Sunday, May 7, 2017 The Pink Tiger-Lily

I had a very nice, long conversation with Irene last night.  Found a natural, comfortable position in bed without kneeling or trying to be all meditational or yoga-ish and just started talking as if we were having a normal conversation, told her some things about us and our life that I thought she might not know. I feel completely intimate with her now – like there’s absolutely nothing I want to keep from her at all.  We always were able to talk about anything, but there are always things you think are better left unsaid at times.  We can talk about ANYTHING now, no little things that are best kept hidden or silent.  I feel like none of that matters to her either – we’re beyond any little white lies or personal spaces.  It’s amazing how freeing this feels and how close it makes me feel to her. 

Also, I don't want every conversation I have with her to be so heavy and "me" centric. She and I would have the most amazing conversations about all kinds of things, but mostly about God, the universe, spirituality, spirits, getting over personal issues, psychology, etc.  That's what I want for us going forward. I so want to get over all the conversation being about me coping with with this transition.

There's a pink tiger-lily in the kitchen that has been here since the celebration.  It's the only flower other than a couple of small carnations that has survived this long - all the other tiger-lilies have died. This one still looks perfect.

A second lamp has burned out in my office.  Not bulbs - the second lamp to stop working altogether. I think this is Irene’s way of telling me it’s time to move my office to the front room.  I felt like Irene thinks it is urgent for me to move, so I worked my butt off to move my office to the front room where she had her craft projects and boxes of things she kept for future use.  Ivori and long-time significant other Trey came out to see if they could break down the workout station but decided it wouldn’t fit.  They stayed a while, Ivori did some yard work on the pyramid.  After they left I finished getting the functional parts of my work station in place in the front room but couldn’t get the internet, so Ivori and Trey came out (again!) and he got me up and running.

After they left I basically just broke down and started sobbing.  I think I had worked too much, gotten too wore out, hadn’t been able to talk to Irene as much as I like, and then seeing the change of emptying my old office and transforming Irene’s room felt like I was destroying a connection to her - a part of the way things were before she died. I basically cried myself to sleep.