Sunday, May 21, 2017 Some Days You're Just Sick Of Yourself

Yesterday was so bad I couldn't even write in this journal.

Didn’t let the kids see it too much.  They were going through Irene's clothes to take to the goodwill and were going through her hope chest where she kept treasured memories of them.  We had all agreed to do this yesterday, but I felt like I was a junkie and people were finding all the drugs I had hidden in the house and were throwing them out as they went through Irene’s stuff and took them away or got rid of them.  I couldn’t breathe, I was panicking, I was close to running in and telling them just to leave everything alone.  I had to go outside into the back yard patio and sit by myself trying to breathe through tears pouring from my eyes.  My heart was beating me up like a sledgehammer crushing me into countless pieces.  Dear God that was so, so painful, but I knew it had to be done.  After they left I crashed into prayer after sobbing prayer that did nothing to stop the crushing, overwhelming grief.  At 8 pm I was so exhausted I lay down in my clothes and fell immediately to sleep, utterly exhausted.

Woke up early again, felt good for a while, meditated & envisioned Irene, crashed a couple of times, refocused later and spent some more good time envisioning her, felt better, still feeling exhausted.  Yesterday really traumatized me and I felt I was letting Irene down and hurting her feelings by being in such a sad state.  I need to be strong.  I want to be strong for her and the kids, but this grief crap just punches me in the gut and down I go.

This evening I was so tired of feeling sad and weak, I just started shouting that I had enough of this, that I want my strength back, my joy, that I’m tired of being weak, that Irene deserves better. We’re badasses, for God’s sake!  We took everything life had to throw at us and still survived and thrived!  The heck with this whiney, crying BS. I’m sick of it.  We deserve to be happy together and to be confident and strong going forward.