Love After Life

In our Zoom Group one of the participants said something that got me to thinking - about how many people say they want contact with their crossed-over loved one, but are unwilling to put in much effort to make it happen. From my own experience, I can say that a problem that I had to wrestle with in going down the path of developing a good transdimensional relationship with Irene was fear of failure. Sometimes I felt like it was just easier to hold on to the pain and live as best I could that way instead of compounding it by trying to develop communication and interaction with her and failing. Every time I reached a new place of reduced grief and sorrow was like a tiny ledge on a sheer rock wall I was attempting to climb, a place I just wanted to set up camp and stay instead of risking it all by trying to go further. That's basic survival instinct - even if a state of existence is painful, if you can at least survive in that state, it's hard to risk it for the unknown. ...

This is all, of course, from my personal experience and perception, so please don't take it as "spirit-'splaining" - feel free to dismiss if it doesn't resonate with you. Just now, I was out on the porch talking with Irene, and whenever I focused my loving attention on her I got an immediate physiological reaction.  My heart races, tears come to my eyes, and I feel things that are difficult to sort out. This is not something new, but it has become easier and easier to the point that it is basically something I can just do at any time. The feeling itself is great, but it's like my brain is learning to process something it doesn't recognize and cannot coordinate with the physical situation.  We talked a bit about it and I focused attention on her a couple of more times to try and figure out what it was, exactly, that I was feeling. Like I said, this isn't a new sensation. I've reported on it about as long as I've been writing this blog. The...

My relationship with Irene has reached a state of such normalcy and connection that I'm not even experiencing "forlorn longing" or sadness with regards to her not being here physically any more.  Every day now I'm very comfortable in my knowledge that she is here with me, that I am talking with her, and what is in store for us going forward.  Just like when she was here physically, I can get to where I need to be with her in more direct contact, and I meditate to get more deeply in tune with our shared consciousness frequency, but that was the norm for both of us here. I can get that with only a few minutes of visualization meditation. There are times when I want a more direct contact from her and I feel her presence more vividly, which causes my heart to race and tears of love and joy come to my eyes.  It is an exquisite, intimate sensation. I can just tell her I need to get a "dose" and she provides it.  When we were together we could just tell each othe...

Update 7-22-2018 On Friday, July 20, 2018, we achieved our goal of having a completely real astral visitation with each other. It was amazing!  I never lost consciousness transitioning from this dimension to the one where we are together.  The conversation we were having telepathically in our bed here flowed seamlessly into my actually being in a room, sitting next to her, having that same conversation with her.  Although I was conscious when my experiential scene flipped from lying in bed to sitting on a couch in a room next her, it took me several minutes to become fully cognizant of the fact that I was actually feeling the couch, actually seeing her and everything else (including my own hands when I gestured while talking).  I could hear her voice and mine. You can read more about it starting here. (Updated 12-18-2017 - WJM - New Sequential Post Archive Started & Book Now Available on Amazon) I have posted my book,  "Love After Life," so it can...

This morning I was thinking more about what I wrote about yesterday and realized that what we've accomplished here in just four months is nothing short of miraculous, every bit as miraculous as it would be for me to astral project and be able to see, hear and touch Irene again. For those of you who may not have ever experienced the kind of grief you experience after the love of your life dies (not necessarily your spouse; it could be a child, parent or someone else), that deep and profound pain is unlike anything else. For many, it ruins everything for pretty much the rest of their lives. As my friend who lost his child told me, you never experience joy again without also feeling the pain of that loss. That kind of grief carries with it an entirely different way of experiencing the world. Even when you feel good, you feel the loss and you also often feel guilty for feeling good. If you aren't thinking about your loved one for even a small time, you're heartbroken about ...

I woke up this morning actually feeling satisfied and happy.  I don't think I realized how big a weight that single unanswered question from yesterday has been weighing on me.  In fact, it's something I realize now has been weighing on me my entire life - but I definitely see why it was important for me to not know the answer until now - to really, truly experience the lack and loss I came here to experience.  Knowing that I came here for that reason changes everything in a fundamental way. I can also now understand why some come here to experience truly horrible conditions and events. That sense of deep appreciation afterward is not something that can be faked or learned academically or through simulation. It all makes sense to me now. I'm not saying this is the reason everyone comes here - I don't think that's the case by any means.  But for me, it puts my life in a perspective were I can really understand it and accept it and see clearly why the things that h...

I spent 8 hours out of the house yesterday visiting family and friends in town.  After getting home I spent some time going through what I'll call a spirit counseling session where I identify thoughts that are causing me pain and then talking through them with Irene and the rest of my spirit team, telling them what I'm experiencing and repeating over and over whatever it is that causes me pain. I realized that I do have actual guilt that I feel when I don't spend every second of every day "being productive" in either working at my job or working on accessing Irene and the astral world.  I identified that I feel like I'm letting her down when I'm not doing "everything humanly possible" to connect with her.  Of course, that guilt is nonsense - Irene absolutely wanted me to do what I did yesterday.  It was all perfectly set up for me to do and I felt entirely that it was what I should do.  Still, I felt guilty later. Working through the exercise...

