Tuesday, June 6, 2017 What Am I Really Doing Here?

I had a good morning session, 40 minutes of meditating.  Still have felt sad on and off during the morning, did 20 more minutes about 9:30.  Still going through something I’m trying to evaluate, like I’m trying to accept and understand what I’m really doing and why, and who I am going to be in this.  What am I really trying to do here? Survive long enough to go back to a semblance of a normal life?  What could that possibly look like without Irene?  What is my purpose here?  What should I be striving for here?  Do I think it is really possible for me to actually join up with Irene in spirit while I am still living here, and experience us together on the other side for real - not just imagined, envisioned, or really strongly felt?

I had to meditate for 30 more minutes, I’m crashing this afternoon. Nothing I do seems to stop it.  I feel like I’ve lost everything and nothing will bring it back.  I can’t seem to feel or envision Irene.  I thought earlier that maybe this is like when she and I ever started on any new, better track, something would try really hard to stop us and mess us up.  Either that or it’s just a wave of withdrawal. I cling to those thoughts, and the words I've written before that there are times I actually feel great.  Maybe I will wake up tomorrow and this unbearable pain, doubt, fear and panic will be over for a while.