Love After Life

About a year before Irene crossed over she got the last piece of her puzzle from the dream she had of us; the black truck.  She joked then that she must be about to die because "Now I have everything." I generally drive around a couple a times a week in that truck doing local errands like going to the store or the post office basically to keep it in running condition, but mostly to feel help me feel connected to Irene.  We were probably out and around driving together in that truck only two or three times, but seeing that truck parked beside my driveway is a comfort. My daughter Ivori and my grandson Emanuel were over yesterday, and Emanuel asked about the truck.  I knew what he was getting at - he just got his driver's license.  I know he and Irene had talked about the truck; she and I had talked about it and that if things went that way, he should get to drive it if he still wanted it. However, shortly after she died someone brought it up and I said that I was ...

There was a healthy debate in the Afterlife Topics group about the nature of relationships and existence when someone said something I've heard time and time again - that relationships don't last forever and there there is no such thing as an "eternal", committed, romantic soul mate relationship. I started wondering about why someone would say that or believe it.  I don't see that there's a logical reason why such relationships cannot exist.  It seems that many people are committed to the idea that all relationships either boil down to the individual and god, the individual and the universe, the individual's relationship to everyone else as a whole, or just everyone and everything as "one", either in constant eternal fluctuation or, at some level, some form of unified, pure bliss where there is no sense of individual identity. I remember before I met Irene I had utterly dispatched the idea of "true love", or any "soul mate...

No confirmation so far on the stuff I was talking about the other day, but I guess I didn't need it. Or maybe I was just supposed  to make my own decision on it.  I guess I had really already made my decision about it and just wanted support in making it. Anyway, the guy in the video from the other day was talking about how he opened up his ability to speak to the dead.  He was a highly skeptical person and didn't believe that talking to the dead or even spirit guides was possible, so he just pretended to be talking to them in his mind.  If you've ever had a pretend conversation with someone in your mind, you know what I'm talking about.  I would often have long conversations in my head with living people, but it was really just me basically trying to sort something out in my own mind.  Come to think about it, they really weren't "conversations" as much as me, in my head, trying to explain to someone (usually my brother Reed) what I was thinking, and by ...

Today was a decent day.  Got to badly missing Irene a couple of times, but I'm sure that will continue as long as it takes to see her again.  I don't mind it, I embrace it.  Nothing wrong with missing the woman you love.  I tell her not to worry, that it's just the way it would be regardless of the situation if I didn't get to see her or hear her voice for months.  Most of the time, though, I talk to her and the others just as normally as I would talk to anyone here, only there's no responses you can hear. It would probably seem pretty crazy to most people, but actually I think it's what has made the situation as good and livable as it is.  I would really like to have some more experiences, though. I guess I'm the impatient one now.  Throughout our time together here she was always the impatient one, wondering why what we intended and affirmed didn't happen sooner or faster.  Now I feel her advising me that we will be back together soon enough...

I read the past few entries and here's something weird I noticed.  One day I have the best meditations I've had in a long, long time; two days later I'm writing that "for the past several days, I've been having trouble meditating". Okay, so that was literally not true, but yet that is actually what I remembered at the time. Remembering when I was experiencing grief, even then I noticed that when I was experiencing it, at the time it seemed utterly real to me that I had always felt that way and always would.  I would, at the time, be thinking it had been forever since I felt good, that I had been feeling miserable for days. I'd go back to the journal and discover to my shock that the day before I had felt great.  The grief also made me believe that even if I had wrote down that I had felt great, that I must have been lying to myself. This is so odd. I wonder if people who keep journals notice this kind of thing - a disparity between what they are thinking...

Well this hasn't been the greatest of days, but if this is my new "bad day", then I'll take it as huge progress. For the past few days it's been very difficult to get meditation in.  Here and there a really good one, but overall I've noticed it becoming more difficult, not easier.  They've been deeper when I am able to get into it, but it's been a challenge.  Today it's late and I haven't had a single good meditation today. Plus, I've felt totally out of sorts, moody and whiney.  My brain felt like it was someone else's all day long.  Maybe because of the weather lately? Who knows. Woke up with something irritating my good eye and that lasted all morning.  When you only have one functioning eye that kind of thing can be quite unsettling. Now my vision has been blurry all day. Just great. I threw some stuff out for trash day tomorrow and did a lot of crying over it, but it wasn't really all that bad - I think I just wanted to c...

Another good day.  I had to run into town to do some errands and had a nice talk with Irene about our lives on the other side. I'm thinking more in terms of what I imagine life would be like considering some of the circumstances I believe to be true about the astral worlds. I was also thinking (and talking with my spirit team) about the idea of "spiritual advancement" and how that idea doesn't resonate with me in the least. When I was younger and felt discontent most of the time, I looked to spiritual "enlightenment" or advancement as a means of quenching that discontent.  As I've mentioned, I used to meditate quite a bit and was doing so when Irene and I met.  I was also a vegetarian, complete non-drinker and non-smoker and used no recreational drugs whatsoever. However, it was actually being with Irene that gave me what I had always been looking for - complete satisfaction and fulfillment.  We talked about this often, how utterly satisfied and comp...

