Love After Life

A week or so ago I moved everything of any kind of value downstairs - so I could stop air-conditioning it - since I never have a reason to go up there anymore and none of the kids ever spend the night up there There's plenty of room downstairs. I moved the stereo into my office and set it up this morning so Irene and I could listen to her country oldies at noon. I turned it on to make sure everything worked and put it on her station to see if the remote worked while I sat at my desk. After I got everything working I asked Irene to play the next song, and it was one I never heard before by Kane Brown, "What Ifs", and the chorus lyrics jumped all over me: "What if I was made for you and you were made for me, what if this is it, what if it's meant to be..."   Irene always told me that God made me just for her and that we were meant to be - she said that exactly, so many times I can't count. She even wrote it down in her journal after we met. I can alway...

I have crashed into a world of hurt today.  My mind latches onto every conceivable thought and feeling to generate more pain and suffering, trying to turn everything into crap – all thoughts of the past, present and future.  My mind is seeking out every conceivable avenue of accumulating pain, despair and regret, and nothing I do seems to give it any pause.  The grief is causing so much confusion in my head, making me doubt everything, wondering if Irene and I are even on the same page, wondering if I'm hurting her with my grief, wondering how she can stand me right now, wondering if she had so many better things to do than to be constantly running to my aid. I realize I can't remember the date we met.  Was it January 10th?  20th?  I can't believe I can't remember.  I plunge even further into despair. At one point I started the Long Island Medium recording (the magic flower commercial) to try and see the flower commercial again. It wouldn’t ...