Monday, June 26, 2017 Watching Over Me

I had such a good day yesterday!  I am feeling better and better, more and more confident in our new relationship, in the tools I have to handle emotional problems  and in my new life direction.  What else can I do but follow and pursue what I really love?  Last night I started missing Irene and I said out loud, “I’m starting to feel sad and missing you, baby.” … and it was like someone just waved their hand and removed it from me.  I told Irene what I experienced, and validated it and thanked her.  It was amazing!  I probably don’t have to actually tell her out loud like I do, but I love talking to her out loud anyway and it can’t hurt.

I was also thinking last night about how much time I spend meditating and what I'm actually trying to accomplish – making that hyper-real contact with Irene and heaven that NDEers and other spiritual practitioners talk about. I want to spend more time actually meditating for that purpose. This morning I meditated 40 minutes. I usually meditate 2-3 times a day.  My body is still getting used to the meditation pose and I think my diet and exercise will help me to be able to sit in that pose for longer periods. I've had to adjust the pose and now I use pillows to make it more comfortable and give me a better posture while sitting.

When I took the dogs out for their morning walk, I had paused with them out by the street and was looking back towards the crepe myrtle on the downhill side and the female cardinal flew in and set down in a position that was open to my line of sight through a circular opening in the tree limbs and leaves.  It was staring straight at me, then looked down as its mate, the bright red cardinal (they are the ones that feed by the living room window all the time) swooped in and was on the ground pecking around for either food or nest material. As he did his business the female stayed on that perch right above him, looking down at him, then up at me, then down at him, then up at me.  It looked like she was watching over him and telling me that Irene is doing the same for me.  When he was done, he flew off towards what I suppose is their nest in the magnolia tree and she immediately followed after him.

Irene did another commercial trick while Ivori and Emanuel were here and we all validated her.  That was more of the kind of appreciation and acknowledgement I wanted to see out of the family, but I understand that different people look at things different ways.

Meditated about another hour while I waited for my car to be serviced at Jeff Hunter. Felt myself getting sad a couple of times and later cried, missing Irene terribly.  It was sadness, not grief, and I kept telling myself and her “It’s okay, we’ll get through it, it’ll pass, it gets better every day.  I can just suddenly feel better for no reason, or tomorrow I may wake up and feel great.  It doesn’t matter, it will all be okay.  I still know you’re here, I still know I’ll at least see you and hold you again when I die, if not before.”  I fell asleep sad, but given the events of the day I chalk it up to either picking up someone else's emotional state or continued withdrawal pains.