Love After Life

Good Morning! The blog is all caught up now.  From now on no back-dating - it's all in real time, so there may be several posts a day as I get time to write.  This will serve as my ongoing journal. This morning I did my usual routine of prayer and meditation, but frankly the meditation wasn't very deep - not near as deep as it has been.  I feel like my schedule has been kind of messed up lately and I've been knocked out of my pattern. The good news is that I'm handling it really well.  A few weeks ago I would have been a mess and would have felt awful.  More and more each day I'm feeling "normal".  Even when something hits me and I start crying, I know it will stop and I'll feel fine again.  It doesn't mean I don't miss Irene or love her as much, it just means we're finding that confident balance in our new relationship where I'm not always needing her to prop me up or assure me. I don't want to be that guy.  

It's been a really busy day. I had to drive back into town to get some errands done.  That and the unrelenting heat outside have frayed my attention and willpower today.  I did my morning sessions and an afternoon astral projection session lying down where I took an antihistamine and it was good. I keep feeling like there's an electric body I'm trying to "give birth" to, like I'm trying to get out of my physical body. It's a pleasant but weird feeling. I posted a new message in the Afterlife group where I referenced something I wrote on another blog last year - I'm going to quote here the relevant part: Each of us experience ourselves as a seat of consciousness with direct, top-down, intentional, prescriptive control (to varying degrees) over the behaviors of many elements of our bodies and thinking processes. We don’t know how to make various cellular or chemical reactions occur that are necessary for motion and thought. Somehow, without any t...

What a great morning!  I did morning prayers, then worked some, took care of the pets and then had a great meditation with Irene. I was posting some of these entries into the blog this morning and realized that a whole month ago I had already discovered that I should meditate and affirm with “we” and “us”, that it is something we do better and are more effective when we do it together, and it had been validated twice that day … and then somehow over the course of events I totally forgot! Unbelievable. I realize I do need to read back over my journal entries to refresh my memory about what has happened and what I’ve already learned .  It seems my mind works to keep these things from me – I guess to try to maintain my “status quo” of being involved in physical world activities. It’s a cognitive bias that seems to disallow or push aside anything that challenges or changes the way things are in my mind, current patterns and habits. Reading back I am struck by the remarkab...

Woke up feeling great! Feel totally connected and in love with Irene and very, very confidant about what we’re doing.  Had a great session this morning. During the day my feelings moved towards “normal”, which was fine.  I noticed it has been difficult getting wifi on my Ipad lately.  I was in the living room to meditate but had started trying to get on the internet instead when it just wouldn’t connect. It seemed that something was telling me to go on and meditate. I had a very interesting experience while meditating. The sensation of “accomplishing something” has been increasing with my new combination of intense personal connection affirmations with Irene, manifesting myself in the spirit world with Irene affirmation, and my use of the terms “we are focused, we are strong, we have the energy of God in us, we are deeply, intimately connected” etc., after about 30 minutes I am so deep and so comfortable and feeling so good I feel like I could stay there for days...

Today was a relatively normal, average day. Had a good session morning session and two more meditation only sessions – that’s my new pattern.  Prayers and spirit-talk once, then meditation of one sort or another about 3 times a day for 30-40 minutes each time. I have also continued with my circulation yoga and light exercise and have stayed on my new diet for quite some time – lost several lbs the past couple of weeks.  Mostly I just eat stir fry, rice, tofu and White Mountain Foods yogurt, plus I drink juice and coffee. I make sure and get some sun every day (Irene let me know that is important). Had a couple of moments of sadness but nothing too horrible.  It’s so weird that I can get such transformational knowledge one day (or one minute) and the next I can be sad. Or, I can have a phenomenal “touch” experience and be so happy and feel like nothing could possibly ever make me sad again, only to succumb a short while later.  How can I possibly experience sadne...

I had joined a death-of-spouse grief support group on Facebook and from what I read there today – our 27 th anniversary – should have been a very bad day.  Instead, it was a good day.  I read Irene the card I got her and what I wrote inside, then sealed it and put it on her “shrine”.  A couple of times during the day I got sad for a couple of minutes but it quickly went away.  I’ve had good sessions and feel very strongly that we are doing so much better than anyone could have expected.  Especially after reading some of what people say in the group – I realize I am very, very blessed. God I love Irene so much!  I consider myself the luckiest guy alive – I know that we being who we are together and so much in tune with each other is helping out immensely. The day went well -morning prayers session and 3 meditation sessions spaced throughout the day - and I went to bed and talked with Irene while I drifted off to sleep.  It was great.  

Last night I realized I needed to change some of my habits when I fall asleep. I need to give more time to “falling” asleep so I can spend some quiet time talking with and listening to Irene as I fall off to sleep.  That was always one of our favorite times to talk, but I think I’ve been afraid of provoking sorrow before going to sleep.  Last night I fell asleep talking to her and it wasn’t bad at all – a little sadness at the start, but soon I had that semi-conscious sensation and it was really pleasant talking to her as I drifted off. Another thing that I’ve been thinking about for a couple of weeks now – and trying out – is to find things to talk with her about.  New things.  I don’t want our discussions to be so centered around me and my needs and whatever it is I’m feeling, but more about fun things, happy things, the future, the children, grandchildren and our great-grandchild, what our lives will be like in the afterlife, what we’re going to do, what she’...

