Love After Life

Last night after the Automatic Writing Zoom meeting, I felt a very significant change in my mental/emotional state.  It was very subtle but very profound, but I actually felt it happen.  I haven't fully processed it yet.  I really just wanted to mark the day here so I would be able to track the exact day.  The most I can say is that it feels like every bit of subconscious conditioning that caused doubt and fear just got turned off.  I didn't get much sleep and then my son came over so I haven't had a chance to do much reflection on it with Irene, and relatives (and the Zoom meetings) usually screw up my state, so I'm just seeing where this goes before I say much about it. It happened in the evening on Dec. 5, 2018, and I just felt different, like I'm in a completely secure, confident and normal relationship with Irene.   That's my initial impression, but it has brought up some entirely unforseen and unconsidered thoughts and reactions. More later. I ju...

Some things we were talking about in the Zoom group yesterday got me to thinking about the difference between what I know about life and the afterlife now, and how I react and feel during the course of my days now. Even though I updated the group on many of the fantastic things Irene and I have experienced the past week or so, I hadn't even written down one that is probably the most incredible. Irene reminded me about it this morning. In my life I've made a practice of changing my views and perspectives whenever they were not serving me well, some of it pretty deep stuff that resulted in - eventually - permanent psychological changes. In time, I would react, think and feel differently during the same kind of experiences, but it didn't happen overnight. It can take a while before a conscious change of perspective works its way throughout your body and your subconscious. This is why habits are so hard to break; our bodies and minds naturally prefer their long-standing ...

Still a bit under the weather today but have felt well enough to keep on track.  While I was sitting outside I was having a bit of a conversation in my head with Irene as if she was sitting beside me when I decided to send her a more focused mental message and immediately, in my mind, she said "Hey, I'm right beside you - you're talking right to me."  I turned my head and these two big black and  yellow butterflies flew into my field of vision right then, the same kind that I've talked about before.  I laughed and said "okay, okay" and in my mind she said "I'm always right here, with you."   I saw a small, empty chip bag being slowly blown down the street in front of my house.  I said to Irene:  "I know you think I should go pick that bag up, but ... nah. Don't wanna."   I went inside. Later in one of the afterlife groups there was a conversation about the same thing and they agreed that our loved ones are always with us -...

It's been a good morning. I prayed as if Irene was sitting next to me, holding my hand and praying along with me, and it was great!  Then I had a good meditation/intention/affirmation where I easily envisioned us together.  I spent time talking to Irene and my spirit team and realized I just need to keep talking to them, even if I feel like I'm whining too much, because talking out loud about all that is going on infuses my experience with a sense of reality about them, what we're doing, what we're trying to do, and the afterlife I envision. It makes it all more real for me to talk about it out loud, infusing it in all my daily activities.  That's pretty important - to make it feel real to me.  The normal physical world is unrelenting and pervasive, so I have to do whatever it takes to keep all of this fresh and infused in my consciousness and daily life. If that means acting like a crazy old man, oh well. After reading some in the Zammit's Facebook afte...

I feel weirdly disconnected this morning. Had a kind of “blah” meditation (good prayer session, though), decided to drive into town and get some chores done (shopping, bank), talked to Irene during the trip. Got back and still felt blah, took a nap, felt better when I woke up, had a good meditation, but got back to feeling disconnected but in a kind of “normal” way. Got to feeling a little worse, totally blah, had a bout of sadness, got to wanting to be able to astral travel already to visit Irene.  I searched YouTube and found a few videos about some supposed “easy” way to start astral projection. Watched them and they actually made sense and resonated. I’m going to start incorporating some astral travel exercises into my daily routine.   Totally weird --- I was joking with Irene that I should get a Russian mail order bride, but maybe instead that she should learn to talk with a Russian accent for when I visit her in the astral world – then a few minutes later this ...

It's been a busy couple of days.  The kids got in at 2:00 am yesterday morning from their Colorado trip. I tried to go back to sleep but couldn’t.  I got lots of work done both for work and for this blog.  I knew it was going to be a challenge because they were going to be here most of the day yesterday and today Gerra & Jace will be here and we went into town to court to finish up the adult adoption. I wasn’t able to talk openly to Irene or my spirit team and I had decided not to bring Irene up in order to see how I would weather it.  Lately I’ve been feeling that what she and I are personally trying to accomplish is something best kept to ourselves unless asked and put on the blog for those who are interested or shared in interested groups.  I don’t want to “force” what we are doing or my methods on the family or anyone else.  That’s an old Sant Mat perspective – if others are interested, then speak; otherwise, let life go on here as normal. ...

So this happened last night before I went to bed: I was asking Irene for some validation (yes, I’m still a needy SOB at times), and I started reading an e-book called “Soul Smart” by Susanne J. Wilson that had been recommended in the afterlife group several times.  I was telling Irene that I usually dislike reading what anyone else has to say about the afterlife and spirit communication because it doesn’t take much to upset my apparently delicate equilibrium.  Anyway, I felt like it was okay to at least read some of this so I started it very tentatively. It was really, really incredible.  Everything Susanne said was describing what I had come to be doing and the information I had gotten from Irene or from someone on the other side.  I had already created an incredible “sacred space” for my meditation without even realizing it, sitting on the couch in my usual position (Irene would always sit right next to me), right in front of the “shrine” that had actually bee...

