An Emotionless State
The evening of December 5th, after the Automatic Writing Zoom group, I felt all my emotions simply turn off, immediately putting me in a completely dispassionate, detached and totally ambivalent state. Nothing seemed to cause it or logically precede it, it just happened, like someone went in and turned it all off with the flick of a switch.
I felt nothing. No fear, no doubt, no concern, no love for Irene, no love for anyone. I was unworried about my lack of feelings. There was no reaction to it from me, other than just observation.
There were things I could see from this perspective with both a visual and just a "knowledge" sense; Irene and I are eternal twin flame soul mates and what we imagine together is real. I could see what the grief we experienced was going to add to our relationship going forward, and that it was worth paying that price. More than anything else, I could see that all of this was our choice - even the part about us being twin flames. We chose that and are choosing that. That knowledge didn't please me or not please me, didn't excite me nor did I find it any kind of validation. It was just like looking at something that happened to be there in front of me. It elicited no response from me.
About 24 hours later I saw that this state wasn't going to end on its own; to experience the world of feeling again, I had to make a choice to go there or else I'd just stay in a experience of total ambivalence. It's hard to express, but even the choice to go back to feeling wasn't made with any true desire - it was just a kind of clinical examination about a choice that really didn't even matter in any meaningful way, like choosing to have neopolitan ice cream over vanilla. Neopolitan isn't objectively any better tasting than vanilla and, in fact, it has vanilla in it; it just has other flavors to experience.
So, in my head, I said "I want to feel again," and poof! Just like magic, I had all my feelings back, rushing back through me. Over the next few days, though, I had to continue to make that choice as I kept feeling myself sliding back towards that ambivalence. That's something that the whole experience was very clear about: it's all about making choices, and continuing to make the choices to experience what we want.
I felt nothing. No fear, no doubt, no concern, no love for Irene, no love for anyone. I was unworried about my lack of feelings. There was no reaction to it from me, other than just observation.
There were things I could see from this perspective with both a visual and just a "knowledge" sense; Irene and I are eternal twin flame soul mates and what we imagine together is real. I could see what the grief we experienced was going to add to our relationship going forward, and that it was worth paying that price. More than anything else, I could see that all of this was our choice - even the part about us being twin flames. We chose that and are choosing that. That knowledge didn't please me or not please me, didn't excite me nor did I find it any kind of validation. It was just like looking at something that happened to be there in front of me. It elicited no response from me.
About 24 hours later I saw that this state wasn't going to end on its own; to experience the world of feeling again, I had to make a choice to go there or else I'd just stay in a experience of total ambivalence. It's hard to express, but even the choice to go back to feeling wasn't made with any true desire - it was just a kind of clinical examination about a choice that really didn't even matter in any meaningful way, like choosing to have neopolitan ice cream over vanilla. Neopolitan isn't objectively any better tasting than vanilla and, in fact, it has vanilla in it; it just has other flavors to experience.
So, in my head, I said "I want to feel again," and poof! Just like magic, I had all my feelings back, rushing back through me. Over the next few days, though, I had to continue to make that choice as I kept feeling myself sliding back towards that ambivalence. That's something that the whole experience was very clear about: it's all about making choices, and continuing to make the choices to experience what we want.
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