Achieving Normalcy
My relationship with Irene has reached a state of such normalcy and connection that I'm not even experiencing "forlorn longing" or sadness with regards to her not being here physically any more. Every day now I'm very comfortable in my knowledge that she is here with me, that I am talking with her, and what is in store for us going forward. Just like when she was here physically, I can get to where I need to be with her in more direct contact, and I meditate to get more deeply in tune with our shared consciousness frequency, but that was the norm for both of us here. I can get that with only a few minutes of visualization meditation.
There are times when I want a more direct contact from her and I feel her presence more vividly, which causes my heart to race and tears of love and joy come to my eyes. It is an exquisite, intimate sensation. I can just tell her I need to get a "dose" and she provides it. When we were together we could just tell each other we needed some close contact time; it didn't require any drama.
The process of getting to this point was very interesting because there was a lingering habit. in some ways, of holding on to the small drama of fear and doubt, sorrow and longing because I still felt, on some level, that those things provided some connective glue to our relationship. In other words, if things became too "normal", she'd drift away from me or it would seem to her (I imagined) like I didn't love her as much.
I guess it is similar to physical-world relationships many people have that have cycles of drama - large or small - to provide ongoing emotional attachment and to reaffirm (even in a "negative" sense) to each other how much they mean to each other. Holding on to pain to make sure the other person knows you would be in pain without them isn't, IMO, healthy, and all it really does is perpetuate the sorrow and hurt needlessly, even if it does calm our insecurities for a while.
A trans-dimensional relationship that feels like a normal physical relationship can be a very tricky thing because, at least for myself for a long time, I didn't want it to feel "normal". The swings of emotional drama (although minor) over the past few months had become, to some degree, an unnecessary method of feeling like I was holding on to Irene. It's not that I'm "letting her go" - not at all; I'm letting go of the idea that emotional drama keeps me in closer contact with her. I'm letting go of the idea that "normalcy" represents a decline in our relationship, when it is in fact an incredible achievement.
I'm not saying I avoid emotional reactions - not at all; I love those tender and sweet, ecstatic moments when she comes into my heart and mind with more of a presence than usual, but I realize now I don't have to hold on to fear, doubt, sorrow or longing because the diminishing of those things doesn't mean we are drifting apart; rather, it means we are now so close and so confident we are as one again in our normal state of happy union, just like we had before she transitioned.
It's interesting that Irene and I were well beyond injecting emotional drama into our relationship while she was physically here, but I recognize now that to a small degree I had been using it. We had gone beyond the "drama" method of facilitating emotional exchanges to the consciously purposeful method of being aware of our own and each other's emotional needs and desires and mindfully fulfilling them intentionally in a positive and direct manner. We didn't let insecurities, doubt, fear or sorrow subconsciously create drama; we addressed those things honestly and directly.
I realize we can do that now as well, and so we've entered a new stage of our trans-dimensional relationship. We're back to complete confidence and trust, and it is freakin' awesome!
There are times when I want a more direct contact from her and I feel her presence more vividly, which causes my heart to race and tears of love and joy come to my eyes. It is an exquisite, intimate sensation. I can just tell her I need to get a "dose" and she provides it. When we were together we could just tell each other we needed some close contact time; it didn't require any drama.
The process of getting to this point was very interesting because there was a lingering habit. in some ways, of holding on to the small drama of fear and doubt, sorrow and longing because I still felt, on some level, that those things provided some connective glue to our relationship. In other words, if things became too "normal", she'd drift away from me or it would seem to her (I imagined) like I didn't love her as much.
I guess it is similar to physical-world relationships many people have that have cycles of drama - large or small - to provide ongoing emotional attachment and to reaffirm (even in a "negative" sense) to each other how much they mean to each other. Holding on to pain to make sure the other person knows you would be in pain without them isn't, IMO, healthy, and all it really does is perpetuate the sorrow and hurt needlessly, even if it does calm our insecurities for a while.
A trans-dimensional relationship that feels like a normal physical relationship can be a very tricky thing because, at least for myself for a long time, I didn't want it to feel "normal". The swings of emotional drama (although minor) over the past few months had become, to some degree, an unnecessary method of feeling like I was holding on to Irene. It's not that I'm "letting her go" - not at all; I'm letting go of the idea that emotional drama keeps me in closer contact with her. I'm letting go of the idea that "normalcy" represents a decline in our relationship, when it is in fact an incredible achievement.
I'm not saying I avoid emotional reactions - not at all; I love those tender and sweet, ecstatic moments when she comes into my heart and mind with more of a presence than usual, but I realize now I don't have to hold on to fear, doubt, sorrow or longing because the diminishing of those things doesn't mean we are drifting apart; rather, it means we are now so close and so confident we are as one again in our normal state of happy union, just like we had before she transitioned.
It's interesting that Irene and I were well beyond injecting emotional drama into our relationship while she was physically here, but I recognize now that to a small degree I had been using it. We had gone beyond the "drama" method of facilitating emotional exchanges to the consciously purposeful method of being aware of our own and each other's emotional needs and desires and mindfully fulfilling them intentionally in a positive and direct manner. We didn't let insecurities, doubt, fear or sorrow subconsciously create drama; we addressed those things honestly and directly.
I realize we can do that now as well, and so we've entered a new stage of our trans-dimensional relationship. We're back to complete confidence and trust, and it is freakin' awesome!
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