Tuesday, May 2, 2017 Days of Agony

I've felt so  miserable the past few days.  I'm so sick of being in pain.  It's like having a bad stomach virus where every few minutes you throw up uncontrollably, even after everything you have in you is long gone - only, you're not throwing up, you're sobbing so loud and pitifully the main thing you're grateful for is that nobody is around to hear this disgusting racket. I am so sick of myself.  I feel like I can't breathe - I've had to sleep practically sitting up even after taking an antihistamine.  I'm in a complete panic.  I don't even remember if anyone came over or called the past few days.  I sit and do work at the computer with tears rolling down my face whimpering like a beat dog. 

Decided this morning not to put up with this sense of loss, pain, self-pity.  Fat lot of good it did me.  This grief doesn't care about anything I do or think.  It’s irrational and in charge – I know Irene is fine, that she’s with me, that she will always be with me, that we are eternal, but it doesn't stop the crashing waves of an ocean of emptiness and despair from crushing me against the rocks, drowning my broken, pathetic self in fear, doubt, sorrow and regret.   Knowing none of it is real doesn't mean anything, I still feel it all.  I feel like a total failure, like everything that matters is gone and somehow I blew it all and will never get it back or see anything like it again.

I can't believe she died.  She was the center.  How is the universe going on without her in it?  This is so bizarre. This must be what drug addicts going through withdrawal feel like.  It feels like I'm going through some kind of withdrawal that is beating me up both physically and mentally.  I get so exhausted from this at times I just fall asleep.

I choose to go forward with our new relationship in joy, strength, and calm.  The pain doesn't care.  The grief takes all my best thoughts and efforts and laughs, filling my head with thoughts and feelings and sensations that are so bad and so dark and so foreign it's like I'm schizophrenic.  There's no escape from it.  It devours every good thought I try to think.  Shouting out tearful prayer as if I could drown out the pain or push it back by sheer will, begging God for relief, lessens it for a few minutes and then it comes roaring back.  I feel like I'm going to throw up. Why can't I just die? It feels like something is slowly ripping my heart and brain apart at the same time.

I read back over my journal entries. Was I really that happy a few days ago?  This pain tries to tell me that it was all a lie, that I was in denial or shock and this is the true reality.  I know that can't be true. I felt great just a few days ago.  Surely I can get back to that at some point.

She and I have been through some very painful stuff and have made it to the other side by relying on our faith and trust in each other and in God. That's all I've got to cling to - at this point, all of that is nothing but words.  Words that somewhere, in some place outside of the hell I'm in now, actually mean something. God I wish I could die of a heart attack right now.  I'm ashamed of myself - I feel like I'm letting her down, like I'm causing her pain because she sees what I'm going through.  What a weak, pathetic loser.  Good grief, Irene went through far, far worse with so much grace and beauty.  She's so amazing. She deserves better than a miserable crying wretch like this thing I've become.

I'm trying (for the hundredth time) to talk myself out of it.  I mean, what’s the worst of it? I cannot see her most of the time, cannot hear her like I used to?  That used to be the case when she would go to Palestine or when she visited Colorado.  She and I are now in two slightly different places that makes direct contact very difficult. So? She doesn’t have cancer. She’s feeling great. Our strength together is even better now with her on the other side, completely healthy and energized.  She’s already shown how much she can do from over there. I’m not going to be a weak link – I’m going to be a source of power and love for her to rely on.  I’m going to develop habits of thought, memes, and physical habits and create reminders for me to be able to stay on a positive, energetic path.  I'm going to try to figure out how to get past all this and work towards our goal.

Later.  I think I've exhausted my supply of pain for the time being.  I started doing some meditation on the bed and its helping with my conceptualization of Irene & myself in our current situation. It calms me down and gives a sensation of being grounded with her. I’ve been through irrational issues like this in the past – sometimes you just have to hold on until they pass, find mental techniques to get you by.  Just get through one day at a time until enough time passes. I used to meditate all the time when I was younger.  I need to start doing it again. Prayer, meditation, love and faith.