The "Us" I Long For
Last night I started getting sad so I went outside and sat on the swing and talked to Irene. At first I thought that I was missing her - natural enough, nothing to be overly concerned about. This was sticking longer so I started examining the sensation and realized I wasn't missing the Irene that had passed away, or even the Irene that I had been with for 27 years. I wasn't even missing Irene, per se.
I was actually longing for us, but not any version of us that ever existed in this world. Oh, believe me, we had our moments - many of them. Some of our "moments" lasted a long time and many were very, very special - well worth remembering and even revisiting/reliving if we get the chance. Long conversations, long drives, humor, intimacy, passion.
The thing is, though, that even though we are soul mates, there wasn't a time that we were together in this world that we were not heavily laden with issues, responsibilities and burdens, internal and external. Psychological, physical, financial, family, social, relationship, medical, etc. From the very first day we met we had a full tank of things working against us full time and with enthusiasm.
It's utterly unbelievable to me, looking back, that we lasted more than a few weeks - a testimony to the power of the soul-mate bond between us. I have no idea how we ever could have survived what all we had to get through that first dozen years or so. The onslaught of challenges and issues was relentless; as broke and as poor as we were, it seemed we had someone new - relative, child or friend - who had to stay with us every few months, putting a new strain on our relationship.
At times it seemed the entire universe was orchestrated against us, only to relent just before the breaking point to grant us a miracle. Not enough of a miracle to change everything, just enough to get by so that we could still make it if we worked hard enough at it. I've seen so many miracles in our time together I lost count, coming at the last second to keep us moving forward together.
By the time we reached a more comfortable situation we were still taking care of family and the two of us were just exhausted most of the time. Then we were taking care of my mother and, after she passed in her sleep in her apartment in our home, Irene was already sick.
What I realized I was sadly longing for was not any worldly version of "us", but rather the heavenly "us", the young and vital us without all the issues and problems hammering at us from every angle every second of every day. The us without money issues, without family issues, without our own psychological issues coming between us at every turn. The us that knows who each other is and won't have to spend a dozen years just figuring that out. The us that knows the depth of our love and appreciation for each other and still has the energy, vitality and clarity of mind to enjoy it and life. The us that never had the time, financial capacity, freedom or physical energy to do so, so many things.
It is both comforting and exciting to know that the "us" I long for already exists, even if it's going to be a while before I rejoin it.
I was actually longing for us, but not any version of us that ever existed in this world. Oh, believe me, we had our moments - many of them. Some of our "moments" lasted a long time and many were very, very special - well worth remembering and even revisiting/reliving if we get the chance. Long conversations, long drives, humor, intimacy, passion.
The thing is, though, that even though we are soul mates, there wasn't a time that we were together in this world that we were not heavily laden with issues, responsibilities and burdens, internal and external. Psychological, physical, financial, family, social, relationship, medical, etc. From the very first day we met we had a full tank of things working against us full time and with enthusiasm.
It's utterly unbelievable to me, looking back, that we lasted more than a few weeks - a testimony to the power of the soul-mate bond between us. I have no idea how we ever could have survived what all we had to get through that first dozen years or so. The onslaught of challenges and issues was relentless; as broke and as poor as we were, it seemed we had someone new - relative, child or friend - who had to stay with us every few months, putting a new strain on our relationship.
At times it seemed the entire universe was orchestrated against us, only to relent just before the breaking point to grant us a miracle. Not enough of a miracle to change everything, just enough to get by so that we could still make it if we worked hard enough at it. I've seen so many miracles in our time together I lost count, coming at the last second to keep us moving forward together.
By the time we reached a more comfortable situation we were still taking care of family and the two of us were just exhausted most of the time. Then we were taking care of my mother and, after she passed in her sleep in her apartment in our home, Irene was already sick.
What I realized I was sadly longing for was not any worldly version of "us", but rather the heavenly "us", the young and vital us without all the issues and problems hammering at us from every angle every second of every day. The us without money issues, without family issues, without our own psychological issues coming between us at every turn. The us that knows who each other is and won't have to spend a dozen years just figuring that out. The us that knows the depth of our love and appreciation for each other and still has the energy, vitality and clarity of mind to enjoy it and life. The us that never had the time, financial capacity, freedom or physical energy to do so, so many things.
It is both comforting and exciting to know that the "us" I long for already exists, even if it's going to be a while before I rejoin it.
That is incredible ! Do you think those Life challenges were put into place, orchestrated somehow, to show you and Irene, that you two could accomplish anything together ?
ReplyDeleteI think we set that up deliberately before we came in here in order to accomplish whatever it is we wanted to accomplish. I think you develop a deeper appreciation for someone when you see them persevere and even rise to the occasion in very difficult situations. I think you can also better understand the love someone has for you when they stick by you no matter what - and that takes some hard situations, even heartbreaking situations, to develop - something I don't think you can experience in the afterlife dimensions. I think that's most of the reason Irene and I came here and what we were trying to get out of it - and, if I do say so myself, we definitely accomplished that part of our goals.
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