Had some trouble in the evening yesterday, but by the time I went to sleep I was pretty good and fell right to sleep.  Woke up this morning and felt sad (about a 4 on the scale where 5 is normal). Was drinking some coffee with Irene and watching a little TV before our morning session when she pulled another commercial switch, this time during live TV.  I was watching Catfish (one of our favorite shows) and couldn’t jump forward because it wasn’t a recorded show, and just as it ended I realized I had been watching that Honda “perfect Accord” commercial again, and I wanted to make sure it was that commercial, flipped back 10 seconds and it was an entirely different commercial. I couldn’t get that perfect accord commercial to play again.  The effect it had on me was an amazing transformation, very, very good emotionally. I am so happy now and feel so complete and connected to Irene. I’ve decided that I must be what is called “clairsentient”, in the sense that I can ...

Had a great day yesterday and having a great one today so far.  Little bit of a breakthrough in realizing that when I do a session I either immediately or eventually feel this emotional surge in my heart which I have mistaken for pain but it’s not – I think it’s how I’m sensing Irene now, and along with that emotional sensation a small portion of it is pain and sorrow that I think is just automatically generated by my physical/psychological addiction to her.   By closely monitoring the experience and going through it gradually I realize there’s a lot of joy and happiness and closeness to her, I just have to learn to separate the two and get over/past the pain part.  It leaves me feeling very satisfied and happy.  I’ve been staying pretty much at normal or above the past few days even though they have been very tiring, active and draining with several trips into town and several kids staying over.  I’m actually enjoying it more and more and feeling less an...

Wow, two days gone by and I didn’t write!  That’s a first.  The good news is that I’ve been on a pretty even keel, with multiple 15-minute sessions a day and pretty busy days. I visited a friend of mine that lost his son some time ago and had a good talk about grief.  Couple of the key things that have come to me the past couple of days: #1 – I cannot force or work my way into a more clear interaction with Irene or into having more of those intense good experiences – that is up to God.  What I can do is do my new session routine, which is a 15 minute combination of talking to Irene, praying and focusing/meditating on my manifestation key phrases at my “third eye” location, and do it for several reasons – to sit down with Irene and talk and listen; as a preventative; as a manifestation technique; as prayer; to help when I feel like I’m in trouble.  This is the work I do to achieve my goal; it doesn't deliver the goal. Only God can do that. #2 – I do not...

I didn’t get enough sleep, so started the day off not really feeling good and kind of dragged all morning. It’s 3:00 p.m. and I’ve already needed a couple of sessions. Ate a little too much at lunch but it didn’t drag me down or make me tired – it was just tofu, stir-fry veggies, rice & guacamole. After feeling so good yesterday it’s so bizarre to me that I can now feel so vulnerable, doubtful and freaking pitiful. Not a full blown grief session, but kind of in the “normal” zone and dipping down a bit, which is when I do a session. This sensation makes it hard to work. I start feeling like I’m missing something and I feel anxious, fearful and slightly upset.

Woke up feeling good, had a great 15 minute session.  I'm feeling really positive that this new session technique lets me contact Irene very intimately any time I want or need and blow out all fear, sadness, pain, doubt or negativity that might be creeping in on me and put my mind and heart in a good place for a very good duration.  I can also repeat the new mantra words any time I start sensing any negativity creeping in or just when I want to feel closer to her. I had to do 2 more sessions as I found myself sliding down, and while those sessions “normalized” me and I didn’t slide down into a grief session, they didn’t seem as powerful as the first times.    However, Irene let me know that this was like other things in our life, where all I have to do is not stop us from going forward, but just do what I can to stay on the train and keep going forward as best I can.  I know that the really good state of existence/experience for me here can happen at any ...

Finished the day of well yesterday, woke up in kind of neutral state, skipped the morning session because I just didn’t feel it, recited my new “us” prayer and mantra phrases while walking the dogs and immediately felt more connected and happy.  Did my exercises, sat down to work feeling positive and happy and connected to Irene. While working I’ve been talking to Irene and repeating my new mantras, and I’ve been experiencing this ecstatic joy and happiness and total connection to her for a long time.  It feels insanely good, bringing tears to my eyes and laughter – it’s like I cannot even contain it. It's crazy how good I can feel spontaneously just doing normal things. It turned into one of those amazingly good, indescribable experiences.   Later in the day I felt some fear and doubt creep in, so I sat down in the new pose (facing where Irene used to sit)  and when I did saw a cardinal at the feeder in the window in front of me.  I did abou...

