Love After Life

Yesterday was amazing in many ways just because I felt normal to really good all day long, even though I drove to town twice, had people in the house the entire day, and only got to do one real session.  I didn’t feel any panic or pain – I only felt a comfortable and comforting arrangement with Irene and my spirit crew where I realized that some days I were going to be like that and it was okay to focus on the physical during those times. It doesn’t mean care about her less; it doesn’t mean I’m less interested in pursuing our new direction; it doesn’t mean that I am less motivated to meditate myself towards better clarity with her; it doesn’t mean we are moving apart. It just means that our relationship is adjusting, moving away from my desperate, panic- and pain-filled need for her towards a healthier, more fulfilling, confident and joyful dynamic that must include my participation in the physical world while I am here. I’ve been trying to figure out if there’s some ...

I had a very nice, long conversation with Irene last night.  Found a natural, comfortable position in bed without kneeling or trying to be all meditational or yoga-ish and just started talking as if we were having a normal conversation, told her some things about us and our life that I thought she might not know. I feel completely intimate with her now – like there’s absolutely nothing I want to keep from her at all.  We always were able to talk about anything, but there are always things you think are better left unsaid at times.  We can talk about ANYTHING now, no little things that are best kept hidden or silent.  I feel like none of that matters to her either – we’re beyond any little white lies or personal spaces.  It’s amazing how freeing this feels and how close it makes me feel to her.  Also, I don't want every conversation I have with her to be so heavy and "me" centric. She and I would have the most amazing conversations about all kind...

There are things I need to do to better prepare and condition myself for "lucid living" and developing a better connection to the spiritual in my quest to manifest a "transdimensional" relationship with Irene.  This is why spiritual doctrines use mantras, diet, physical meditating poses and breathing exercises – to find and develop our connection and relationship with the spiritual world, and to habitualize that process into a lifestyle pattern.  I think a lot of it boils down to intention and manifestation; the exercises/habits promote the intention, which in turn helps manifest results into reality. I think a lot of it is also just the grace of God.  I've started to look for more information, videos, books, etc. on the afterlife, prayer, meditation, the spiritual aspects of existence - which is saying a lot, since I've always been interested in such things and have always found such information fascinating and have tried to apply it to my life.  Howev...

Our other son Mike and Gerra stayed at the house the rest of the week and Robert and another daughter,  Ivori, were over about every day. I spent the past few days getting some of Irene's affairs in order, such as applying for a death certificate and notifying doctors and services.  I also had the kids take things of hers they wanted. Today everyone had left and I was doing some work and cleaning up.  Gerra had gone through the desk by the bed and I wanted to find Irene's pocket calendars (which she kept years of, with daily notes throughout), so I could find some information about when our dogs might need flea and tick meds because summer was coming up. It's astounding how much information a married couple relies upon each other to have. Irene kept track of all sorts of things even while battling her illness.     Looking through her stuff was very emotional. How much every little thing means to you when a loved one passes!  I found an old notepad mark...