I went to sleep last night thinking about sleep and how it is the perfect vehicle for astral traveling and projection. You are already going into a deep, relaxed state prone to altered forms of consciousness; you are in a perfectly relaxed position where your body is safe for hours to come; and I've read where you actually do astral travel almost every night to speak with your spirit guides - but you don't remember it.  Also, in my case, I've already had a couple of fully conscious vision events after falling asleep. This morning I woke up feeling great, happy, and like I was perfectly balanced.  I could feel the emotion and appreciation in me again.  It's perfectly normal to miss Irene; I don't want that feeling to disappear.  I like the feeling of anticipation and excited longing to see her, hear her and hold her, and my appreciation for when we are together, just like any time we were apart in life.  My angst and rebellion is gone about why I'm still here...

Today has been pretty strange.  I think I must have picked something from somewhere - either a cold or someone's weird emotional condition.  My voice was deep like when I get sick, and there were times when I felt like I was getting some nasal stoppage, but so far that hasn't materialized. One thing after another kept interrupting everything I tried to do so at some point I just decided I wasn't going to fight against it - just take a day of and not try to analyze anything.  I think some days are just "take the day off" days, and this is one of them. Took a nap and going to bed early. Hopefully I'll feel better tomorrow. Even though today wasn't all that bad, it was just a strange day to get through and I'm just too tired to parse any of it.  It feels like maybe yesterday and to day were just days to let things percolate under the surface, let the universe do its thing, and don't worry about it.

8:25 a.m. I just posted in the FB grief support group a message reflecting what I've been doing the past couple of days.  Part of that post was about my envisioning session last night where I envisioned myself visiting Irene. I wrote in the group that Irene had shown me our house over there and that nothing was ever lost or destroyed, that we could recreate anything from our life here to our home there. I wrote that she showed me some of what she had added to our home there from our life here.  I also wrote that she told me that we could pursue any of our heartfelt desires there - creative arts & crafts, learning, adventures, etc. When I was done writing the post I felt very good about it, but before I posted it I went to use the bathroom and asked Irene if she thought it was a good post and if she was okay with it.  I walked into the kitchen and saw a couple of things lying on the floor in front of the refrigerator; one was a colored piece of paper cut out in the ...

Irene, There are times when I get pretty sad. Now is one of those times - I'm sure you know.  I think what makes me the most sad is that I miss "us" - the two of us together, who we are together, who we are to other people when we are together.  I know we are still together, but I miss others interacting with you.  You always have a way of making pleasant conversation, making smart-aleck comments, laughing and saying what other people try to stop themselves from saying.  I miss holding your hand and sitting beside you.  I miss doing things for you, like opening the door of the car or getting you a drink or buying you something silly or fun when we go to a store.  I miss our little glances and and knowing grins.  I miss your voice so much. I'm doing all I can, baby, to find my way to you, to bring us closer.  Every day, it's my mission in life to be able to see you, feel you, and hear you.  For the most part, I'm good and getting better, b...

Good Morning! The blog is all caught up now.  From now on no back-dating - it's all in real time, so there may be several posts a day as I get time to write.  This will serve as my ongoing journal. This morning I did my usual routine of prayer and meditation, but frankly the meditation wasn't very deep - not near as deep as it has been.  I feel like my schedule has been kind of messed up lately and I've been knocked out of my pattern. The good news is that I'm handling it really well.  A few weeks ago I would have been a mess and would have felt awful.  More and more each day I'm feeling "normal".  Even when something hits me and I start crying, I know it will stop and I'll feel fine again.  It doesn't mean I don't miss Irene or love her as much, it just means we're finding that confident balance in our new relationship where I'm not always needing her to prop me up or assure me. I don't want to be that guy.  

Busy day of running errands, visitors, phone calls, etc.  Got in my full prayer session, 1 meditation and attempted astral travel when I went to bed.  A quiet day overall, but I’m impressed with my ability to get through a day like this without a descent into grief, although I did have some sadness.  Due to a conversation with a good friend who has been reading the blog I decided to go back and fill in the signs and messages that I have left out.  I haven’t felt any real pull against it and he said he liked reading about them.  He suffered the loss of a child a few years ago, and he and Irene were good friends and I know her passing hit him hard too.  Anyway, not filling in those events was just a precaution at the time because of something I read about those things supposedly being private, but I think they might do some good if others read about them. During the day a couple of ministers came by and left some materials, and one remarked about the...

I had a dream about Irene last night, only lasted a few seconds but it was still more than the other 4 where she appeared for only a second or two. I was in charge of throwing trash out of the house (this was like my mother’s house on 30th street) and had big bags of trash outside. I also helped the neighbor carry some of her trash out – or was it all her trash? I don’t quite remember. I was with some other guy who said that Irene said she was going to get rid of the trash and that I needed to help. Anyway we walked outside to check on things and Irene was outside in her overall shorts, about the age I met her, doing some gardening around where that big tree used to be in my mother’s front yard, said something like “you’re the undertaker” somehow meaning it was my job to get rid of the trash? Or the old stuff? Or the dead stuff? - while she was working on planting the new stuff. Anyway I was so excited to see her and hear her voice I woke up. Had a really good session, new meditati...