Had a good session in the morning.  Later after Gerra and Jace left, started feeling like I was sinking (it is a bit of a pattern) so I meditated a while and stopped it.  The rest of the day was normal to manageable. Towards the evening I was thinking about how much of a commitment I was going to make towards meditating and what my actual goal was – to actually reach Irene, or to make my existence here enjoyable and functional while I am here - meaning that while I might not actually be able to leave my body and join her in spirit/astral and interact with her there, I could at least keep our connection high, allowing me to get through the rest of this life as happily as possible. I fell asleep thinking about this.

I woke up feeling really good, had a good full session, during the meditation felt those old Sant Mat sensations of almost coming out of my body.  I think the new regimen and diet are helping a lot. Irene and I talk a lot about how to manage this relationship. In many ways, it’s a lot like when we first met in this world – well at least on my side of this.  I’m riddled with insecurities, doubt and fear that I’m constantly battling, and need a lot of attention from her to reassure me until I can build some confidence in the new structure. Had a nice talk with Dad, Mom, Irene and Reed (all on the other side) while I was cooking breakfast for Gerra and her son, Jace.  It felt really good. Gerra & Jace & I drove into Waco to take care of some business. It’s great to have people I can talk to about my experiences with Irene and what I’m doing as far as our relationship going forward. Amazingly went through the rest of the day feeling really, really good even ...

Had a great day today – started off okay, then actually got better and better until I was having again having the sensation of being whole, that total connection to Irene, that comfort and grace, joy and happiness, talking to her and her being with me everywhere. After a couple of days of "normal", it's great to have a day like this.  I'm not sure how much "normal" I can take at this time, but it seems we are expanding my capacity.  I did the Pray/Talk/Meditation sequence I wrote about yesterday three times today, once in the morning right after I got up, once in the afternoon after I got back from the groomer, and once in the late evening.  Lots of stuff happened today – I got Pico and Marley groomed, and the groomers were the greatest.  I was able to talk about Irene there with happiness and joy.  We felt so good together, Irene and I, about how great the boys (our dogs) did and how good they look now.  I felt that Irene was really happy about findng...

Another normal day, with a couple of small highs and minor lows. Although I know I don't have to meditate as Irene said, I want to start meditating again so I can gain some strength and clarity and raise my vibrational level up.  I see yesterday's message in a new light - Irene doesn't want me beating myself up and over-analyzing my efforts here to reach her and become more attuned to the spiritual.  She wants me to know that we've already got this - we've already succeeded and we will be together.  I will keep this in mind, but I still want to do my part.  I'm enthused about going down this road. Lightening up my diet would also be a good idea.  I want to start doing work on my end to strengthen my mind and spirit and get in closer, better contact with Irene, also so I can be stronger here, more confidant, less controlled by chaotic, destructive emotions, move away from lower emotions like despair and grief  that try to suck you in and bur...

Woke up feeling “normal”.  Talked to Irene like normal. Did normal things. Experienced a very sweet, warm sensation of love from her.  I remind myself that “normal” is okay, it’s good, it’s how we spent most of our time together – in a state of “normal” – feeling comforted by each other’s presence, being able to do daily things like work and household chores, then when we needed or wanted spike up into a more intense exchange of that love/intimacy in various ways.  This morning I feel very confident, very much in love with her, very strong that she is always here with me.  It’s really amazing and wonderful.  I understand I have to set my rational, analytical mind aside and just exist in faith, love, and the knowing I have that she is actually in me, a part of me. I have to make a note – I just went into the kitchen and was making more coffee when Irene gave me such a warm, loving, euphoric sense of union with her that it was unbelievable.  She’s telli...

I felt strong and good when I woke up, spent time with Irene working with Irene on new relationship, talking about what it means going forward.  I want our relationship to be strong and “normalized”, but I also recognize that I am insecure about that normalization.   One of the things I enjoyed about Irene being sick (ugh, I hate admitting this) was that she depended on me and I was able to come through for her.  Her illness provided a framework to let me show her how much I loved her and how much she could depend on me.  It was a similar thing with my mom when I was able to fully move my work to home; I could take care of her.  I could "pay her back" for all the help she had ever given us and I could "prove" to her that was worth that trust.  I found taking care of Mom and Irene very rewarding, like I might actually be a good person worth the love and trust others placed in me. So, it's been years since we had a "normal" relationship, so to s...

I woke up feeling pretty good.  Working on accepting the “normal” feeling, and being more accepting of my mental projections of Irene, even though it’s not of the same quality as my other experiences which seem to be much more real.  I’m trying to understand some of these emotions I experience as love for Irene and not pain, and that “missing her” sensation is an expression of my love for her and not something I want to avoid, but embrace and experience in a positive way.  I have to pray daily, sometimes several times a day, for strength, grace, comfort and understanding.  I had a really good session before Wheel of Fortune (which I always watch with her) where I was able to create a framework of understanding about our relationship. There is the daily, “normal” interaction where I don’t usually have as pronounced a sense of connection, but I still talk to her as if she’s with me and envision her at times with me.  This needs to be an entirely “no pressure”...