Love After Life

Well okay, after pain and sorrow kicked my ass all last evening and today, I’ve come to the tentative realization that I’m just going to have to endure it at times. It's just physical withdrawal.  I’ll have some good times, some bad times, and just as the bad times have lessened their degree over the past couple of months, they’ll hopefully continue to lessen, and over time I’ll be able to have more and more normal and good times and increase my connection to Irene and be able to think of her and remember her with less pain and sorrow attached. The thing is, though, now I know I will survive the bad times and I know they will in fact go away and I will in fact experience joy and happiness again. Felt pretty good for a while this evening, had a good session, started realizing how blessed I am and how much I have to be grateful for.  I know my soulmate and spent 27 years with her in an amazing, loving relationship; I know where she is; I know she still exists and is always ...

OMG I just had the most amazing experience!!!  I woke up feeling very good, did my morning prayer/talk with Irene/meditation and  during the meditation all of a sudden I was in this sunny, beautiful field with Irene and she was so beautiful, smiling so big, arms spread wide, I was just overwhelmed with that primordial sense of connection, love and happiness – tears were streaming down, just thinking of it now fills me with wholeness and happiness. It was only a few seconds but it was so clear and powerful.  I continued my meditation for a few minutes and then I felt Irene radiate from inside me with love and connection and happiness and joy so powerful I thought I would explode. I’ve never felt anything like it in my life. It was like an explosion of intimacy, wholeness and joy.  So amazing there are no words!!! 2 nd pray/talk/meditate session today, real good session, nothing spectacular at the time but I felt I got some good work done in raising my vibrationa...

Woke up feeling “normal”.  Talked to Irene like normal. Did normal things. Experienced a very sweet, warm sensation of love from her.  I remind myself that “normal” is okay, it’s good, it’s how we spent most of our time together – in a state of “normal” – feeling comforted by each other’s presence, being able to do daily things like work and household chores, then when we needed or wanted spike up into a more intense exchange of that love/intimacy in various ways.  This morning I feel very confident, very much in love with her, very strong that she is always here with me.  It’s really amazing and wonderful.  I understand I have to set my rational, analytical mind aside and just exist in faith, love, and the knowing I have that she is actually in me, a part of me. I have to make a note – I just went into the kitchen and was making more coffee when Irene gave me such a warm, loving, euphoric sense of union with her that it was unbelievable.  She’s telli...

I went to movies with Robert & Shanna last night and had a great time, feeling Irene with us. Feeling great when I went home and fell right to sleep.   The movie seats were reserved and they were my first three lucky numbers which I've had ever since we met.  The message of the movie was to connect to your source from the heart, not the head. I’ve been thinking recently about not trying to figure things out, figure out paths forward – just go from the heart and keep my intellect from getting in the way, which has always been our way in life and one of my biggest issues.  Irene would often tell me when we first met that she could see the gears turning in my head through my eyes and that always made her feel uneasy that I was going to let my thoughts interfere with what our hearts knew was true.  That's something it took me a long time to do - get out of my head and ignore when my intellect would try to stop us from pursuing what our hearts knew was ...

I woke up feeling great, spent time praying and “prayer manifesting”, spent quiet time listening and feeling and looking for Irene to manifest, felt some sensations and told her about them – whether or not they are her, I would think she needs feedback from me and also the feedback is part of the manifestation aspect of the project. I can't just assume  she knows everything I'm experiencing. I took dogs in to  have them groomed – like the trip to the animal clinic earlier, it was a wasted trip. Can’t get groomed without shot records.  That’s two trips to town that were largely unnecessary past couple of days. I don't like going to to town unless I have to - driving takes too much out of me, leaving me weak and open to negative/sad influences. Spent more time praying. Felt some sorrow – it felt just like I was about to sneeze, so I sat down started praying and let the tears roll and sobs come out. Felt good afterward, still feel like there’s some down in ther...

At some point over the past few days I must have decided to get Ivori to do some gardening.  She’s really been excited about remaking Irene’s pyramid-shaped flower garden in the front yard.  I started outlining a new spot and today farther out in front and she went to buy some flower and gardening stuff for it before she came out.  Irene loves gardening and just didn't have the energy or strength to do it the past few years.  I have this idea forming as to what I want to do in the yard and in the house, kind of move it towards our vision of what we wanted it to be.  It occurs to me to try and get a new roof put on the house - something Irene always wanted to see happen.  It's a miracle we haven't had a problem with the current roof.  It's pretty bad. Ivori was really excited when she found all the gardening stuff on sale and on clearance and texted me pictures. I told her that was another special thing about Irene – every time I went to the store to...

I've felt so  miserable the past few days.  I'm so sick of being in pain.  It's like having a bad stomach virus where every few minutes you throw up uncontrollably, even after everything you have in you is long gone - only, you're not throwing up, you're sobbing so loud and pitifully the main thing you're grateful for is that nobody is around to hear this disgusting racket. I am so sick of myself.  I feel like I can't breathe - I've had to sleep practically sitting up even after taking an antihistamine.  I'm in a complete panic.  I don't even remember if anyone came over or called the past few days.  I sit and do work at the computer with tears rolling down my face whimpering like a beat dog.  Decided this morning not to put up with this sense of loss, pain, self-pity.  Fat lot of good it did me.  This grief doesn't care about anything I do or think.  It’s irrational and in charge – I know Irene is fine, that she’s with me, tha...

(5' tall picture board I designed and had printed on plastic for the occasion) Today is the day we have Irene's public Celebration of Life at the elementary school cafeteria (which the school rents out for private and public events). When I woke up I had dreamed of Irene and I had a song going through my head. While showering I realized it was the song I had forgotten on the way home from Freya's that was now one of our new songs – Reminiscing, by Little River Band.  Got it downloaded, played it a little but it was too emotional so I changed it to a metal rock song while I did some things around the house.  I have my media player set to random play and I have around 200 songs, and (now) 5 of those songs are our “Our” songs.  So the next song after the rock song was one of our songs; and then it played another.  I laughed at the end and said “Okay Irene, play “You’re Still The One” (by Shania Twain) and I’ll know it’s you.”  Boom, next song was “You’re...

Jessie, Robert's daughter (our granddaughter) came by to look through Irene’s things and she was looking for a particular little bottle that Irene used to tell her, when she was little, that a genie would come out of if she opened it. She looked through the bottles but couldn’t find it. Finally she just said that she really wanted that little bottle and was then led right to it in the nick-knacks where she didn’t think it was.  She also found the Batgirl mask that had been missing - we had looked all through that stuff when we were searching for it! I playfully talked to Irene about her hide-and-seek game with the mask, validating her.  I realize I may mistake a coincidence for a deliberate event, but she knows I'm doing the best I can.  I'd rather validate mistakenly than not say anything at all, if for nothing else to let her know I appreciate all she's doing. Today I have felt so good about things.  I’m much, much more comfortable with our (Irene and my) ...