Love After Life

Yesterday was a little rough - nothing real serious, just a bit of a pity-party now and then for most of the afternoon and evening.  I think I've got a combination of allergies and - something I haven't written in here yet - I started smoking again a bit a couple of weeks ago, maybe 6-8 American Spirit cigarettes a day.  I enjoy going out and sitting on the swing, smoking and talking to Irene. It feels like an easy way to connect to her.  She was a smoker.  I wasn't when we met, except for an occasional cigar.  I picked it up several years after we got married. I think that 6-8 a day was probably too much and the tobacco acted as a depressant and worked with the allergies to make me more susceptible to sad vibrations.  I really enjoy being able to sit outside on the swing in the garden area Ivori and I created in the front yard under the magnolia tree, so once I get to feeling better I might try keeping it down to 3 or 4 cigarettes a day.  Prior to t...

Felt absolutely great this morning, and that's after a full day of having family over. No  6 pm mood swing, no crash after they left, no panic from only getting in one 15 minute meditation all day.  I woke up feeling great - meaning, very happy, connected to Irene, whole.  It felt like we had established a whole new level of "normal" the past couple of days, where I'm feeling that we do actually have a tangible - in a way - interaction now, an interaction I can experience pretty much whenever I want. I meditated this morning and hit that "buzzed" sensation - now it felt like more of a range of vibrations of Irene that were very enjoyable.  When I meditated near noon I was in the buzzed vibration almost immediately and it was fantastic - I was able to visualize Irene easily and all my envisioned interactions with her carried with them a variation on that highly enjoyable connection vibration, as if there are different "tones" of that vibration.  I...

Today, so far, I've felt great - really great.  I feel so connected to Irene it's like a constant high.  Last night there was no 6:00 bad or sad mood - my great mood lasted all through until I fell asleep.  Today there won't be much time to meditate as I will be having people over almost all day, but I don't even feel concerned about it because of this sense of connection, wholeness and joy. Maybe it will last, maybe not, but I definitely want to make note of it.  Finding out that the "buzzed feeling" is contact with Irene has meant so much, I can't describe it.  It's put me so at ease, at least for now, that we've "done it" - we've made real contact.  I can just feel her with me now and I know how to make good contact with her.  I'm not sure what focusing on that contact sense will bring in the future, but for right now I'm feeling so good it's probably illegal. If I have time after the kids leave I'll write mo...