A Fully Realized Appreciation

Early on, I realized something that was triggering my grief was an emotional sensation whenever I felt Irene or focused on her. There would be an instant of this really beautiful feeling, immediately followed by indescribable grief.

As time went on, I learned to focus on that first feeling as the grief was taken away by other practices we've talked about and have materials on - affirmations, imagination, visualization and techniques involving meditation. As the grief subsided there were other psychological issues to deal with just because there was no information, structure out there that would have helped me understand what I was going through.

I would feel panic and guilt that I was "moving on", or that I was losing connection, or that she might think I didn't love her as much, or that I was dishonoring our relationship somehow. It's not at all rational, but it's not exactly a rational experience. 

We worked through those things into the confident and wonderful transdimensional relationship we now enjoy. That emotional feeling I referred to earlier is still there, just as strong, with much more clarity that I could have experienced it before when it triggered grief or when I was trying to figure out what it all meant in terms of our relationship and my own confusion about what it meant and what was going on.

I understand that emotion now much better. It makes my heart race, brings tears to my eyes, and fills my head with a strange emotional yet physical sensation. There isn't any sorrow or pain, it's just this overwhelming, deep, vast loving appreciation for who my wife is and all that she means to me, and the joy that we are together forever.

I have talked before about the value of the grief experience, that it lays bare how much we love our partners and how much they mean to us. It's something that people in other, temporary romantic relationships do not and cannot understand. 

When I talk with Irene or focus on her, I experience a fully realized appreciation, from the abysmal well of that grief to the soaring high of knowing the fullness of what we are together, of who and what all she is to me. That breadth and depth of appreciation cannot be found any other way. Though I am long past the grief, that appreciation remains as strong and is even more clear to me. I know that it will be an eternal part of our life going forward, and is the biggest reason we came here - to have this experience.

It may be hard to believe, but this experience is worth it. There is so much I didn't know, could not have known while we were happy together in this life. As much as I appreciated and loved her then, it pales in comparison to having this understanding, which can only be borne from this kind of experience.