Allowing

Another really busy family day Sunday so I didn't have the time or energy to blog yesterday, but it was a good day.

The key word and idea the past couple of days has been "allowing".  Even when things are going well, I still overthink and try to come up with solutions to problems that don't even exist.  For example, sometimes when I wake up I feel completely ambivalent about praying and meditating, and I immediately characterize it as a problem I need to solve.

I consider it a "problem" because I'm worried that feeling ambivalent is the beginning of a trend, that I'm going to lose my connection to Irene and the desire to blog or write anything about this journey or my experiences or thoughts..  It never happens - the ambivalence I feel some days always passes whether I obsess about it or not, but my mind refuses to just let it go.

Of course, when I think about how things could be, such as being wracked with grief or having serious health issues, feeling ambivalent seems like such a stupid thing to be worried about.  Seriously, what a first world, entitled jerk "problem" to have, eh?  

Anyway, the temperature dropped again and I'm still doing the process.  I was thinking earlier about all the times I told Irene how well off we had it while we lived at our previous house with the leaks and bad plumbing, and trying to help her be patient when it came to changing our situation.  She finds it quite funny now that the shoe is on the other foot, and I'm the one with the patience problem.

I mean, good grief, what's wrong with me?  I should be enjoying the fact that I got past the grief in such a ridiculously short time.  Everyone that was helping me on that from the other side probably needed a vacation after that.  Anything beyond that is really just gravy because at least I don't have to go through the rest of my life in that kind of dark emotional pain.

Appreciation. Allowing. Trust. Just take it easy, man. We've already won.