Love After Life

Yesterday went really well. Spent about six hours with my siblings and their spouses and had a great time with no crash afterward.  Sounds like progress! Something I realized more last evening was that now I actually cherish the sensation of missing Irene at times - it no longer comes from a place in me as if I've lost her, but rather it comes from a place where it is sweet and anticipatory, like when she would be somewhere else for a while during her life.  My sister asked me at one point if I felt her presence.  Since I know she reads this blog, I want to answer her here: you can always tell when I don't feel her presence - that's when I'm kneeling by the side of the bed sobbing and praying.  I feel her presence constantly in my heart and mind or else I couldn't continue to function. When I miss her I am missing the ability to hear her, touch her, and see her and fully communicate and interact, but now I have a good foundation of knowing, throughout my whole ...

It's been a busy couple of days.  The kids got in at 2:00 am yesterday morning from their Colorado trip. I tried to go back to sleep but couldn’t.  I got lots of work done both for work and for this blog.  I knew it was going to be a challenge because they were going to be here most of the day yesterday and today Gerra & Jace will be here and we went into town to court to finish up the adult adoption. I wasn’t able to talk openly to Irene or my spirit team and I had decided not to bring Irene up in order to see how I would weather it.  Lately I’ve been feeling that what she and I are personally trying to accomplish is something best kept to ourselves unless asked and put on the blog for those who are interested or shared in interested groups.  I don’t want to “force” what we are doing or my methods on the family or anyone else.  That’s an old Sant Mat perspective – if others are interested, then speak; otherwise, let life go on here as normal. ...

I didn’t get enough sleep, so started the day off not really feeling good and kind of dragged all morning. It’s 3:00 p.m. and I’ve already needed a couple of sessions. Ate a little too much at lunch but it didn’t drag me down or make me tired – it was just tofu, stir-fry veggies, rice & guacamole. After feeling so good yesterday it’s so bizarre to me that I can now feel so vulnerable, doubtful and freaking pitiful. Not a full blown grief session, but kind of in the “normal” zone and dipping down a bit, which is when I do a session. This sensation makes it hard to work. I start feeling like I’m missing something and I feel anxious, fearful and slightly upset.

Finished the day of well yesterday, woke up in kind of neutral state, skipped the morning session because I just didn’t feel it, recited my new “us” prayer and mantra phrases while walking the dogs and immediately felt more connected and happy.  Did my exercises, sat down to work feeling positive and happy and connected to Irene. While working I’ve been talking to Irene and repeating my new mantras, and I’ve been experiencing this ecstatic joy and happiness and total connection to her for a long time.  It feels insanely good, bringing tears to my eyes and laughter – it’s like I cannot even contain it. It's crazy how good I can feel spontaneously just doing normal things. It turned into one of those amazingly good, indescribable experiences.   Later in the day I felt some fear and doubt creep in, so I sat down in the new pose (facing where Irene used to sit)  and when I did saw a cardinal at the feeder in the window in front of me.  I did abou...

I had a good morning session, 40 minutes of meditating.  Still have felt sad on and off during the morning, did 20 more minutes about 9:30.  Still going through something I’m trying to evaluate, like I’m trying to accept and understand what I’m really doing and why, and who I am going to be in this.  What am I really trying to do here? Survive long enough to go back to a semblance of a normal life?  What could that possibly look like without Irene?  What is my purpose here?  What should I be striving for here?  Do I think it is really possible for me to actually join up with Irene in spirit while I am still living here, and experience us together on the other side for real - not just imagined, envisioned, or really strongly felt? I had to meditate for 30 more minutes, I’m crashing this afternoon. Nothing I do seems to stop it.  I feel like I’ve lost everything and nothing will bring it back.  I can’t seem to feel or envision Irene....

I had a dream about Irene last night, only lasted a few seconds but it was still more than the other 4 where she appeared for only a second or two. I was in charge of throwing trash out of the house (this was like my mother’s house on 30th street) and had big bags of trash outside. I also helped the neighbor carry some of her trash out – or was it all her trash? I don’t quite remember. I was with some other guy who said that Irene said she was going to get rid of the trash and that I needed to help. Anyway we walked outside to check on things and Irene was outside in her overall shorts, about the age I met her, doing some gardening around where that big tree used to be in my mother’s front yard, said something like “you’re the undertaker” somehow meaning it was my job to get rid of the trash? Or the old stuff? Or the dead stuff? - while she was working on planting the new stuff. Anyway I was so excited to see her and hear her voice I woke up. Had a really good session, new meditati...

I woke up in a weird state. I felt normal and felt bad about feeling normal. It took a while to get in sync with Irene.  Full morning session.  Need to remember that doing the sessions is just me doing what I can, that it’s all in god’s hands and that I can go to the spirit realm and fully interact with Irene any time God decides regardless of any “progress” I am making and regardless of my efforts.  I just have to do what I can and be as good a person as I can to hold up my end of this. I probably ate too much for lunch - eating too much makes me feel weird, had a minor swing into sadness (not despair or grief).  I dug through some of Irene's stuff outside before committing it to the trash, got me to thinking about our lives here and how we interacted and communicated, about what it is that I get to missing and feeling so bad about at times.   Then I had a kind of big “throw up” crash.  It’s just so weird – I can be doing so well, then boom!...

I felt strong and good when I woke up, spent time with Irene working with Irene on new relationship, talking about what it means going forward.  I want our relationship to be strong and “normalized”, but I also recognize that I am insecure about that normalization.   One of the things I enjoyed about Irene being sick (ugh, I hate admitting this) was that she depended on me and I was able to come through for her.  Her illness provided a framework to let me show her how much I loved her and how much she could depend on me.  It was a similar thing with my mom when I was able to fully move my work to home; I could take care of her.  I could "pay her back" for all the help she had ever given us and I could "prove" to her that was worth that trust.  I found taking care of Mom and Irene very rewarding, like I might actually be a good person worth the love and trust others placed in me. So, it's been years since we had a "normal" relationship, so to s...