Fun and Light-Hearted
Still a bit under the weather today but have felt well enough to keep on track. While I was sitting outside I was having a bit of a conversation in my head with Irene as if she was sitting beside me when I decided to send her a more focused mental message and immediately, in my mind, she said "Hey, I'm right beside you - you're talking right to me." I turned my head and these two big black and yellow butterflies flew into my field of vision right then, the same kind that I've talked about before. I laughed and said "okay, okay" and in my mind she said "I'm always right here, with you." I saw a small, empty chip bag being slowly blown down the street in front of my house. I said to Irene: "I know you think I should go pick that bag up, but ... nah. Don't wanna." I went inside.
Later in one of the afterlife groups there was a conversation about the same thing and they agreed that our loved ones are always with us - not in some kind of vague way, but in a real way. A little while later I happened to find several pictures of Irene I didn't know I had - three more at our wedding, and lots more in a box in her closet we haven't been through yet including one that's not very sharp but is probably one of the best ones as far as depicting her as I see her in my mind a lot of the time. In it she has a big happy smile on her face and she's sitting on a bench swing and her three brothers and her dad are around her. Seeing that one really had a lot of emotional impact while none of the others affected me that way, which I found interesting.
I was on the way outside again to walk the dogs and I was having this mental discussion with Irene about today being a good "normal" day. It occurred t me that one of my problems is that I don't really want my interaction with Irene to be "normalized", meaning without the big emotional content one way or another.
I realized that some part of me was thinking that if it became too normalized, it wouldn't seem as real or as important or as meaningful, and some part of me found that idea sad. Some part of me wanted the big emotional swings - like when I saw that picture - but the problem is that if a picture of Irene the way she looks in my mind does that to me, what's it going to do to me to actually see her and come in contact with her? For some reason it seems to me that a more "normalized" relationship will make it easier for us to interact better. I don't want to get addicted to the drama of wildly alternating emotional experiences. Neither of us were ever interested in manufacturing life drama just for the excitement.
There's some part of me that thinks that simple, regular communication with her isn't enough to be real, that the emotional content somehow makes it more real or more likely to be real. I want to change that thinking. These emotions are just too exhausting and I'm sure they're not really helping anything we're trying to do.
Anyway, I stepped outside and somehow that empty chip bag I didn't pick up earlier had taken a right turn from its previous trajectory and come maybe 25 feet right up next to the bottom step leading up to my porch. I laughed and asked Irene, "What, are you pranking me now?" The immediate response irene gave me in my head: "Remember - you said you wanted to have more fun and lighthearted stuff."
Yes, I did. Just yesterday. Which I had forgotten at the time.
Later in one of the afterlife groups there was a conversation about the same thing and they agreed that our loved ones are always with us - not in some kind of vague way, but in a real way. A little while later I happened to find several pictures of Irene I didn't know I had - three more at our wedding, and lots more in a box in her closet we haven't been through yet including one that's not very sharp but is probably one of the best ones as far as depicting her as I see her in my mind a lot of the time. In it she has a big happy smile on her face and she's sitting on a bench swing and her three brothers and her dad are around her. Seeing that one really had a lot of emotional impact while none of the others affected me that way, which I found interesting.
I was on the way outside again to walk the dogs and I was having this mental discussion with Irene about today being a good "normal" day. It occurred t me that one of my problems is that I don't really want my interaction with Irene to be "normalized", meaning without the big emotional content one way or another.
I realized that some part of me was thinking that if it became too normalized, it wouldn't seem as real or as important or as meaningful, and some part of me found that idea sad. Some part of me wanted the big emotional swings - like when I saw that picture - but the problem is that if a picture of Irene the way she looks in my mind does that to me, what's it going to do to me to actually see her and come in contact with her? For some reason it seems to me that a more "normalized" relationship will make it easier for us to interact better. I don't want to get addicted to the drama of wildly alternating emotional experiences. Neither of us were ever interested in manufacturing life drama just for the excitement.
There's some part of me that thinks that simple, regular communication with her isn't enough to be real, that the emotional content somehow makes it more real or more likely to be real. I want to change that thinking. These emotions are just too exhausting and I'm sure they're not really helping anything we're trying to do.
Anyway, I stepped outside and somehow that empty chip bag I didn't pick up earlier had taken a right turn from its previous trajectory and come maybe 25 feet right up next to the bottom step leading up to my porch. I laughed and asked Irene, "What, are you pranking me now?" The immediate response irene gave me in my head: "Remember - you said you wanted to have more fun and lighthearted stuff."
Yes, I did. Just yesterday. Which I had forgotten at the time.
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