Love After Life

I have crashed into a world of hurt today.  My mind latches onto every conceivable thought and feeling to generate more pain and suffering, trying to turn everything into crap – all thoughts of the past, present and future.  My mind is seeking out every conceivable avenue of accumulating pain, despair and regret, and nothing I do seems to give it any pause.  The grief is causing so much confusion in my head, making me doubt everything, wondering if Irene and I are even on the same page, wondering if I'm hurting her with my grief, wondering how she can stand me right now, wondering if she had so many better things to do than to be constantly running to my aid. I realize I can't remember the date we met.  Was it January 10th?  20th?  I can't believe I can't remember.  I plunge even further into despair. At one point I started the Long Island Medium recording (the magic flower commercial) to try and see the flower commercial again. It wouldn’t ...

Yesterday was so bad I couldn't even write in this journal. Didn’t let the kids see it too much.  They were going through Irene's clothes to take to the goodwill and were going through her hope chest where she kept treasured memories of them.  We had all agreed to do this yesterday, but I felt like I was a junkie and people were finding all the drugs I had hidden in the house and were throwing them out as they went through Irene’s stuff and took them away or got rid of them.  I couldn’t breathe, I was panicking, I was close to running in and telling them just to leave everything alone.  I had to go outside into the back yard patio and sit by myself trying to breathe through tears pouring from my eyes.  My heart was beating me up like a sledgehammer crushing me into countless pieces.  Dear God that was so, so painful, but I knew it had to be done.  After they left I crashed into prayer after sobbing prayer that did nothing to stop the crushing, ove...

I'm up at stupid o’clock in the morning sick with grief.  Have come to think of this condition as being one of physiological withdrawal, like going cold-turkey off the world’s most powerful drug. It doesn’t matter that you know it’s temporary; it doesn’t matter that you know it’s withdrawal; you still get sick, shake, vomit, and will do anything to make it stop.  You scream and shout and beg god for relief, cry and feel like the whole world is coming to an end, feel like you can’t breathe and you’re dying, everything looks bleak and hopeless.   There’s a big gaping wound deep in you until the physiological “addiction” hopefully wears off over time.  You cannot talk or rationalize yourself out of it, so IMO just accept the it is going to happen and go through it.  That's all you can do. If you have to curl up and sob or kneel by the side of your bed and pray for an hour, just do it.  Just freaking do it.  Scream, shout, whimper, groan, the he...

I crashed hard yesterday evening after Ivori left. She came out to finish off the 2nd level of the pyramid.  I sobbed and sank and felt overwhelming grief, loss and pain.  I ended up praying aloud to god for strength, comfort, relief and love to get through. I ended up so drained and exhausted I barely made it into bed before I fell asleep around 8:30. I think I fell asleep praying. Woke up feeling better, but I sat down in a chair with a chair beside me and talked to Irene aloud and began praying aloud. I sounded like an old school Baptist preacher I think.  I'm grateful I'm alone here and this house is big with solid walls so no one can hear the crazy old man inside. The Sears guys came by and gave me an estimate on roofing and siding.  During the presentation I saw this super-healthy looking female cardinal, just a hyper-prime example of female cardinal, fly down and start eating at our bird feeders just outside the window.  I’ve never seen a female c...