Woke up feeling really good, got a good session in this morning.  One of the things I’m trying to keep in mind is that it is not necessary to feel like I’m in constant contact with Irene.  It’s perfectly fine to continue on doing things in life in a normal way without constantly envisioning her with me or having a conversation with her.  There’s no need to feel guilty or like I’m failing her or forgetting her if I actually concentrate on other things for awhile.  We will have our time every day where I can talk with her or envision her or just “feel” her presence, and hopefully there will be a time when I can actually  experience her in perfect clarity. Joined a couple of grief groups on Facebook and made a post in each, then started reading.  Afterward I had to cry – I think I took on some of their pain, and these people are in serious, unrelenting despair and agony.    I came away very, very grateful for all of the grace, protection and lo...

I had such a good day yesterday!  I am feeling better and better, more and more confident in our new relationship, in the tools I have to handle emotional problems  and in my new life direction.  What else can I do but follow and pursue what I really love?  Last night I started missing Irene and I said out loud, “I’m starting to feel sad and missing you, baby.” … and it was like someone just waved their hand and removed it from me.  I told Irene what I experienced, and validated it and thanked her.  It was amazing!  I probably don’t have to actually tell her out loud like I do, but I love talking to her out loud anyway and it can’t hurt. I was also thinking last night about how much time I spend meditating and what I'm actually trying to accomplish – making that hyper-real contact with Irene and heaven that NDEers and other spiritual practitioners talk about. I want to spend more time actually meditating for that purpose. This morning I meditated ...

During my session this morning I saw this swirling light as if it was a moon and dark clouds were rotating around it, partially covering it up. It lasted a full minute or two.  Easily envisioned Irene curled up with me on the couch, she gave me a kiss which popped a big smile on my face.  I feel really good this morning. Wow. I was just listening to Eben Alexander’s account of his NDE [see the link in the sidebar "A Neurosurgeon's Journey through the Afterlife"]  and he talked about seeing a “slowly spinning white light”.  That’s the first time I’ve ever heard an NDEer say the light was spinning – the light I saw earlier was more like moonlight, but it wasn’t anything like anything I’ve ever seen before when meditating.  By the way, when I meditate I see all kinds of stuff – moving forms and blobs, what looks like the outlines of some kind of architecture, patterns, things that I’ve always thought were probably “floaters” in my eye, etc – stuff that’s not i...

Felt normal to good all day with only a couple of minor, 15 second bouts of sadness.  I had 3 sessions today.  This is becoming a standard pattern for me.  One early in the morning, one around noon, and another around 6pm. From all the information I have gathered by reading websites about the afterlife and watching videos and combining that with what I knew already, I decided that some of my session intention needed to be tweaked; I no longer intend to “raise” my vibration level, but rather to put my physical body and thoughts on “sleep” or “stand-by” mode while I focus on activating my spiritual senses.   I think this concept is much more accurate to what I’m actually trying to do.  I'm always looking to make my intentions and prayers more direct, accurate and simple.

Had a great day yesterday and having a great one today so far.  Little bit of a breakthrough in realizing that when I do a session I either immediately or eventually feel this emotional surge in my heart which I have mistaken for pain but it’s not – I think it’s how I’m sensing Irene now, and along with that emotional sensation a small portion of it is pain and sorrow that I think is just automatically generated by my physical/psychological addiction to her.   By closely monitoring the experience and going through it gradually I realize there’s a lot of joy and happiness and closeness to her, I just have to learn to separate the two and get over/past the pain part.  It leaves me feeling very satisfied and happy.  I’ve been staying pretty much at normal or above the past few days even though they have been very tiring, active and draining with several trips into town and several kids staying over.  I’m actually enjoying it more and more and feeling less an...

Woke up feeling good, had a great 15 minute session.  I'm feeling really positive that this new session technique lets me contact Irene very intimately any time I want or need and blow out all fear, sadness, pain, doubt or negativity that might be creeping in on me and put my mind and heart in a good place for a very good duration.  I can also repeat the new mantra words any time I start sensing any negativity creeping in or just when I want to feel closer to her. I had to do 2 more sessions as I found myself sliding down, and while those sessions “normalized” me and I didn’t slide down into a grief session, they didn’t seem as powerful as the first times.    However, Irene let me know that this was like other things in our life, where all I have to do is not stop us from going forward, but just do what I can to stay on the train and keep going forward as best I can.  I know that the really good state of existence/experience for me here can happen at any ...

