Love After Life

Woke up feeling “normal”.  Talked to Irene like normal. Did normal things. Experienced a very sweet, warm sensation of love from her.  I remind myself that “normal” is okay, it’s good, it’s how we spent most of our time together – in a state of “normal” – feeling comforted by each other’s presence, being able to do daily things like work and household chores, then when we needed or wanted spike up into a more intense exchange of that love/intimacy in various ways.  This morning I feel very confident, very much in love with her, very strong that she is always here with me.  It’s really amazing and wonderful.  I understand I have to set my rational, analytical mind aside and just exist in faith, love, and the knowing I have that she is actually in me, a part of me. I have to make a note – I just went into the kitchen and was making more coffee when Irene gave me such a warm, loving, euphoric sense of union with her that it was unbelievable.  She’s telli...

This morning I fully understand why Irene wanted me to move my office to the front room ASAP.  She didn’t want to spend her time in that tiny, dark, dirty room that used to be my office, and didn’t want me to either.  It's far too depressing now.  She wanted me up front with her so she could enjoy the sun, the view from the big bay windows into the front yard and street out front, and the great clean and cool atmosphere. I feel very close to her now when I work and I can see outside and get up and do stuff to our garden area when I want to walk around some.   I feel so much better today.  I’m going to be able to look at her pictures and I’m going to keep her papasan chair where I can look over and see her and talk to her while I work.  Plus it’s so much easier for her to look over my shoulder while I write! There's plenty of space behind me and my chair. I found some more old pictures and there’s a picture of Emanuel when he was maybe 2 years old...

(5' tall picture board I designed and had printed on plastic for the occasion) Today is the day we have Irene's public Celebration of Life at the elementary school cafeteria (which the school rents out for private and public events). When I woke up I had dreamed of Irene and I had a song going through my head. While showering I realized it was the song I had forgotten on the way home from Freya's that was now one of our new songs – Reminiscing, by Little River Band.  Got it downloaded, played it a little but it was too emotional so I changed it to a metal rock song while I did some things around the house.  I have my media player set to random play and I have around 200 songs, and (now) 5 of those songs are our “Our” songs.  So the next song after the rock song was one of our songs; and then it played another.  I laughed at the end and said “Okay Irene, play “You’re Still The One” (by Shania Twain) and I’ll know it’s you.”  Boom, next song was “You’re...

I found a new “our song”.  It came on the radio as I was coming back from dropping Freya (another daughter - we have 7 children in all, including Jamie ) off yesterday – “My Best Friend”, by Queen.  Somehow it makes me very, very happy to play that loud and dance through the house talking with my soul mate like some crazy old man dancing and talking to himself.  You'd think it would break my heart, but I still feel I am being protected from any serious pain or grief at this time, and only continue to feel my great love for Irene and my happiness that she is no longer in pain and is still with me and will always be with me. I find myself torn about getting rid her immense collections of stuff, but we just can’t keep passing a ton of stuff around.  Someone’s gotta let this stuff go, and I feel like it has to be me to do it.  Of course we will keep all the good and meaningful stuff, but nobody needs to hold on to 1000 seahorse, cardinal, buffalo and whatnot tri...