Love After Life

To continue from yesterday, I don't know what it was but it felt like I was coming down with something.  I continued to feel worse until Wheel of Fortune came on and, in my mind, Irene was there with me as usual and I completely calmed down and felt much better mentally and emotionally, even though I still felt a little under the weather.  I had to keep reminding myself to stop thinking, to stop trying to figure it out, that when I felt like that it's time to just get through and let time pass until I feel better.  I told myself I'd feel fine in the morning - and I do! It's so baffling how, when I feel that way, all these strange and unsettling thoughts and mental/emotional sensations manifest.  Also, my ability to even think about those thoughts and feelings rationally or objectively becomes impaired and I end up fueling them somehow.  This morning I'm thinking that "trying to figure something out", which used to be my "go-to" process, is ac...

Had some trouble in the evening yesterday, but by the time I went to sleep I was pretty good and fell right to sleep.  Woke up this morning and felt sad (about a 4 on the scale where 5 is normal). Was drinking some coffee with Irene and watching a little TV before our morning session when she pulled another commercial switch, this time during live TV.  I was watching Catfish (one of our favorite shows) and couldn’t jump forward because it wasn’t a recorded show, and just as it ended I realized I had been watching that Honda “perfect Accord” commercial again, and I wanted to make sure it was that commercial, flipped back 10 seconds and it was an entirely different commercial. I couldn’t get that perfect accord commercial to play again.  The effect it had on me was an amazing transformation, very, very good emotionally. I am so happy now and feel so complete and connected to Irene. I’ve decided that I must be what is called “clairsentient”, in the sense that I can ...

I woke up feeling better, started feeling worse, said the heck with it and. went back to sleep.  Sometimes the only reasonable response to irrational heartache is sleep. If you can. I've been very lucky in this respect. Got to feeling worse and worse, full of confusion, didn’t even do a morning routine because I was so confused about it and felt so bad and unmotivated.  Sat down around noon and prayed the usual, then started meditating and the realization came to me that I was just making it all too hard.  I didn’t want to do my old formal Sant Mat meditation and I didn’t want to listen to any of the things people wrote in books about what I should or shouldn’t do that didn't make sense to me.  It's too confusing. I focused directly on Irene and on words that applied to her – love, joy, feeling whole and complete, connection, soul mate, delight, happiness – and then she was with me, I could feel it all, her sitting cross-legged in front of me, holding my extend...

Woke up feeling “normal”.  Talked to Irene like normal. Did normal things. Experienced a very sweet, warm sensation of love from her.  I remind myself that “normal” is okay, it’s good, it’s how we spent most of our time together – in a state of “normal” – feeling comforted by each other’s presence, being able to do daily things like work and household chores, then when we needed or wanted spike up into a more intense exchange of that love/intimacy in various ways.  This morning I feel very confident, very much in love with her, very strong that she is always here with me.  It’s really amazing and wonderful.  I understand I have to set my rational, analytical mind aside and just exist in faith, love, and the knowing I have that she is actually in me, a part of me. I have to make a note – I just went into the kitchen and was making more coffee when Irene gave me such a warm, loving, euphoric sense of union with her that it was unbelievable.  She’s telli...

I have crashed into a world of hurt today.  My mind latches onto every conceivable thought and feeling to generate more pain and suffering, trying to turn everything into crap – all thoughts of the past, present and future.  My mind is seeking out every conceivable avenue of accumulating pain, despair and regret, and nothing I do seems to give it any pause.  The grief is causing so much confusion in my head, making me doubt everything, wondering if Irene and I are even on the same page, wondering if I'm hurting her with my grief, wondering how she can stand me right now, wondering if she had so many better things to do than to be constantly running to my aid. I realize I can't remember the date we met.  Was it January 10th?  20th?  I can't believe I can't remember.  I plunge even further into despair. At one point I started the Long Island Medium recording (the magic flower commercial) to try and see the flower commercial again. It wouldn’t ...