Love After Life

A week or so ago I moved everything of any kind of value downstairs - so I could stop air-conditioning it - since I never have a reason to go up there anymore and none of the kids ever spend the night up there There's plenty of room downstairs. I moved the stereo into my office and set it up this morning so Irene and I could listen to her country oldies at noon. I turned it on to make sure everything worked and put it on her station to see if the remote worked while I sat at my desk. After I got everything working I asked Irene to play the next song, and it was one I never heard before by Kane Brown, "What Ifs", and the chorus lyrics jumped all over me: "What if I was made for you and you were made for me, what if this is it, what if it's meant to be..."   Irene always told me that God made me just for her and that we were meant to be - she said that exactly, so many times I can't count. She even wrote it down in her journal after we met. I can alway...

Woke up feeling really good, got a good session in this morning.  One of the things I’m trying to keep in mind is that it is not necessary to feel like I’m in constant contact with Irene.  It’s perfectly fine to continue on doing things in life in a normal way without constantly envisioning her with me or having a conversation with her.  There’s no need to feel guilty or like I’m failing her or forgetting her if I actually concentrate on other things for awhile.  We will have our time every day where I can talk with her or envision her or just “feel” her presence, and hopefully there will be a time when I can actually  experience her in perfect clarity. Joined a couple of grief groups on Facebook and made a post in each, then started reading.  Afterward I had to cry – I think I took on some of their pain, and these people are in serious, unrelenting despair and agony.    I came away very, very grateful for all of the grace, protection and lo...

I woke up feeling okay, had a really good morning session.  Was actually feeling really good until a bunch of family drama crashed me and injected all sorts of negative, self-destructive thoughts, then Irene soothed me and led me back to feeling pretty good, had a good meditation that included a lot of envisioning Irene.   Sometimes I just have to use the meditation to bond with her and not raising vibrational level so much. I have been worried about whether or not my relationships with some of the children will continue without Irene being here physically, but after a great talk with Mike after he got here today I realize that my fears and doubts about this are all just negative influences working on my insecurities. I rode with Mike over to Robert’s house and Gerra & Jace were there, and Irene & I had a great time – we were all talking and cracking jokes and having a good time.  Then Gerra took Mike & Jace and me to see Wonder Woman, and I wa...

I went to store and got stocked up on my new diet food.  Felt like emotional crap pretty much all day.  The food I made was freaking AWESOME though!  I got a nap in, didn’t really help much.  I feel like I’m being assaulted all the time from all sides. It’s ridiculous. I’m so tired of me right now.  Been running an internal (even if I say it out loud most of the time) dialogue all day long to stay strong and remember that there will be better days. Really I think I'm just trying to distract myself enough to not break down too badly so I can get through the day and fall asleep.   At least I don't have much trouble falling asleep. That's probably an immense blessing most people in my situation don't have the luxury of.  I don't know how bad off I'd be if I had to deal with this and a lack of sleep.

I felt strong and good when I woke up, spent time with Irene working with Irene on new relationship, talking about what it means going forward.  I want our relationship to be strong and “normalized”, but I also recognize that I am insecure about that normalization.   One of the things I enjoyed about Irene being sick (ugh, I hate admitting this) was that she depended on me and I was able to come through for her.  Her illness provided a framework to let me show her how much I loved her and how much she could depend on me.  It was a similar thing with my mom when I was able to fully move my work to home; I could take care of her.  I could "pay her back" for all the help she had ever given us and I could "prove" to her that was worth that trust.  I found taking care of Mom and Irene very rewarding, like I might actually be a good person worth the love and trust others placed in me. So, it's been years since we had a "normal" relationship, so to s...

I felt “normal” this morning when I woke up. I didn't like it. It was very early, I did a session without any major events. A "session" is usually me spending an hour or so talking with Irene and listening, praying, and then meditating for 30-40 minutes. It’s difficult to understand my emotions.  I feel these very powerful sensations and I’m not sure what to make of them.  Some of them are very difficult to sort out - they're new, complex, and very strong.  Today I felt what seemed to me to be a form of that primordial love sensation emanating from me to Irene, but it's something I'm going to have to experience a few times before I really understand what it is.  It's overwhelming. As the day has progressed I have figured out that I am worried about feeling “normal”, that it might lead to me feeling “normal” without Irene, which is something I realize deep down I don’t want to occur.   It actually makes me sad to even think of that.  I feel her...

Today I paused the TV to get up and get something out of the kitchen and the TV changes by itself to another channel. I was going to watch a recorded show anyway so I sat down and started a recorded show and watched it a bit, paused the recording and got busy doing other things. A couple of hours later I finished watching my show, then switched to live TV and realized it was on ID network – a network I haven’t watched in a week. Apparently Irene changed the channel to ID network right in front of me, I just didn’t realize it at the time. That was one of her favorite networks. When things like this happen I always acknowledge it. I talk to Irene virtually all day long every day, unless there are other people around. I've even started acknowledging and talking to other people who have passed who I think will probably be around - my mom, dad and brother; Irene's son Jamie; her biological dad Karl and mom Lynette; and her step-father Donnie. I also acknowledge the presence...