Friday, May 19, 2017 Refining My Technique

I woke up feeling pretty good.  Working on accepting the “normal” feeling, and being more accepting of my mental projections of Irene, even though it’s not of the same quality as my other experiences which seem to be much more real.  I’m trying to understand some of these emotions I experience as love for Irene and not pain, and that “missing her” sensation is an expression of my love for her and not something I want to avoid, but embrace and experience in a positive way.  I have to pray daily, sometimes several times a day, for strength, grace, comfort and understanding. 

I had a really good session before Wheel of Fortune (which I always watch with her) where I was able to create a framework of understanding about our relationship. There is the daily, “normal” interaction where I don’t usually have as pronounced a sense of connection, but I still talk to her as if she’s with me and envision her at times with me.  This needs to be an entirely “no pressure” allowing of a “normal” relationship.  It’s not like Irene and I felt super-connected and intimate every second of every day while she was physical, but there was a sense of normalcy where we knew such intimacy was available. I guess I'm trying to not be so "needy" or demanding of her attention. Not because I think she would rather be doing other things, but because I think it's a healthier relationship.  After all, I want her to be proud of me. Kinda hard to picture Irene proud of me when I'm curled up in a fetal position bawling like a baby. Yuck.

In addition to that “normalcy” of moment-to-moment interaction with Irene,  there is also the meditative envisioning of her.  I do this by finding a relaxed position to get fully comfortable in and using a combination of deep breathing, prayer and meditational focus techniques (like those I practiced when I was involved in Sant Mat) to move my consciousness upwards into a spiritual realm where I can easily and more fully envision Irene and I together in an envisioned world.  I did this just for a few minutes and it had a powerful impact on me; it was entirely unlike envisioning Irene during “normal” physical interaction.  She was far more stable visually and audibly and things occurred without my apparent intention.  I was practicing an “allowing” of the envisioned realm.  We both looked like we looked when we got married.  I could move from a first-person view to a third-person view.

I feel like this practice is key going forward – instead of making Irene do all the work to come to this vibrational level, I can use this method to move towards her and her realm, making it easier on her to visit and communicate. I’m very excited about this – I feel like I’ve got a method to work with going forward: cry and pray when I need/want to; accept the normalcy of most of the day without anxiety or pressure; use the above techniques to develop our ability to more fully interact.

Robert, Gerra & Micheal were all here this evening and we had a great talk.  Told Micheal the flower commercial story for the first time and showed him the video. We tried watching the recorded show on TV to see if we could get the flower commercial to come on, but it played the back pain commercial every time. It is still only doing the trick for me.

Micheal told us about something that happened to him – for no apparent reason at all, his Pandora started playing a song by Bob Marley – Three Little Birds – “Everything’s going to be all right, this is my message to you.” and he knew it was from his mother.