Love After Life

I had a rough patch yesterday for about 30 minutes - not grief, just longing sadness mixed in, I think, with a little self-pity.  Honestly, I think all the driving and out-of-routine events from the trip to Austin caught up with me, along with some other family situations. However, I still feel quite blessed that it only added up to about a half hour of being upset. I asked for help and meditated, and felt better.  Yeah, that's right - I ask for help all the time.  There's no escaping it, I'm a drama queen now.  I'm just not going to worry about it - if I feel like asking for help, I'm just going to do it, and then thank everyone on the other side profusely for indulging me. In the evening I found myself at the computer and realized it was about time for an AREI meeting they were having on signs and joined in.  There were more people this time, it was pretty amazing.  By the time the meeting was over I realized that if I wanted to be a good facilitator ...

There are mornings, like today, I wake up and I don't feel good or bad, I just feel completely ambivalent. I really think it has a lot to do with the physical atmosphere. It's heavy again here with a lot of humidity after a lot of rain last night. A couple of hours after I got up, though, I felt Irene just sort of vibe into me. It felt so good and immediately changed my frequency back into our zone. It didn't have hardly any of the associated sadness that contact with her used to bring, although it did carry with it a unique emotional content I've talked about before; it's really good, it's just not like anything else, so it's hard to put any label on. Meditation was excellent although the universe kept interrupting me for whatever reason.  I still have the family issues that cropped came barreling through like a freight train, but we're working on those and can at least see a way forward.  I'm really not very good at adapting to certain situatio...

Last night I once again asked my spirit team for experiences and encouragements and did some meditative intentions before going to sleep.  I actually had another dream I wrote down in my dream book I keep beside the bed. In this dream, I was at a family reunion of some sort - I wasn't this identity, and the family wasn't my real-world family, but they were the "me" in the dream's family.  What stood out was that in the dream, my wife had recently died and, even though it had been some time since, I felt a profound sense of loss and of being alone. As the dream progressed I found myself at work, which felt like a facsimile of my old print shop job, and I still had that deep sense of loss and of being alone as the boss closed the back door and was preparing to close up shop.  I was doing something similar to uploading and deleting artwork, and was trying to explain to my boss something about the dot gain (old printer's reference) when I saw myself through his ...

Irene, There are times when I get pretty sad. Now is one of those times - I'm sure you know.  I think what makes me the most sad is that I miss "us" - the two of us together, who we are together, who we are to other people when we are together.  I know we are still together, but I miss others interacting with you.  You always have a way of making pleasant conversation, making smart-aleck comments, laughing and saying what other people try to stop themselves from saying.  I miss holding your hand and sitting beside you.  I miss doing things for you, like opening the door of the car or getting you a drink or buying you something silly or fun when we go to a store.  I miss our little glances and and knowing grins.  I miss your voice so much. I'm doing all I can, baby, to find my way to you, to bring us closer.  Every day, it's my mission in life to be able to see you, feel you, and hear you.  For the most part, I'm good and getting better, b...

Good Morning! The blog is all caught up now.  From now on no back-dating - it's all in real time, so there may be several posts a day as I get time to write.  This will serve as my ongoing journal. This morning I did my usual routine of prayer and meditation, but frankly the meditation wasn't very deep - not near as deep as it has been.  I feel like my schedule has been kind of messed up lately and I've been knocked out of my pattern. The good news is that I'm handling it really well.  A few weeks ago I would have been a mess and would have felt awful.  More and more each day I'm feeling "normal".  Even when something hits me and I start crying, I know it will stop and I'll feel fine again.  It doesn't mean I don't miss Irene or love her as much, it just means we're finding that confident balance in our new relationship where I'm not always needing her to prop me up or assure me. I don't want to be that guy.  

I put yesterday’s post about the coffee in the grief support group and got a very heartwarming response, but for whatever reason I got into a strange, negative mood – some sadness but mostly just this weird confusion and overall unhappiness, even some anger at still having to deal with this world. Did my full session routine yesterday and even added an extra meditation. Got up this morning feeling better, had a good morning meditation, and felt back to a good, happy/normal place.  Got to feeling absolutely great and had a great noon meditation and prayer. I was laughing and talking with my "spirit team" and we were having a great time. Then the breaker for the upstairs ACs went out – apparently the socket up there shorted out and the breaker wouldn’t kick back on. Robert said he could replace it and I decided to stop air conditioning the 2nd floor because nobody uses it, so I brought down everything I didn’t want to get heat damaged. Then a wave of “forlorn longing” of...