I woke up about 2:30 in the morning.  Wasn’t in pain, actually felt okay emotionally.  About 10 minutes after I woke up Ivori texted me saying they had been up all night trying to fix plumbing – something I remember Irene and I doing a few times at our previous house.  I decided I’d better put some food in my stomach and take a couple more pills before I went back to sleep, so I heated up  a tortilla, sat down and turned on the TV.  Right at that point the Cowboys were next in line to make their first draft pick.  I couldn't believe it and laughed out loud thanking Irene. The pain meds  for my tooth seem to be dulling my emotional pain as well. I can feel it back in the background like a giant rabid bear ready to tear me apart, but it stays in the background as I function the rest of the day.  I pick up one of our other daughters, Freya, to bring her out  to the house for a visit. After I took her home, there was a song on the radio ...

I woke up 2AM with my tooth killing me.  It finally subsided and I went back to sleep but didn't rest well. I felt a little sad this morning for about a minute, but I think that has more to do with lack of sleep than anything else.  I couldn’t get a dentist appointment until Tuesday. They sent a prescription in for antibiotics, but I still had pain meds they had prescribed me before. Later in the evening both my tooth and my emotions erupted in major pain – tried every over-the-counter pain killer and combination including oral jel and the prescription pills and I couldn’t get it to stop.  I'm starting to feel grief - real emotional pain. It's not just pain, it's flat out panic and despair.  I've become someone else than I have been for the past couple of weeks.  I'm sobbing uncontrollably, kneeling beside my bed and praying desperately between convulsions of physical and emotional pain.  I wished that Irene had written me more a card or note or l...

I had another short dream of Irene, she was in her blue overall shorts with a t-shirt and we were at the small house we lived in for many years and she was fixing something on the wall above the couch. She said something, I don’t remember what.  I didn’t even try to interact with her in the dream, just walked by into the bedroom. A couple of hours later I lay back down to sleep and I had another prolonged envisioned interaction with Irene, before I went to sleep, that was very vivid. In my mind I could see her and feel her for prolonged periods of time, much better than before.  Towards the end when I fell asleep I was remembering things about us that I had forgotten.  The pictures help with this, but I remember she would curl up in my arms while we were sitting on the floor or on a couch and I remember her wearing a white short-overall with a pink shirt and also a pink and brown top. I specifically remember being with her while she was in that outfit. This mo...

Either I am still in shock or Irene is still protecting my heart because I felt fine when I went to sleep last night.  I haven't had any trouble at all going to sleep.  I do leave the TVs on to channels I think Irene might enjoy watching - kind of a silly notion, but it makes me feel more connected to her.  I always talk to her as I fall asleep (well, I talk to her all day long), but so far no real pain or sorrow, just a kind of dreamy sense of love and connection.   Just before I woke up I had a few seconds of dream of Irene that I remember, she was in her shorts-overalls outfit from the big picture I made for the Celebration of Life and she looked like she did in that picture. She was coming in through a doorway saying “It got warm in here” – clear as a bell I heard her voice.  I was so excited I woke up. It jogged my memory that a few weeks before she passed I had a very sweet dream of us when we were younger that I told her about when I woke up.   ...

The past couple of days many events have happened in our lives that make us think that Irene is around influencing things for our good.  What I want to write about though is some of my experience so I can look at it at a later date. About a year before Irene passed she went through a very serious medical problem with her breathing and at that time the doctors told us she wasn't going to make it.  During that entire time I was fighting back a tidal wave of panic and grief and whenever I was alone I would completely lose it and crumple up and sob and cry out and beg God to not let her die.  I also remember back about two and a half years when we first met the oncologist and the first thing she said was that we should consider hospice at that time.  She took Irene out for an X-ray and I was in the office by myself and a wave of panic and great sorrow rushed through me.  The rest of the day I was fighting back tears at the thought of losing her. I write that...

Today I paused the TV to get up and get something out of the kitchen and the TV changes by itself to another channel. I was going to watch a recorded show anyway so I sat down and started a recorded show and watched it a bit, paused the recording and got busy doing other things. A couple of hours later I finished watching my show, then switched to live TV and realized it was on ID network – a network I haven’t watched in a week. Apparently Irene changed the channel to ID network right in front of me, I just didn’t realize it at the time. That was one of her favorite networks. When things like this happen I always acknowledge it. I talk to Irene virtually all day long every day, unless there are other people around. I've even started acknowledging and talking to other people who have passed who I think will probably be around - my mom, dad and brother; Irene's son Jamie; her biological dad Karl and mom Lynette; and her step-father Donnie. I also acknowledge the presence...