A week or so ago I moved everything of any kind of value downstairs - so I could stop air-conditioning it - since I never have a reason to go up there anymore and none of the kids ever spend the night up there There's plenty of room downstairs. I moved the stereo into my office and set it up this morning so Irene and I could listen to her country oldies at noon. I turned it on to make sure everything worked and put it on her station to see if the remote worked while I sat at my desk. After I got everything working I asked Irene to play the next song, and it was one I never heard before by Kane Brown, "What Ifs", and the chorus lyrics jumped all over me: "What if I was made for you and you were made for me, what if this is it, what if it's meant to be..."   Irene always told me that God made me just for her and that we were meant to be - she said that exactly, so many times I can't count. She even wrote it down in her journal after we met. I can alway...

8:00 a.m. So, after writing up this whole post about how I'm going to refine my technique and set up a schedule, I just did a visualization meditation where I visualize interacting with Irene and she let me know I'm overthinking it again.  I'm always trying to fix things that aren't really broken, always trying to improve things that are really working just fine.  Just let go of expectations and do what feels right. 3:00 pm. I think the summer heat and humidity is really doing a number on me - it does every year.  I am really messed up today. I've been battling fear and doubt and confusion all day long.  I don't understand these emotions or where they come from.  I'm thinking all sorts of things that have never even entered my mind before - negative and hurtful things.  I've already meditated sitting and lying down several times just to try and get a handle on it.  It's weird because it's nowhere near as hot today outside - I should be better...

What a great morning!  I did morning prayers, then worked some, took care of the pets and then had a great meditation with Irene. I was posting some of these entries into the blog this morning and realized that a whole month ago I had already discovered that I should meditate and affirm with “we” and “us”, that it is something we do better and are more effective when we do it together, and it had been validated twice that day … and then somehow over the course of events I totally forgot! Unbelievable. I realize I do need to read back over my journal entries to refresh my memory about what has happened and what I’ve already learned .  It seems my mind works to keep these things from me – I guess to try to maintain my “status quo” of being involved in physical world activities. It’s a cognitive bias that seems to disallow or push aside anything that challenges or changes the way things are in my mind, current patterns and habits. Reading back I am struck by the remarkab...

Yesterday was amazing in many ways just because I felt normal to really good all day long, even though I drove to town twice, had people in the house the entire day, and only got to do one real session.  I didn’t feel any panic or pain – I only felt a comfortable and comforting arrangement with Irene and my spirit crew where I realized that some days I were going to be like that and it was okay to focus on the physical during those times. It doesn’t mean care about her less; it doesn’t mean I’m less interested in pursuing our new direction; it doesn’t mean that I am less motivated to meditate myself towards better clarity with her; it doesn’t mean we are moving apart. It just means that our relationship is adjusting, moving away from my desperate, panic- and pain-filled need for her towards a healthier, more fulfilling, confident and joyful dynamic that must include my participation in the physical world while I am here. I’ve been trying to figure out if there’s some ...

Woke up feeling really good, got a good session in this morning.  One of the things I’m trying to keep in mind is that it is not necessary to feel like I’m in constant contact with Irene.  It’s perfectly fine to continue on doing things in life in a normal way without constantly envisioning her with me or having a conversation with her.  There’s no need to feel guilty or like I’m failing her or forgetting her if I actually concentrate on other things for awhile.  We will have our time every day where I can talk with her or envision her or just “feel” her presence, and hopefully there will be a time when I can actually  experience her in perfect clarity. Joined a couple of grief groups on Facebook and made a post in each, then started reading.  Afterward I had to cry – I think I took on some of their pain, and these people are in serious, unrelenting despair and agony.    I came away very, very grateful for all of the grace, protection and lo...

Wow, still felt completely different when I woke up.  Got a little irrationally concerned that I had broken something or messed something up because I felt so unemotional.  I realized that if we are actually embarked on a new form of our relationship, the thing to keep in mind is that a lot of it before was actually bittersweet - love infused with pain and sorrow and a kind of forlorn, longing nostalgia (which started even before she died.)  I started getting hints of our new relationship, though, and it is just like I felt before that I have commented on when I experienced those times of grace the past couple of months – a happy, joyful, playful love without pain, sorrow or longing. Just did a session with Irene, not because I needed to relieve pain, or had to in order to help prevent pain, but because I wanted to!  No forlorn longing.  No grief or sadness – I just wanted to be with my wife and listen and do my part in establishing and understanding our n...

