Thursday, April 27, 2017 When The Pain Begins

I woke up 2AM with my tooth killing me.  It finally subsided and I went back to sleep but didn't rest well. I felt a little sad this morning for about a minute, but I think that has more to do with lack of sleep than anything else.  I couldn’t get a dentist appointment until Tuesday. They sent a prescription in for antibiotics, but I still had pain meds they had prescribed me before.

Later in the evening both my tooth and my emotions erupted in major pain – tried every over-the-counter pain killer and combination including oral jel and the prescription pills and I couldn’t get it to stop.  I'm starting to feel grief - real emotional pain. It's not just pain, it's flat out panic and despair.  I've become someone else than I have been for the past couple of weeks.  I'm sobbing uncontrollably, kneeling beside my bed and praying desperately between convulsions of physical and emotional pain.  I wished that Irene had written me more a card or note or letter that I could read and re-read. I told her it wasn’t fair that she had so many in writing from me and I didn’t have any from her. I'm hoping I die of a broken heart or some kind of tooth infection tonight so this will end and I can be with her.  

Looking through the medicine cabinet later I found Irene’s morphine pills, took  a couple and they pretty much knocked me out.  As as they took effect and both pains subsided, I fell asleep with tears in my eyes, and it was so bizarre that I thought it was too bad I was falling asleep because I noticed the NFL draft was on and I wanted to stay up and see who the Cowboys drafted in the first round. So stupid and silly the kinds of thoughts that float around in your head.