A Bedtime Song From Irene
Yesterday I went out around 5:30 to smoke my 2nd cigarette of the day. The air was really warm - I think it got up around 95 during the day, but weirdly I actually enjoyed it. Maybe it's because I have the AC in the house set at 70. Usually, though, that just makes me dislike the warm air all the more.
It felt great, though. I lit up and started talking to Irene and when I drew in the last of the cigarette, I realized something about restraint and moderation; controlling how much you do a thing has a great impact on how much you can enjoy it and how that enjoyment is incorporated into your life. I used to smoke many years ago and gave it up entirely until a couple of weeks ago when I started and then began enforcing a two-a-day strict limit. Back then, I was a chain smoker, smoking sometimes up to four packs of ultra-lights a day. I got into the habit of smoking while I worked on the computer and then while I played games on the computer.
Smoking was simply a regular feature of my daily life at that point. I imagine most addictions follow the same pattern; you pick it up originally because it is quite enjoyable, but then as it becomes a regular feature of your moment-by-moment life, you continue the habit more because it's a habit and an integrated part of your life. At that point it's something you constantly have to do to feel "normal", instead of feeling normal and then occasionally enjoying a smoke on top of that. Not smoking becomes a source of either panic or pain.
That's really one of the main difficulties I had in life - doing anything with restraint or moderation. Irene always told me that I always took such things to extremes, an assessment I always agreed with her about. Learning restraint and moderation is part of the mental discipline I'm here to learn. I've always had a problem with it, though I've worked through it a few times in my life. It's always been especially difficult for me to concentrate on or have the focus to do large-scale things that require daily effort, patience and determination, unless it's something I'm interested in, like writing.
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Something I had written in the Afterlife group was that Irene had slowed down on giving me signs, probably because I don't need them as much - or at all - here lately. My confidence in our relationship and in my being able to actually interact with her in my mind, and the lack of grief and virtually any sadness, has reduced my reliance on signs and messages as a form of assurance that she is with me.
Later, just before going to bed, I was watching a movie I had recorded, and after watching the part I liked, for whatever reason I watched about 20 minutes more, then realized I was procrastinating or distracting myself again and switched back to live TV so I could turn it off and get done the things I needed to do in order to meditate and go to bed early so I could do a second astral projection exercise today. On live TV America's Got Talent was on, and they apparently had a deaf girl on who was going to sing a song.
I never watch that show, but this caught my interest - for whatever reason - and I didn't immediately turn the TV off. Then the announcer said the girl was going to sing with Shania Twain and I said out loud, "No way, babe! Are you going to get Shania Twain to sing me our song before I go to bed?" Sure enough, that was the song they started singing - "You're Still The One." It was about 30 seconds after I had turned the recorded movie off that Shania Twain started singing our song on live TV. I just about burst with happiness and excitement!
That makes me remember that earlier yesterday I wrote Irene a card and sealed it up and sent it to her by pressing it against my heart and thinking of my love for her (something they say you can do). I ended it with "I love you forever and for always," to remind her of the new "our song" she found for us the other day. After I was done I took our dogs outside and was out there maybe two minutes when the second verse to that song just popped in my head complete with the music: "We will be together all of our days," which was her way of letting me know she got that card and she felt the same way.
Sometimes life can be so, so good, and how amazing it is that I can feel this way even now. What an incredible love story the two of us are playing out in this situation.
This morning I responded to someone in the Afterlife Topics group and then I sat in the living room to do my usual routine when I found myself unconsciously getting into my meditation pose and feeling like I needed to meditate and contact Irene. On shutting my eyes I immediately was in what I call the irene frequency and she immediately started correcting me about what I had posted. I thought to myself, "nah, that can't be right" but her voice in my head was insistent and - interestingly - is the most her voice sounded like her voice in my head in a long time. She wanted me to correct what I said in the forum ASAP, and just like that I felt the meditation come to an end.
Now, if I was making this all up in my head, why would I make something up that basically meant I had to humbly correct myself in the group? Why would I invent a disagreement that was insistent, and how did I suddenly manufacture Irene's voice in her part of my mental conversation? Irene knows that I sometimes like to argue just to present a view contrary to a group's consensus and told me I need to keep an eye on this habit of mine. Wow! I always loved it that Irene would call me out on my bullshit, but I haven't really seen that side of her in a long, long time. It's GREAT! Very exciting. Some of the qualities of Irene that were, I think, subdued by the medications she was on seem to be coming back out.
(Important Note: Blog entries from April 11, 2071 to September 16, 2017 chronicle my journey after the death of my wife, Irene, forward through the intense pain and sorrow of losing my soul mate to defeating grief and regaining our happy, loving relationship. September 16 marks the beginning of the second phase of our journey - chronicling our continued effort to increase our connection across the veil and also to share this journey with others.)