Today was a relatively normal, average day. Had a good session morning session and two more meditation only sessions – that’s my new pattern.  Prayers and spirit-talk once, then meditation of one sort or another about 3 times a day for 30-40 minutes each time. I have also continued with my circulation yoga and light exercise and have stayed on my new diet for quite some time – lost several lbs the past couple of weeks.  Mostly I just eat stir fry, rice, tofu and White Mountain Foods yogurt, plus I drink juice and coffee. I make sure and get some sun every day (Irene let me know that is important). Had a couple of moments of sadness but nothing too horrible.  It’s so weird that I can get such transformational knowledge one day (or one minute) and the next I can be sad. Or, I can have a phenomenal “touch” experience and be so happy and feel like nothing could possibly ever make me sad again, only to succumb a short while later.  How can I possibly experience sadne...

I joined a new Facebook group either yesterday or the day before on the afterlife and found out it was basically run by Victor Zammit (see link in the sidebar)!  I’ve been reading and referring to his website for years in online debates at various sites, and referring friends and family to it. I put a post in and got a LOT of positive and helpful response.  I had a great session this morning and came in really close contact with Irene which triggered a very, very happy emotional reaction.  I think I’m going to be able to use some of the information and suggestions from the “ AFTERLIFE RESEARCH AND EDUCATION DISCUSSION ” Facebook group to help us on our journey. I do need to do a better job of emptying my mind when I meditate, but I feel great so far today.  Had one really weird attack of sadness for about two minutes, then it was completely gone. Made some food while listening to “I Can’t Wait” and talking with Irene.  I watched a TV show while eating ...

I had such a good day yesterday!  I am feeling better and better, more and more confident in our new relationship, in the tools I have to handle emotional problems  and in my new life direction.  What else can I do but follow and pursue what I really love?  Last night I started missing Irene and I said out loud, “I’m starting to feel sad and missing you, baby.” … and it was like someone just waved their hand and removed it from me.  I told Irene what I experienced, and validated it and thanked her.  It was amazing!  I probably don’t have to actually tell her out loud like I do, but I love talking to her out loud anyway and it can’t hurt. I was also thinking last night about how much time I spend meditating and what I'm actually trying to accomplish – making that hyper-real contact with Irene and heaven that NDEers and other spiritual practitioners talk about. I want to spend more time actually meditating for that purpose. This morning I meditated ...

Felt normal to good all day with only a couple of minor, 15 second bouts of sadness.  I had 3 sessions today.  This is becoming a standard pattern for me.  One early in the morning, one around noon, and another around 6pm. From all the information I have gathered by reading websites about the afterlife and watching videos and combining that with what I knew already, I decided that some of my session intention needed to be tweaked; I no longer intend to “raise” my vibration level, but rather to put my physical body and thoughts on “sleep” or “stand-by” mode while I focus on activating my spiritual senses.   I think this concept is much more accurate to what I’m actually trying to do.  I'm always looking to make my intentions and prayers more direct, accurate and simple.

What a good morning!  My morning session was more about being so appreciative of all the amazing blessings I have in my life.  I read over my prior entries as I’m putting them up on a blog and I realized I’ve lost like 10 lbs in 2 months.  I’m still feeling very good and appreciative, been talking with dead family all morning. That's one of my new things - acknowledging and talking to other dead relatives. Hey, I can use all the help I can get. So it’s 1:00 pm and have been feeling sooooo good all day, chatting away with Irene and the other family spirits while I work and putter around the house and I started feeling sad. I started telling myself that is was fine, it’s okay to go through sad times, they’ll pass and everything will be fine again, Irene will still be here, my family will still be here, my loved ones on the other side will still be here, at some point I’ll once again feel that wholeness and joy. I was walking toward my office with sad tears in my eyes a...

Had a good morning, nice session, then I started getting weird about the time I was going to drive into town to get some chores done.  On the way into town I just went off in an angry tirade about being weak and sad.  Nothing like going for an angry tirade drive where you can just scream and shout to your heart's content and don't have to worry about anyone overhearing you.   In a nutshell, I’m just over it already.  This is not who first met Irene; this is not who she fell in love with.  This weak, sad guy is not the man Irene deserves.  I’m sick of so many thoughts and feelings running through my head and heart that are not mine. Throughout our life together we both had to become different people in order to cope with what was going on. We had to adjust our psychology and habits.  There’s nothing wrong with that – it’s a good thing to be able to adjust in order to be able to develop our relationship with regards to changing conditions, event...

I woke up in a weird state. I felt normal and felt bad about feeling normal. It took a while to get in sync with Irene.  Full morning session.  Need to remember that doing the sessions is just me doing what I can, that it’s all in god’s hands and that I can go to the spirit realm and fully interact with Irene any time God decides regardless of any “progress” I am making and regardless of my efforts.  I just have to do what I can and be as good a person as I can to hold up my end of this. I probably ate too much for lunch - eating too much makes me feel weird, had a minor swing into sadness (not despair or grief).  I dug through some of Irene's stuff outside before committing it to the trash, got me to thinking about our lives here and how we interacted and communicated, about what it is that I get to missing and feeling so bad about at times.   Then I had a kind of big “throw up” crash.  It’s just so weird – I can be doing so well, then boom!...