Love After Life

I think it might be because I got into an argument on a blog and those arguments have always left me feeling emotionally drained and somewhat unstable. I really need to stay away from that - I hadn't done any of that in probably a year and I don't even know why I went back to that blog and engaged. Anyway, I got to missing Irene again today, but feeling sad and crying for a few minutes wasn't really a bad thing.  It got me to thinking about how far we've come, what we've accomplished so far in a very short period of time. It's really remarkable when you think about it. As emotionally committed as I am to her, and as constantly together as we were, and as much as she means to me, the fact that now, four months later, I'm fully happy most of the time is nothing short of astonishing.  I can't overstate this.  I should have been completely destroyed by Irene's death.  I should be inconsolable and utterly miserable all day every day.  There have been da...

Well this hasn't been the greatest of days, but if this is my new "bad day", then I'll take it as huge progress. For the past few days it's been very difficult to get meditation in.  Here and there a really good one, but overall I've noticed it becoming more difficult, not easier.  They've been deeper when I am able to get into it, but it's been a challenge.  Today it's late and I haven't had a single good meditation today. Plus, I've felt totally out of sorts, moody and whiney.  My brain felt like it was someone else's all day long.  Maybe because of the weather lately? Who knows. Woke up with something irritating my good eye and that lasted all morning.  When you only have one functioning eye that kind of thing can be quite unsettling. Now my vision has been blurry all day. Just great. I threw some stuff out for trash day tomorrow and did a lot of crying over it, but it wasn't really all that bad - I think I just wanted to c...

I'm up at stupid o’clock in the morning sick with grief.  Have come to think of this condition as being one of physiological withdrawal, like going cold-turkey off the world’s most powerful drug. It doesn’t matter that you know it’s temporary; it doesn’t matter that you know it’s withdrawal; you still get sick, shake, vomit, and will do anything to make it stop.  You scream and shout and beg god for relief, cry and feel like the whole world is coming to an end, feel like you can’t breathe and you’re dying, everything looks bleak and hopeless.   There’s a big gaping wound deep in you until the physiological “addiction” hopefully wears off over time.  You cannot talk or rationalize yourself out of it, so IMO just accept the it is going to happen and go through it.  That's all you can do. If you have to curl up and sob or kneel by the side of your bed and pray for an hour, just do it.  Just freaking do it.  Scream, shout, whimper, groan, the he...