Thursday, July 6, 2017 My Fairy Queen Angel

Yesterday was amazing in many ways just because I felt normal to really good all day long, even though I drove to town twice, had people in the house the entire day, and only got to do one real session.  I didn’t feel any panic or pain – I only felt a comfortable and comforting arrangement with Irene and my spirit crew where I realized that some days I were going to be like that and it was okay to focus on the physical during those times. It doesn’t mean care about her less; it doesn’t mean I’m less interested in pursuing our new direction; it doesn’t mean that I am less motivated to meditate myself towards better clarity with her; it doesn’t mean we are moving apart.

It just means that our relationship is adjusting, moving away from my desperate, panic- and pain-filled need for her towards a healthier, more fulfilling, confident and joyful dynamic that must include my participation in the physical world while I am here.

I’ve been trying to figure out if there’s some way I can share some of what I’ve experienced in the Loss of a Spouse Grief Support group, but every day I read there I realize I’m so blessed and I feel like I don’t have any room or standing to share some of these things with them. The pain they are going through is so devastating and so tremendous; although I know that pain intimately, mine has not been anywhere near so constant or long-lasting.  I feel if I try to post something positive it trivializes what they are experiencing and I don’t want to do that. I don’t want to cause anyone any offense or any more sadness. I just want to help if I can.

While I was writing this, the following came to me:

“I want to share something but I don’t want to offend anyone in doing so.  I respect everyone’s beliefs and their pain.  I’m not saying anything that I’m writing here applies or should apply to anyone else here.  I would never say that.  I’m only sharing because maybe it might help someone else and I feel compelled to do so. 

A couple of weeks ago I feel like I got a very clear message from my departed wife, Irene.  She said something very simple but I literally burst into tears as soon as it crossed my mind in her voice: “You don’t have to be in pain to show me you love me.”  I immediately knew that, in some ways, I actually held the pain closely because it was strongly, so strongly, connecting me to her.

Years ago, long before she got sick, I drew my wife (how I saw her) and wrote her a message on it to try and tell her how I felt about her.  The last line sums up the crushing realization I had when she spoke in my mind.  The last line says:

Beyond all that

All the explanations

Beyond your beauty, your light, your dark,

Your joy, your sorrow, 

The endless hours of passion

And delightful communication

And falling asleep next to you ... 

Beyond all explanation

I know that to be without you 

Would turn my world into a lifeless, painful, bleak existence

Where my only comfort

And my greatest torture

Would be to think of you.

It’s taken me some time since she told me that for me to realize there are many, many ways that I can show her how much I love her without clinging to the pain.  I can talk to her anytime, get cards for her and write her notes just like I used to; I can watch our favorite shows with her (even though I cannot see her) and find new ones for us to get involved in, and set her coffee out for her just like always; I can laugh with her and enjoy the sunshine and family events and holidays just like always.  Experiencing laughter, and happiness and joy is not a betrayal of her; it is not a diminishment of our love or what she means to me; it is a testimony of my love for her.  It is a validation that the joy and goodness of our love on Earth continues even while she is in Heaven and I am still here.  I want her to be so proud of me that she brings others in heaven to see what how her man is strong, is proud of her, is living his life in positive and loving testimony to what a wonderful, good, joyful woman she is.

Thanks for letting me share that with you.  I love you guys and pray for you all every day.”

I added the picture poem of Irene as a winged angel/fairy and posted it. Immediately it got a lot of very positive response and a couple of people said it even helped them!!  I was ecstatic!  I just felt like we did it – we used our story to help others!! It felt so good.

Later I had a very good meditation -  a new technique just occurred to me after my beginning prayer of intention, protection and God’s will.  I sit in lotus position in our living room, where we always sat together and in front of her “shrine”, our sacred space, and concentrate on this: “I have strength, confidence, energy, love and focus – I am manifesting my spirit body into our space (while envisioning our meeting space, as described in “Soul Smart”) to be with Irene – we are supported and protected by the white light of God’s will and love”.   It’s easier for me to imagine/focus on being right where I am, and it was we spent much time together by ourselves or with family and friends.  I felt more incredibly focused and near to spirit than any other session so far – it felt like I was right there, just on the other side of a thin veil.