Tuesday, May 16, 2017 Normal?

I felt “normal” this morning when I woke up. I didn't like it. It was very early, I did a session without any major events. A "session" is usually me spending an hour or so talking with Irene and listening, praying, and then meditating for 30-40 minutes.

It’s difficult to understand my emotions.  I feel these very powerful sensations and I’m not sure what to make of them.  Some of them are very difficult to sort out - they're new, complex, and very strong.  Today I felt what seemed to me to be a form of that primordial love sensation emanating from me to Irene, but it's something I'm going to have to experience a few times before I really understand what it is.  It's overwhelming.

As the day has progressed I have figured out that I am worried about feeling “normal”, that it might lead to me feeling “normal” without Irene, which is something I realize deep down I don’t want to occur.   It actually makes me sad to even think of that.  I feel her telling me that it will be fine to feel normal, but I'm not willing to think about it right now.  Then I saw the female cardinal again at the feeder. 

How could I possibly feel normal without Irene? Well, okay, I'm not without her. She's here. So what's the problem with feeling normal? So strange. It's really difficult to think straight when you have so many weird emotions running through you. I feel like feeling normal is disrespectful somehow, or somehow it trivializes her death.  Even though she's still here? Very confusing.