Love After Life

I set out this morning to better organize my process - yes, even though I've talked before about not setting up a rigid schedule that could lead to frustration and guilt, I feel like I've gone beyond feeling those things due to not adhering to a schedule or due to unmet expectations of myself.  If I cannot meditate at times or things don't progress as fast as I want, I get over that fast enough, but there is a process by which that occurs and I really need to try to adhere to it as much as possible. First, when I get up in the morning, it's important that I start empowering and invoking our home frequency right off the bat, no matter how I feel when I get up.  If I feel ambivalent, I need to soldier through it and do my greetings, feel appreciation, ask for help, say my prayers and do my intention-setting meditation.  I can't let feelings and emotions of unwanted frequencies set the tone for my day and guide my decisions about what to do; it's up to me to cont...

Yesterday I watched a few minutes of a movie that reminded me of that documentary about kids in Indonesia who dig snakes out of holes all day to sell for enough money for food for their families.  Talk about putting me in an attitude of gratitude and appreciation!  When I think I could have been dealing with the passing of my wife and having to do something like that all day long just to survive and no air conditioning or central heat and not have enough food and not have instant access to books and videos, etc. ... it kind of makes any self-pity or sorrow on my part seem laughably self-indulgent. So, boy, yeah, I had a big prayer of gratitude this morning. Also yesterday I was thinking I needed to find something else to read to keep using that method of tuning in to the frequency state I want. This morning in the Afterlife group, I found that Cyrus had posted a list of books to read on the subject, and others had contributed quite a few books. Someone suggested on...

I think it might be because I got into an argument on a blog and those arguments have always left me feeling emotionally drained and somewhat unstable. I really need to stay away from that - I hadn't done any of that in probably a year and I don't even know why I went back to that blog and engaged. Anyway, I got to missing Irene again today, but feeling sad and crying for a few minutes wasn't really a bad thing.  It got me to thinking about how far we've come, what we've accomplished so far in a very short period of time. It's really remarkable when you think about it. As emotionally committed as I am to her, and as constantly together as we were, and as much as she means to me, the fact that now, four months later, I'm fully happy most of the time is nothing short of astonishing.  I can't overstate this.  I should have been completely destroyed by Irene's death.  I should be inconsolable and utterly miserable all day every day.  There have been da...

Last night I once again asked my spirit team for experiences and encouragements and did some meditative intentions before going to sleep.  I actually had another dream I wrote down in my dream book I keep beside the bed. In this dream, I was at a family reunion of some sort - I wasn't this identity, and the family wasn't my real-world family, but they were the "me" in the dream's family.  What stood out was that in the dream, my wife had recently died and, even though it had been some time since, I felt a profound sense of loss and of being alone. As the dream progressed I found myself at work, which felt like a facsimile of my old print shop job, and I still had that deep sense of loss and of being alone as the boss closed the back door and was preparing to close up shop.  I was doing something similar to uploading and deleting artwork, and was trying to explain to my boss something about the dot gain (old printer's reference) when I saw myself through his ...

Woke up feeling great!! What a great, great day yesterday!!! I’m still charged up and so blown away by that video.  I definitely feel like I’m on the exact right track.  I do a 30 minute session after morning prayers, get up and go to work in my office, and for the next few hours I’m in bliss – I can feel Irene in my heart and head. I’m beyond happy, I’m goofy happy, complete and joyful, we’re cracking jokes and talking about stuff we’ve been through and are going through, we talk about yesterday. I play the “I can’t wait” song and it repeats by itself (even though my player is set to “randomize”).  I stop it after the second play and applaud her for making it repeat. We have some more fun and I play the song again, but it doesn’t repeat, an Exile song starts up. Now, Irene is a big Exile fan but I’m not. I think about stopping it but tell her “okay, but just this one, I’m not going to sit through an album’s worth of Exile songs.  Anyway the guy uses the phras...

Evening ended well yesterday, full session, was a little nervous around 6pm and after that I might have something negative going on but it never really surfaced.  Gerra got her new car deal (getting the actual car Wednesday) with a clear signal from Irene.  Woke up this morning feeling really good, had a good full session.  Day progressed well, did one more full session, only felt slightly off at one point after a family member came over and talked.  I’m thinking I’m going to need to put in a session every time after people visit just to make sure I clear out all emotions that are not my own. My sessions are not strict or formal - it depends on if I feel like doing something in particular first or just don't feel like doing something else yet.  Often I begin with just talking with Irene. We talk about the kids, grandkids and our great granddaughter, about our plans for the future; about things we went through here; I try to imagine what her life is lik...

I have crashed into a world of hurt today.  My mind latches onto every conceivable thought and feeling to generate more pain and suffering, trying to turn everything into crap – all thoughts of the past, present and future.  My mind is seeking out every conceivable avenue of accumulating pain, despair and regret, and nothing I do seems to give it any pause.  The grief is causing so much confusion in my head, making me doubt everything, wondering if Irene and I are even on the same page, wondering if I'm hurting her with my grief, wondering how she can stand me right now, wondering if she had so many better things to do than to be constantly running to my aid. I realize I can't remember the date we met.  Was it January 10th?  20th?  I can't believe I can't remember.  I plunge even further into despair. At one point I started the Long Island Medium recording (the magic flower commercial) to try and see the flower commercial again. It wouldn’t ...

I felt “normal” this morning when I woke up. I didn't like it. It was very early, I did a session without any major events. A "session" is usually me spending an hour or so talking with Irene and listening, praying, and then meditating for 30-40 minutes. It’s difficult to understand my emotions.  I feel these very powerful sensations and I’m not sure what to make of them.  Some of them are very difficult to sort out - they're new, complex, and very strong.  Today I felt what seemed to me to be a form of that primordial love sensation emanating from me to Irene, but it's something I'm going to have to experience a few times before I really understand what it is.  It's overwhelming. As the day has progressed I have figured out that I am worried about feeling “normal”, that it might lead to me feeling “normal” without Irene, which is something I realize deep down I don’t want to occur.   It actually makes me sad to even think of that.  I feel her...