Sunday, June 18, 2017 Finding Irene's Old Journal

It was a long day yesterday, Robert, Gerra and Micheal pulled boxes out of the attic and were going through it upstairs.  I had asked them to do it upstairs because I didn't want to have an adverse reaction like the last time.

They found Irene’s old journal that has entries in it from a month before we met to 2-3 months after we met.  Reading that was such a beautiful experience, I think Irene planned this out. To see what she said in her own private thoughts about me and what was going on just before and then when we first met wasn’t new – she had told me all this before – but it just made it so real and brought me back to those first days of our time together her.  I got my old journal out to compare the two.

When we met it was unlike anything either of us had ever experienced – it was like we were waiting for each other and longing for each other our whole lives without even realizing it.  There was a empty, sad, lonely place in each of us no matter who we were with and no matter how much anyone else said they loved us.  Then we met, and suddenly everything utterly changed for both of us. Within 5 days we were totally and completely in such deep, total love that was more like a reunion than it was a beginning - she was writing about us getting married and how it felt like she had always known me, about how deep in love we were, about how complete and whole she felt with me.  I wrote the same thing in my journal. I gave up all pretense of being kind of aloof from the world and dove into a relationship with her and the kids. This from two people that had been hurt and disappointed repeatedly. We both had two failed marriages behind us.

It was like we created and lived in an entirely different world when we were together, a magical fantasy world where time stopped and all bullshit was stripped away and nothing else mattered except looking at each other, listening to each other, and touching each other. It’s why we always held hands and throughout our lives and always sat right next to each other with my arm around her or our hands on each other’s legs – we had to be with each other as much as possible.

When we got together, it didn’t matter how tired or exhausted we were out in the world, when we were together suddenly we came alive and were energized.  We rarely slept in those early days.  When we were together we couldn’t sleep – we had to talk, look at each other, hold each other, kiss, make love.  When we were apart all we could think about was each other.

I’ve read the passages like three times in a day and it’s affecting me too much right now, I’ve got to process it and make sure it helps me going forward with our new relationship. One thing it has done is plant some serious certainty in my heart and mind that we are absolutely soul mates and have an overwhelming, all-encompassing, magical, super-powerful love for each other and I know that nothing, nothing can ever keep us apart for long.  We knew nothing whatsoever about each other and were both longing for each other deep in our hearts our whole lives, each trying to find something to fill it, never succeeding until we found each other and became whole.  

Together we found that sense of wholeness, completion, and complete peace and satisfaction that had eluded us before we met. We often said over the last few years that we were both ready to die, that we had won this challenge, no regrets, no desires left unfulfilled.  We found our complete fulfillment in this life after we found what we were missing before - each other.