Tuesday, June 20, 2017 The Angry Tirade Drive Into Town

Had a good morning, nice session, then I started getting weird about the time I was going to drive into town to get some chores done.  On the way into town I just went off in an angry tirade about being weak and sad.  Nothing like going for an angry tirade drive where you can just scream and shout to your heart's content and don't have to worry about anyone overhearing you.  

In a nutshell, I’m just over it already.  This is not who first met Irene; this is not who she fell in love with.  This weak, sad guy is not the man Irene deserves.  I’m sick of so many thoughts and feelings running through my head and heart that are not mine.

Throughout our life together we both had to become different people in order to cope with what was going on. We had to adjust our psychology and habits.  There’s nothing wrong with that – it’s a good thing to be able to adjust in order to be able to develop our relationship with regards to changing conditions, events, and life situations.  The more situations you love each other through, the stronger the bond.

However, the life situation I adjusted to for the past several years doesn’t exist any more. I’m not the caregiver anymore.  Mother and Irene are on the other side now and do not require my care. Irene is no longer sick and she no longer needs me to be that Bill.  That Bill is poorly suited to lead a life that isn’t centered around taking care of someone he loves while they battle a debilitating terminal illness.  It’s time to man the heck up and boldly stride into my new role.  Time to change my psychology, my habits, my thinking.  The lifestyle I led before was what was best for that situation.  How I saw myself and how I contextualized my existence was what was best for that situation; but we are no longer in that situation.

For f**** sake, I’m a good man.  I’m a great guy.  I want to stride into heaven with my head held high and my arms raised in victory!  I don’t want to crawl around asking for help.  I want to greet Irene as a man she is proud to call hers, a man worthy of her love, her faith, her magic, her grace, her strength, her beauty. I’m five times the man I was when we met, it’s just buried under my “caretaker, G-pa Bill” persona.  F*** that s***.  I’m going to be the Bill she first met, again, only better, stronger, more confident, and without all the mental baggage I had back then. 

I’m not by any means “moving on”, I’m going forward with Irene but it’s time to once again become the man she fell in love with, admires, respects, and is wild about – old man body or not.  I am so, so, over it, baby.  It’s time to leave that old relationship behind and embark on the new- when I get over there, I want you to beam with pride!!!  I want our reunion to be the stuff of legend and renown. I’m through with being pitiful.

So a couple of hours after I went through and wrote the above, Gerra came up and we talked, and I was able to talk about Irene & her journal and what I went through earlier without getting all choked up.  6:00 came and went and I felt completely different. I still feel completely different.  Something appears to have changed.