/the astral after death is any more of a "spiritual" thing than flying back home after visiting a foreign country. I don't think our astral bodies are any more "spiritual" than our physical bodies. I think people use the term "spiritual" to separate themselves, or what they do or believe, from other things they consider "non-spiritual", when the fact is we're all in the same creation going down whatever path our intention/attention takes us though in this vast multi-reality, multi-dimensional multiverse of experience. How we label it and assign it are just aspects of our own perspective and the particular slice of multidimensional reality we inhabit.
August 31, 2017 Thursday (Later) - How It Is With Us, Right Now
During the day I talk with irene all the time. It's not continuous - I do work and focus on that when I am working, and I do sleep and do other things that require my attention. Occasionally I talk "to" Irene, but now I mostly talk with her and allow myself to "imagine" her responses (as per my post a few days ago about Irene and irene) and her with me.
August 31, 2017 Thursday (Later) - How It Is With Us, Right Now
During the day I talk with irene all the time. It's not continuous - I do work and focus on that when I am working, and I do sleep and do other things that require my attention. Occasionally I talk "to" Irene, but now I mostly talk with her and allow myself to "imagine" her responses (as per my post a few days ago about Irene and irene) and her with me.
This gives me such a great sensation. I feel like she is close and has her attention on me when I do this, as I have my attention on her. When I walk the dogs or do dishes I love to have conversations with her. We talk about the children, grandchildren and our great-grandchild; how we are doing as far as getting through all this; what we plan on doing in the afterlife; what I'm doing here with whatever time I have left; we talk about our lives here and things that we went through.
During these conversations (which, on my end, I speak out loud), we often have a banter that makes me laugh out loud smile broadly with warm appreciation. I will focus on sweet, fun and happy images of us - her walking with me if I'm walking the dogs, sitting up on the counter if I'm washing dishes, or curled up next to me on the couch. The conversation can have fun or intimate moments that make me feel like she is right there with me and we're having a real moment together.
When I meditate this interaction is magnified and extended. If I'm feeling bad, when I meditate I immediately feel better, usually after I take my first breath. I can feel her with me, and in my mind we are both right there, either in this world or in hers, and we are both working at making our communication better. My capacity to envision and imagine her gets better and better. I envision us there, in her world, usually not doing anything spectacular but just spending regular time together which we found so enjoyable here.
When I pray, we pray together. It makes for a great sensation as well, that of doing something very special together. I imagine her putting her hand on my heart and me holding that hand - it's very peaceful, calming and intimate. I wish we had done more of this together when she was alive, but really it didn't occur to us because we had our hands and minds full of the challenges of the world. Now, however, we get to do all we want together, not even limited by my physical world restrictions because we can use the power of our minds to take us anywhere and do anything we want.
While these are not "real" experiences in the sense of tangible phsysicality, they do - over time and the more we do it - provide the same psychological effects of "actually" being with each other. I feel like we are actually together; I feel like our relationship not only still exists, but is getting even stronger; I feel whole and complete; I feel calm, happy and joyful most of the time; I feel excited and enthusiastic about what we're doing together. There is no sense of loss or grief the vast majority of the time; there is no worry that we are drifting apart; there is no loneliness; there is very little sorrow of "missing" her, although I do miss her, it's often an anticipatory feeling. I have no anxiety most of the time about us or our situation because we've already won and now we're just finishing out what time I have left here in as positive and good a fashion as we can.
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