It felt great, though. I lit up and started talking to Irene and when I drew in the last of the cigarette, I realized something about restraint and moderation; controlling how much you do a thing has a great impact on how much you can enjoy it and how that enjoyment is incorporated into your life. I used to smoke many years ago and gave it up entirely until a couple of weeks ago when I started and then began enforcing a two-a-day strict limit. Back then, I was a chain smoker, smoking sometimes up to four packs of ultra-lights a day. I got into the habit of smoking while I worked on the computer and then while I played games on the computer.
Smoking was simply a regular feature of my daily life at that point. I imagine most addictions follow the same pattern; you pick it up originally because it is quite enjoyable, but then as it becomes a regular feature of your moment-by-moment life, you continue the habit more because it's a habit and an integrated part of your life. At that point it's something you constantly have to do to feel "normal", instead of feeling normal and then occasionally enjoying a smoke on top of that. Not smoking becomes a source of either panic or pain.
That's really one of the main difficulties I had in life - doing anything with restraint or moderation. Irene always told me that I always took such things to extremes, an assessment I always agreed with her about. Learning restraint and moderation is part of the mental discipline I'm here to learn. I've always had a problem with it, though I've worked through it a few times in my life. It's always been especially difficult for me to concentrate on or have the focus to do large-scale things that require daily effort, patience and determination, unless it's something I'm interested in, like writing.
----------------
Something I had written in the Afterlife group was that Irene had slowed down on giving me signs, probably because I don't need them as much - or at all - here lately. My confidence in our relationship and in my being able to actually interact with her in my mind, and the lack of grief and virtually any sadness, has reduced my reliance on signs and messages as a form of assurance that she is with me.
Later, just before going to bed, I was watching a movie I had recorded, and after watching the part I liked, for whatever reason I watched about 20 minutes more, then realized I was procrastinating or distracting myself again and switched back to live TV so I could turn it off and get done the things I needed to do in order to meditate and go to bed early so I could do a second astral projection exercise today. On live TV America's Got Talent was on, and they apparently had a deaf girl on who was going to sing a song.
I never watch that show, but this caught my interest - for whatever reason - and I didn't immediately turn the TV off. Then the announcer said the girl was going to sing with Shania Twain and I said out loud, "No way, babe! Are you going to get Shania Twain to sing me our song before I go to bed?" Sure enough, that was the song they started singing - "You're Still The One." It was about 30 seconds after I had turned the recorded movie off that Shania Twain started singing our song on live TV. I just about burst with happiness and excitement!
That makes me remember that earlier yesterday I wrote Irene a card and sealed it up and sent it to her by pressing it against my heart and thinking of my love for her (something they say you can do). I ended it with "I love you forever and for always," to remind her of the new "our song" she found for us the other day. After I was done I took our dogs outside and was out there maybe two minutes when the second verse to that song just popped in my head complete with the music: "We will be together all of our days," which was her way of letting me know she got that card and she felt the same way.
Sometimes life can be so, so good, and how amazing it is that I can feel this way even now. What an incredible love story the two of us are playing out in this situation.
This morning I responded to someone in the Afterlife Topics group and then I sat in the living room to do my usual routine when I found myself unconsciously getting into my meditation pose and feeling like I needed to meditate and contact Irene. On shutting my eyes I immediately was in what I call the irene frequency and she immediately started correcting me about what I had posted. I thought to myself, "nah, that can't be right" but her voice in my head was insistent and - interestingly - is the most her voice sounded like her voice in my head in a long time. She wanted me to correct what I said in the forum ASAP, and just like that I felt the meditation come to an end.
Now, if I was making this all up in my head, why would I make something up that basically meant I had to humbly correct myself in the group? Why would I invent a disagreement that was insistent, and how did I suddenly manufacture Irene's voice in her part of my mental conversation? Irene knows that I sometimes like to argue just to present a view contrary to a group's consensus and told me I need to keep an eye on this habit of mine. Wow! I always loved it that Irene would call me out on my bullshit, but I haven't really seen that side of her in a long, long time. It's GREAT! Very exciting. Some of the qualities of Irene that were, I think, subdued by the medications she was on seem to be coming back out.
(Important Note: Blog entries from April 11, 2071 to September 16, 2017 chronicle my journey after the death of my wife, Irene, forward through the intense pain and sorrow of losing my soul mate to defeating grief and regaining our happy, loving relationship. September 16 marks the beginning of the second phase of our journey - chronicling our continued effort to increase our connection across the veil and also to share this journey with others.)
I love this entry !
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