Wednesday, June 7, 2017 Overthinking Everything

I woke up feeling better, started feeling worse, said the heck with it and. went back to sleep.  Sometimes the only reasonable response to irrational heartache is sleep. If you can. I've been very lucky in this respect.

Got to feeling worse and worse, full of confusion, didn’t even do a morning routine because I was so confused about it and felt so bad and unmotivated.  Sat down around noon and prayed the usual, then started meditating and the realization came to me that I was just making it all too hard.  I didn’t want to do my old formal Sant Mat meditation and I didn’t want to listen to any of the things people wrote in books about what I should or shouldn’t do that didn't make sense to me.  It's too confusing.

I focused directly on Irene and on words that applied to her – love, joy, feeling whole and complete, connection, soul mate, delight, happiness – and then she was with me, I could feel it all, her sitting cross-legged in front of me, holding my extended hands, letting me know this was good, this is how to move forward, I was making it too complicated and open to too much confusion. We are soul mates in perfect accord, together we can do this, any time I want or need her is absolutely good.  Do not hesitate, doubt or fear. Talk to her all the time if I want. It’s perfectly good and okay.

She reminds me how this has always been my biggest problem - overthinking everything and making it too hard and complicated when all I need to do is listen to my heart and have faith.

Felt very good afterward, took a nap, woke up feeling good, had another 30 minute session with her on the couch.  I sit in meditation pose on the couch facing her usual position  on the couch – when I did so there was a bright red cardinal in the bird feeder in the window.  Had another great session.  I’ve decided to combine all three aspects of sessions – the prayer, focused talk with Irene and meditation – into a single session.

Things I say during meditation:  "We are happy, we are joyful, we are complete, we are whole, we are comforted, we live in grace and love, we are here for each other, we are eternal, we are always together, we are adventurous, we are funny, we delight in each other and in all things around us, we are mysterious, we are strong, we are light, we are in heaven, we are in each other’s heart and mind, we have faith. I love you Irene, you are with me always."

I love you Irene, Irene you are with me always – I put these and more on a separate page I’ve saved.  On wheel of Fortune Vanna came out in what looked like Irene’s black & floral dress she was always wearing, then a “Mummy” trailer came on – the first one of those I’ve seen where Tom Cruise says “I’ve seen her. She’s real.”  I started an exercise routine today to get my body more fit, my circulation better, to feel healthier and have more energy for the purpose of being able to better communicate with Irene.

I've realized that I'm "all in" on this adventure; it's not enough for me to just "get over" the pain and grief and go on having a normal life and doing meditation and talking with Irene - I want to actually see her in hyper-real clarity while I'm still on this side.  I want to actually leave my body and really visit her.  If it doesn't happen that's fine, but that's what I want and that's what I'm going to strive for.  I figure even if I don't achieve that goal everything I'm doing is ultimately for the good and may even help some others trying to cope with the grief of losing a loved one.