Thursday, June 15, 2017 You Don't Have To Be In Pain To Show Me You Love Me

Wow, two days gone by and I didn’t write!  That’s a first.  The good news is that I’ve been on a pretty even keel, with multiple 15-minute sessions a day and pretty busy days. I visited a friend of mine that lost his son some time ago and had a good talk about grief.  Couple of the key things that have come to me the past couple of days:

#1 – I cannot force or work my way into a more clear interaction with Irene or into having more of those intense good experiences – that is up to God.  What I can do is do my new session routine, which is a 15 minute combination of talking to Irene, praying and focusing/meditating on my manifestation key phrases at my “third eye” location, and do it for several reasons – to sit down with Irene and talk and listen; as a preventative; as a manifestation technique; as prayer; to help when I feel like I’m in trouble.  This is the work I do to achieve my goal; it doesn't deliver the goal. Only God can do that.

#2 – I do not have to feel pain in order to show Irene that I love her. She told me this while I was sitting at work one day and I had a charged emotional reaction to it, bursting into tears.  It appears that realizing this has had a very good effect on me.  I do not have to worry about feeling normal; feeling normal is not a betrayal of my love for her. She knows this – she wants me to feel normal, happy, joyous, whole. She doesn’t want me to suffer.  Being normal doesn’t mean I’m “moving on” from her, forgetting her, letting her go, or any of those things whatsoever because that will never happen.  Our relationship will continue to grow and get better and better going forward, but psychologically I realize I have, to some degree, in some weird way, been using emotional pain to show Irene how much I love her, to still feel physically connected to her.  There are other ways to show her this that are much better and far healthier.

One of my problems is that in our new situation I’m not taking care of her, and that’s what our relationship had been for a while – that has been my identity for a while, taking care of other people, but especially her. I had a clear path on how to show her physically how much I love her, but now that dynamic has changed dramatically – much as it has changed over various different situations we found ourselves in during her life here.  We always found a way to adjust and get through even the most difficult and radical of changes, and we will find our way through this, but I have to let go of the old dynamic.

I posted a picture of the drawing that appears in Irene's coffee every day since she passed on Facebook.  It looks like a blooming flower to me.  It's the same drawing, every day.