Had a great day yesterday and having a great one today so far.  Little bit of a breakthrough in realizing that when I do a session I either immediately or eventually feel this emotional surge in my heart which I have mistaken for pain but it’s not – I think it’s how I’m sensing Irene now, and along with that emotional sensation a small portion of it is pain and sorrow that I think is just automatically generated by my physical/psychological addiction to her.   By closely monitoring the experience and going through it gradually I realize there’s a lot of joy and happiness and closeness to her, I just have to learn to separate the two and get over/past the pain part.  It leaves me feeling very satisfied and happy.  I’ve been staying pretty much at normal or above the past few days even though they have been very tiring, active and draining with several trips into town and several kids staying over.  I’m actually enjoying it more and more and feeling less an...

Wow, two days gone by and I didn’t write!  That’s a first.  The good news is that I’ve been on a pretty even keel, with multiple 15-minute sessions a day and pretty busy days. I visited a friend of mine that lost his son some time ago and had a good talk about grief.  Couple of the key things that have come to me the past couple of days: #1 – I cannot force or work my way into a more clear interaction with Irene or into having more of those intense good experiences – that is up to God.  What I can do is do my new session routine, which is a 15 minute combination of talking to Irene, praying and focusing/meditating on my manifestation key phrases at my “third eye” location, and do it for several reasons – to sit down with Irene and talk and listen; as a preventative; as a manifestation technique; as prayer; to help when I feel like I’m in trouble.  This is the work I do to achieve my goal; it doesn't deliver the goal. Only God can do that. #2 – I do not...

I woke up feeling better, started feeling worse, said the heck with it and. went back to sleep.  Sometimes the only reasonable response to irrational heartache is sleep. If you can. I've been very lucky in this respect. Got to feeling worse and worse, full of confusion, didn’t even do a morning routine because I was so confused about it and felt so bad and unmotivated.  Sat down around noon and prayed the usual, then started meditating and the realization came to me that I was just making it all too hard.  I didn’t want to do my old formal Sant Mat meditation and I didn’t want to listen to any of the things people wrote in books about what I should or shouldn’t do that didn't make sense to me.  It's too confusing. I focused directly on Irene and on words that applied to her – love, joy, feeling whole and complete, connection, soul mate, delight, happiness – and then she was with me, I could feel it all, her sitting cross-legged in front of me, holding my extend...

I had a good morning session, 40 minutes of meditating.  Still have felt sad on and off during the morning, did 20 more minutes about 9:30.  Still going through something I’m trying to evaluate, like I’m trying to accept and understand what I’m really doing and why, and who I am going to be in this.  What am I really trying to do here? Survive long enough to go back to a semblance of a normal life?  What could that possibly look like without Irene?  What is my purpose here?  What should I be striving for here?  Do I think it is really possible for me to actually join up with Irene in spirit while I am still living here, and experience us together on the other side for real - not just imagined, envisioned, or really strongly felt? I had to meditate for 30 more minutes, I’m crashing this afternoon. Nothing I do seems to stop it.  I feel like I’ve lost everything and nothing will bring it back.  I can’t seem to feel or envision Irene....

I woke up feeling okay, had a really good morning session.  Was actually feeling really good until a bunch of family drama crashed me and injected all sorts of negative, self-destructive thoughts, then Irene soothed me and led me back to feeling pretty good, had a good meditation that included a lot of envisioning Irene.   Sometimes I just have to use the meditation to bond with her and not raising vibrational level so much. I have been worried about whether or not my relationships with some of the children will continue without Irene being here physically, but after a great talk with Mike after he got here today I realize that my fears and doubts about this are all just negative influences working on my insecurities. I rode with Mike over to Robert’s house and Gerra & Jace were there, and Irene & I had a great time – we were all talking and cracking jokes and having a good time.  Then Gerra took Mike & Jace and me to see Wonder Woman, and I wa...

I went to store and got stocked up on my new diet food.  Felt like emotional crap pretty much all day.  The food I made was freaking AWESOME though!  I got a nap in, didn’t really help much.  I feel like I’m being assaulted all the time from all sides. It’s ridiculous. I’m so tired of me right now.  Been running an internal (even if I say it out loud most of the time) dialogue all day long to stay strong and remember that there will be better days. Really I think I'm just trying to distract myself enough to not break down too badly so I can get through the day and fall asleep.   At least I don't have much trouble falling asleep. That's probably an immense blessing most people in my situation don't have the luxury of.  I don't know how bad off I'd be if I had to deal with this and a lack of sleep.

I had a dream about Irene last night, only lasted a few seconds but it was still more than the other 4 where she appeared for only a second or two. I was in charge of throwing trash out of the house (this was like my mother’s house on 30th street) and had big bags of trash outside. I also helped the neighbor carry some of her trash out – or was it all her trash? I don’t quite remember. I was with some other guy who said that Irene said she was going to get rid of the trash and that I needed to help. Anyway we walked outside to check on things and Irene was outside in her overall shorts, about the age I met her, doing some gardening around where that big tree used to be in my mother’s front yard, said something like “you’re the undertaker” somehow meaning it was my job to get rid of the trash? Or the old stuff? Or the dead stuff? - while she was working on planting the new stuff. Anyway I was so excited to see her and hear her voice I woke up. Had a really good session, new meditati...