Love After Life

Sort of a regular day today, although I've had a bit of a negative attitude.  I asked Irene if she was interested in doing EVP, or Electronic Voice Phenomena techniques (recording "white noise" for transdimensional communication).  I got a couple of iffy signals back.  I decided that it wasn't a big deal to try since I can upload recordings from my iPad directly to google drive and then they'll be available on my drive to open with Adobe Audition.  I'm kind of ambivalent about it today.  On the one hand, I'm pretty happy about where we're at, relationship-wise and with my own emotional state, and I'm resistant to doing something that might set me back. On the other hand, I'm really more interested in getting to a point where we can have a full-blown visitation.  I'm not that enthused about poring over hours of recordings to see if I can find Irene's voice, although I must say that would be pretty cool.  The only thing is, I know we ha...

This morning I was thinking more about what I wrote about yesterday and realized that what we've accomplished here in just four months is nothing short of miraculous, every bit as miraculous as it would be for me to astral project and be able to see, hear and touch Irene again. For those of you who may not have ever experienced the kind of grief you experience after the love of your life dies (not necessarily your spouse; it could be a child, parent or someone else), that deep and profound pain is unlike anything else. For many, it ruins everything for pretty much the rest of their lives. As my friend who lost his child told me, you never experience joy again without also feeling the pain of that loss. That kind of grief carries with it an entirely different way of experiencing the world. Even when you feel good, you feel the loss and you also often feel guilty for feeling good. If you aren't thinking about your loved one for even a small time, you're heartbroken about ...

I think it might be because I got into an argument on a blog and those arguments have always left me feeling emotionally drained and somewhat unstable. I really need to stay away from that - I hadn't done any of that in probably a year and I don't even know why I went back to that blog and engaged. Anyway, I got to missing Irene again today, but feeling sad and crying for a few minutes wasn't really a bad thing.  It got me to thinking about how far we've come, what we've accomplished so far in a very short period of time. It's really remarkable when you think about it. As emotionally committed as I am to her, and as constantly together as we were, and as much as she means to me, the fact that now, four months later, I'm fully happy most of the time is nothing short of astonishing.  I can't overstate this.  I should have been completely destroyed by Irene's death.  I should be inconsolable and utterly miserable all day every day.  There have been da...

Woke up feeling great!! What a great, great day yesterday!!! I’m still charged up and so blown away by that video.  I definitely feel like I’m on the exact right track.  I do a 30 minute session after morning prayers, get up and go to work in my office, and for the next few hours I’m in bliss – I can feel Irene in my heart and head. I’m beyond happy, I’m goofy happy, complete and joyful, we’re cracking jokes and talking about stuff we’ve been through and are going through, we talk about yesterday. I play the “I can’t wait” song and it repeats by itself (even though my player is set to “randomize”).  I stop it after the second play and applaud her for making it repeat. We have some more fun and I play the song again, but it doesn’t repeat, an Exile song starts up. Now, Irene is a big Exile fan but I’m not. I think about stopping it but tell her “okay, but just this one, I’m not going to sit through an album’s worth of Exile songs.  Anyway the guy uses the phras...