Wednesday, June 21, 2017 The Tide Turns?

Wow, still felt completely different when I woke up.  Got a little irrationally concerned that I had broken something or messed something up because I felt so unemotional.  I realized that if we are actually embarked on a new form of our relationship, the thing to keep in mind is that a lot of it before was actually bittersweet - love infused with pain and sorrow and a kind of forlorn, longing nostalgia (which started even before she died.)  I started getting hints of our new relationship, though, and it is just like I felt before that I have commented on when I experienced those times of grace the past couple of months – a happy, joyful, playful love without pain, sorrow or longing.

Just did a session with Irene, not because I needed to relieve pain, or had to in order to help prevent pain, but because I wanted to!  No forlorn longing.  No grief or sadness – I just wanted to be with my wife and listen and do my part in establishing and understanding our new relationship.  And it was great!  Any time there was any hint of sad or negative emotions I was immediately able to cast them out with my new persona/attitude of being the man Irene deserves and the man I want to be. 

Casting out the pain and longing doesn’t mean casting out the deep connection, the love, or the intimate relationship; I just realize that there’s no room, no need and no reason for that in our relationship.  It doesn’t mean I forget about or dismiss or ignore our life here, but rather that I put it in its proper perspective – it’s not who we are now.  Just as “who we are” changed over the course of our lives here, it has once again changed.  What we have now is great and should be completely embraced.  I felt so freaking energized at the end of the session and have felt her with me – my partner, my lover, my confidant, my best friend, my wife, my soul mate – since.  Yes, I feel emotion and tear up, but not out of sadness – rather, joy, love, heartfelt union with my woman.

And then I spent several hours fighting against encroaching negative emotions – fighting against them angrily. I prayed a good non-pain-based prayer.  The fight has left me feeling pretty good but really tired.