Saturday, July 8, 2017 Tiny Habits of Self-Sabotage

Woke up feeling great! Feel totally connected and in love with Irene and very, very confidant about what we’re doing.  Had a great session this morning.

During the day my feelings moved towards “normal”, which was fine.  I noticed it has been difficult getting wifi on my Ipad lately.  I was in the living room to meditate but had started trying to get on the internet instead when it just wouldn’t connect. It seemed that something was telling me to go on and meditate.

I had a very interesting experience while meditating. The sensation of “accomplishing something” has been increasing with my new combination of intense personal connection affirmations with Irene, manifesting myself in the spirit world with Irene affirmation, and my use of the terms “we are focused, we are strong, we have the energy of God in us, we are deeply, intimately connected” etc., after about 30 minutes I am so deep and so comfortable and feeling so good I feel like I could stay there for days – just let all my body parts go numb, I don’t care, I’m like in a physical and emotional womb.  Then I feel this really nice sensation occurring in my head, building in intensity.  It’s not as emotional as other experiences I’ve had because it seems to be leaving my heart alone and focusing on the center of my head. It built in intensity until it felt like my head was going to burst into light; then there was something like a release – like some barrier had been broken through. 

After that I felt great!  I started wondering, however, why it is I do certain things, like procrastinate or put off things I know are good for my spiritual growth and good for Irene’s and my connection (like trying to check Facebook, putting off meditating).  Then I realized that in very subtle ways I sabotage my efforts and work because I don’t want to be disappointed if they never work.  I can just blame myself for not trying hard enough or for taking a step backwards.

I remember when I used to meditate in Sant Mat - I dreaded it.  I didn't like meditation at all, but forced myself to do it. Five minutes would drag on forever. I certainly wasn't as motivated as I am now, but even then, when I could meditated for more than about 15 minutes, it was actually pleasant in the sense that I felt myself more detached from the world and more at peace.  Now, however, I actually enjoy meditation and even look forward to it, but I have this weird habit of trying to distract myself from it, or absent-mindedly eating too much just before a usual meditation time and so my mind is too sluggish for it. It's definitely some form of self-sabotage and I need to work it out.