Love After Life

Earlier this week I had a very sweet, intimate dream of Irene. Later in the day she confirmed, with a couple of signs, that it was actually us and that we are succeeding creating our dream space get-togethers.  Since it's become too hot to sit out on the porch to spend time smoking with Irene, I've started using the living area connected to my office.  It's got a 42" flat screen in it that never gets used unless the grandchildren come over and want to play games or watch TV.  I found a YouTube video that is 8 hours of a hi-def view of a tropical beach with crystal blue waters.  The waves and birds create a fantastic sound we can listen to and watch while we smoke, and it's easy to imagine us curled up in our big lounge on the beach, going for a swim or taking a walk and feeling the sand beneath our feet. The first time I did this, and every time afterward, my heart just starts to rush with a very strong emotional connection to Irene.  It's really interestin...

My second meditation yesterday was focused on simply allowing, accepting and receiving whatever information - or no information - came my way during that time.  I try to keep my mind relatively clear and not intend or deliberately imagine.  At one point an HE (hypnagogic experience) played out where Irene and I were laying on what was like a clear ground of glass and looking down at me as I did something in an office somewhere - it looked like I was in a police station of some sort looking for someone who worked there. As the day went on I felt very confident and realized that I had made the decision to become even more fully committed to our adventure - the adventure of me trying to have a more complete experience with her.  Not because I needed it due to sorrow or grief, but rather because I have discovered it is my "calling" - I find joy, excitement and enthusiasm in this pursuit. It makes me both want to get out of bed in the morning and go to bed at night. While ...

The past two days have brought it to my attention that even when I don't feel like it - actually, especially when I don't feel like it - I need to meditate and pray.  I know this sounds like I'm reversing my views from yesterday (probably not the first time I've done that on this blog), but it's more like a refinement. When I try to work out solutions to my feeling "off", the solution is really always the same thing: regaining the frequency I desire.  I exist as a happy, fulfilled and motivated person in what I call our "home frequency", where Irene and I have our best and easiest interactions.  So, when I wake up and feel ambivalent, especially after a day of being bombarded with the frequencies of other people, the best course of action is to pray and meditate to start bringing myself back to home frequency. Tuning into that frequency is my job; that's what I'm supposed to be doing.  That's actually what individual existence...

Last night I started getting sad so I went outside and sat on the swing and talked to Irene.  At first I thought that I was missing her - natural enough, nothing to be overly concerned about.  This was sticking longer so I started examining the sensation and realized I wasn't missing the Irene that had passed away, or even the Irene that I had been with for 27 years.  I wasn't even missing Irene , per se. I was actually longing for us , but not any version of us that ever existed in this world.  Oh, believe me, we had our moments - many of them.  Some of our "moments" lasted a long time and many were very, very special - well worth remembering and even revisiting/reliving if we get the chance. Long conversations, long drives, humor, intimacy, passion. The thing is, though, that even though we are soul mates, there wasn't a time that we were together in this world that we were not heavily laden with issues, responsibilities and burdens, internal and external....