Tuesday, May 9, 2017 Another Crash
I crashed hard yesterday evening after Ivori
left. She came out to finish off the 2nd level of the pyramid. I sobbed and sank and felt overwhelming
grief, loss and pain. I ended up praying
aloud to god for strength, comfort, relief and love to get through. I ended up
so drained and exhausted I barely made it into bed before I fell asleep around
8:30. I think I fell asleep praying.
Woke up feeling better, but I sat down in a chair with a
chair beside me and talked to Irene aloud and began praying aloud. I sounded
like an old school Baptist preacher I think. I'm grateful I'm alone here and this house is big with solid walls so no one can hear the crazy old man inside.
By the end of it I felt so much better. I realized that psychologically and emotionally, physiologically I’m reacting as if Irene is gone. Like being addicted to a powerful, wonderful drug for 27 years and then going cold turkey. While intellectually and spiritually I know Irene and I are still together, that she is good and I am good, that we planned this before we even came here and this is the best way to do things, that we are soul mates and our love is eternal, my body and psychology are reacting irrationally and according to their own processes which at times I simply cannot override.
The forceful, loud praying while talking with Irene seems to be a good method of dealing with this problem for now.
Or so it seemed. Now there's no control over it. I don't even want to write down how much pain I'm in because it's just going to hurt everyone who reads this. What I don't get is that I'm feeling this even though I have hope, even though I had two weeks of feeling very positive and joyful, even though I have a firm belief in the afterlife and that she is always right here with me. I'm feeling this misery as if I didn't have any of that - as if this is all hopeless and as if none of that is true. It's like none of that means anything when the beast of physical and psychological withdrawal comes for you. There's no escape - no prayer stops it today, no yelling, no breathing exercises. It's relentless. I keep feeling like I'm gagging. I fall asleep propped up in bed because my panic is so bad I feel like I can't catch my breath.
The Sears guys came by and gave
me an estimate on roofing and siding. During
the presentation I saw this super-healthy looking female cardinal, just a
hyper-prime example of female cardinal, fly down and start eating at our bird
feeders just outside the window. I’ve
never seen a female cardinal that big or robust – it just seemed to exude
health and power. I felt it was Irene
showing me what her condition was now and showing up for the presentation. Irene always, always wanted us to get a new
roof. We were supposed to start looking
into it this year, and it was something I wanted to make sure and get done for
her and for the house if I could.
Robert showed up near the end of their presentation. Robert stayed and we talked about pots and
then started talking about Irene and our feelings and the troubles we have
dealing with her absence.
Praying to god while talking with and being with Irene seems
to be working. My prayers go something like this:
“Dear God, grant us the
peace, the strength, the comfort and the grace we need to stay strong and keep
our hearts and minds free from pain, suffering, grief, doubt and fear. I know Irene is here with me. I know she is now completely healthy, happy
and free from the pain, suffering and fear she had while her body as failing
her. Please give me the grace, knowledge
and understanding necessary to see her, hear her, feel her, and know without doubt
or fear that she is right here comforting us and looking out for us. Dear God, let us go forward continuing our
loving relationship with joy and peace in our hearts knowing that we always be
together even through obstacles and challenges, because
we are soul-mates and our bond of love is the very thing this universe was
created for.”
By the end of it I felt so much better. I realized that psychologically and emotionally, physiologically I’m reacting as if Irene is gone. Like being addicted to a powerful, wonderful drug for 27 years and then going cold turkey. While intellectually and spiritually I know Irene and I are still together, that she is good and I am good, that we planned this before we even came here and this is the best way to do things, that we are soul mates and our love is eternal, my body and psychology are reacting irrationally and according to their own processes which at times I simply cannot override.
The forceful, loud praying while talking with Irene seems to be a good method of dealing with this problem for now.
Or so it seemed. Now there's no control over it. I don't even want to write down how much pain I'm in because it's just going to hurt everyone who reads this. What I don't get is that I'm feeling this even though I have hope, even though I had two weeks of feeling very positive and joyful, even though I have a firm belief in the afterlife and that she is always right here with me. I'm feeling this misery as if I didn't have any of that - as if this is all hopeless and as if none of that is true. It's like none of that means anything when the beast of physical and psychological withdrawal comes for you. There's no escape - no prayer stops it today, no yelling, no breathing exercises. It's relentless. I keep feeling like I'm gagging. I fall asleep propped up in bed because my panic is so bad I feel like I can't catch my breath.
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