Worth It

A week or so ago I moved everything of any kind of value downstairs - so I could stop air-conditioning it - since I never have a reason to go up there anymore and none of the kids ever spend the night up there There's plenty of room downstairs. I moved the stereo into my office and set it up this morning so Irene and I could listen to her country oldies at noon. I turned it on to make sure everything worked and put it on her station to see if the remote worked while I sat at my desk.

After I got everything working I asked Irene to play the next song, and it was one I never heard before by Kane Brown, "What Ifs", and the chorus lyrics jumped all over me: "What if I was made for you and you were made for me, what if this is it, what if it's meant to be..."  Irene always told me that God made me just for her and that we were meant to be - she said that exactly, so many times I can't count. She even wrote it down in her journal after we met. I can always tell when Irene is showing me or telling me something because my heart and breathing start racing like a wild horse and I burst into happy, grateful tears. That's the second time today.

I realized at some point I have no wish for her to be back in this world. I wouldn't wish that on anybody. She is no longer hampered by a failing body or the intrusive issues - physical and mental - that plague us all throughout our lives. She can do what she loves - taking care of her family - from a much better, more pure and beautiful vantage point now, where heartbreak and pain don't lurk around every corner. 

When I first met her she had a hard and scarred outer layer, the result of enduring one battle after another, one disappointment after another, hardship built up on hardship.  When we met, we both set aside our armor and together we uncovered our better natures, our inner innocence, our sense of wonder, magic and love. We are exactly what each other needs.  That's the nature of soul mates like us - we supply what the other is missing, like a two-piece puzzle.

But the world never stops delivering it's steady drumbeat of challenge, pain, and problems.Over the years we met and beat every challenge, no matter how deep the wounds, high the price or steep the challenge.  Nobody, however, lives forever.

I willingly suffer the burden of not having her here physically with me for the time being, to keep her free from enduring any more of the gashes and wounds this world has in endless supply.  That alone is worth the price I pay. She endured enough!

Now she's my angel, standing beside me, comforting and protecting me, and nothing can ever harm her again. Ever. That's worth any pain I feel for the time I have left here.  

I can't wait to see you again - in a world where pain, suffering, problems and death cannot interfere with the perfect love we have together or the incredible light that shines from your amazing heart through your beautiful eyes. 

I don't write any of this in sadness - not at all. I'm happy today. Today is a great day.