Thursday, June 29, 2017 I Can't Wait

Last night I realized I needed to change some of my habits when I fall asleep. I need to give more time to “falling” asleep so I can spend some quiet time talking with and listening to Irene as I fall off to sleep.  That was always one of our favorite times to talk, but I think I’ve been afraid of provoking sorrow before going to sleep.  Last night I fell asleep talking to her and it wasn’t bad at all – a little sadness at the start, but soon I had that semi-conscious sensation and it was really pleasant talking to her as I drifted off.

Another thing that I’ve been thinking about for a couple of weeks now – and trying out – is to find things to talk with her about.  New things.  I don’t want our discussions to be so centered around me and my needs and whatever it is I’m feeling, but more about fun things, happy things, the future, the children, grandchildren and our great-grandchild, what our lives will be like in the afterlife, what we’re going to do, what she’s doing there now, what we’re going to do once I get there, etc.  I’ve done some researching on what afterlife lives are like and have put some resources in the sidebar to let others find that information.  I want to feel more like I’m contributing to Irene’s happiness and joy rather than depending on her to provide mine as I go through this.

I want to write down more exactly what my daily routine is and what I actually do when I pray and meditate. I don’t know if that will help others, but maybe it will.  Several weeks ago a pastor came by the house and gave me some really good advice about prayer – make it heartfelt, not obligatory, and always have gratitude in your heart if you can.

1. I speak to and thank all those on the other side I feel may be helping.  Some days I speak specifically with certain individuals about our lives together, what they meant to me, how much they helped me, fun memories, etc.

2. I do a long prayer - about 20 minutes or so - praying for grace, love, joy and protection for all of those on the other side, naming each one and calling out those who I think are helping but whose names are unknown to me; I pray grace, love, joy, protection, good health and financial security for everyone in my family and for friends, calling each by name and also pray for others and groups of others, like the FB grief support groups.  Last I pray for the same things for myself, but also pray for strength, focus, motivation, guidance, etc.  I pray for God to encourage my path of visiting with my wife on the other side and helping others here coping with the death of loved ones.

3. I mediate for @ 30 minutes, usually 3 times daily.  I usually do a prayer of protection and guidance followed by a clear statement of intent.  I then use that time to focus on affirmation phrases and/or envisioning/listening to Irene.  My focus is at the third eye spot; I usually sit in a lotus position with pillows helping my posture and supporting my knees.

4. I talk to and acknowledge spirit individuals out loud all day long if possible.

A few days ago I joined a coping with grief Facebook group, and after posting and reading a few of their posts I realized I had to be careful about participating there.  My heightened empathic nature was immediately flooded with heartbreak for the people there. What they have experienced so far is so, so much worse than me because I was so blessed with those first two weeks of happiness and I’ve had several incredible experiences and events to hold on to during the dark times.  I don’t see how several of those guys can make it day to day with what they are going through.  I hope I can offer some of them some hope and help.

It’s a good morning! I feel pretty good this morning.  Last night I began to doubt whether or not I should do the blog because if I do get some people reading it and it helps them, then I’ve got a rather big responsibility on my hands.  This morning I feel okay about it and posted a message with a link to the blog. Whatever happens happens, I’ve got to do the blog anyway as a means of focusing my thoughts and efforts towards the good and finding a path for our transdimensional relationship.

Later: OMG what a great day I’m having today!!!  Ivori and Emanuel came out and Emanuel did some work in my yard for me while Ivori tried to set up our phones with a new service plan.  Had a great time talking with her.  Later Gerra and Jace came for a visit from Austin, then Jessica and my cutest in the world great-grandchild Khloe came over.  I thought I might start slipping into panic mode but it was alright, I could feel Irene telling me (again) when I stepped out to walk the dogs that I don’t have to worry about doing our sessions on a strict regimen, that it was okay to simply be around family and focus on them when I’m around them.  I positive talked myself up some that it was okay to be a father and a grandfather today and not a grieving lover/husband.  Irene reminds me that I don’t have to feel pain to show her I love her, and that one way to show her is to be “about” the kids and grandkids when they are around.  I love them all so much!  And the great thing is, they actually understand, accept and support what I’m doing.  I’m one of the most blessed men on Earth.