Finished the day of well yesterday, woke up in kind of neutral state, skipped the morning session because I just didn’t feel it, recited my new “us” prayer and mantra phrases while walking the dogs and immediately felt more connected and happy.  Did my exercises, sat down to work feeling positive and happy and connected to Irene. While working I’ve been talking to Irene and repeating my new mantras, and I’ve been experiencing this ecstatic joy and happiness and total connection to her for a long time.  It feels insanely good, bringing tears to my eyes and laughter – it’s like I cannot even contain it. It's crazy how good I can feel spontaneously just doing normal things. It turned into one of those amazingly good, indescribable experiences.   Later in the day I felt some fear and doubt creep in, so I sat down in the new pose (facing where Irene used to sit)  and when I did saw a cardinal at the feeder in the window in front of me.  I did abou...

Had a good session in the morning.  Later after Gerra and Jace left, started feeling like I was sinking (it is a bit of a pattern) so I meditated a while and stopped it.  The rest of the day was normal to manageable. Towards the evening I was thinking about how much of a commitment I was going to make towards meditating and what my actual goal was – to actually reach Irene, or to make my existence here enjoyable and functional while I am here - meaning that while I might not actually be able to leave my body and join her in spirit/astral and interact with her there, I could at least keep our connection high, allowing me to get through the rest of this life as happily as possible. I fell asleep thinking about this.

I woke up feeling really good, had a good full session, during the meditation felt those old Sant Mat sensations of almost coming out of my body.  I think the new regimen and diet are helping a lot. Irene and I talk a lot about how to manage this relationship. In many ways, it’s a lot like when we first met in this world – well at least on my side of this.  I’m riddled with insecurities, doubt and fear that I’m constantly battling, and need a lot of attention from her to reassure me until I can build some confidence in the new structure. Had a nice talk with Dad, Mom, Irene and Reed (all on the other side) while I was cooking breakfast for Gerra and her son, Jace.  It felt really good. Gerra & Jace & I drove into Waco to take care of some business. It’s great to have people I can talk to about my experiences with Irene and what I’m doing as far as our relationship going forward. Amazingly went through the rest of the day feeling really, really good even ...

I woke up feeling okay, had a really good morning session.  Was actually feeling really good until a bunch of family drama crashed me and injected all sorts of negative, self-destructive thoughts, then Irene soothed me and led me back to feeling pretty good, had a good meditation that included a lot of envisioning Irene.   Sometimes I just have to use the meditation to bond with her and not raising vibrational level so much. I have been worried about whether or not my relationships with some of the children will continue without Irene being here physically, but after a great talk with Mike after he got here today I realize that my fears and doubts about this are all just negative influences working on my insecurities. I rode with Mike over to Robert’s house and Gerra & Jace were there, and Irene & I had a great time – we were all talking and cracking jokes and having a good time.  Then Gerra took Mike & Jace and me to see Wonder Woman, and I wa...

I had a dream about Irene last night, only lasted a few seconds but it was still more than the other 4 where she appeared for only a second or two. I was in charge of throwing trash out of the house (this was like my mother’s house on 30th street) and had big bags of trash outside. I also helped the neighbor carry some of her trash out – or was it all her trash? I don’t quite remember. I was with some other guy who said that Irene said she was going to get rid of the trash and that I needed to help. Anyway we walked outside to check on things and Irene was outside in her overall shorts, about the age I met her, doing some gardening around where that big tree used to be in my mother’s front yard, said something like “you’re the undertaker” somehow meaning it was my job to get rid of the trash? Or the old stuff? Or the dead stuff? - while she was working on planting the new stuff. Anyway I was so excited to see her and hear her voice I woke up. Had a really good session, new meditati...

I woke up in a weird state. I felt normal and felt bad about feeling normal. It took a while to get in sync with Irene.  Full morning session.  Need to remember that doing the sessions is just me doing what I can, that it’s all in god’s hands and that I can go to the spirit realm and fully interact with Irene any time God decides regardless of any “progress” I am making and regardless of my efforts.  I just have to do what I can and be as good a person as I can to hold up my end of this. I probably ate too much for lunch - eating too much makes me feel weird, had a minor swing into sadness (not despair or grief).  I dug through some of Irene's stuff outside before committing it to the trash, got me to thinking about our lives here and how we interacted and communicated, about what it is that I get to missing and feeling so bad about at times.   Then I had a kind of big “throw up” crash.  It’s just so weird – I can be doing so well, then boom!...

Evening ended well yesterday, full session, was a little nervous around 6pm and after that I might have something negative going on but it never really surfaced.  Gerra got her new car deal (getting the actual car Wednesday) with a clear signal from Irene.  Woke up this morning feeling really good, had a good full session.  Day progressed well, did one more full session, only felt slightly off at one point after a family member came over and talked.  I’m thinking I’m going to need to put in a session every time after people visit just to make sure I clear out all emotions that are not my own. My sessions are not strict or formal - it depends on if I feel like doing something in particular first or just don't feel like doing something else yet.  Often I begin with just talking with Irene. We talk about the kids, grandkids and our great granddaughter, about our plans for the future; about things we went through here; I try to imagine what her life is lik...