Love After Life

The evening of December 5th, after the Automatic Writing Zoom group, I felt all my emotions simply turn off, immediately putting me in a completely dispassionate, detached and totally ambivalent state.  Nothing seemed to cause it or logically precede it, it just happened, like someone went in and turned it all off with the flick of a switch. I felt nothing. No fear, no doubt, no concern, no love for Irene, no love for anyone. I was unworried about my lack of feelings.  There was no reaction to it from me, other than just observation. There were things I could see from this perspective with both a visual and just a "knowledge" sense; Irene and I are eternal twin flame soul mates and what we imagine together is real. I could see what the grief we experienced was going to add to our relationship going forward, and that it was worth paying that price.  More than anything else, I could see that all of this was our choice - even the part about us being twin flames.  We cho...

Good Morning! The blog is all caught up now.  From now on no back-dating - it's all in real time, so there may be several posts a day as I get time to write.  This will serve as my ongoing journal. This morning I did my usual routine of prayer and meditation, but frankly the meditation wasn't very deep - not near as deep as it has been.  I feel like my schedule has been kind of messed up lately and I've been knocked out of my pattern. The good news is that I'm handling it really well.  A few weeks ago I would have been a mess and would have felt awful.  More and more each day I'm feeling "normal".  Even when something hits me and I start crying, I know it will stop and I'll feel fine again.  It doesn't mean I don't miss Irene or love her as much, it just means we're finding that confident balance in our new relationship where I'm not always needing her to prop me up or assure me. I don't want to be that guy.  

I felt better than yesterday most of the day, I think I just got tired at the end and got a little wonky.  Gerra visited.  Talked about what we’re going through with regard to our feelings about Irene. It's nice to have someone to talk openly about it. Did my sessions.  I actually like doing them.  I remember back in my Sant Mat days I hated meditating - I would basically have to force myself to meditate.  I have difficulty focusing, but I still want to meditate, and I feel like I'm doing what I need to.