Robert and Shanna joined the group and I was so happy to see everyone there – I knew Irene was loving it right along with me.  Later, after some of them went home, Robert was telling me about they were looking forward to family movie-going times and coming over and cooking on Sundays when Game of Thrones was on and that made me so happy.

When Robert left Gerra and I were talking about Irene and the “shrine” I had made her and how it seemed to her that the area where the “shrine” was seemed to have been made just for that purpose.  Our house is a big old 1922 Texas 2-story home with 11’ ceilings and whole walls in each room are “bay” window walls. Separating two of the living rooms is a folding wooden door that we kept closed and I painted a mural on one side – the side where we all watch TV.  Shanna had taken Irene’s old broken bed parts (the one she had when we first met, the bed we spent years together in and eventually broke) and had made this bench that we set down in front of that mural and kept various nick-knacks and sentimental cards on, along with vases of flowers I would get her.  She had strung Christmas lights around the mouldings of that doorway (old 1920’s moulding) because she liked having those lights year round.  For whatever reason when I painted the mural I had left this big area at the top nothing but blue sky and some clouds.  

I got several pictures of Irene, and Irene and I at our wedding made into these square “Mixtiles” that you can hang and re-hang and hung 8 of them in two rows in that blue sky.

With the Christmas lights on and surrounding the background mural and those pictures, the the dark wood ornate bench Shanna made, and the various other sentimental items for Irene and the fresh flowers I keep in a big vase in the middle of the bench, and a poem and an artistic fantasy version of Irene I had made for her years ago, it seemed to us at that time that this is exactly what all of this was always for and meant to be.  It was perfect.  I’ve included a picture.

While we were talking about the process of keeping Irene in our lives, Gerra said something about “I can’t wait” in regards to my wanting to see Irene via my prayer/meditation practices, (which I had been describing to her) which I found interesting because the song “I can’t wait” popped in my head a few weeks ago, and the song expressed my feelings about how I can’t wait to join Irene. I would keep saying “I can’t wait, baby!” to her when I would get genuinely excited about it.  I had found and downloaded the song and the strange thing is that it would always pop in as a kind of background music many times when I would be envisioning her and I together or when I meditated.  Every morning when I woke up that song would be in my head – and none of these times it felt like I was the one initiating that music – I felt like it was being played for me.

I had watched a small part of the music video on You Tube to make sure I got the right version, but a few days ago it turns out I had a kind of remix version and I preferred the original – I had found the original MTV version of the song on YouTube and watched about a minute of it.  I told Gerra about all this after she said “I can’t wait” and found the original music video on Youtube and played it again. She seemed interested in the video (she loves to examine and analyze music videos) so I let it play. It’s a very crazy video, but at one point here are the lyrics:

You know I love you

Even when you don’t try

Hey darling, when you look into my eye

Please tell me, you’ll never have to say goodbye

If you don’t watch the video, it seems to be pretty straightforward, but in the video when the girl sings “when you look into my eye” she touches the “third eye” space between her eyes on her forehead and these symbols – triangle and lightning bolts – appear there.  The “third eye” is well known to all practitioners of spiritual meditation as the doorway to the higher spiritual worlds and where you focus during meditation. It’s where I focus my attention when I meditate.  We were stunned. The lyrics also directly address what I had just gone through that day - "You know I love you Even when you don't try" - when I'm focused on other things like the kids when they are over.

This was so crazy.  I would never have watched that video if that song had never popped in my head weeks before and if Gerra hadn’t said “I can’t wait” in response to a conversation we were having.  My goal by “looking into my eye” is exactly that … to never have to say goodbye, to always have access to her while I’m still here.  That just verified for me everything that I’m doing - I felt it all through me emotionally.